Winter in the village - support for all kinds of MH issues - depression, anxiety, OCD, psychosis, bipolar...

[creamhearts]

I know the thread is a bit dead but I thought I would start a new one and see if we can keep it going xx

hey Ed!!! well done you for finishing your pgce. i am strangely proud :) it has really boosted to read this post. considering how poorly you were right at the beginning of these threads it is really encouraging. you must be really excited and nervous about the new job. you deserve it. well done - you are going to be a great teacher.

i think vicar namechanged as she was recognised in rl. hopefully she is still reading. i miss her in the village.

im on new meds. citalopram stopped working for me.

Aaah faith you're so welcome. I remember feeling like that. Hope the music and tea helped.

I'm studying fine art (painting) which I love, but some days, concentrating hard on producing an oil painting completely wipes me out. Meeting was about an exhibition I'm plucking up courage to get involved with!

Hi Ed so great to hear from you and CONGRATULATIONS on pgce and Job

Dh has offered to do supermarket shop for me tomorrow which I think I will take him up on.

Night.

Colouring I used to love food shopping (I know, Im mad!) but have had to resort to home delivery as even the thought of stepping into a store terrifies me. I miss it.

I am really not very well :( Why do i have to be like this? i can't stand any more

((( lem ))) I think I'm in the same
Space as you at the moment

((( nn ))) I'm absolutely shocked to have read about ur experience. It must have been so scary. Hope ur ok x

ED congrats and so happy to read your doing so well x

((( ciq ))) hope u did take ur DP up on the shop run. It's good to read ur doing a painting course. Not the same thing but I have been nicking my little ones colouring book to help me escape my mind just for 10 mins.

((( snowy ))) really hope ur ok x

Hugs to anyone I've forgotten and I'm sure I have and a massive thank you to all that have been thinking of me and sending hugs. U all have been so wonderful in keeping me going the past week or so.

I've just been in bed past few days and the weekend will be much of the same. I've now got B12 deficiency as well as vit D deficiency and the tablets the Dr has given me are wiping me out. All I so is sleep and eat at the moment so of course I'm going to gain weight again

Hi Ed congratulations on the PGCE and job, that's fantastic news! :D

Thanks CIQ things calmed down in the end. Have been up and down today but things have been slightly easier. I got very overwhelmed earlier but spent some time with a friend just talking about day to day things. He's unaware of the mental health issues but it was nice to just spend time with someone. Spent some time in the university chapel and then did some retail therapy. Now sat with a cup of camomile tea watching Fireman Sam with 5 yr old DSS.

The course sounds brilliant ciq , though I do understand it being hard. Hope you did take up the offer for food shopping.

((((lem)))) hang in there. I really hope your tablets start working soon.

((((pulled)))) sorry to hear you're struggling atm. The whole eating and sleeping thing sucks, I've been there and it's horrible. Hope the rest helps though.

Hugs to all I've not mentioned.

(((lem)))

thanks faith it is good - in fact has been a lifesaver the last couple of years.

pulled that sounds tough. Really hope the treatment for vit d and b12 deficiency start to help you feel better soon.

Well another wiped out Friday. I seem to be completely exhausted every Friday. A friend took kids to school for me. Dh woke me up at 11 (as I'd asked him to (could have slept all morning). Did do supermarket but dh put everything away for me. Me and dcs round to a friends after school which was nice, though I didn't find socialising very easy

Am still feeling paranoid. Don't know if I posted about this earlier in the week. Anyhow several people have asked me this week if I've thought about getting a job. And I know they mean well and are trying to offer solutions to our difficult financial situation but I cannot escape the paranoia that they think I really should, and am being pathetic in not doing that, and that my painting is an indulgence rather than a potential career. That given how ill Dh has been I really should step up. My counsellor was helpful on Wed but it was only a temporary thing and I can't escape the paranoia. I just don't think I could cope with thinking about job hunting and working on top of everything else that's going on. Does that make me pathetic? I'm not sure any more. The meeting yesterday about the exhibition I'm getting involved in had me very anxious and that's something I'm enthusiastic about! I have felt my mood slipping a bit the last couple of days. Dd is up and down this eve so there's no peace either.

ciq that doesn't sound pathetic at all! I completely understand where you're coming from. You've got to take care of your health, don't put yourself under any more pressure than necessary. Do the people suggesting this know you've mental health issues? I know what you mean about being anxious even when you're enthusiastic. How old is dd? Hope she's now settled

Thanks faith yes some do know which makes it harder. I do feel I'm doing ok mentally given last October's nightmare. But it would be too much.

Dd is 10. I think she's just dropped off.

I wonder if perhaps it's just a case of people don't realise how hard it is unless they've been there / sometimes even unless they're there at this very moment. I don't think I was on the thread in October, but I'm glad you feel you're doing okay. I think you're doing the right thing by not putting that pressure on yourself atm.

Fingers crossed dd stays asleep so you can get some rest.

Dh almost succeeded in killing himself in October

Sorry ciq I didn't see this last night. That's awful :( ((( ciq )))

oh CiQ, how did i miss that about your DH? i am so so sorry that i did and didn't offer you any words of support. It must have been terrifying for you. This illness, it is just so bloody insidious.

Please don't feel the pressure to look for work if you don't feel ready yet. You mentioned financial difficulties - i am the queen of those and we are slipping again but i can offer some advice in terms of dealing with creditors etc, as i have pretty much all those t shirts, pm me if you have any questions.

Ironically i am in a similar position in terms of feeling pressured to find a job, some of that is coming from myself. but alot from DP just now. In fact, things are not good between us and i am torn, i think i should leave, i am making his life hell and as a consequence my DD's life. She is the only reason i am staying to be honest, he is a brilliant dad and i could never separate them but then she would be heartbroken if i left. I just wish that my DP could find someone who would make him happy. He deserves to be happy.

Sorry, i am probably not being very helpful, im in a bad way and its becoming apparent that i am not going to get better. Its just been too long and i have become that pathetic, weak person that this illness has threatened me with all these years. I want to give up.

I see other people, they are happy - i know that i can't have that, but i can't take that away from my DP and my children either. I just don't know what to do.

Thanks [faith] x

lem its the awful nature of depression that it nakes you think so badly about yourself and the impact on others. It's not the truth but bloody hell it feels like it. Things are going to be bad at the mo - you've just changed meds and aren't at a therapeutic dose. Get past that b4 you start to job hunt.

I don't think I posted in oct and nov cos things were so awful and I was sooo busy. He very very nearly succeeded. Last night he was in v late from the pub and so I started worrying.

That and job comments and alcohol last night seems to have flipped my brain over to the dark side today. Completely paranoid that everyone thinks I'm pathetic, they're getting fed up of listening to me moan. I tried to tell dh some of this and now I'm worried I've brought him down. Good news is that dh managed to do his tax return and looks like we're due a small chunk of money back from IR . Am wondering uf I can summon up any motivation to make chocolate cake later as I'd like to eat a whole one!

I havent managed to do his tax return yet because he hasn't given me the information i need - he has just informed me that i do nothing for him

ciq in my young day mothers were often made to feel guilty about going out to work - now they are made to feel guilty for not doing so.

lem can you help him get the paperwork together? There is a sort of paralysis that sets in when one is not sure all the paperwork is there - in the old days I used to dread renewing my car tax because of the angst involved in finding the MOT and insurance cert, multiply that by a business and of course it's a stress. I think ciq is right about the depression causing your thoughts btw.

I went to a party last night, I made the , it was a coffee and walnut victoria sponge made with wholemeal self-raising flour, and light brown sugar, and incorporating chopped nuts in the actual mixture. Though I say it myself, twas lush.

I am feeling a bit angsty, but not in a mh issue way - all to do with buying and selling houses aargh.

hugs and to all

Im wondering if a chocolate might help me too. I really craving some wine at the moment and i think ive got a period - The spotting and the desire to throw myself under a train are the clues. My DP has been really nasty to me today - sometimes i think he is the cause of alot of my stress. I mean really? its not my fucking tax return yet im the one stressing over it, ive done all the bits that i can do, all he has to do is go through his bank statements and invioce book and write down the cash payments and tie them together. I just said that i wanted to get it out the way as its really stressing me out but he then said well, you do fuck all for me and i was as I have been helping him on jobs for the past two weeks. I get no pay (i don't want it) but i have just noticed my last pair of jeans have got a hole in the crutch and i don't even ask for money for clothes.

lem is he angling for you to do the going through statements etc? Can you assemble said documents, then it would be ready for him to just get on with. (I know, I know, it is really up to him, but you need to get this off your mind!)

What usually happens? Is there a system? is it worth setting one up?

we really need to go through it together but we can't do it with dd around and it will probably end up in a row. i have had enough.

I am not surprised you have had enough. Doing the books and tax is just as much a part of a business as doing quotes and carrying out work. Of course, there is always the option of paying a book-keeper/accountant - and therefore, in effect you are saving the business money by doing the tax return. (And saving it even more if you get it in on time )

Silvery, thats just it, last week i helped him build a wall, i do loads of labouring and decorating for him and i really enjoy it. If he had to pay someone else to do the bits i do he would have to pay them about £100 a day so whilst i don't do stuff every day i do feel that i contribute, so when he tells me i do nothing to support him it really hurts. I think he thinks because i have to leave at 3 to pick up DD it doesn't count. Ive done all the purchase ledger and his wages that were taxed at source, its just about tying up the loose edges, which he could have done this week and i could have sent the bastard thing off and got on with with worrying about everything else. I am shifting between hating myself for being so useless and feeling really angry with him for making me feel this way. I do understand he is stressed, this time of year is always stressful as there is always a bill we can't pay and stressfull negotiations.

Anyway, i'll stop moaning now, am sat watching harry potter with my dog on my lap, i'll count that as a blessing

For your own benefit, why not keep a record of the actual hours you put in, and cost it at minimum wage/living wage/£10 an hour. Not as a "weapon" to use against him, but for your own truth and self-esteem. Which might change the dynamic a little bit - you can be proud of what you do regardless of him...

What I mean is, no need to even mention it to him. You know, and that might be enough?

silvery's suggestion sounds good. You're not useless lem !! Things sound really hard at the moment and you're doing amazingly. I know I couldn't have worked all day and looked after the kids all evening when I was feeling really bad. Try to be proud of what you do already :)