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Original poster

Falling (fallen?) apart

99 replies

fluffydressinggown · 18/10/2014 21:42

I am struggling so much every day.

I have been in hospital for 5 weeks.

I am sectioned.

I am burning myself every day.

I was abused as a child and raped as a teenager and I can't handle it.

God is telling me to kill myself. I get signs and he speaks to me.

I also have a cold/cough and feel physically pretty rough which isn't helping.

I need to die but they won't fucking let me because I am on constant observations because I have tried to hang myself when I am not on them.

I will die. I know that. It is just when. And the waiting is horrific. I need to go. God wants me back.

I am having the most psychiatric help you can possibly have but I am still falling apart and I have no interest in being safe. I don't give a shit about myself any more. I really don't fucking care.

And yes my family and DH love me but it doesn't matter. God wants me back. He tells me he wants me back. I have horrific flashbacks. I feel so very distressed. I cry myself to (my chemically induced) sleep every night. They say I am restless and my sleep is clearly very disturbed.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 25/10/2014 19:05

Took aripriprazole today.

OP posts:
ScreamerMaanAndGoryOn · 25/10/2014 19:21

Was that the anti-p you were on before?

I hope it helps. Is this the psych changing their minds again?

Pancakeflipper · 25/10/2014 19:24

Oh Fluffy - I was thinking of you the other day.

I am sorry you are going through this hell.

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 25/10/2014 19:25

Yes it was.

Yes it is.

I want to SI and then die :( Booo.

Watching Strictly at home, feel v.fragile.

OP posts:
Bassetfeet · 25/10/2014 19:40

thinking of you often Fluffy hope that being at home with DH and the cat soothes a little bit . I understand fragile .Flowers

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 25/10/2014 21:15

I am sat here thinking of ways to die. I need to go. So tired. I am done with this shit. Done.

Fucking hate this.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 25/10/2014 22:56

Glad you're at home for a little while. And I think it's good you've taken your meds. Have you voted for anyone on Strictly? At the risk of being facetious, at least stay and find out who wins.

Tallypet · 25/10/2014 23:36

fluffy I feel the same way nearly every day. I think I'm not good enough. I'm fat and ugly. It takes every ounce of me to stay 'normal' and alive. My DS needs me. But if it weren't for him I'd not be here. My demons come back daily to haunt me and w need to remind myself that it was never me. It was them. I think you're going through what I did

Please be strong. Pm if you want me to talk with you xx

Pancakeflipper · 26/10/2014 13:52

How are you today Fluffy? Are you still at home with DH?

Hoping you are ok today (hugs)

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 26/10/2014 15:59

I am at hospital at the moment, been out this morning with DH (don't have overnight leave and DH has work to do this afternoon).

So tired at the moment, blah.

Feel very low today.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 27/10/2014 21:51

Hi fluffy - hope things are not too bad. Sorry to see Tom go from Strictly, I guess the viewing public want to see what Scott and Judy do on Halloween.

Are you managing to sleep?

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 28/10/2014 15:37

Thanks :) I was also surprised he went.

I am now off constant observations (thank God) which is a huge relief. Seeing my DBT lady soon.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 28/10/2014 18:27

Good news that you are off constant obs.

How are you feeling? Hope you are feeling better than this weekend. Take care (and have those colouring books come out yet?)

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 29/10/2014 21:02

I tried to kill myself today.

Blahhhhhhhh.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 29/10/2014 21:12

I am so sad to hear that Fluffy. Sad that you are still feeling you should end your life. Oh it must be so hard for you at the moment.

Are you back on constant obs?

Hope you are ok and not hurt.

TheSilveryPussycat · 29/10/2014 22:28

Sad I don't know what to say - if only there were words to help... I'm relieved your attempt failed, surely God would not wish the aftermath of your death on your DH or the nursing staff. (You know I also think He would not wish you to die at all)

magicgirl74 · 29/10/2014 22:50

Fluffy I wish I could talk to you face to face as this time last year I was in the depths of despair and couldn't see a way out other than ending it all.The one thing that stopped me was my overwhelming love for my young son (he is my whole world)and the thought of leaving him behind and destroying his life and also how my parents would feel as I would be absolutely devastated if anything happened to my son.so however bad it got I held onto those thoughts and just tried to crawl through each day and I also ended up In a physiatric hospital and I don't always think they are the best places to get better but little by little I did get better although it has taken me the best part of a year but please believe me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and if you do leave you will cause so much pain for those you leave behind who love you.Take each day as it comes and get plenty of rest and I know how difficult that is and try to eat little and often I know you probably have know appetite but you need food and try to get out into the fresh air ans listen to the birds in the trees and the autumnal colours be kind to yourself and let others help you and dig deep and find the courage to carry on I know it must be in there somewhere and please trust me you WILL get better ((((hugs)))) xxx

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 30/10/2014 11:27

Had a sleep in and feel a bit brighter today. Thanks for your kind words.

OP posts:
windchimes23 · 30/10/2014 12:09

Hope you are ok, a lie in is good. Have emailed you xx

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 31/10/2014 01:58

Tonight i feel clearer about things, God has been sendin me messages and I have been so sad about dying but really I musn;t be because it is his path for me.

OP posts:
LoveBeingGetAGrip · 31/10/2014 03:04

It is the path of the voice talking to you fluffy but that is not God. He would not want you to join Him like this or to leave your family.

Have you told them that he is talking to you ?

Hope you are getting some rest now.

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 01/11/2014 20:35

I don;t know what I can say on here anymore.

Things are not going brilliantly (although I am sat at home at the moment which is a plus). Finding it hard to stay safe. I need to get myself discharged I think. Hopefully soon. Soon.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2014 20:43

Well it is always good to hear from you Fluffy. I guess things must as ok as they can be if they have allowed you go and sit on your own sofa?
Are you allowed to stay home tonight and go back tomorrow?

Has DH made you both something to eat? He must be glad to see you home.

Because of your username I always envisage you slouching around in various fluffy dressing gowns. Bet you are a real cool dresser in real life and only own chic dressing gowns!

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 01/11/2014 23:47

Just home for evenings for now not overnight. We shall see.

He did cook pasta pesto and mozzarella and salad was lovely.

I don't really wear a dressing gotten I do have a big fluffy one (it was next to me when I was trying to think of a username! ) but I rarely wear it. I live in dresses, tights and boots!

OP posts:
dontrunwithscissors · 02/11/2014 09:25

FDG, just popped on to say I'm glad you're getting a break from the ward. I, too, am a dress, tights, and boots gal. (I've just ordered some new dresses from Monsoon.). Summer makes life hard work when you can't just cover up in tights and knee high boots.