Suicide & Intrusive thoughts

[littlegingercat]

This is so self indulgent, I'm sorry in advance.

I had a thread on here a while ago about paranoia, about being worried that I was being watched and people were filming me. I've searched everywhere in my home and come up with nothing but I still feel like it's happening. Can't get rid of it. Can't shift how horribly paranoid and skin-crawly I feel.

I've had anxiety for years, and it's building up at the minute so I'm constantly anxious and can't focus on anything. Feel like I can't breathe for a lot of the time. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts about overdosing, I can't stop thinking about it. It feels inevitable. I've overdosed in the past but this feels different, can't really put my finger on why but it's more external.

I see some MH professionals but I don't trust them, there's definitely no way I could tell them about how I really feel, how much I'm self harming and how I have to keep doing it worse and worse, the suicidal thoughts. I just see them about my anxiety and about getting outside, but I can't vocalise the general anxiety I have, it's so wide-reaching that there's just no way I can talk about it, all my worries about health/contamination are so strong and I can't work out how to exist around them.

I can't phone anyone because of the anxiety, don't have any friends, and no family that I'm close to. So I need to fix this on my own, but I keep going deeper and deeper, and I can't find a way out. Does it get better? What do I need to be doing to make this stop? All I can hear is a voice berating me for not taking an overdose and I can't seem to do anything about it.

Sorry and thank you if anyone reads this.

I can't remember when I first started on these ADs. It's been a while though, months not weeks so I'm definitely past the breaking in period. They've never really made much difference to how I feel.
The newer medication is only a couple of months old, started it because of the extra anxiety and the paranoid thoughts I'd started having. Maybe I should have given it more time. It took me a while to start it because of the side effects listed, and now I'm too paranoid to re-start.

Thank you for replying.

If you're into months on a specific ad and it's not helping then they must try a different one. I understand being scared of side effects. I've been on many different meds, had very unpleasant side effects and withdrawal symptoms, and research any medication I'm prescribed in detail before I drink it. But you know what? At some point I had to decide to trust my doctor because I couldn't make it on my own. I had to accept that every medication I take is in effect an experiment, and I have to live with that experiment for several weeks before knowing how it will turn out in the end. Some meds work for me and not for other people, and vice versa. When they start working though and that dark cloud you lived under start lifting, only then can you look back and really understand what you went through. In fact it took me several years to come to grips with some of the things that happened. I looked back through some old emails yesterday and I couldn't believe how bad things were. So here is the good news: The psychiatrist finally found a combination of meds that makes me feel like a human being again. It can be done and you cannot and don't have to do it alone. ((HUGS))

I understand what you're saying. This isn't the first AD I've tried, and I've never really found that any helped with the anxiety. The thought of having to keep trying indefinitely is terrifying and exhausting and I would genuinely rather be dead.

The GP did say that there wasn't really much else she could suggest, medication-wise, and that a psychiatrist would be needed to make any more changes. I've never had a good psychiatrist appointment (admittedly I've not had many, but those I have had have been awful) and I just don't know if I can cope with being judged and patronised and lied about right now.

I know that I need to trust someone, but I just have no idea how to do it. I've never been able to. It's too scary, the potential consequences are too much to cope with.

Thank you for being so kind. I'm sorry I'm being so useless. I really just want everything to be over.

I'm sorry for being needy and bumping this. I didn't know if it was ok to bump something that had been dormant for a while so please just ignore/report if not.

I'm so low I can't bear it. I am exhausted, no idea why, but I feel like everything, every single breath is a fight. I am so sick of fighting. Lost count of overdoses. Every time I sleep I pray that I won't wake up. Which is ridiculous and dramatic and stupid because I don't even believe in a higher entity, but I do it anyway. I just hate myself so so much. I can't think of a single thing I like about myself.

I feel so very alone (because I am and normally that's ok) and I'm blowing things out of proportion, hearing things, seeing things and I just really need someone to acknowledge me. I can't get out of my head. Sorry, I know it's awfully pathetic.

Oh my goodness you poor thing, you sound so exhausted and down, and in need of help. Please reach out and get some help, your life doesn't have to be as horrible and difficult as this you know, things can and will get better for you.

Thank you so much for replying. I know it's really needy and attention seeking but I desperately needed someone to acknowledge that I'm real and that the outside world is ongoing. Realistically I know it is (I read the news) but I am so paranoid and panicked that my mind is shooting off on crazy tangents. Apocalyptic thinking.

No-one to reach out to. I bottled out of asking my support worker to go with me to see the GP because I felt like she was mad at me. I want to be dead but I'm so scared of dying. Everything feels so contradictory that I just want to cry at how pointless and stupid it all is. Sorry, thank you again, I didn't know if anyone would be around at this time.

No problem, it's 10am in the morning here and I am being lazy lying on the garden sofa I padding. :) I have suffered from depression in the past myself ( now totally recovered but I was ill enough to be signed off work for over a year) and I can also be prone to a touch of anxiety, so I do know a little of what you feel, but not to the same extent. Please try again to reach out to someone, your support worker, or bp and ask for help, you really can be helped you know, life really can be a lot easier for you. When I was in a dark place I couldn't get out of bed for months and now I'm living in Australia listening to the kookaburras in the garden. can you do something kind for yourself? have a nice milky drink, run a bath, watch some nonsense on TV or something? But most importantly talk to someone about how you are feeling, a lot of it is just a chemical imbalance, really, it can and will get better with some help.

Gp not bp.

Thank you.

I don't trust the support worker at all. I can't go to the GP on my own though (because of anxiety), so I need her to take me. The only medical person I trust is my GP, and I don't even trust her fully. I can't tell anyone about the overdoses/suicidal thoughts etc. It would be sensible to ask the support worker to come with me to the GP, wouldn't it? I want to, I did want to when I saw her a couple of days ago, but she seemed mad so I was too scared.

I have Netflix, so plenty of things I can watch. No bath though. All I want to do is overdose again. Cutting sometimes helps, though not right now. I keep feeling things behind me and my back itches like someone just touched it but I live alone. I can't cope with it anymore. Everything feels contaminated and I know I'm watched.

I'm sorry you've struggled before too, it's an awfully dark place to be in. Sorry for going on.

Yes it would be sensible to ask your support worker to take you to the Gp, she won't be mad, it's her job, and as you said she gets to have a nice little skive playing with her phone in the waiting room. . No one is watching you love, really, it's just your anxiety playing tricks on you, it feels horrible and exhausting I know. Try and distract yourself by watching something on Netflix for a bit, we can't get Netflix here and I do miss it! Can you speak to your support worker in the morning, I really do think you need to see your Gp tomorrow as you seem to be sinking a bit and the sooner you get some help the better really.

I see my support worker next Wednesday, I only see her once a week. I can't use the phone, so can't get in touch with her. Earliest I'll be able to see the GP is the end of next week, but the middle of the week after that is more likely. Not that there's much point me seeing the GP because I'm so pathetic and useless that I won't be able to tell her the whole truth. Might try writing things down.

Support worker really did seem mad with me on Weds. She is hard to read anyway, and quite abrupt, but she definitely seemed mad and I know she hates me anyway, but it was more than that. they want rid of me. If i was dead it would be less of a caseload for them, everyone would have a little less work, someone else could be helped.

Thank you again, I'm sorry for being so useless.

Oh my dear you are very far from useless! It's a real shame you can't find a way to reach out to someone for help sooner than that, perhaps you could write some of this down in an email to your Gp? I know it's hard to believe but things can and will get better for you, it's not easy and it will take a while but if you ask for and accept help, life will get infinitely easier for you, but you have to find some way to take that first step.

I am going out shopping now, but I will check in on this post later. Please hang on in there. I would never have believed it myself when I was ill, but there really is a whole beautiful world out there for you to enjoy when you get better.

I don't have an email address for my GP. It wouldn't be right to bother her like that even if I did. GPs are massively overworked and I feel so horribly guilty for adding to that. I'm a burden and a bother to people.

I've asked for help so many times, I've tried so many different things and nothing changes. It's me. I'm the problem. It doesn't matter what they try, I'm fundamentally wrong and nothing is going to change that. I am not worth anyone's trouble.

Thank you so much. You're so kind and I don't deserve it at all.

How are you now littlegingercat? I hope you're asleep but just wanted to check after reading this thread.

I know I'm repeating what everybody has said but you really need to speak to somebody and get some help to feel better. You cannot do it on your own.

I think that you know this though but are just making excuses. Book a GP appointment NOW online if that's the way you would prefer to do it and then start to work up to asking your support worker to take you.

Only you can make the first step and I know that that is going to be really hard for you but you have to do it.

I'm up with my baby but think she's finally gone back to sleep so I'm going back to bed. Will check in with you later.

Cross post sorry.

Hello hope you are hanging in there littlegingercat

Thank you both.

The support worker has told me before to check appointment times with her before I make them, to make sure that she's able to come.

I probably am just making excuses. I could blather on again about the prohibitive nature of the anxiety, but I should just be able to get on with things by now.

Ended up cutting quite badly last night but didn't want to deal with it, just stuck a gauze pad on and went to bed. I need to take the pad off and clean it but it's going to bleed and I think that's going to make me want to cut more. I'm sorry, I know that's pretty disgusting.

Oh I do wish you would just talk with someone and ask for help. Please don't cut yourself again. you need urgent help, it's your illness making you think and feel like this, try to find a way to reach out as soon as possible, you do not need to feel this way. please please, be brave, pluck up the courage to get help today , i hate to think of you feeling so low when help is out there for you to take.

I'm sorry, I didn't want to worry anyone. I find it so impossible to be honest with anyone IRL and it's so much easier to talk online with people who don't know me. I probably end up being too open and melodramatic.

I am going to make myself ask the support worker to take me to the GP when I see her next. I think I'm going to say that it's about a physical problem, that might make it easier. I know I can be more honest with the GP. There are just so many potential consequences and I'm really struggling to get past them. I'm worried that I'll exhaust all avenues of help and I'll still feel like this, not unlikely since I've tried lots of different things already.

Sorry. Thank you for replying to me again.

I do remember being in such a terrible pit of despair, thinking that there was no possible way out and that things could never get better, but it's really not true, you can and will get better. It's a long hard slog at times but so worth it, honestly. I have a wonderful ( and completely different) life now and am very happy. You need good drugs, counselling, support and kindness I reckon, please believe that you can and will get through this and try to be kind to yourself, depression is a bloody awful thing but it is curable.

Just saying hello, maybe I can sit in for a few minutes littlegingercat, hope that's OK. Haven't got any advice or anything, just to say that it sounds so tough. My husband is very anxious at the moment and the main thing I see is just how exhausted he is fighting to stay on top of it. I hope you manage to get some rest at some point.

Thank you both.

It's really the anxiety that I need to deal with. I've had depression in some form or another for years, self harmed for more than half my life. I've tried quite a few different ADs, tried counselling and a couple of forms of therapy but because I can't talk to people, it doesn't go anywhere. I know that things are never going to be completely OK, I've accepted that and I know that the best I can hope for is for things to be manageable. I think I've just had enough of just coping. It's all just rather pointless.

I'm sorry your husband is struggling too joan. I hope he finds something that helps him soon.

I am just completely wallowing in self-pity here. I know how pathetic I look. I know it is all my fault because I can't/won't just get over it and be honest with someone. I know there is help out there. I wish I wanted to live.

Depression and anxiety are very dangerous illnesses, for sure.

My husband is a lot better these days as a rule but has had a bad time in the past few days. I work in a hospital and we have a picture 'pain scale' that we can show to patients who can't speak. His face when things are bad looks exactly like the one at the worst end of the scale.

It is medication that has helped him most. He has ended up on amitriptyline which is supposed to be oldfashioned but as far as I am concerned is a miracle. But it's very individual. Finding the right combination of meds is exhausting too, but the right meds have loosened the grip of the intrusive thoughts, the fears and all the rest of it.

I don't know if you would find net curtains bearable? Dh also hates having the curtains open esp at the front of the house but net curtains mean we can have some light in the room which helps me.

I hope you can accept a virtual hand hold. I would find a picture but perhaps that would be an unpleasant focus.

Thank you.

I've never really found medication that useful, though that could be that I've just not found the right one. I am so paranoid about medication though that at the minute, I just can't make myself take it. The 'fakeness' of meds is something that's always bothered me. I have a lot of anxiety about chemicals, mostly in toiletries and food, but also in meds.

I have net curtains but find they make me feel too exposed. My curtains are thin though, so a lot of light does get through.

Virtual hand holds are always appreciated. Thank you for being so kind.

I wonder if you have had cognitive behavioural treatment in the past. I know it's the most likely to be offered by the NHS so you're more likely to have had it than any other talking therapy.

Are you managing to eat at all? If you're feeling so out of hope, unable to get out, and fearing food....?

It sounds as if the illness is systematically working its way through everything pleasant in life and separating you from it