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Original poster

At what point do I say ok the depression is back?

32 replies

sootballs · 10/04/2015 20:29

My life = stressful. Like really really stressful. I have PTSD from a hospital negligence case, two small children - one disabled - superficial family who provide no support and actively erode any headway I make. Dealing this year with a change in career and oldest starting school (fully statemented) as well as trying to keep a good marriage stable.

I was an outpatient for a year from our MH unit, had excellent therapy which left me able to cope, that finished last october. Was very ill at one point, don't think I knew just how ill, spent 8 months on Sertraline, part of the illness was me refusing any ADs for worry about breastfeeding until I made enough progress to see I did need them. I didn't like them though an have been AD and therapy free since January time.

Until this last week, I had flu whoch I thibk is a trigger. I can't sleep but then can't wake up. Can't take joy from anything, feel distanced from those around me. I know it's partly my family dragging me down but I can't help but feel the back dog is back.

OP posts:
Givemecaffeine21 · 11/04/2015 09:25

Hi Sootballs

I came off sertraline at Xmas and yesterday I went back on it. Things in your life are very stressful right now from what you say. Did the meds help when you were on them? I know you say you didn't like them. What was it you didn't like? I personally felt great on them altho going on and coming off was really hard. I have two very small children too, born 11 months apart. I wasn't coping and had other stress factors in my life I won't post about, but the anti-d's really helped me and I realise I shouldn't have come off them. I thought I could recreate the calm, happy feeling I had on them with herbal remedies etc but it didn't really help and after a very stressful Easter I accepted that the black dog is back for me too. I don't like being on them from a 'pride' point of view, I feel a bit ashamed if I'm honest, but I also want my family to be happy and I don't like the person I can be at times without them.

I think you know in your heart if it's back...for me I get a heaviness in my stomach that never really goes no matter what I'm doing. It did go when I was on meds and I really started to enjoy life as the meds fought the depression for me. I functioned ok, but I didn't truly feel good or peaceful.
X

Original poster
sootballs · 12/04/2015 10:12

Hi

I think the meds did help - they certainly smoothed out my mood swings from anxious mess, to grumpy and shouty although I also think they disturbed my sleep and at times made me feel quite unwell. Dizzy, shaky, heart beating too fast and the most weird deja vu feeling in my head at random times.

I didn't feel comfortable taking them everyday as I am 100% certain that they caused my younger breastfed baby to have unsettled sleep. That said I am trying to wean her now (2 feeds a day) and so she might be able to cope. I also don't tell anyone, there is a huge stigma around MH issues in our family and I am currently trying to sort out a few issues that I am sure people would be only to pleased to blame on my depression "sootballs isn't herself, you know right now shes not acting quite right, nothing we've done of course" when their behaviour without a doubt triggers most of the episodes which I have had.

Its not so much a heavy feeling in my belly but I feel suffocated, like I need to just run away in order to be able to breathe. My children are very young, and one does have health needs which include epilepsy and with that comes developmental delay so she might open the front door and just walk out; or be randomly aggressive or very loving, she can't dress herself or play on her own. We had some respite help for about 6 months when I was at my worse - someone came to play from the children's centre to give me a bit of a break for an hour a week. But I won't get that again as the services have been cut.

My DH is nothing but supportive, he does the lions share of night wakings and plays a 50/50 role in looking after the children. We have had rocky times but currently we are good. He is worried I think that I am going \ again.

OP posts:
MummyBtothree · 12/04/2015 15:26

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BisleyBoy · 12/04/2015 15:31

MummyB, maybe I've misconstrued what you've written, but that sounded extremely nasty and judgemental and not what a person who is/may be depressed needs to hear.

Original poster
sootballs · 12/04/2015 15:32

You are fucking kidding me right? ODFOD

OP posts:
Original poster
sootballs · 12/04/2015 15:34

BisleyBoy - methinks its a hairyfooted dude. The sort that wears no shoes.

Particularly given the judgemental trite posted on other MH threads.

OP posts:
BisleyBoy · 12/04/2015 15:38

Could be sootballs. I recognised the name because they wrote something equally as odd on the thread about self-help books/techniques.

BisleyBoy · 12/04/2015 15:40

Oh yeah, and the one about thoughts of death. Jesus, who thinks like that?

MummyBtothree · 12/04/2015 15:52

I meant it coming from experience, not to be judgemental or a personal attack. I suffered severe depression & anxiety for years & after using meds to help me through and therapy sessions etc I turned it round myself. The scary stuff my head was capable of doing to me, I gathered every bit of will & power from god knows where and said no more am I spending my days like this when I could be happy and viewing the world like other people do. I had to realise I chose how I was feeling and I also chose to take it head on and show it I was stronger!

MummyBtothree · 12/04/2015 15:54

I actually now work in mental health and give conferences on my beliefs.

BisleyBoy · 12/04/2015 15:55

Just because that worked for you, doesn't mean it will work for others.
And by saying that, it seems like you are implying others are weaker than you because they are not the same as you.

MummyBtothree · 12/04/2015 15:58

My terminology was misconstrued and I apologise for that.

CarbeDiem · 12/04/2015 15:59

Oh my fucking good God - MummyB that was a very low blow GFY!

Take no notice Soots I also think you're correct.
I have long standing MH issues, I've been on/off ADs for many years and like a poster above said it's the feeling in my tummy - that constant gnawing plus my low mood and zero positivity - if I can't shake it off after a short time I head back to Dr.

BisleyBoy · 12/04/2015 16:02

Thank you for the apology MummyB.

MummyBtothree · 12/04/2015 16:03

Not at all. I do believe though that sometimes anxiety & depression leads people to think about their emotions & thoughts that much that they lose touch with themselves and sometimes need to be shown a different path of thinking.

CarbeDiem · 12/04/2015 16:06

Argh!!!! Mummy I'm sorry for my rant I posted at the same time as you.

SilverBirch2015 · 12/04/2015 16:06

I equate my severe depressive period to having had a serious life-threatening physical injury. Yes I am generally fully recovered, but have to be very careful of any symptoms that may indicate the "old injury" needs some extra support.

Wanting to be free of AD is an understandable wish to "prove" you are fully recovered, but don't worry about needing them again for a while. No different to needing to take painkillers IMO if an old injury is causing you pain. View it as a prevention strategy rather than a failure to cope with stress in your life.

sootballs · 12/04/2015 16:09

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MummyBtothree · 12/04/2015 16:14

When I used the word weak it wasnt a personal insult or used to offend. You quite rightly dont understand where im coming from as someone who has come out the other side of this so I can see how the assumptions were made.

MummyBtothree · 12/04/2015 16:19

I use my knowledge and experiences of my mental health problems in my area of work as someone who has actually been there.

MTWTFSS · 12/04/2015 16:30

From your OP it sounds like you need more support. Do you have a health visitor you can talk to?

When I needed more support, a CAF was set up: maybe you could look into that and see if that would be useful for your family.

MTWTFSS · 12/04/2015 16:35

What ever you do, please be kind to yourself.

Original poster
sootballs · 12/04/2015 16:40

Thank you MTWTFSS I have a good GP - I'll speak to her tomorrow

The bigger issue is my family - when I went NC I started to make real progress, gradually they started to make things more difficult, and now I am Sad a lot of the time because of their actions. Thats not something which a CAF will help with as such. I honestly think our only option is to move hundreds of miles away for distance

OP posts:
SilverBirch2015 · 12/04/2015 16:50

Mummy you do have to be careful about what you are saying here. I haven't read your comment that was pulled, but your others are somehow implying that all the OP has to do is think differently (ie pull herself together). I agree CBT has a place in helping with stress and depression. BUT it is certainly not the whole answer; the OP has indicated she has some pretty difficult life experiences to deal with and seems pretty clued up about her thinking and understanding of herself.

SilverBirch2015 · 12/04/2015 17:01

Is partial NC with family an option? Seeing them on your terms or at times when you have more control? It can be helpful only sharing information that is factual about everyday life and not anything they can use to undermine you in anyway.

My family see my depressive period as a sign of my flawed personality, I have never shared anything in recent years, it protects me, from their opinions ifykwim.