Suicide & Intrusive thoughts

[littlegingercat]

This is so self indulgent, I'm sorry in advance.

I had a thread on here a while ago about paranoia, about being worried that I was being watched and people were filming me. I've searched everywhere in my home and come up with nothing but I still feel like it's happening. Can't get rid of it. Can't shift how horribly paranoid and skin-crawly I feel.

I've had anxiety for years, and it's building up at the minute so I'm constantly anxious and can't focus on anything. Feel like I can't breathe for a lot of the time. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts about overdosing, I can't stop thinking about it. It feels inevitable. I've overdosed in the past but this feels different, can't really put my finger on why but it's more external.

I see some MH professionals but I don't trust them, there's definitely no way I could tell them about how I really feel, how much I'm self harming and how I have to keep doing it worse and worse, the suicidal thoughts. I just see them about my anxiety and about getting outside, but I can't vocalise the general anxiety I have, it's so wide-reaching that there's just no way I can talk about it, all my worries about health/contamination are so strong and I can't work out how to exist around them.

I can't phone anyone because of the anxiety, don't have any friends, and no family that I'm close to. So I need to fix this on my own, but I keep going deeper and deeper, and I can't find a way out. Does it get better? What do I need to be doing to make this stop? All I can hear is a voice berating me for not taking an overdose and I can't seem to do anything about it.

Sorry and thank you if anyone reads this.

Thank you.

I never think of anything I've done as being an achievement. It's all just stuff that everyone else does without thinking about it. The support worker tries to do the whole praise/positive reinforcement thing and it makes my skin crawl. It's patronising and fake and just makes me so uncomfortable. Stupid, isn't it?

Well you're clearly very articulate, thoughtful and polite , not everyone manages that!

Please, I don't deserve anyone saying nice things about me. I am literally nothing. You're very kind but please don't. I can't cope with the guilt right now if people say nice things.

I just want out. I wish I wasn't so weak and useless. The crux is that I wish I was someone else. I have no idea how to do that though, I try and I just end up being me again. I can't do it anymore.

What would you like to be like?
Can you break it down into specific things and try one? What is it they say, "fake it til you make it"? (you don't have to respond here of course!)
I know a few things I should change... I half-read a book on mindful mediation a while ago and want to give it a proper try but haven't done so yet. My concentration is shocking. Possibly because I am still awake now!

In an ideal world, I'd like to be successful, confident, clever and happy. In this world, I really just want to be dead. I've had enough of it all.

"Fake it until you make it" is so hard. I've tried it so, so many times. Doesn't work when you're fundamentally worthless. You can pretend all you like, but it doesn't change reality.

I've tried meditation but not been able to do it. Hopefully you'll have more success with it than I have. I think it's the sort of thing you need to properly understand before you try doing it.

Thank you for replying again. I've been trying all day to think how to post and nothing sounded ok. Sorry for being so rude and stupid.

You really arent worthless my dear, no one is. You are at the very least articulate and bright, thats not flattery, its a fact. But you do need help, and more help than any of us can give you. You need to find a way to be honest with your doctor, they can help you, that is what they are for. You are just as ill as someone with a physical illness, and need and deserve help and treatment just the same.

I know I have to be honest with the GP when I see her. Scared that she'll say there's nothing else she can do. She hinted at that the last time I saw her. Realistically, I know there is only so much a GP can do. She can't magically make me like myself, or make me want to be alive, or make me stop being anxious. There's a very good chance that this is the best it will ever get and that is the most depressing thought I've ever had. Only really got one way out.

I know I've gone on too much. I'm sorry. I don't have anyone else to talk to, or anywhere I feel safe. But I know that my maudlin ramblings are too much to expect anyone else to bear, and I'm annoying and OTT and melodramatic. Thank you all so much for listening and being so kind.

Your GP is only part of a team though- she is the gatekeeper to specialists who have a much better understanding of mental health and treatment options. Please keep trying. I think that being honest with your GP would help a lot. I'm sure she has heard it all from many people, and if not, she can refer you to someone with the right experience. I can understand feeling like you must downplay your symptoms, maybe it's because of the anxiety you have, but I hope you are able to open up a little.

It sounds like you don't have much support at the moment. It's there not a community psychiatric team that should keep in touch with you? I know these things vary by area.

Anyway, take care.

I'm already under the community mental health team, that's where the support worker comes from. There isn't really anywhere else the GP can refer me to, it needs to be done by the CMHT. It'd be a lot easier if I could trust them. Can't really see the point in any of it today. I'm sick of waking up every day.

Thank you for replying again.

Hello, I'm just thinking here, I hope you don't feel like you have to explain things, but you don't seem to be getting much support from the support worker. I would hope that your GP can refer you to a psychiatrist, psychologist or someone who can offer some treatment.

Take care.

I think it has to go through the CMHT, if she made a referral it would go to them. I've seen psychiatrists before, though only ever as an assessment-type thing. Had a few appointments with a psychologist but because I'm so utterly useless at talking about anything personal (especially with men), he stopped the sessions. I doubt I'll have the opportunity again, the NHS is not limitless.

I wouldn't blame them if they'd given up on me to be honest. I think I've given up on myself.

Thank you again. Sorry for still posting and going on. Don't feel like you're obligated to talk to me, please. I know I'm just going round in self-pitying circles.

Hello, I hope things go well tomorrow.
Take care

Didn't go very well.
Thank you for thinking of me though.

I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope your trip hasn't made you feel more anxious.

I'm always more anxious when I've been out, but I'm used to that now. I know to expect it.
I had hoped it would go a bit better (though I don't know quite what I thought would happen), but it's done now, so at least I can stop worrying about it.
Thank you for replying again.

I'm just going to ramble a little bit, I hope that's ok. I don't have anywhere else to express this, and just writing it down doesn't feel like it works. Trust me, I know how annoying I am, and I've used up all the kindness people have to give, so I don't expect anything.

So what DO you do when you've tried and nothing comes of it? I saw the GP. I hung on desperately, pathetically, to see the GP and she told me she could do nothing for me. Apparently, all they can do is prescribe a limited amount of medication, and refer to the CMHT. I already have the medication, and I'm under the CMHT.

Everyone wants me to kill myself. It's easier for everyone that I do. I want it too. I've tried. I've tried so fucking hard and I keep waking up, like some kind of sick joke. So I change tack; I do what I'm supposed to do; I ask for help, and nothing changes. I am never going to amount to anything, I've completely wasted my life, so why can't I just die?

What am I supposed to do now? I can't be me anymore, but I've tried to be someone else and I can't keep it up. Nothing is ever going to get any better. I want out so desperately.

I hope you can find a way to open up to someone who can help.

Take care.

Oh you poor dear! Your doctor sounds rubbish, there is always something else to try! Is there another doc you could see? No one wants you to commit suicide, why on earth would they?

Thank you both for reading that self-pitying nonsense.

I told the GP as much as I possibly could. Took notes with me and everything. She's lovely and easy to talk to, and probably the only person I even half-way trust. She's limited as to what she can do though, I've already been referred to the place she'd refer me to.
There aren't any other doctors at the practise that I could see.

It would genuinely be easier for everyone if I was dead. I am a burden and I take up too much time. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. Someone else could make better use of the offerings of the CMHT, one less patient for an overworked GP's surgery, less money taken from the government, an empty home for someone else to live in. I'm just a drain on resources.

I'm so scared of dying, so why do I so desperately want to be dead? It doesn't make any sense. Sorry for going on so much.

This is so sad. The CMHT are there to provide a service, you need the service, yet they aren't helping you. You're clearly an intelligent, thoughtful person with lots of potential. But even if you weren't, you still deserve the service.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down and limited in your day to day activities. All I can suggest is via GP and/or support worker you push to have a psychiatrist review you again re:meds and support, and try and be honest about your fears re:meds. There are some good books available re:amazon/kindle etc re:OCD and intrusive thoughts, such as Imp of the Mind by Lee Baer, which might be helpful even if you don't have OCD as a diagnosis.

Thank you both very much for replying.

I'll have a look on amazon for that book, thank you for the recommendation. I'm struggling to read at the minute but it can't hurt to try.

I'm reluctant to see another psychiatrist after past experiences. I've been told that I don't need to see one, too. I get medication from my GP, not the CMHT and I don't think they want to change that.

It's not the CMHT's fault that they're not helping. I think they're doing the best they can. I'm just so utterly out of hope and I can't keep on trying. Sorry for being so useless and repetitive.

Are their any other local organisations that could help? Maybe a non-profit organisation could offer some support.

I feel that an advocate could be useful to you. I know it can be frustrating when trying to navigate what's available where. Just a thought.

Take care

I don't know of any non-profit organisations. I know the national ones, like Mind, but they are so busy doing so many important things.

I don't really know what an advocate does. With the potential spies, I couldn't really be honest with someone else. I don't know. I think I've gone past the point of caring and that scares me.

I just really wish that I wouldn't wake up tomorrow. Well, later on today.

Thank you again. You're very kind, to spend so much time talking to me.

Thanks to those who brought this thread to our attention.

Hi littlegingercat - we're sorry to hear you're going through a tough time at the moment. We'd like to echo the advice you've gotten here and suggest that you keep trying to find help in real life. There may be some useful information in our mental health webguide

Best wishes