Is anybody still up?

[MummySparkle]

I could really do with a hand-hold.

PND & Anxiety are really getting to me. I can't sleep, I have to keep tapping my toes. And I've been googling overdoses for the first time in a long long time. It's not been a good week here :(

Hi mummy sparkle. This might sound silly but can you cry when you feel like hurting yourself? Do you think that maybe having a 'good cry' could help to get the pain out? I don't self harm but sometimes I think it's used as a way to get all the pain and suffering and frustration out and I personally believe that letting your emotions out in a 'healthier' way such as crying can also help. Please tell me to sod off if you think I don't know what I'm talking about and you don't think it can help.

And again this is totally none of my business and feel free to ignore me but I noticed from your posts that your OH is not exactly being supportive and seems to spend quite a lot of time away from you and the dc, even though you're very much struggling. I don't really think that's on. I think he needs to support you more.

Thanks Bisley Bou

I had a really good cry last night. Today I just feel too numb. You know when the tv is tuned to nothing and there is that hiss and flickering pixels? I feel like there's a layer of that between everything.

OH is trying to be supportive. He also has anxiety issues and a lot going on (his grandad has weeks left to live at best). He goes cycling with a group of friends every Sunday which has really helped with his mental health, and I pushed him into doing it.

He is going to make lots of phone calls for me tomorrow and take me to the GPs and try to get everything sorted out.

OH is on his way home now, he's going to make me dinner and look after me tonight.

I might just have a nap and he can look after DD

How are you feeling now? Do you feel that maybe excersise could help you like it has helped your oh?

I read something about wearing an elastic type band round a wrist to flick when the urge to sh was strong, although I have no idea if that would actually be helpful.

I hope your GP appointment is helpful tomorrow, maybe they will switch your medication. For anxiety ive found that a combination of trycyclic antidepressants (I can't take SSRI's) and beta blockers works quite well.

Im still breastfeeding DD. I think I am going to have to give that up tonne on any other medication. We're at a stage now where I'm not producing enough for her anyway and she gets frustrated. I think it's because I'm stressed.

I've tried the elastic bake
....

I fell asleep whilst writing that. I need to call in sick to work. I can't remember who I need to speak to

Help

OH is controlling me. Because social servises are involved in not allowed to tell anybody how I feeling because it will get back to them. He shouted at me for telling the GO triage nurse that I was struggling with my mental health over the weekend.
He told me he was going to get me help today. He lied. I don't know what to do

I'm at work so I can't write a very long message, but i just wanted to quickly respond.

Can you talk to your OH and ask him why he has lied to you and what he thought that would achieve?

Did you go to the GP today? What did they say/do?

For the benefit of your mental health, you need to be able to talk properly to someone about how you are feeling. Trying to hide it out of fear of SS is not going to help. It was wrong of your OH to tell you off and shout at you for being honest to the triage nurse. In fact, wrong to shout at you full stop.

I agree with culture ask him (if you can) why he's behaved like that.

Had he lied about the gp appointment? If so, could you book one yourself? You do need to speak to someone about how you're feeling, Oh is wrong to do what he has done.

It's okay. I misunderstood him and panicked.

We are on the way to the GP now. He thought we had agreed that the appointment was just to do with my thyroid levels. I thought we were going there to talk about everything. It's all one big jumble in my head.

He has apologised and we've tried to have a better conversation about it. When I'm not well I struggle to understand things and OH gets frustrated because I don't always understand things that are really obvious to him. I'm going to be honest with the GP

Ah ok, that makes more sense. Although frustration is not a reason to shout at anyone, so you OH needs to try and work on finding a way to manage his frustration better. Maybe, if you can, ask him to tell you that he is getting frustrated, and that he needs a few moments to compose himself. Then he can walk away for a minute or two, and then come back to the conversation.

Again I agree with culture. Although your GP appointment should be about whatever you want it to be.

Hopefully you will be able to come up with a new plan of action. You're doing brilliantly.

Saw GP, I always worry when I get an appointment with an unpronounceable surname, (i once had a Dr who couldn't understand what I was saying and I speak relatively clearly with a 'posh' accent.)

Anyway, the GP was lovely really understanding. He's sent me off to get bloods done and the results will be back tomorrow afternoon. OH has apologised and we are both going to try to communicate a bit better. I'm going to tell him when what he has said had made me think, rather than jumping to conclusions.

I feel very jittery and eugh today. Lots of new places and I don't like them. Now we're driving to a different hospital to get bloods done as GP was short staffed and we want ther results back ASAP.

The Dr asked me if I've been sectioned before I had to give him quite a long list of various 5:4s 1:2s 136s 2s and 3s the list was so long he stopped writing them down

I'm frantically crocheting hexagons to keep my head from whizzing too fast

Hi MummySparkles, I was wondering how many crochet hexagons there are now? Hope you've had a good day today after the GPs appointment.

How are you feeling now? Did they give you a rough timescale for the bloods?

I wouldn't know where to start with crocheting. I'd like to learn though.

You tube has lots of videos for learning to crochet. My grandma taught me when I was young, but I re-taught myself when I went to uni.

One ball of the yarn I was using makes 35 hexagons.... The pattern I was going to do needs 37 - typical! But I've re-jigged them and it's working well as a 5 x 7 rectangle (sort of!)

My consultant called yesterday afternoon. She has upped my sertraline and given me more lorazepam. I need to see my GP this afternoon or tomorrow morning to pick them up. Blood test results should be in later this afternoon. I'm going to call up later.

I'm about to go out to my PND craft group. It's the highlight of my week at the moment.

I felts really pants yesterday evening. The feeling ms come in waves. I feel a bit brighter today, but tired :(

I'm taking my hexagons to craft attack, might even get them finished!

I will have a look. Been thinking I need to get a hobby for a while now. I am a single parent and it does get quite lonely and boring when DS goes to bed. He has just woken from his nap as I started to drift off, typical. He is 1, and when he wakes he doesn't shout for me, he abouts for the cat!

Hopefully upping the sertraline will have a good effect. I too am feeling very tired. Although I haven't felt like I need to take beta blockers since Sunday. I have a review of my imipramine dosage next week. I'm also getting a new smart meter installed. It's all very exciting...

That's typical about the yarn - Sod's law!

As in a smart meter for your medication levels? That's cool! Social worker is coming over tomorrow with a good old fashioned daily pill box so I get better at taking them.

OH is still really paranoid about having social services involved, even though they are here to support us. So I have to spotlessly clean the house tonight. He had a bit of a hissyfit this afternoon because the kitchen was a mess. He knocked a ketchup bottle over and swiped a pile of laundry onto the floor because he "can't cope when it's in a state like this". sigh 5 mins would have cleared and cleaned all of the surfaces and then it woul have been fine to work in (obvs the washing up takes longer). But I hadn't had a chance in the morning and he got home before we did.

I know it's his anxiety making him like that, be he gets really nasty and snappy. Which in turn gets me all shouty because my temper is ready to go at the slightest thing. And then he tells me off for being rude and shouting at him. I'm not feeling the support today.

I left the DCs with him for an hour whilst I collected my new sertraline prescription and my new glasses, and got back to him behaving like a child. He really begrudged me for going.

On the up-side, my world is in HD again... Yay! And I sneaked a sausage roll from Griggs

Dr Nice from th GP called, my full blood count came back normal, so no more folic acid for me. My thyroxine levels weren't back at close of play today, but one of his colleagues is going to keep an eye out for the results and call in the morning.

You should definitely give crochet a go. I'd recommend stylecraft special DK and a 4mm hook to begin with. It's cheap, easy to work with and comes in any colour under the sun! Wool warehouse.co.uk are fab. I've been using ice magic light for my hexagons. It's ha d to get hold of in the UK, gems yarn loft (Google it) stock it. Each ball has slow colour changes so you get lots of different shades from just one ball. Oh and make sure you're watching a video for UK crochet terms.. The U.S. have different names for the same stitches (it's super confusing!) x

That was rather long - sorry! Hopefully this should show you the different colours Youvan get from a ball of ice magic (if the picture attaches) x

That looks really beautiful mummy sparkle

No for my gas and electric! Slightly more boring than medication levels im afraid. I had mine in a pill box but then I lost it

I'd be paranoid about social services too, I think it's just because you only really hear bad stories about them so everyone seems to associate them with a negative outcome. I know a few people that have had them involved and they've been a fabulous help.

I too get very snappy when I'm anxious. That's often the first sign people get that im not feeling great. Very jealous of the Gregg's by the way I bloody love them.

They look amazing, what sort of other things do you make?

The long post is a welcome distraction. Had a bit of a stressful day, DS's dad is being a dick again. So much so that my solicitor is pushing for an emergancy injunction against him as he has been making threats against me. We're hoping to be able to secure a hearing either tomorrow or Thursday. Fingers crossed it all goes well.

Thank you bisley [flower]

I masked all sorts of things. Got a giant blanket underway, but I did the border wrong and unpicked lots. Hence getting fed up and starting the hexies! Top 3 rows are now all bordered and joined together, it's starting to look like a proper blanket, I'm really quite proud of it actually! I've made both if the DCs list of blankets and I make hats fit all my friends that have new babies. I'm hoping to make a couple of these hexie ones and set up an etsy shop to sell them. One of my friends has an actual real life shop that sells crochet bits, so I might ask her if she needs more stock.

I know some people that have had great support from SS too bollocks and as its me that sees them they are constantly reassuring me that they can see we are great parents, just in need of a bit of support at the moment. My family support worker was saying that as I reported DSs bruises myself they could see that I was mortified and asking for help. If they'd foubd the bruises at crèche without me saying anything then it would have been a different story. I did the right thing about a terrible situation.

Both OH and I get snappy when we're unwell, makes for a hard time. But I need to make sure he doesn't get ill too, otherwise we really will be struggling.

That sounds awful with your ex bollocks I really hope you can get everything sorted ASAP. Feel free to keep chatting about it here if it helps. I've got my fingers crossed for you x

Oh do let us know if you open the etsy shop so I can have a look.

It's quite bad, I never wanted it to get to this state but realistically im not sure how much longer I could've taken his constant shit without snapping and finally doing something about it. Can't wait until it's over and done with, but trying not to focus on it too much. It was all I thought/spoke about yesterday and it absolutely exhausted me by 7pm.

Did you manage to sleep well? How are you feeling today?

I'm struggling today.

New meds are among me really tired. SW visited earlier, she was nice. I ran about tidying the house before she came and now I'm spent.

DD is in her cot, DS is in his room. They are safe but I have no energy left. I'm in bed.

I just called OH because I'm desperate for help. He said 'you've been at home all day, what have you done to make you tired?' And he said he wasn't coming home now (he was on his way home)

I can barely keep my eyes open to type this. The DCs are grizzling for me, but I can't get to them

I made it to DSs room. We're all in here now. I'm faklimgbasleepbinbhis bed

Oh goodness, what does your OH expect? You're taking medication and trying to counter being unwell whilst dealing with 2 children under 4! It's tiring - presumably he had not had them too much on his own all day?

Sorry you're feeling so tired. Could you call him and explain that it's the medication and that he needs to help rather than make things worse?