Is anybody still up?

[MummySparkle]

I could really do with a hand-hold.

PND & Anxiety are really getting to me. I can't sleep, I have to keep tapping my toes. And I've been googling overdoses for the first time in a long long time. It's not been a good week here :(

Thank you for your reply culture

I haven't been able to talk to OH today. He knows I'm tired, and he is too after a long week. I kind of don't want t talk to him about these feelings because I know he'll be angry.

He has said right from the start that he would leave me if I ever started self harming again. And that he would take the children. I know he's serious. But I harmed earlier this evening for the first time in nearly 4 years. And now I've gone down that route it's like I've opened the floodgates for all of those thoughts and urges to start whizzing around my head again.

I'm sorry you aren't able to talk to him about these things, and I'm sorry you've got to the point where you've had to self harm.

Do you have anyone you can phone, a crisis team or similar?

Just because you are feeling like this today doesn't mean an inevitable downward spiral. I do think you need to get some outside help.

In the meantime, .

I have an appointment on the 16th, I can't get anything sooner. I was supposed to have a phone call from my consultant, but she didn't call.

I don't bave the number for the crisis team in my new area.

My social worker and my family support worker have been trying to chase things up for me, but everyone has been on leave

I slept badly last night. Woken up with a headache and my head is still swimming with thoughts of more harm.

I'm scared

Can you (or maybe your OH?) try and find the phone numbers off the Internet or phone a main switchboard and ask to be put through?

Being scared means that you know that there is a problem and that you need to get some support. Go to A&E if you can't get through to anyone and you still need help. There will be people out there who can help.

I've found the number. I used to live this side of the county (5 years ago), and although I'm in a different borough now, it's the same crisis team. I'm reluctant to call as they'll probably say I'm not bad enough to be seen by them. I'm still going to work etc. I'm sure the staff have changed, but they weren't very nice last time.

OH wants to have a family day somewhere as it's nice and sunny. I just want to stay in bed. But I've got to put my face on and pretend everything is okay

Give them a call anyway - you're right that the people may have changed (hopefully an improvement). Let them make their assessment and see what they say, you never know.

Sunshine and fresh air might be a good thing, and there's nothing wrong with putting a brave face on for the children. It doesn't mean that you have to pretend nothing is wrong, just postpone it for a short while whilst you take the family out.

Putting on a brave face may help. Sometimes when I'm feeling very anxious it helps to put some makeup up, do my hair and get out of the house.

Do try and call the crisis team, I sincerely hope you are feeling better soon

I've had a shower, and actually shaved for the first time in a while - that's made me feel a little better.

We are going to the beach with Nana to throw stones in the water. OH is taking the dog for a walk whilst I get the children reads.

Currently DS is watching TV and I'm curled up in the corner of DD's room.

I'll go out and see how we go today. I feel very sluggish, but I'll give everything my best shot. I might call the crisis team later.

Mive been referred to adult autism services. The questionnaires came through this morning. I have to send them back and then they see if I get an appointment. It says I have to take a parent with me to the spot, but if I do then my mum will just sabotage it.

With I could text / email the crisis team instead

If you get an appointment I would just turn up without your mum - what about people who don't have their parents still, or if they live in a different country? They'll have to do without, especially if you explain that your mum is part of the problem not part of the solution.

Hope you have a nice walk on the beach, sounds like a good plan.

I rang, but I couldn't say anything.

You tried though, and that's a big thing.

This will get better I promise you. Keep posting whenever you feel the need. Does it have to be you that calls?

Forgive me if ive missed it, but are you currently on medication?

That's ok, it's small steps. Would it help to write down what you need to say and have it in front of you to help you, if you call again?

Yes, I'm on sertraline, and I have some lorazepam as PRN, but not much left.

I called again, and I spoke to a nice lady. She had access to all of my notes, which was good, so I could just talk. She reassured me a bit that I'm doing okay. Said I can call whenever I need which is good to know.

We are in the car on the way to the beach now. I'm trying to put my okay face on.

OH is starting to get annoyed because 'it's hard work for everyone' when I'm 'like this' He's right, but it's not really helpful him telling me that.

OH has asked if we can have a 'no phones' afternoon. So I'm going to sign off for a bit and play happy families. I'll be back this evening.

Thabks once again for all of your replies, it's really reassuring to know there are friendly people in my phone xXx

Could it be that the sertraline isn't cutting it? I felt that SERt made me worse. Ive never had lorezapam though.

I'm currently on a combination of imipramine, and propanolol. The beta blocker may be worth looking into if it's something you haven't yet tried.

I can understand where your OH is coming from, I imagine the worry is very frustrating for him, not that I'm justifying what he has said.

I hope your day goes well

The beach was nice. I collected lots of shells as there were loads that had been washed up. We left the DCs with MIL for a bit and had a little potter around the shops. I felt quite anxious, but I was okay if I was holding OH's hand. I'm glad I went out.

I told OH that I'd harmed last night in the car on the way home. He flipped out. He's always said that he would leave if I harmed again. And he says he's going to follow through. He's outside having a smoke at the moment, not sure what he's doing next. Wish I hadn't said anything. Fuck.

You've taken a big step by going out and I'm glad that you did. I have felt ok today. Best day I've had in a while.

Has he said anything else about it yet? Do you really think he will?

I think it's probably better to have told him, than perhaps him noticing on his own.

Give him a chance to calm down and think about things, and he may well reconsider his knee jerk reaction. It's a big thing to do over one instance that you've been honest about.

Glad to hear you've had a good day today too bollocks I think the sunshine helps.

OH and I have talked. We have an action plan. We think my thyroid levels are probably wrong, not sure whether the sertraline is helping, and have a hunch that the folic acid is causing more harm than good. OH is going to take me to the GP first thing on Monday to get it sorted out. Going back to our old GP as they are nice and we do t know if it's set up for the new docs yet. And OH has a prescription to collect from there anyway.

I cried, lots. trigger warnibg I can feel Marta of my skin screaming out for me to cut them. Every time I move I can feel one place that's almost begging me to cut. But I cant. I have to get through tomorrow.

OH is going out cycling with his friends. DS is at nana's tonight and until OH comes home, so it's just me and DD at home.

I have lots of crochet planned for tomorrow (got a very almost finished blanket) and lots of tea drinking I think. We got new teacups for xmas, think ill unbox them.

Part of me is looking up what minor injury units are open tomorrow so I can cut and get it sorted whilst OH is out :/

I've take my sertraline and my lorazepam tonight. I can feel the sleepiness kicking in. Hopefully DD will sleep well and I'll get some decent rest.

Your plan with your OH sounds really positive, that's great.

It may be unhelpful but I found an interesting link about distractions from self harming:

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/PDF/Self-Harm Distractions and Alternatives FINAL.pdf

(I can't make it a clicky link, sorry)

Your plan of action re the gp sounds good. I honestly don't know what to suggest re the self harm, ive never experienced it so I won't try to pretend to understand, but the crocheting sounds like a good distraction. And of corse we are here to talk.

Thank you. I pretty much slept through last night, which was good. I don't remember going to get baby girl from her room in the night, so maybe OH brought her through for me. I do feel a bit more rested, but I could quite easily go back to sleep for a few hours.

DD has been a super-smiley boob-monster this morning. We've been lying in bed together for the last hour. She is super cute.

The urges aren't as strong this morning. They're background noise as opposed to shouting and screaming and demanding my attention.

I was sobbing to OH 'just one more, just one more' last night. He used to work with addicts and said I sounded just like them.

Minor injuries is open 9am - 9pm today. Which makes things all the more tempting. I wish it had been closed on Sunday's.

Thoughts are creeping in again

Can you talk to your OH before it becomes too much, and tell him you need distracting?

Can you change what you're doing - go out and do something active, or do something involving with the children?

OH is out all day. It's just me and DD. I've been crocheting, but DD has just woken up. We should both have some lunch. And I need to sort her nappy out. My head feels all cloudy. I Think I might drive over to MIL's so I'm not alone. I don't really want to be around people either. I just want to sleep