sick of feeling alone

[babapoorlymama]

Dont really know what i can do anymore.
I have never felt so scared and alone ,i just want to escape my feelings and run away .

Oh im so srry how terrible for you.Surely your mum would want to know whats really going on in your life,rather than you having to struggle alone.From a reverse perspective my own mum had terrible depression a few years ago and Im glad she told me as it has made me realise why she was bewhaving as she was and brought us closer

I couldn't do it to her,she feels so guilty over my sister (not her fault),she does know that my depression is linked to growing up with my sister and how she affected us all.

Dunno if ur still there but i really must get some sleep now as dd wakes at 5 and ds at 6 so i need some kip.Depresion is terrible.Mum described it as being in a black hole,totally numb.She said the only thing that kept her going was thinking of my brotherwho is a lot youngrer than me,which stopped her from suicide.Think of your lovely girls and please try to see your gp and tell them how you are feeling.Will try and post tommorow children permitting.Sending you big hugs

Thanks for talking wrinkly tum

hope things are more bearable for you today.just a quick post as off to playgroup

Just found your thread and wanted to send some support BPM. Four months seems like such a long time to wait for your treatment. I can see why it won't be hurried up for you if you go back to your GP, but it might be worth going back anyway to see what s/he recommends for you as coping strategies in the meantime. Tell her/him what you have told us.

In the meantime, try not to think about the future. Concentrate on getting through one day at a time. I think that you are amazing being able to put aside your feelings for a day to go out with your Mum. That is huge thing to be able to do, for her. And it is one more day out of the way too, before your treatment.

By the way, you are not stupid or odd to be let down by friends. It goes hand in hand with depression. I agree with Troilus - they may have just pulled back for a while. Depression is really hard for those outside of it to deal with, and people often just don't know what to do or say to help.

If you can't talk with your Mum - and I can see why you are being so protective of her - then can you find other sources of support? What's your HV like? Any help there? How about Homestart? Or you could use the Samaritans whilst you are going through this. It will get better. You are going to get some professional help. In the meantime, enlist anyone who is willing to listen to help you out. You are not a bad mom. You care enough about your dc and the effect that this might have on them to post here.

Hang on in there, Honey. And keep on posting. It's what MN is here for.

PS Depression is sh*t and affects every area of your life - especially relationships. Would dp consider going to Relate with you?

With or without their help could you and he set up a few ground rules to get you through the next few months - things like :

we agree not try not to shout at each other in front of the dc,

we agree to count to ten and walk away if things are gettng bad,

we agree to try to say one nice thing to each other each day.

They are just starting points, but they might take the pressure off a bit.

Thanks for the posts both of you.
Well today wasn't really any better
dd2 kept screaming while i was trying to get stuff organised so we could go out and i ended up just screaming at her to shut up.
We went out and i was so miserable and snappy that i couldn't hide it from my mom and she kept on at me saying that "you really need medication",which only annoyed me further as she knows i have tried so many anti-d's,and so we ended up having a row .That is why i never really show my mom my feelings when im like this cos all she ever does is say "oh i dont need this",that was all she ever said when my sister was alive.I have never been 'allowed 'to be depressed,so she just left me feeling even more angry .
I haven't felt as angry at dp today but then ive hardly seen him.
I sometimes wonder if my dd's would be better off if they were adopted as i cant live with the guilt of being so horrible around them,they deserve better than me.
I know my so called friends haven't backed off because of the depression because one of them dumped (for want of a better word)me way back and the other has treated me bad and not bothered for quite a while e.g i would never hear from her unless i phoned or texted her and then she would reply and now i have stopped bothering as i haven't the energy i haven't heard off her for about 6 months, even though she knows i haven't been well and i have had another child.
I feel i have been stood still for half my life and everyone else has kept going.
I just wish i had a friend who i could trust implicitly,i dont know what i must do to people to make them treat me like shit all the time.
I am dying to just up and leave everything but i have nowhere to go and no money so it is a fruitless idea.It would break my heart to leave my girls but they are better off without me .
Anyway sorry for the rant ,just want to get it all out .

Babypoorlymama

You poor thing. Your anger and hurt is very clear to hear in your post. Don't apologise for ranting. Mn is big enought to cope with that.

I do know what you mean about wanting a good friend. It would make life soooo much easier for you to have someone to help you get through this.

Have you had counselling in the past, as well as the ads? While you are waiting for your intensive treatment, do you think that you can ask if your gp or health visitor can offer any support? Or Homestart, or the Samaritans, or even Cruse (bereavement counselling. The fact that your sister took her own life and that must have had a huge impact on you and your family and may well still be affecting you.)

How sad for you that your mum is not able to respond more sympathetically to you. And your dds in turn may well be picking up on how you are feeling and wanting to be reassured, cuddled, looked after. We've all had times when that is just too much for us, and screamed at them (well, I certainly have and it is a horrible feeling). Little ones are very very forgiving and if you can find time for them when things are not so pressurised to hug them and let them know how much that you love them, they will understand what your real feelings for them are. No-one can replace their mum for them. The fact that you are considering letting someone adopt them shows how really really desparate you are feeling at the moment.

Hang on in there, Honey, and keep on posting, even if it is just to let off steam.

Thanks notquitesotiredmum,I haven't had councelling before and to be honest probably wouldn't see anyone as it took me a lot of courage to see the psychologist ,as my sister was supposedly having 'mental health care'but was mentally abused by the staff on the psychiatric ward.That is why i have a long wait because i refused to be seen by anyone in my area so have been referred out of the area.My health visitor is aware of my situation but has gone on mat leave now and i dont know the other one.
I feel a bit better today,it is amazing how my feeling's can flip in an instant.
I would just love to be free of all the pain.

So glad that you are feeling a bit better today. It's true that feelings can flip so quickly and that there will always be good and bad days. (It's good to hang onto that thought when things go downhill, too. Things do get better. The sun is waiting, behind the clouds.)

You have done amazingly well persisting in getting help after all of the problems you, and your poor, poor sister, have been through. and for her.

What a shame that your hv didn't introduce you to her replacement before she went. Do they have a drop-in clinic to get kids weighed? Perhaps on a good day you might pop into get to know the new one, incase you need to talk sometime.

Take care. Look after yourself.