is anybody there who could just be with me now, sorry

[elementofsurprise]

it's ver bad, very alone, tried to tell SO he just annoyed saying im bringing him down. i see no way out. trying to hold on, sorry, not sure what to do fel so worthless no help

So sorry to hear you feel especially shit, element

if wanted
I don't feel great myself so don't have wise words, but wanted you to know I read and care x

Just read through all the messages again, not taking things in v well atm, lots appeared and I didn't refresh it... thank you everyone.

Textfan SO said it. I sort of knew it was rubbish but it's so hard to explain simply and clearly when half your mind is telling you they're right and you're just rubbish iyswim? Ended up screaming in his face "that not how fucking flashbacks work!" and I hate that. I tried so hard to calmly explain for so long though. But you can't say you're having flashbacks and articulate the many theories behind why that is/studies that back up the point (I've read a bit) because then it sounds victim-mentality. He said if I could stop blaming others for what they did I would be fine... he doesnt understand that if I just accpet what they did then it means I deserve it/need to be wary of everyone cos anyone might hurt me, becase I can't understand it and put it in perspective yet.

Argh I dunno. Its had to tell cos all the bad things said about me swirl in my head, right from being a child. The scary/difficult thing is, if people from different times and places have echoed each other how do you know whats true and whats not? When I try to be compassionate to myself I hear them telling me off... (not in a hearing voices way, just memories or what I imagine they'd say.)

I dont think asking for profesional help is a good idea because I've been back to them so many times in five years and it just demoralises and destroys me further each time. Every time I vow, never again. I could maybe go to GP but he wont know what to do (he's very nice though) apart from re-refer me to CMHT... but he's been told not to (by them). At the absolute most, I'd get an assessment and then they'd decide they cant help.

Thank you again and I really appreciate the messages, it is hard to remember what it is ok to feel or think sometimes so it really helps, hope that makes sense

ps. BPD diagnosis might have been pre-diagnosed by awful GP when I was 19 ("you're just one of those people"). Certainly seemed to aquire diagnosis before I should have time/intervention wise anyway. Everything after that just gets seen throught that label.

Services were much better second time around, when I broke down 5 years ago. Was in front of a therapist (in-depth, not CBT stuff) within six months. Then she decided I wasn't ready after looking at me with her cold eyes and refusing to believe some of the stuff written about me was not true and since then cutbacks and things mean I've been passed pilllar to post, remved from lists, need sevices that no longer exist etc. Now I'm a long-term case to be taken on at their peril (in their view). Think BPD diagnosis got removed at some point - it's not officially on my records anymore - but it's very much the diagnosis they go by and must be plastered everywhere unofficially.

Hope you're ok, can't give you any advice on how to cope but wanted you to know I and others care. I had a bad past relationship and have struggled with sadness and bad thoughts, but please know that however bad it gets you have people here to turn to, just look at how many people responded...remember that anything you feel or think is ok, talking about it helps though xxx

Thank you. I'm knackered as didnt sleep propelry last night.. going to try to relax and go to sleep now.

Wise advice from Stupid there.

How are you this morning OP?

Sorry, I didn't refresh properly either - it was wise advice from Stupid, but that was on the last page! to hear that the GPs/NHS have been so rubbish for you, but glad to hear that you are going to rest today. Sleep is such a healer, even if just temporarily.

Keep on posting, Element. There is a wealth of experience on MN and people will walk with you/help you find your way forward here, and be with you during the dark times too.

Hello again. Woke up an hour or so ago. Feel on edge and scared. I just don't ge it, I thought this horrible feeling nonstop and issues with the world were over. It's scary when u think you finally relate to someone/people /fit in then it happens again.

I thought I ould get myself sorted then make more friends and things but it just gets harder and more restricted every day. Oh god I want this to be over.

It sounds like you've been through some hard times. Why do you think your resulting trauma/anxiety is misplaced? Or is this how you think other people feel about it or think you should feel?

element

It really struck a chord with me when you said that if you take the blame away from the people that hurt you then it would mean that you deserved to be hurt.

I want to point out to you that there is a third option. That no-one is to blame.

We are brought up as children understanding that good behaviour will bring good things to us...and bad will bring bad. It isn't surprising then, that when we are adults, we have difficulty adjusting to a world in which BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T DESERVE THEM.

Do children who get cancer deserve it? Do women who are raped deserve it?

NO. The real world does not connect goodness with good outcomes and bad with bad.

Just because others may or may not carry blame for the bad things that happened to you does not mean that you carry the blame instead.

You didn't deserve it. Nobody deserves the bad (or good) things that happen to them. The universe doesn't work that way.

I know it is hard to accept that there is no real connection between cause and affect in the world...after all it means you could lose everything you care about with no warning even though you are good person....but it is essential to processing your trauma that you find a logically consistent explanation of events that doesn't cast you as evil. Because you aren't. And you DIDN'T deserve any of the trauma you experienced.

Thank you icebeing that makes sense. What is hard is that I can't understand things without concluding I am not worth much or don't deserve to be treated nicely, because these things weren't natural disasters, or sudden illness. It's sort of to with trying to make sense of why things happened so I don't just feel blind panic about the future, or scared/unsure how to relate to people. Like if you got a massive electric shock from your kettle, you'd want to know why/how likely it was to happene again before you touched it again. Whereas it's like I'm expected to just go "Oh" and act like it never happened.

Tarka I don't logically/from what I know of psychology think it's misplaced. Although obviously inside me I feel I'm just shit and all to blame. Like an internal war. Which is why the part of me trying o survive is desperately trying to make sense of things, and draw on confidence boosters from the world around me (eg. a compliment, a hug, achieving something etc) but there aren't any. So logically the part of me that thinks I'm good enough is floundering without evidence. Unfortunately, people around me seem to be on the side of the self-critical part. But I've noticed that in general, people think you're putting it on if you stand up against their criticism, or explain from a psychologically informed viewpoint. People expect you to be meek and depressed and put up with them having a rant at you or insisiting they know better, and to be grateful for the small kindnessess when they feel like it. SO wil be all cuddly and lovely and encouraging, then when I start to relax, takes it as his cue to give me a sort of patronising (in speaking-to-child voice) lecture about how it's so much nicer when I'm "like this" and I need to stop "behaving like that".

what does SO mean?

element the thing is that there always is a trail of little decisions that end up in disaster....did it happen because you decided to go somewhere...or to drive instead of taking the bus, or (in my case) get pregnant. These were necessary steps to having what happened happen...but that doesn't mean that if you were to do the same again it would have the same out come. In my case, I couldn't have suffered the trauma I did if I hadn't gotten pregnant. But tens of thousands of people have babies each year without having as bad an experience as I did. My choices were necessary to the outcome but by no means caused the outcome.

So if there are things you did that lead to your trauma, then that is good - because maybe you can avoid it in future (I personally will never be pregnant again!). That is not AT ALL the same as saying either that the trauma was your fault or that you deserved it either because of your choices or because you are intrinsically deserving of bad things.

Also if I feel I should keep my distance a bit, or just cannot deal with having to keep explaining to someone who won't understand (and is constantly poised to tell me why what I've said is wrong), then I get accused of pushing him away. Ditto re. friends - MH professionals seem annoyed whatever I do, ten years ago they used to say I was "too reliant" on others (I thought u were supposed to seek out company if that helps when v low...) then later they criticise me for isolating myself and expect me to have loads of close friends on standby! (because I figured keeping it to myself as much as poss. was better). So I'm constantly frightened someone will say I'm pushing them away, or one of the other type of crticisms the MH team has levelled at me before. I see their faces telling me off. When I try to explain I'm not to blame and shouldn't be punished for hurting I get told "it's always someone else's fault isn't it?" There's all these non-specific criticisms that mean I'm daned if I do and damned if I don't.

Im so sorry.

SO - Significant Other.

Best description in this case. We live apart. Everyone thinks we're a couple, but the official line is we're not. Have been on and off for a while hence purposely sticking at a point somewhere between the two. We don't sleep together, despite being attracted, in part to do with the shedload of issues we each have. Mind you we're also faithful to each other. Its a bit weird but usually works. Sort of we both really like each other but not sure about having a relationship. Certainly there's some things I'd need to see from him to give it a real go.

Glad that you are still posting Element.

Can I suggest that you start an extra thread asking other MNetters about the side effects of the coil? I see that no-one on here has advised you about that and although you clearly have other issues going on, I have a memory of some fairly powerful threads about the coil on here. No personal experience, but I seem to remember that it can have side effects

element ahhh...I thought SO might have been a health professional role. I guess my comment will stand anyway though - which is that your SO is dead wrong about almost everything.

You can't stop having flashbacks by ignoring them. You can't get over trauma by ignoring it. You can't stop being traumatised because someone else thinks you shouldn't be.

Your SO is of course right that having to interact with someone who is suffering depression 'brings you down' and it is much nicer when you don't talk about it. It is always easier to be there for someone when they don't actually need it!

The proof of friends or SOs is what they do when you DO need support. When they need it desperately, urgently to the point of not wanting to go on. When it is hard and horrible and draining.

I found it hard to tell my DH I had been struggling again...because why would I want to bring that bad news to his doorstep...to tell him he is going to have to pick up the slack again. But I did tell him, because I know he would rather do the hard, horrible stuff than face life without me. I also know that I will get better faster with his support than without it and he knows that too.

Your SO needs to understand that hiding your problems is the last thing that is good for either of you. So does your SO want to hear them and support you or not?

icerberg sorry, don't think I explained the first bit right. What I mean is, say eg. abusive ex (decade ago). What an idiot, etc, etc, he did it to others too, etc. Fine. Forgotton (eventally).

However. Being hurt by people you trusted who now seem perfectly nice but there's a wall between you becuse you want to ask "WHY?" Why did you do that to me? That feeling like you have to somehow grovel to get back in their good books, and there's a sort of social pressure/its completely not allowed to talk about what happened or ask, and if you do you're doing something bad and everyone will be cross. Like i'm just supposed to accept things. But I need to understand, to stop it happening or at least see it coming again. Hope that maks sense. I can accet what happened but not the effect it's had on my perceptions - because I literally cannot know how to act/what to think. A sort of limbo.

The moment something comes up to do with my struggles, or some kind of trigger, or I'm feeling awful, it's like most of the world is against me. Like a domino effect. I found the kindness/empathy when in phyical pain quite overwhelming and unusual. But emotional pain is like being in another dimension and people can't understand at all, or understand why it matters that they understand. It's scary, and makes me feel sick.

I also want to say that I believe in you. You aren't a bad person and you didn't choose any of this.

If you want to chat more over PM or just keep talking here then I will try and reply whenever I can.

It really matters to me that you are feeling the way you do. I don't know if I can help you or will hinder you and you should certainly feel you can tell me to butt out and stop projecting (although usually other MNers will help with that ).

But if you want to talk more then just let me know.

hope you're feeling better OP.
I have been to that dark place too. And that despair will pass.... i promise. it will.
Make sure you get to that appt. Asking for help is the best place to start getting better..
Lots of love xx

element It sounds like you suffer a lot of social anxiety. Is it possible that you feel betrayed by people you trust when they do things that perhaps they do not realise are a betrayal?

I may be way off base here but I was devastated when a friend pulled our of coming to DD's birthday having caused me to move the date for her to come. I felt like everyone hated me and she was sticking the finger up at me in front of everyone. I cried for hours and very nearly called off the entire event. When people came I felt sure they were laughing at me behind my back because of it.

In reality, her mum had been taken into hospital (although she didn't feel it was fair to share that at the time) and nobody thought anything of the fact she wasn't there.

Essentially my depression had recast the event very far from where it really was. Again - this isn't to say it was my fault, it wasn't. I didn't chose to be ill. But it also wasn't hers. It left me in a place where I was very scared to make invites to things, or talk to people because I was scared of being hurt again.