Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Need to rant about stupid things...

50 replies

koshka1984 · 06/09/2006 23:10

Oh god where to start...
I have a 2 month old baby and he is lovely.

My DP and I split up around this time last yaer when he was sleeping with mt close friend, he told me he was just 'talking' and stuff (we all wroked together) he dumped me to be with her and after a while we got back together, i got PG by mistake and he was really happy and we got back together properly.

We had to move out of our house, as i could not afford the rent bills etc on my own and DP does not have a very well paid job so we now live with my mum.

He works nights and on his nights off he sometimes goes out, but he says i cant go with him, beacuse he will bw at work and might end up working. He never gets home before 4am 6 mostly when he goes out.

At work i am supposed to be going back but they have reassigned the hours i could actually work as DPs hours are all over the place.

But anyway. If i ever get some sleep all i do is have nightmares that my DP is going to leave me (the ones about my LO being hurt have stopped mostly thankfully).

He texts his ex and has phone calls he does not answer when im around.
I know i should trust him but i feel so low and scared and alone at the moment.
I just wish i could talk to someone, but all of my friends i met through DP, they are all younger than me (im 21), like 18 and none of them have children or even want them.
I just need some help and i really dont know what to do. All i do is want to cry and i cry in the shower so no-one knows.

Thanks if you have managed to get to the end of this. Thanks for listening (or reading!)

OP posts:

mellowma · 12/09/2006 12:48

Message withdrawn

nixnoo · 12/09/2006 12:53

koshka, {{{hugs}}}}
you really dont deserve to be treated this way.
You have just been through the most overwhelming life experience and now you have someone playing with your emotions.

He is being really mean and manipulative blaming you for his behaviour. You have NOT done anything wrong, and to be honest, even if you were "being arsey" it sounds like you have every reason to be.

I know you can't imagine your life without him now (I have been there) - but I promise that if you do seperate from him you will be better off with time.

He is showing you no support whatsoever, I really feel for you. I cant believe this girl is texting him knowing he has just had a child too.

I am always weary to give advice as I would hate to give the wrong advice but it sounds like he needs a kick up the bum. Maybe try being completely honest with him about how you feel, and tell him he needs to stop being in contact with her and spend time with his family. Tell him you understand that he needs to speak to friends but speaking to her is not fair on you.

If he cant see how his actions are hurting you, frankly he is not deserving of you. You are being a brilliant mum, focus on that.

look after yourself, honey.... try get your gp to sign you off work, you need to rest
x

nixnoo · 12/09/2006 12:56

sorry, I meant to say: tell him how u feel and if he doesn't make the effort, get him to leave ie:an ultimatum

good luck
x

usandbump · 12/09/2006 16:25

{{{hugs}}}

Koshka you need to do something about the way you are feeling honey, hiding it away from your mum is a bad idea. Having a baby is a very hard thing in itself so its no wonder you are feeling so terrible with the problems with your dp too. Most people would feel exactly the same in your position. Talk to your mum now and tell her EVERYTHING you have told us or let her read this thread if you won't talk to her you must go to your GP. It's not you being paranoid or clingy your dp is in the wrong so stop doubting yourself.
What about asking him to move out for a bit to give you both some space? Its much easier to think when you have some space but for what its worth I think you will be much better off without him.
But the next step really is to tell someone how you are feeling, you are not alone lots of women feel this way and your GP won't be shocked. Please post on here or on our ante-natal thread and let us all know how you are xxxx

kayzed · 12/09/2006 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FirstAtForty · 12/09/2006 19:50

Koshka, all the advice here sounds really good to me (take it from an old bird ). And don't feel silly for talking to 'virtual' friends - support is support wherever it comes from (and we are real people ). You are doing absolutely the right (and responsible) thing by getting support when you need it. Do talk to your GP or HV and your mum too. Good luck hun xxxxx

Original poster

koshka1984 · 12/09/2006 23:28

thanks all of you for your support.

im not going to ask him to leave, as he doesnt have anywhere to go, and i really do not want to push him into the arms of this girl.

got an appointment with the doctor tomorrow so will see.

ps told my mum but she said she didnt know what to do. and then did not mention it again. she has her own problems though so i cant really push her.

OP posts:

Cassoulet · 12/09/2006 23:40

What a jerk. If he was a man he would face up to his responsibilities - you and his child - and recognise that it is his behaviour towards you that is responsible for your 'moods'. Yes, it is an excuse. The father of a newborn can make or break the joy of the birth. This git is behaving atrociously.

You won't kick him out because he's got nowhere to go - not your problem. You don't want to push him into the arms of this girl - she deserves him, you don't! (And she probably won't want him for long anyway.) He is utterly immature. Don't let him get away with it.

Cassoulet · 12/09/2006 23:41

Sorry, touched a nerve! Anger directed at him, not you.

Original poster

koshka1984 · 12/09/2006 23:45

thanks - i understand.

OP posts:

maewest · 13/09/2006 09:50

Hope you're doing ok this morning Koshka - just echoing what others have said: you are a great mum and don't be afraid to ask for support. It is normal for partners to sometimes feel excluded when a baby comes, but it is NOT normal for them to run off with someone else - this is his immaturity and not your fault. You've just been through a life changing event, and also are getting very little sleep (which always makes things feel worse).

Take care of yourself hun xx

nixnoo · 13/09/2006 10:04

Koshka, you are doing great with talking about it.
Hope you are OK...
x

usandbump · 13/09/2006 19:30

How did it go with the GP? x

Original poster

koshka1984 · 14/09/2006 11:39

he said im lucky that im not living in a squalid B&B on my own.
which is true, but that makes me feel even more guilty about the way i feel. i know there are plenty worse off than me but that makes me feel guilty not beter.

he went out again last night and he said hed be an hour, but he came back at 3.30am.
Jake was not too well so i called him twice, but he didnt answer, so i didnt bother calling him again. good thing it wasnt serious, eh?

hes been kinder to me recently and he apologiesd for texting the girl all night. but there seems to be no closeness any more. thats what i miss, cos we were each other for a while and even when jake was born it was like that.

now he just looks at pregnant porn and doesnt even want to hug me

OP posts:

Original poster

koshka1984 · 14/09/2006 11:39

the fierst he was the doctor, the second DP

OP posts:

wantbitty · 14/09/2006 12:02

hi koshka, I had a baby at 18. my dp kept going out all weekend, had his mates round evenings, I did everything in the house. He worked random days. We lived on my maternity pay, never saw his money.Then he went to work in Germany to make some money. At first I hated it. But I got used to it and by the time he came home for good I was sending him back out the door again!! I realised I could do it better on my own and never looked back. Living with the unknown is terrifying. Hes got you in a state of nervous tension 24/7. Thats not healthy, you would be better off on your own. That amy sound harsh but its for your own sanity. I was on my own for 4 years. (well had dates in that time!!). Then I met my dh and we now have a 2 yo dd so it is possible. you are very young, theres so much more out there for you yet. Dont settle for less. xx

nearlythree · 14/09/2006 21:23

koshka, only just saw this. He looks at what? Really, sweetheart, you can do better than this idiot. You have a supportive family and don't need him, not unless he is prepared to grow up and be a man which I doubt.

Think about it. You have just had a baby. That is pretty amazing. You love your ds, care for him, look after him. You are the person he loves more than anyone. How awesome is that? You are this precious boy's mummy and for that reason you deserve the best. You should be the queen of your dp's world and because you aren't he doesn't deserve a minute of your love or pity. Kick him out.

nearlythree · 14/09/2006 21:24

Sorry, so angry. Kick him out if that is what you want, but don't let him make you unhappy for a moment longer.

nearlythree · 14/09/2006 21:25

Sorry again, are you saying that your gp said you were lucky you weren't in a b&b?????

Original poster

koshka1984 · 15/09/2006 15:28

yeah the GP said i was lucky!

My DP has finally comeclean and said he is not sure if he wants to be with me!
Feel a bit better now hes finally been honest. But heartbroken.

OP posts:

Cassoulet · 15/09/2006 18:29

at doctor

So sorry your guy's said that and at your heartbreak. {{hug}}

nearlythree · 15/09/2006 21:10

koshka, your gp is sadly ignorant about pnd. Did you know both Gail Porter (pre-hair loss) and Melinda Messenger had pnd? And I think Zoe Ball has spoken about feeling very low too. Pnd knows no financial or social boundaries, it can affect anyone. I'm trying to think if there is a pnd helpline. In the meantime, did the horrible man sign you off? What about your hv, is she supportive? Is there a different gp you can see?

I am so sorry about your heartbreak. Coming so soon after ds, it's just not fair. But don't let yourself be dragged down by your p, he is no man at all to treat you like this - presumably because he is 'not sure' he is trying to decide which is the easiest option for him. It will be hard for you but you can and will be fine without him. He would be setting your ds no example at all as he gets older. Enjoy your little man, I have a 4 mo son myself and I know how there is nothing better in the world than snuggling up with them.

Remember, this wil pass. You will come through it.

Is there Homestart in your area?

Original poster

koshka1984 · 16/09/2006 12:18

im not sure about homestart, but my HV was really sweet yeaterday, and she has told me about a young female doctor who specialises in pnd etc.
also i am going to a young mothers group on monday and she is referring me to a mothers in need of support froup, which has practical help and councelling and stuff too.

thanks for your support, have been looking into separating our stuff/money so i am deciding for him really. i want to be prepared when he actually leaves me cos i know hw will. im very sad and i just cant get over it so i know i need help!

but thanks to all your kind words of support i feel a hundred times more better than i would have done if i didnt have mumsnet!
thanks x

OP posts:

nearlythree · 16/09/2006 21:00

Glad that you are getting more support, koshka. The group with the counselling sounds great, I have been waiting 11 weeks to see a counsellor through my hv (I don't have pnd but have anxiety due to our kids being ill - fortunately they are fine now but I can't get my head straight) - hopefully you won't have to wait.

If you feel that you are certain your p will leave you then why not take the initiative and break it off now? I know it will break your heart but at least it will put you back in control of the situation.

sunita123 · 18/09/2006 16:00

I finally managed to catch up on your thread Koshka - You have really had a tough time!!!

I hope you're feeling much better.
Remember your the important one at the moment. Your partner isn't worth the time of day TBH.
What really matters is your LO. Another thing I've heard is that Babies can pick up vibes of what is going on in the household. So if your partner is making you stressed, Jake will pick up on it and he will play up, making you more stressed.....He'll pick up on yet more stress and make you more stressed....etc, it's a downward spiral. So chin up girl you can get through this!!!

Flip

1 2