Is anybody still up?

[MummySparkle]

I could really do with a hand-hold.

PND & Anxiety are really getting to me. I can't sleep, I have to keep tapping my toes. And I've been googling overdoses for the first time in a long long time. It's not been a good week here :(

OH did come straight home in the end. With food and trifle

He forced me up out of DSs bed (we were watching night garden- think I'd drifted off) and downstairs to go and have something to eat.

It's definitely the medication. I feel all shakey and freezing cold. I'm tired to the core. I have to go to work tomorrow

I hope it doesn't take too long to settle down. Because it's not doing anything for the negative thoughts yet. Possibly feeling the worst I've felt yet. OH won't let me go to bed until the children are asleep. I can't starvawake fir that long

I'm at work, was fine until lunch, now really REALLY anxious. I work around lots of sharps :(asked a colleague for a smoke. Outside trying to calm down

Do you think you started getting anxious at lunch time because it's "free" time? I know I struggle with lunchtime because when I'm working I know what I'm supposed to do, but having free time is just too much.

I work around lots of sharps too & I know it can be difficult to stop your mind running away. Do you have anything that works to ground you? Or calm you down?

Sending best wishes

Thanks lovely.

Yes, free time is bad, I'm not sure what to do with it. If I'd been at work it wouldn't have been so bad, but I had to leave the premisis to go and buy lunch. I didn't take lunch with me, so was going to keep working, but my colleagues made me eat something
My boss is a star, she knows I was off on Monday because of 'head stuff' and that my anxiety has been bad. I told her to keep me busy this afternoon, and she set up loads of jobs for me to do. It wasn't hard - the kids have exams tomorrow, so it was quite chaotic trying to get everything prepped.

Driving home was scary. Lots of my head was telling me to close my eyes and steer off the road. It's really hard to separate what's te real me from the MH stuff. But what if the MH stuff is the real me?

I get anxious with free time. I think it's the pressure to relax, which is easier said than done when you suffer from anxiety and MH problems.

I'm feeling quite proud today. I have been avoiding pubs for a long time, no reason in particular but for some reason ive always been too anxious to enter one but I went into one today with a friend, sat with friends of his who Id never met, in a town Id never been and was fine. Very pleased.

I sometimes get like that whilst driving but it's brilliant that you can actually seperate it even though it is hard. The MH stuff isn't you. The you is the lovely mummysparkle that I check back to have a natter with each day.

How are the hexagons?

Thank you bollocks

That's brilliant that you made it to the pub, a huge positive, you definitely should be proud. Do you feel more confident to go again now when you're next invited?

Hexagons have been shelved for a bit. I've joined over half of them, but joining was using too much brain power, so I started a pile of squares for a new blanket instead.

Yesterday evening was terrible. I got a call back from the GP, my bloods are all fine. I really thought my thyroid would be wrong, then they could change my thyroxine and id feel better. I really hoped there would be a medical explanation. But there's not. It's all my head.

The anxiety seems to come in waves at the moment. One of them was so overwhelming last night. I was curled up on the floor clinging on to OH's feet because it was the only way I could cope with the thoughts in my head.

I have to get up and get ready for work in a bit. I woke up lots in the night, I dint feel rested at all this morning. I know work will be busy today. There is a 5hr exam in one room, and we are painting scenery for the drama department in the other room. It's an 'enrichment day' so we're off timetable which might throw me a bit. But it's also non-uniform day, so comfy clothes here I come! Really with I could turn up in my PJs...
I'm scared I'll have an anxiety attack at work. I'm going to take a lorazepam with me just in case.

I'm driving DD to MILs this morning so I have to drive safe. I'll be driving home on my own though

I definitely feel more confident. I'm trying to push myself into doing more things.

DS is at his dads tomorrow. Then as of next Friday he is staying overnight friday, until Saturday tea. I'm dreading it. I have never spent a night away from him before.

Off timetable would throw me, I like routine. I like to be in control of the situation im in, otherwise I get very anxious. Taking lorazepam with you sounds like a good idea. Have you ever tried the beta blockers?

Drive safe. Would the radio being on be a good distraction or no?

Things are getting bad. Took lorazepam as soon as I got home yesterday. It made me drowsy and fuzzy-headed but I still had the thoughts. I cut again. OH is going out in a bit.

I can't bear this any more. I tried to make a wish last night to be better, but even as I was saying it the bad voices came in and said bad things.

I always have radio on in my car, it definitely helps. No, haven't tried beta-blockers

Oh no, would it help if you called the crisis team again? Or spoke to OH? I know you mentioned he has threatened to leave over it before but do you think he really would?

How are you feeling now?

We haven't spoken to the crisis team since OH called them. I haven't told OH about the cuts, but he has seen them, but not said anything.

I took three of my lorazepam yesterday and, aside from the tiredness, I felt almost normal, they drowned out everything else in my head. But I was really tired and slurring my words slightly.

I feel bad again today. Tingly and fuzzy and tired but wired too. It's not nice.

I see my consultant tomorrow I have to try to hold on til then

What time is your appointment tomorrow? Try and use that as something to focus on. Have you taken any today?

Happy Mother's Day

Not taken any today. I've decided to go and see my mum for the first time in a few weeks. I can't take any lorazepam otherwise I won't be able to drive :-

It dawned on me today, that out new house is quite near a motorway bridge. I feel very numb today. Too exhausted to keep fighting these feings. I'm not even sure I know which thoughts I should be fighting any more. OH's grandad has been given a week to live. His nan has had a virus and has just been diagnosed with dementia. MIL is our support pillar, but obviously we can't talk to her at the moment as her parents are ill.

DS vomited everywhere earlier, really hoping he hasn't caught the virus from OH's nan.

I'm exhausted. I just don't know where to go

You've got a lot to deal with at the moment, most people would struggle with it without having a mental health issue to deal with as well. I hope you are ok tonight, and try and tell your consultant as much as you can in the appointment tomorrow.

If it all gets too much at any point then go to A&E and ask for help.

Thank you culture

I didn't sleep well last night. Woke up quite a few times anyway. Not helped by DS climbing into our bed via my face. And then sleeping with his feet in my face for the rest of the night.

I really don't know what to say to the consultant. I'm homing she will ask me lots of simple questions that I can elaborate on, rather than saying "what's been happening then?"

I feel numb this morning. Empty and blank and numb