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Original poster

I'm really struggling

80 replies

Reallystrugglinginside · 12/07/2014 19:51

I'm so down. I finding each day harder and harder to fight. I'm exhausted, I'm tired of the struggle, or putting one foot in front of the other.

I am so messed up in my head, I get so confused by my thoughts, they go round and round and get jumbled up. I find myself going through the day and detaching from everything around me. My family deserve so much more than what I can give them.

I keep having suicidal thoughts and SH urges. I need some release. I'm hurting so much. I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Pare · 12/07/2014 20:18

Hi there.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid, because I am struggling too. Posting on here has helped me immensely. Can you contact the crisis team in your area?

I'm listening.

NanaNina · 12/07/2014 22:29

Me too struggling but can you tell us a bit more about your mental health - are you on meds.......suicidal thoughts have been much on my mind all week - I think they are a symptom of depression. It's a bloody torment.

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 06:32

I saw your thread Pare. You seem really strong. I'm sorry your going through everything.

I have BPD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Disacosiative amnesia and have made suicide attempts and used to SH.

I'm on Mirtazapine, Citalopram and Diazepam as and when.

I've mainly been ok. Just recently i've felt really bad.

OP posts:
Pare · 13/07/2014 07:33

Anything happened that could explain why you are struggling now or has it just happened?

Can you contact someone from the MH team and tell them how bad it has got?

PollyCazaletWannabe · 13/07/2014 07:38

Holding your hand here Thanks

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 08:51

My last "crisis" was Jan.

I don't have anyone from the mental health team anymore, except a link worker but he's as much use as a chocolate teapot. Doesn't help that he's male either.

Nothing triggered it as such, I've just been feeling worse and worse. I feel like I shouldn't be given space on earth. Im just not worthwhile.

OP posts:
Pare · 13/07/2014 09:00

I feel similar, I'm being told to ride it out and eventually it will feel better.

Can you self refer to the crisis team? Or go and see your GP?

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 09:04

I feel like my whole life has been riding it out and waiting for it to get better. I'm tired, I'm so tired of struggling to keep putting one foot infront of the other.

I don't think I can self refer to the Crisis team. And I don't get on with the GP's at my surgery.

I just want to self harm, the urges are so strong. I know it will help.

OP posts:
Pare · 13/07/2014 09:17

Can you contact the Samaritans?

Could you try distracting?

I'm sorry I can't be more use.

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 09:27

I don't want to tell my husband how I'm feeling. He will make it worse. I would phone the Samaritans, but I won't know what to say. I would just be wasting their time. If I said I was going to phone them i'd get scoffed at.

Thankyou for being there, I know your going through your own struggle.

OP posts:
Pare · 13/07/2014 09:31

You can email them if you don't want to phone. I think you need some sort of support, maybe your meds need adjusting.

I'm listening, wish I could be of more help.

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 09:45

My old care worker said I need long term support but I can't have it because of budget cuts. You either have 6 sessions with the care worker, or be an inpatient. I'm just not worth it to them.

I will email them. Thank you

I should be happy right? I've got a family, and a nice house. But i just feel empty.

OP posts:
Pare · 13/07/2014 10:02

You could try contacting MIND, they were useful helping to advocate for my sister.

I've not been happy in years, right now I'd settle for not in the pit of despair.

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 10:06

Oh ok, I didnt know they do that.

Pit of dispair sounds about right. I have such strong urges. How are you today?

OP posts:
Pare · 13/07/2014 10:13

So far so good today. Having a coffee with the cat sat on me purring.

Snapping an elastic band against my wrist can help with the urges sometimes.

Don't give up on yourself. There is something out there that will help eventually, you just have to wade through treacle to get there.

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 11:01

Oh good, I'm glad. We have 2 cats. We've been up to A&E with the little one and had a McDonalds breakfast.

Its just everything about the cutting i want so much.

Wading through treacle sounds about right. It feel like its turning to hard toffe and im stuck. Im just stuck.

OP posts:
Pare · 13/07/2014 11:06

Hope everything is okay with your little one.

Can you try to see a more sympathetic GP or change GPs? Mine is nice so it is easier to take the first step for me, but I then have trouble letting people 'interfere' as I see it. I'm constantly terrified they'll put me in hospital if I tell the truth.

bluebell345 · 13/07/2014 11:16

Maybe your ad's need adjustment or change, Reallystrugglinginside.
when I took citalopram, at beginning it relaxed me, I think it helped with my anxiety, but later on I noticed it didn't help my depression at all. I felt so tired, exhausted as well, I stopped taking it.

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 11:19

She's fine thank you.

The 3 GP's are all pretty crap. All males. The next nearest one is all males too.

I know what you mean. Last time I reached out in Jan, social services were involved. The case was closed after the first assessment. But it really has put me off getting help.

OP posts:
Pare · 13/07/2014 11:27

You do need some help though, so you are going to need to speak to someone. Is there someone that you trust who can go with you to stick up for you?

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 11:41

X posted with Bluebell. I had them adjusted in Jan, the Mirtazapine and Citalopram were working well. Im so tired.

I don't even know if I can self refer to the crisis team.

OP posts:
Pare · 13/07/2014 11:44

Google crisis team and your area, you should find details.

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 12:45

I have. I need to get someone to refer me.

Everything seems so pointless. I don't know why I bother

OP posts:
Pare · 13/07/2014 15:08

Could you try to see someone at OOH if you don't want to see your GP? Or go to A & E and tell them you are having suicidal thoughts.

Original poster
Reallystrugglinginside · 13/07/2014 15:47

I had to phone 111 already today for OOH's for my daughter, I don't want to be a burden to them again. I don't want people digging and then have social services involved. That would break me.

A&E is pretty useless. I don't want to cart the family everywhere just for me. I don't drive so my DH would have to drive us all.

I'm scared of getting help, I'm scared of not getting help. I know if I do get help I will just be brushed aside again, and that hurts so much to know I'm not worthy of help. When I'm so far down and no one wants to help. I also know that when I take my own life, I can't make a mistake and fail. Failing would be worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want the pain to stop.

Have got a reply from The Samaritans.

OP posts: