The problem is, I can't interact normally when very low. Not even vaguely normally. Basically, when it's very bad I just have to distract myself constantly, in a way where nothing is required of me. I find it incredibly hard to focus on what someone's saying and take it in and display all the right facial expressions and things (ie. not sat there obviously weeping or face scrunched up in pain), because inside it's like a big scream in my head. I also become quite childlike (apparently) as at all the painful points in my life that is the mental state I have regressed to, a terrified child.
The other day my friend was here and I kept randomly apologising, I tried to explore my mind and work out why and I basically just felt terrified of him and like I needed to constantly apologise for existing and being so shameful and wrong, and scared he was going to be cross with me (he's completely lovely and the only person who can be around me when it's bad without problems). I know that's ridiculous, but it feels like that when it's really bad. I also lose about 3/4 of my vocabularly at these points so it's very difficult to communicate.
The dogwalking thing sounds really good though. I'm more into small furries that need cuddles/handling but all sounds like a good idea. The problem is it's all sort of "stage B" whereas I'm still on "stage A" - "how to look/act normal enough for long enough".
Like I said, I used to push myself and it would go horribly wrong. Like if it was dogwalking, say, something would happen - say the dog starts barking madly and trying to lunge at another dog that is also barking madly. I'd be ok as long as it was an 'emergency', ie. I'd make sure they didn't end up fighting. But as soon as I was round the corner, I'd feel shaky and frightened and be unable to stop the tears. The shame of trying to explain to kind passers-by when feeling terrified and dissociated makes it worse, and I'll end up bing forced (perhaps by a kindly person fom the rescue centre who has to come and rescue me) to go to A&E or GP's because, oh shit, actually you seem really unwell. Sitting in A&E for hours when feeling like a worthless piece of shit is a horrible and very triggering experience. I have also lost friends this way, when they see me when I'm 'fine' or a bit low, then I push myself to go to some event of other and fuck up because something happens that I can't deal with in that state.
I have wondered if I have Asperger's, but the strong traits I struggle with like not being able to cope with the slightest change to plans are only a problem when I'm feeling very bad and need to whole thing 'sorted' in my head beforehand so I know what to expect. I've travelled solo before, I'm not incapable in general, just when I'm feeling shite. Although in many ways it is actually easier to do stuff alone than with others when feeling rubbish, because there isn't the added pressure of acting normal - just getting the thing done in whatever haphazard way.
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be negative, I just don't know anymore. All the steps for beating depression seem to basically be stuff that I could do fine if I wasn't depressed! There's seems to be an assumption that if you're functioning at an even lower level, you'll have loads of input from professionals or be in hospital, or something.
Doing anything is a win, yes. This is why I love my tiny but intensive (no corner wasted) veggie garden. A stray weed here, and an hour later you realise you've done quite a lot.
I'm sorry to hear you two have had similar experiences with making friends. Isn't it strange if there's so many who feel like that? I mean, looking at modern society it makes sense that people are more isolated overall, but surely if people are feeling and articulating this they'd all be making the effort and thus bumping into each other? Hmm.