Falling (fallen?) apart

[fluffydressinggown]

I am struggling so much every day.

I have been in hospital for 5 weeks.

I am sectioned.

I am burning myself every day.

I was abused as a child and raped as a teenager and I can't handle it.

God is telling me to kill myself. I get signs and he speaks to me.

I also have a cold/cough and feel physically pretty rough which isn't helping.

I need to die but they won't fucking let me because I am on constant observations because I have tried to hang myself when I am not on them.

I will die. I know that. It is just when. And the waiting is horrific. I need to go. God wants me back.

I am having the most psychiatric help you can possibly have but I am still falling apart and I have no interest in being safe. I don't give a shit about myself any more. I really don't fucking care.

And yes my family and DH love me but it doesn't matter. God wants me back. He tells me he wants me back. I have horrific flashbacks. I feel so very distressed. I cry myself to (my chemically induced) sleep every night. They say I am restless and my sleep is clearly very disturbed.

Fluffy you know my thoughts on this. I love you, you're great! You have a lot to give, not yet, not now my sweet. I am saying this publicly rather than via email because I feel that there are others on here who feel this about you too. Can we do a very unmumsnetty group hug for Fluffy xx

(Fuffy). Sweetheart, have you told them how you 'hear' God and how you know he wants you back? Is it inside or outside your head- a voice or a feeling, do you see him, or just know he is there? What do you feel when he is there? Don't tell us on here- but tell them. I think they need to know everything that is going on for you and how, so they can help you to feel a bit better than you do now. xx

I hear God like I would hear a voice on the radio, he has a low British voice. I hear him outside of my head, I know it is not a voice in my head.

Really wheezy today which isn't helping.

Well i am certainly up for a group hug, what with your wheeziness and my sinusy ringy ears!!! ouch :(

hope you feel better soon

How is it going this afternoon, I am hanging on in there having just told one of my near and dear relatives about my situation. I was brave and fessed up. He was so very kind.

See I need your good advice!

Hope things are ok and you are feeling safe(ish) xx

Still not very safe, more burning.

Feel very low and alone and distressed.

Hate myself.

This is triggering,

In the past 10 years I have taken 9 overdoses, been to A&E over 50 times for stitches for self harm, attempted suicide over 40 times.

I need this shit to be over I am not meant to be here.

If you weren't meant to be here after all that then you would be dead by now. But you are not. You are a lovely caring person and the world is better with you in it.

Had another bad night, finding things still hard. They also think I have a chest infection so feel shite.

Blah.

How are you doing fluffy ? Xxx

Not very well, still on constants, still self harming, feeling very low.

and .

Thank you :)

Still on constants but got leave with my husband as long as he watches me all of the time. Going home tonight for a bit.

((( fluffy ))) really hope you have a peaceful night with your DH xxx

Your wee cat will be so pleased to you . x

Wonderful to have some time away from the ward and some time alone with your DH. Hope it helps you relax a bit.

I hope your leave goes well, fluffy

Enjoy. Pizza Hut is done and dusted here. Need a cat photo xx

At home with DH and the cat. Will try and get a photo but she is all snuggled up right now.

Feeling very nervous and sad but nice to be here and not on the unit.

Hope you have some nice cat snuggles.

That's really good news Fluffy you need time out of hospital - hope you have a peaceful weekend

I am being discharged in three weeks they think.

Still pretty suicidal and dealing with the fall out of some pretty big stuff which I can't live with. Feel very distressed. Still on constants when on the unit.

Sorry things are so bad-you don't know me but I remember your earlier threads.

I read somewhere that suicidal thoughts happen when your mind just can't see any other way out from a situation. It doesn't mean you want to die necessarily, just that you want the bad feelings to end and can't see any other way for that to happen than death, But there are other ways out and other people can help-you just can't see that in the middle of a bad time. I try and hold onto that thought when things are bad for me.

Wishing you well.

Thank you :)

I know I want to die. It is not just because I am distressed.

Anyhew I won't make this a suicide thread ;)