Falling (fallen?) apart

[fluffydressinggown]

I am struggling so much every day.

I have been in hospital for 5 weeks.

I am sectioned.

I am burning myself every day.

I was abused as a child and raped as a teenager and I can't handle it.

God is telling me to kill myself. I get signs and he speaks to me.

I also have a cold/cough and feel physically pretty rough which isn't helping.

I need to die but they won't fucking let me because I am on constant observations because I have tried to hang myself when I am not on them.

I will die. I know that. It is just when. And the waiting is horrific. I need to go. God wants me back.

I am having the most psychiatric help you can possibly have but I am still falling apart and I have no interest in being safe. I don't give a shit about myself any more. I really don't fucking care.

And yes my family and DH love me but it doesn't matter. God wants me back. He tells me he wants me back. I have horrific flashbacks. I feel so very distressed. I cry myself to (my chemically induced) sleep every night. They say I am restless and my sleep is clearly very disturbed.

I feel like shit but can't tell anyone because I am supposed to be better.

Hugs Fluff, I am sorry to hear that you are not feeling that you are makign process in getting better.

Going home on Monday I think

Home.

Mixed feelings but at least I am home. Get discharged on Monday. Phew.

Hi Fluffy I'm a bit of a lurker and sometimes poster so don't know if you remember me. Anyhow I've been IP etc, taken most ADs and experienced the feeling that a voice in my head wanted me to die. I took lithium and it made that voice disappear - it has a long reputation for being able to do that. Maybe if you just took it for a short while to give you a rest even? Just a suggestion because what everyone has been saying is true - you sound like a lovely person and if God wanted you to die he wouldn't have put you here. Here's my bit of the group hug ((((((())))))))) xxxxxxx

Thank you for your kind words.

I am so very tired of all of this.

I am glad to be discharged on Monday but I know I am not managing well. Lots of suicidal plans and self harm plans. I know I am high risk at the moment, I know I am not coping. Hopefully once this section comes off I might feel better? I am just not doing very well.

Hi fluffy I'm worried to hear how you're feeling - do the people in charge of your care know? I know we all hate being IP and a section is particularly painful especially if constant obs but I want you to keep safe

Yes they know. Its my responsibility now. Which I accept.

Spent this afternoon in A&E, I am ok though. Just finding it hard to stay safe, luckily the nurse I saw was lovely and very kind and they didn't make me see the crisis team. Phew.

I feel like shit. But there is nothing. I have lots of support but they are not being supportive.

Oh Fluffy (in your not so fluffy dressing gown). Are you home now?

I am sorry you are still feeling so shit./

When you see your team? Have they not been alerted after this A&E visit? Glad you saw a kind nurse, that must have been a comfort for you.

Yeah I'm at home watching Children in Need.

I was there for physical reasons (sorry if tmi) so I don't think they do alert anyone because I didn't see anyone from MH services after they patched me up.

I haven't yet tuned into Children in Need. I have opted for repeats of 'Friends' as comfort. But my excuse is having spent the day at my children's school sat in a drafty corridor counting up all the pennies from their brilliant fundraising - I need some comfort ( and some cake).

I guess if your injury was not caused by your MH then there would be no need to inform them.

Well you take care of yourself Fluffy and I hope you are feeling a little better.

My injury was caused by my MH but I don't think they will tell them anyway

Good for you for helping out with CinN :) Jealous of cake! Stupid diet!

I shall have to start the diet next week ( and stick to it for more than 1 day). I really don't need cake tonight as I had to 'sample' some of the buns for the bun stall.

Ummm Fluffy on the injury. But I hope you are ok and getting some rest.

I've been referred to an abuse counselling service, won't get seen until after Christmas :(

Been discharged from HTT today.

Feel crappy. Ho hum.

Well that's good and pants all at the same time Fluffy.

Sending you strength to handle the days until you access further help after Christmas. How are you feeling about the sessions?

Sat in a&e waiting for si treatment. I hate myself.

Oh Fluffy. You were so kind and helpful to me yesterday. Hope you get patched up quickly.

Thank you :)

(((( fluffy ))))

Oh sweetheart. I've been there, for that this weekend so know how impressively shit it is, and can imagine how you might feel. Would it help to talk?

I was seen pretty quickly in the end, only 1.5 hours waiting. I am ok. I have been there so many fucking times, it is ridiculous. I am a waste of space. Everyone is angry at me because I am fucking useless.

Move to the midlands. I've never had to wait that long apart from for psych team Would it help to talk about things?