This is so self indulgent, I'm sorry in advance.
I had a thread on here a while ago about paranoia, about being worried that I was being watched and people were filming me. I've searched everywhere in my home and come up with nothing but I still feel like it's happening. Can't get rid of it. Can't shift how horribly paranoid and skin-crawly I feel.
I've had anxiety for years, and it's building up at the minute so I'm constantly anxious and can't focus on anything. Feel like I can't breathe for a lot of the time. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts about overdosing, I can't stop thinking about it. It feels inevitable. I've overdosed in the past but this feels different, can't really put my finger on why but it's more external.
I see some MH professionals but I don't trust them, there's definitely no way I could tell them about how I really feel, how much I'm self harming and how I have to keep doing it worse and worse, the suicidal thoughts. I just see them about my anxiety and about getting outside, but I can't vocalise the general anxiety I have, it's so wide-reaching that there's just no way I can talk about it, all my worries about health/contamination are so strong and I can't work out how to exist around them.
I can't phone anyone because of the anxiety, don't have any friends, and no family that I'm close to. So I need to fix this on my own, but I keep going deeper and deeper, and I can't find a way out. Does it get better? What do I need to be doing to make this stop? All I can hear is a voice berating me for not taking an overdose and I can't seem to do anything about it.
Sorry and thank you if anyone reads this.