community-based psychiatric adventures of the mentally normal

[Mitchy1nge]

am not sure if mavis is still in this one

I wish I had let them section me rather than this forced voluntary bullshit. I would be safe in hospital, DP would be sleeping soundly.

It was all over a sign on a door. It said, Voluntary patients are free to leave, simply ask a nurse and they will be happy to let you out. I go for a walk every day. I needed to feel I was a free woman. But they would not let me out for a walk, no matter how many times I politely asked. So I asked for discharge as id been adnitted under false pretences ("voluntarily"), the ward manager gave me a piece of paper to sign and i left and everything went to shit. I walked out of a psych appt today because he said the diagnosis I am scared of and i wastedmy chance to challenge it or understabd it and probably jeopardized my chances of their being open with me again. I only hope to lrebuild the therapeutic relationship as has said he now wants me to see a different psychiatrist. Everyone is proceeding on the basis I have a disorder that I'm pretty sure I don't have and I'm scared and sad and so guilty and everything hurts all the time z and DP told my parents i yook an OD and I can't take the guilt.I have said I will go into hospital so dp can sleeP but doubt I will get another bed. I don't want to go, and be scared of the rapes and the thefts and the druggings and the assaults from patients, and the attacks and restraints and forced drugging and lies written about me by staff, but I am out of options for a shitheaded worthless vindictive selfish shortsighted selfobsessed unintelliget talentless ugly fat stupid self-interested malicious bad tempered vicious disgusting vile malevolent cow who uses other peoples food and water and space and resouces and money and time and effort and produces nothing but shit and trouble.

I hope nothing in there was inappropriate. I am reporting all my posts just in case.

I have told DP I don't feel safe, I have rung HTT and told them I don't feel safe, I've taken another 7.5mg zopiclone to try and go back to sleep, but the only logical course of action to me seems to be one which I have been told I must not take and is only a feeling which will pass. It doesn't feel like a feelingm it feels like a decision based on weeks of thought.

Everything I do and say, DP is analysing for intent. They and I've turned my lovely DP into a warder. I lie crying begging for him to help me because the pain is too much, meaning what I'd said earlier about calling the HTT guy, and he assumes I'm begging him to help me die and says it's manipulative, because I asked him why people might think i'm manipulative. But if that's what it means its a misunderstanding of what I'm asking for. Anything anyone can do or say can be cast as manipulative. I noticed he was having trouble sleeping and offered a zopiclone and he said "no" instead of " no thanks" - turns out he thought I was trying to manipulate him into sleeping deeper so I could harm myself while he slept. So this suggestion that I am manipulative, wherever it has come from, is getting between us and I fear it will damage our relationship. I wouldn't want to be with me if I were him anyway, let alone if I thought I was being manipulated

I hate manipulators and manipulating. It was one if the main objections I had to the group analyst, that I felt she was horribly manipulative. I'm going to have to look back even more carefully over everything I say and do and maybe what I've typed here and find where I'm being manipulative.

I wish I hadn't fallen for the a and e HTT guy saying "I need to hear you say you agree to go into hospital, or I WILL get the social worker in here and they WILL section you" thing.

Anyway, I'm sorry for everything and am about to rederegister. I really feel terrible that I've hurt so many people so much and apologise unreservedly to anyone I've affected.

is really good to hear from you, I hope you stick around

you don't need to feel guilty, people just want you to feel better and get the support and understanding everyone is entitled to xxx

Please stick around enpo I think you are a great poster that just needs help and you are definitely not the worthless person you say you are. Sorry if i've made you feel you can't post am just in a fragile recovery right now.

Enpo, you're not manipulative, you're ill.
Would you consider going back into hospital?

anyway if you were truly manipulative nobody would know what you were up to would they?

hope things are at least no worse

Hi Enpo, please don't leave. I hope things are getting sorted for you.

Thinking of you, enpo, hope you're safe.

Running out of email addresses to reregister with. Am back on mental ward. How is everyone? Sorry for crashing like that. I'm glad MN have deleted the triggering posts.

Hi Enpoid, lovely to see you. I hope you're doing a bit better? You're in the right place, although God knows it sucks.

I'm waiting for a job offer letter that I was promised yesterday. Had hoped it'd come today. If the conditions are manageable, it could be life changing for me.

Also need to find a way to get to see psych on Monday. Don't feel like it.

Hi enpo, good to hear you're safe, have been thinking of you.

I read you've had a difficult day CIQ

Thankyou for thinking of me.

I hope your letter comes tomorrow Infinity. Are you any more sure what's happening with everything else yet?

at last there you are Enpo, it's great to see you x

Morning Mitchy; sorry I didn't reply last night - mobile reception is appalling here. Are you planning a run today?

maybe

how are they treating you in there?

There's a good activity programme and a gym but the dorm is extremely cold and there is an aggressive patient who attacked another patient, who is blind, last night - injured him, broke his stick - and everyone is a bit freaked out.

Also struggling a bit with there being so many people whose prospective behaviour I need to model and predict simultaneously who are also all quite unpredictably different in their behaviour, and finding food I can eat - four carboriffic meals a day plus snacks to keep all the patients fat and happy. Am getting about half my calorie needs from peanut butter

Also everyone's a bit worried they'll be attacked by someone who the police said couldn't be held responsible for his behaviour (fair enough, but shouldn't somebody be able to protect us better than by having a nurse on the opposite side of the room?)

I'm not surprised you're worried, Enpo, that sounds difficult, I remember when I was inpt and a similar thing happened

I do feel a bit sorry for the guy; nobody wants to talk to him and he's very obviously unwell. But still. Scary.

Sorry things aren't great in hospital, to say the least, but I'm glad you're getting some help.