Suicide & Intrusive thoughts

[littlegingercat]

This is so self indulgent, I'm sorry in advance.

I had a thread on here a while ago about paranoia, about being worried that I was being watched and people were filming me. I've searched everywhere in my home and come up with nothing but I still feel like it's happening. Can't get rid of it. Can't shift how horribly paranoid and skin-crawly I feel.

I've had anxiety for years, and it's building up at the minute so I'm constantly anxious and can't focus on anything. Feel like I can't breathe for a lot of the time. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts about overdosing, I can't stop thinking about it. It feels inevitable. I've overdosed in the past but this feels different, can't really put my finger on why but it's more external.

I see some MH professionals but I don't trust them, there's definitely no way I could tell them about how I really feel, how much I'm self harming and how I have to keep doing it worse and worse, the suicidal thoughts. I just see them about my anxiety and about getting outside, but I can't vocalise the general anxiety I have, it's so wide-reaching that there's just no way I can talk about it, all my worries about health/contamination are so strong and I can't work out how to exist around them.

I can't phone anyone because of the anxiety, don't have any friends, and no family that I'm close to. So I need to fix this on my own, but I keep going deeper and deeper, and I can't find a way out. Does it get better? What do I need to be doing to make this stop? All I can hear is a voice berating me for not taking an overdose and I can't seem to do anything about it.

Sorry and thank you if anyone reads this.

Going to sleep, I'm up ridiculously late. Hope you can rest.

I'm glad to gear that you're going to ask your support worker to take you to the GP. I really hope that you get to go soon. I had PND after my 3rd DC was born and I remember feeling full of helplessness and could seeno way out. It was dreadful and I hated my life but luckily I had the DC to look after so I had to keep functioning and couldn't hide away at home. This probably helped me to get better more quickly. Sorry I'm rambling but just wanted to let you know that I've felt a bit of what you are going through. Again like other posters have said, you will get better and start to enjoy life.

I hope you have managed to get some sleep and have cleaned your cut. Try and do something nice for yourself today. Can you get some fresh air or ifyou dont want to go out what about a bath and hair wash? Maybe put some clean sheets on your bed. Doing little things like this always used to make me feel better.

Thank you both.

I've not had CBT. I've tried standard counselling, psychoanalysis and I saw a psychologist a few times, though I was never told what model he used. I'm so awful at talking about myself that I get a few sessions in, and they tell me it just isn't working. I understand why; the NHS is over-stretched and they need to help people who are worth it.

I do eat well, just not things that are full of E numbers and preservatives. Which is probably a good thing, really. Nothing that tastes particularly good, but all healthy.

I'm really freaked out about having to ask about this GP's appointment. I don't even see the support worker until Wednesday, being worried this early on is pointless. I've written out exactly what I'm going to say though, and I've practised saying it so it sounds natural. I feel bad about effectively lying but it feels like a means to an end.

Cuts are all clean, and I'm letting them air because they keep getting attached to the gauze and re-opening. I feel almost like I'm testing myself, because I want quite desperately to cut again. What I really want to do is OD. Insidious thoughts.

I don't do nice things for myself because I don't deserve them. Have got clean hair though, if that counts. Sorry for going on so much. I've tried writing this post a few times today but I can't seem to get the words right.

Good to hear from you littlegingercat and I'm pleased you sound a bit more positive. That sounds a good plan for sorting the GP appt. you just have to make sure you do it now! No excuses!

I think everyone deserves to do nice things for themselves so don't be too hard on yourself. Look after yourself and I'll be back to check in with you later, or maybe tomorrow x

Thank you.

I know I have to see the GP. I'm trying to ignore all the consequences and just focus on actually making the appointment to start with.

I can't think of a reason not to cut, can't quite remember why I was putting it off at all. My skin feels all crawly and I'm panicky. Absolutely no clue why, nothing has changed in the last few hours. If only I could wish myself away. Sorry, self indulgent drivel again.

Just remember this is your illness making you feel like this, its not really real if you know what I mean, you can take small steps towards improving your mental health and in time you can and will feel better, although I know this is probably impossible to believe right now. Please dont cut yourself, it really wont help. I wish I could give you a big hug, you sound so unhappy!

It sounds as if your illness is starting to try to separate you from talking to us littleginger - it wants you to worry about rewriting your posts. You don't have to, honestly.

Your feelings are real but they are not the only real feelings, just because they are so unpleasant doesn't make them the ones you 'should' have.

Really glad that you manage to eat well and take some care of yourself. You sound like an extremely resourceful person.

Thank you both.

I know that it's logical to think that it's the illness making me feel this way, but realistically, it's just me. I've been this way so long, I react the same on all the different AD's, this is just me. Useless, pathetic, nothing me.

I did cut, but only a bit. I think I have the starts of an infection from a few days ago. I can't bring myself to care enough to do anything about it. In fact, I keep picking at it which is probably making it worse.

I want to OD. It's not anxiety or depression speaking, it's me who is just a waste of space. Even if I woke up tomorrow with no mental illness, I'd still be a total waste of space. I actually want to cry, that's how self-pitying and weak I am. How bloody pathetic.

Sorry. I know I'm going on again and I'm not doing anything to help myself. I can't think of anything I could do. I am safe, I'm not going to go through with the OD'ing thoughts, I just really want to.

You're cutting yourself, perhaps, in order not to take an overdose?

I'm not an expert in this so I don't know.

Listing things you have done - not overdosed, washed your hair, kept eating, treated your cuts, made a plan to ask your support worker to take you to your GP and what to say, practised the plan. All while you are in great pain. That's what I mean by resourceful.

I'm not sure. Could you open a window for a while? Somewhere at the back? And just feel a little bit of sunshine and air (if any, it seems to have clouded over again!) But not if that would start a whole new cycle of stress.

The cutting is partly to prevent an overdose. It quietens the "you have to hurt yourself, you are horrible" kind of thoughts because although I'm not fully giving in, I am doing something. Mostly though, it just helps me feel a bit better. It gives me something to fully focus on for a while, it makes me feel calmer, and it kind of grounds me a bit.

I think I've felt like this for so long, that I'm just used to it. I can't imagine what it must be like to be happy. I have a routine of things that I do daily and I need to stick to them to keep the germ/contamination fears at a minimum. I find it really tiring but it does help with the anxiety. Thank you for saying I'm resourceful.

I did have the bathroom window open for a while but I could hear voices so I shut it. I can usually open it because I don't want steam hanging around the bathroom, and it's just one of those little top windows that nothing can fit through. But the voices worried me. I'll open it up again when it's dark.

Thank you for replying to me again. I think I'm going to go to bed for a while and see how things feel in a few hours.

How are you doing littlegingercat? Are you still seeing your support worker tomorrow?

Yes I hope you are hanging in there.

Hello, I am sorry to read about your anxiety.

I hope you can arrange an appointment with your doctor. Maybe taking written notes to the appointment would help. It's much faster to read than speak (try it!) and helps reduce the chance of you forgetting to mention something.

Your support worker and doctor wouldn't have jobs if people didn't need them. They have a duty to provide a service and we're all as deserving of it as each other.

take care.

Thank you all.

Saw the support worker this morning. Got a GP appointment for next Wednesday, she didn't ask why I wanted one so that was easier than I thought it would be. Horribly anxious now, but I always am after any kind of appointment. Feel quite vulnerable and exposed but not really sure why, we didn't talk about any of this.

Ended up giving in to the OD thoughts on Monday night/Tuesday morning. Only in a small way, so no cause for concern. Helped at the time but "take more, again, now" is my head's current mantra.

I probably will take notes in to the GP, though I find her quite easy to talk to. The things that I won't mention to her aren't because they're hard to talk about as such, it's that I don't want anyone to know about them. Can't quite trust anyone enough for that.

Sorry for going on again. Thank you all for being kind.

That's great that you have an appointment for next week. I am sorry that you are having sad thoughts in the meantime. Do you find that your anxiety is helped if you write things down? There's a known issue, kind of like brain strain, that rethinking the same stressful thoughts is hard work and makes your brain tired (for want of a better word). By writing things down, whether a shopping list or to do list or whatever it reduces the strain. Also if you can get in the habit of writing down and rereading nice things that can help too. Like if you enjoyed some music or a book, or saw butterflies or anything really.

Take care

I write things down quite a lot, though I don't find it helps that much anxiety-wise. I'm probably just not writing the right things. I always have a to-do list, mostly because I just like lists and the sense of order. I have a lot of 'reminder' lists, like things that I want to buy, and how much I've spent, which do make me feel more in control.
It's always practical things that I write down. I had to try to do a mood diary when I was younger, and nothing came out, like a total block. My mind was utterly blank and I couldn't identify anything that I was feeling.

Thank you again.

"we stuff" should read "war stuff "

Oops I deleted a post as I had only previewed it.

anyway I was asking if you enjoy reading? The website www.librarything.com is one I like. You can store lists of books you've read, own etc and get ideas from others with similar tastes.

I'm making a mess of this! My earlier post was to correct the deleted one... I was saying I liked historical fiction and what came as a big surprise was liking war stuff.

I'm not really a reader. I used to be, but I find it really hard to concentrate on it now, and I just don't enjoy it anymore. Makes me a bit sad that I used to love reading, and now I feel like I'm trudging through books out of a sense of duty. So I just don't read them now. I tried reading one of my old favourites recently, and I just ended up crying over how empty it felt and how sad it made me.

Sorry, I know that's really negative. I haven't got much that I really enjoy, I'm pretty boring. Thank you for replying again.

I think it's good to try things, but if they're not enjoyable then look for something else. I haven't been reading much either recently. I discovered the 2048 game through a thread on this site, and that was my calling until I finally solved it! (it's online if you're interested.)

My husband has rediscovered art in the past few months. He's started going to art classes at a place recommended by his community psychiatric nurse and he loves it. He enjoys the classes but also keeps a sketchbook running and when he's able to draw and paint it can be anything from fantastically creative to a pure distraction when the anxiety builds. If he's too unwell to go or to draw, he can look back and have what he has done in his hands.

For years he couldn't concentrate on reading. The right medication has enabled him to return to it, he can often concentrate now.

Thank you both.

It's great that your husband has found something that helps him so much, joan. I have zero artistic talent but I know it's something that a lot of people find really helpful.

I really don't want to have to be dependent on medication just to kind of function. I know the argument is always "if you had diabetes, you'd take the insulin" but it doesn't feel the same. This is all my fault and all medication does is mask it. Maybe I'd feel differently if I'd ever had a really good AD.

Can't shake the anxiety after today's appointment. I'm distracting with Netflix but I just want to hurt myself.

You've achieved a lot in a day. Be kind to yourself. If you don't usually go outside or see people face to face then of course this is a big deal and will be stressful. You've managed to do something big. And something useful.

Giving yourself recognition probably doesn't come naturally to many people, so unless others give us a bit of feedback I expect we can all downplay our achievements and abilities, and focus on our perceived failings.

Anyway, I hope you have a peaceful night.