I cant stand my baby

[drivenmad]

The title says it all really. I am sick to death of all his crying. I do everything in the world to try to make him comfortable and happy and he just cries and cries and moans. He is a miserable person to be around 24/7.

There. I just had to get it off my chest.

And honestly, when you are happier, your baby will seem happier. If you have PND you will not see things quite as they really are - that's what PND is. Once you feel better, your baby will seem better. Depression makes everything bad.
It will get better.

Might have been already added but call crysis

crysis - they area support & info group for parents with babys who cry.

Have you tried skin to skin contact both you & LO cuddled up together?

Drivenmad

I really have so much symptathy for you.

My son had horrendous colic till he was about 13 weeks - he basically cried all day and would pass out at about 11 pm and sleep in short bursts till about 5 am when the crying would start again.

It was truly awful - everywhere i went all the other babies were cooing and my little fella was screaming the house down. He used to even cry in the car and never slept in the pram!!

do not feel inadequate it does get better - his went at 13 weeks and he now sleeps through the night and takes 3 naps a day without any props!!!!

Use a dummy - NUK teats stay in i found
swaddle the little tyke - get a swaddle blanket - one that really hlds them in not just a normal blanket - i used a swaddleaze one and he couldn't wriggle out
patting helps i found
baby massage ?? may help - though i didn't find much diff
try and not demand feeding as this can make colic worse - as they overfeed as sucking is a painkiller so they suck and then get worse belly ache - use the dummy instead and try and get a feeding routine
sling when all else fails so you get your arms free
get some HELP!!! even for a few hours
use any method you can to send the chap to sleep - you can deal with prop dependanacy later (i did a little spaced soothing aat about 14 weeks and worked a charm)
CALL IN THE REINFORCEMENTS if you can
Hold on in there - you will get through it and enjoy your baby - i know you feel low and robbed almost of this special time ( i know i did - and i have kinda erased how bad it was form my memory!!) - but each day will pass and he will grow out of it and there is light at the end of the tunnel

XX

FT

Drivenmad....feel so much sympathy for you . My son was like this and it completely ruined the fisrt few monthsof his life for me. I literally could not put him down. He was early, low birth weight and had a poor suck reflex & we couldnt let him cry or he would not feed (2 hourly feeds for the first 6 weeks - lovely!) I felt like the worst mother in the world. My friends had babies who SLEPT THROGUH THE NIGHT at 8 weeks and I couldnt even do a pee on my own. My dh was fantastic with him (although if I am honest that just made me feel more inadeqate) My mum and MIL were also around but at 2am it is just you and this screaming baby and you just want it to stop. However, it does get better...ring crysis, your hv, anyone who can give you a break- let people know how bad you are feeling. On the positive side I now have a wonderful 3 year old ds who is so affectionate and loving that whatever we went through was worth it. Good luck

DM - how are you feeling today??

Hi everyone! Wow thank you I am overwhelmed by all the wonderful posts and support. Thank you so much. SoupDragon I emailed you!

I am in Essex! Near Colchester.

Well today was a little better for a while, then it got worse again and I just had to go to sleep I couldnt cope with him anymore. DH has him again. We did have about 20 mins this morning where he was happy and we were communicating. Wish it had lasted longer.

He still wont sleep unless he is held. I keep saying he is the most held baby ever! I am just so burnt out really. I need a few days rest, fat chance!

I can really sympathise with those of you who said they felt bad when other mums seemed to just get it right and their babies were happy. I dont even go to the mother & baby groups I WAS going to because I am tired of explaining his grumpiness.

Hi.
I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I know how awful it makes you feel. You expect to feel this overwhelming power like no other and there is nothing. Maybe even just a little resentment towards them as they have 'trashed' your life? Ds2 is 8 weeks on Sunday and I am only just beginning to love him truly.
With Ds1 it was instant but not this time so it has come as quite a shock for me. It comes eventually, have no fear of that. As he becomes more responsive you will like him more and more and when the love grows you will feel there is not enough room in your heart for all the love you have for him and it will be truly wonderful. I promise.
With regards the crying, and I'm sure I am repeating someone, somewhere, I found the most very basic and primal strategies work.
Wrap the baby as tightly as you can with his arms straight at his sides and put him in the bouncer chair if you have one. If you don't borrow one or buy one or get one at a car boot for £3 or whatever, but in my experience, you need one!
Once wrapped and wedged in the bouncer (I say wedged as when swaddled tightly you can't really use a crotch strap very well) put your foot on the bottom and rock it, quite fast, maybe pop a dum in his mouth too if you are using one.
If I didn't do this every evening, I would never get on MN, spend time with Ds1, watch TV, make dinner or anything. (I even do it while stood in the kitchen peeling potatoes- it's amazing what you can do stood on one leg!!)
The past 3 nights, he has slept all night in his bouncer. I set it up on the floor right next to my bed and id he is well fed up and starts stirring I just hang my hand out for 5 mins and rock him back to sleep.
It has saved my sanity and the bouncer is usually quite an overlooked piece of baby gear.
I borrowed a swing to try but he hated it. It didn't rock him hard enough iyswim?
As I have rambled here somewhat, I hope some of it is useful, if any of it!!?

When I had dd1 she was just like this. It was awful, I thought all babies were like this then went to a couple of groups and found out others just fed and slept and felt really bad then!! I found it really awful and hard and adjusting to new motherhood was all the harder for it. I did eventually do hoovering with her in a sling but even then there was a lot of crying. I just wanted a break sometimes to do dishes, make a call, pee. I pouded the streets in the freezing cold and as soon as we got home it began again.....

When my DT2 turned into the same baby I took him for cranio sacral therapy and it did make quite a difference.

Don't feel bad putting him in his cot and letting him cry for a bit, put on loud music in another room and have a cup of tea. Take time out, he will come to no harm and he will remember none of it. You are doing your best.

BTW, my dd1 turned into the most fantastic kid and I am still totally adoring of her. I cried and cried at her first day at nursery and school.....well I'm still recovering. I miss her heaps when she's at school. It won't affect the child he's going to be, your feelings now will be totally different later so don't worry about feeling like you don't even want to be near him now. Its perfectly fine to feel like that.

Drivenmad

My DS3 is like this, it was a real shock, my first two were nothing like him.

He is now 10 months old and it is better.

For the first three / four months I could not put him down and he slept on my chest.

From five to nine months he was a little better but not much.

I started taking him to see an osteopath, after the intital examination, she said his upper body, rib cage etc were very rigid and tense and thought it could be to do with him being a very fast delivery and the fact that he did not cry when he was born. Anyway I have been too three sessions so far and there is definitely an improvement, he is starting to potter about more playing with toys and not constantly looking for me and he seems happier and more relaxed than he was. However he still will cling to my leg for me to pick him up which makes me and iykwim.

Oh and although he sleeps in his cot, he gets up three times a night, going to tackle this issue next.

I feel like you and would give anything for him to be completely happy and not so fretful, I feel a bit useless because I cant make him happy.

Anyway waffling on just thought it might be worth seeing a osteopath.

Hi All! Thanks very much for all your posts. We took him to an osteopath once but to be honest we cant afford anymore at £35 for one session. She said he might need 4 sessions to fully sort him out. I dont know.

Thank you for posting your encouraging stories about your little ones. Ladyoftheflowers your bouncy chair sounds like a godsend!! We have one but he doesnt like it anywhere near that much! I will keep trying though!

I do love him so much. I just wish I ALWAYS felt this way instead of sometimes being really angry at him.

Hi

Just thought that that seemd quite pricey re osteopath

i took my son to the childrens osteopathic centre in london adn you make a volunatary donation ( how much you can afford ) as it is a charity. But also friends have taken there children elsewhere and have paid around 20 or less in london - ??? so maybe shop around

i think the osteopathy may have helped

XX

FT

drivenmad, just spotted this. sorry to hear you're having a sh*t time, like others I have been there too with two of my three children. It's horrible. I remember just hating having to be with this miserable baby all day and night long.
(It put me off babies so much that whenever I hold someone else's newborn now I just feel relief that it's not mine!)

Both of them were much happier in themselves once they started being able to do more and both were very early crawlers, and both turned into the smiliest, delightful older babies.

I think some babies just have a really hard time getting used to life outside the womb, and at 11 weeks mine too were in the full swing of hating it all and crying, crying, crying...

Good luck, and I hope the ADs kick in soon to help you weather this time.

As its xmas soon could you get family/friend/dh to pay for the cranial oesteopathy as a xmas present?

He will cry more for you than your dh because you are the one who spends more time with him. Crying is the way babies communicate and he'll want to communicate more with you. MOst babies cry more for their mum than anyone else - it makes you a good mum not a bad one.

HAve you tried colief/infacol to see whether they help.

If ff - try the diff formulas that have been suggested.

If bf - try cutting out caffine completely from your diet (tea, coffee, chocolate) and then keep food diary (if you are up to it).

Sorry if you've tried this stuff already.

I found colic really hard and I didn't have PND so god knows how you are coping.

If you can't stand the crying try ear plugs - wear them when you need a 5-10 minute break and go into another room.

My ds had terrible colic as well.

IT does pass almost as quickly as it starts and you are nearly at the end.

Drivenmad, you may be able to get help with funding for osteopath from SureStart, dont know much about it but worth getting in touch.

I remember feeling like this with DS. I used to put him in his bouncy chair and put him in front of the washing machine. For some strange reason this used to work he would stop crying almost immediately, after a cycle of about and hour he was usually asleep.

DS is now 1.8 and is a very happy little boy, although still has a fixation with the washing machine!

Hi DM

I dont have anything to suggest that hasnt already been suggested. A year ago I was in almost exactly the same position as you. My dd was the most awful baby and did nothing but cry, I had severe pn despression and just felt like the absolute worst mother in the world I did nothing but cry. Just before christmas last year it was suggested that dd was lactose intolerant she started on soya formula and improved dramatically in a matter of days. A year on she is a happy healthy cheeky toddler, if someone had told me she would be I would not have believed them, at times I really hated her it makes me cry to even remember that but just to say it really WILL get better, hang on there, my computer is always on e mail me if you ever want to chat etc I would offer to help but know I wont live near you Im in france. Try to get out, its a real effort I know but fresh air makes you feel better and the crying never seems so loud outside!!

take care of yourself, you ARE doing a great job

cranial ostepath might be worth considering, took my dd and it certainly helped, also make sure that it definitely isn't reflux. DD used to scream when we laid her on her back and she would only sleep on dh chest, we had a nightmare few months and it was only after a lot of searching on the net that I came to the conclusion that it must be reflux. Get someone to give you a little break and have a relaxing bath, sleep (use earplugs if you have too)

Drivenmad - I so feel for you. DD was a nightmare - day and night. Your post brought it all back for me - the hours of HVs giving me 'advice' that didn't work and the sleep clinic lady who ended up admitting it was beyond her. DD would HOWL unless I was holding her ALL THE TIME and it drove me insane. I loved/love her totally, but it sent me to the edge.

Well done you for getting ADs, btw. I resisted but a year later they have really helped me.

One thing that also helped was buying a SWING!!! If you're in South London CAT me and you can borrow it. It meant she actually NAPPED!!! Ok not for very long at a time, but it did mean I didn't have to be dead on my feet, pushing the buggy round the neighbourhood to get her to sleep.

All I can say - because it is true - when you have tried swaddling and dummies and white noise and Harvey Karp and the cranial osteopath (sorry didn't work for us but I was desperate so tried it as it works for some people) etc etc and everyone keeps telling you this and that...

just remember IT WILL END.

I won't tell you when it ended for us, as it might make you upset as it took a longggg time - but DD is now 18 months old and we have been having proper sleep and proper rest for months now and everything feels normal again. I never believed it ever would. At one point I was hallucinating from sleep deprivation.

(I also wanted to smack all my friends with their babies who 'settled' at 12 weeks... and liked to imply subtly that DD's behaviour was my fault )

I remember collapsing/sleeping on the kitchen floor one night because I was so exhausted and it was for some reason the only room where DD would go quiet for a bit!!??! Got about 30 mins sleep that night.

It doesn't make you a bad mother to be exhausted and fed up. You are human and it is unbearable while it's happening - I know.

((((hugs))))
(Sorry for the post-a-thon but I soooooo feel your pain!)

Verso I felt for YOU reading about how you slept on the kitchen floor!!! Thank you for the offer of borrowing the swing - we actually have one and he will barely go in it.

Just wanted to say:

Thanks VERY MUCH all of your for your support. I Am feeling MUCH better and have in fact fallen in love with him all over again. Tonight we have even got him to sleep in his cot! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks again everyone for your support - I will look into the osteopath if things dont get better in the next week or so but so far (knock on wood) it seems to be improving!

very pleased for you and I hope it goes on improving.

Colic does seem to stop as quickly as it starts and I hope that with that pressure gone everything will start to look better.

Sorry, haven't read the thread, but have you tried a baby carrier/ sling, eg baby bjorn? It might be close enough to being held to quiet him down and you can get most things done. ds1 was a screamy baby (reflux) for the first 4 months or so and the baby carrier worked wonders. He also liked being held over the shoulder though because of his reflux it could be quite messy . HTH

so pleased to hear things are looking up

Hi, just wanted to say that I was exactly the same with my little boy who is now 7 months, at 6 weeks he had bad colic and cried for 3 hours solid every evening. I admit now i was depressed although at the time i wouldnt, i dreaded the crying and he would stop for his dad when he got home from work! then one afternoon I picked him out his moses basket and was greated with a big grin, not a little smile like we had had previously but a BIG grin. I sat and sobbed for almost an hour and the depression just melted away. its worth it in the end.

Sorry, don't have anything more to add, but just wanted to send you a hug.

You said Colchester? I'm not close enough, but I'm sure there must be plenty of Mners nearby. Can someone arrange a meet up - at least then you get out of the house and have a change of scenery. I'm sure people would be happy to hold baby (with you there of course) just to give your arms a rest. Would probably be good for baby too to have a change of holder