Just been diagnosed with bipolar. Feel utterly grim about it all

[LeGavrOrf]

Bipolar and elements of PTSD apparently.

Have been off work for 8 weeks and initially diagnosed by the GP as depressed, am on 225mg of venlafaxine which hasn't worked at all. Last week saw CPN and now have been given quietapine to take as well, 25mg.

I feel so low and have had suicidal thoughts mixed with feeling very down, and then other days where I am dashing about feeling as if I have had 20 double espressos.

I am just so down at having bipolar and worried about work and what this all means, I have also looked on the Internet and seen that 25mg of quietapine is a very small dose and should have a higher dose, I haven't been told to increase this at all. Plus I haven't seen a psychiatrist at all. Is it normal just to see a psychiatric nurse? I am seeing her again tomorrow, she is coming to my house as when I spoke to her yesterday I was so low and worried.

It's just a bloody horrible thing to come to terms with.

Hello everyone and thanks very much for telling me about your experiences, especially the information about the drugs. That is really helpful. God knows if these things are working, the venlafaxine isn't certainly and I don't know about the quinoa pine. I don't feel at all sleepy any more. Plus with the venlafaxine reading about it I see that it has a very short half life, most people have to take it at exactly the same time each day or they get horrible withdrawal symptoms. I never have, I just take a couple in the morning, so any time from 6 to 11, and another in the evening before I go to bed so that can be anything from 9 to midnight. So perhaps it doesn't work.

I had a lovely day yesterday, I met up with ledkr and dollytwat and sat in a lovely sunny garden. It was so lovely to get out and talk to them, they were angels and really helped.

Today has been crap. Feel really down and have spent most of this evening crying and feeling really grim. It all just feels bloody hopeless. Luckily I have a house full of kids at the moment which at least keeps me occupied thank god. And dd has been brilliant. She is now a LOT taller than me, bloody hell. She says I will have to sit on her lap now for a cuddle.

Sorry to hear today was bad.

Not being sleepy any more sounds hopeful, though?

In the UK they nearly always prescribe slow-release venlafaxine. It has XL after the name, at least mine does. If yours isn't, by any chance, ask your doctor to change it. I've seen people on forums exchanging complicated charts to map their venlafaxine levels at various times of the day: slow-release drugs were invented to save you doing that!

That's strange, I was on XL originally but the GP said that they advised that it was not appropriate to dispense anymore, so moved me back to the ordinary ones.

I know it sounds crazy but could it be that they have never worked. I remember before I was on 300mg and I just stopped them dead, no withdrawals symptoms at all, and I have read that people have to usually withdraw really slowly, cutting up tablets to really small particles.

Oh I don't bloody know

How is it possible that your DD is taller than you?! Did you give birth to a bloody giraffe?!

Hang in there my friend.
It's all temporary and will be ok soon.
You will never be alone remember.

I know. Perhaps I have shrunk! She is a good inch taller than me now. Se loves it of course, looks all smug.

Thanks ledkr. I know it's momentary. It just feels all so real at the time.

I am now cooking fajitas for a load of teenagers,

Glad to hear you've managed to meet up with some lovely MNers LeGav. It's so nice to have people outside of our 'real' lives that we can be completely honest with. I'm sure you will not be short of offers to meet and chat - you are so lovely, probably up there in the top 5 of most well liked MNers, so everyone hates to think of you suffering. It's a good job we are spread so thinly, geographically speaking, otherwise you seriously risk being crushed to death in a giant motherly hug.

:) You are so lovely, true.

It's perfectly possible for a drug not to work with your metabolism.

I think by "not appropriate", your GP may have meant "expensive"! They cost a bloody fortune.

Oh thank you fell what a lovely thing to think and say.

I have had such lovely texts from people on mumsnet who I'm in contact with, and people who I have never met PMing me with their phone numbers to call if I feel bad.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. I am lucky in that I have got a lot of RL support but this thread (and mumsnet in general) has been a bloody huge support. I think I would have felt incredibly isolated without it. Plus so much practical advice as well.

Sorry you've had a rubbish day, ledkr's right (as always) it's just a temporary thing, you will get past this.

You know when you described your normal working life to us, I'm not surprised at all your body has told you to slow down. I'm sure they call it burn out. No-one over the age of 30 could keep that up, seriously.

I have a mediation cd for you which might of use, I like the plinky plonky music even if the woman gets a bit irritating! Anyway borrow it and see!

Take care of you lovely lady

Bloody hell at not prescribing it for cost reasons! I had never thought of that oh well I don't suppose it matters really, I don't have the horrible effects that others suffer with on them anyway.

I think you might be right dolly. I remember when I first stopped work in June after my project finished I was walking like an old lady, I remember thinking 'work has broken me'. But Christ I thought work burnout was for people in the city earning thousands doing insane jobs, not normal (albeit long houred) jobs for a twat like me.

I dare you to post what your normal working week was like. You'll be surprised at how many people faint with the mere thought, let alone bringing up your lovely dd who is a credit to you.

Taking a break from it must be alien in itself let alone feeling unwell into the bargain

We knOw each other of old.

I have a similar diagnosis. It's something I know I will always struggle with. But it never defines my life. No one knows I have this diagnosis. I have found that therapy, exercise and a healthy diet all help me manage.

You've had a period of stress - you might well just be reacting normally FOR YOU to shit times. They won't last forever and nor will this.

You will need to take care of y

...yourself. Don't fuck about with food. Eat well. Try and get a walk every day.

You are FAB. You will get past this. I promise.

OK. I had an outsourcing project to manage which I had worked on since September, pretty much a full time job. That's in London and I live in Gloucester, so had to get the 5.20 or 6 o clock train to London (2 and half hrs to Westminster) then get home at 8.45 or (if I missed the train, often because of the FUCKING circle line) an hour later.

I had a team of people inSwindon to manage as well.

My manager left at Christmas. I applied for his job (as did a colleague) but in the end they decided not to appoint, and said they would review it in June and would be based on performance (so basically work well for the next 6 months and then we will see).

Then in late January one of the head honchos said I should become an interim head of department (FT role) managing a bunch of (inexperienced) people in Birmingham. So I went there sometimes, sometimes went to Birmingham for the morning and had to then go to London, which was fun. But mainly in London but having to deal with day to day issues for the Birmingham job, as well as do this outsourcing project which was really high profile and after the west coast mainline franchising debacle people were crawling all over it and if I had managed it wrongly/illegally it would have gone to court.

I had to carry two laptops as each were encrypted, so would work on emails and assorted crap on the trains, and would work when I got in in the evening.

It was just a lot of juggling of balls in the air and I was always worried that I would fuck up. That's when I started waking up every morning at 2 and sitting there fretting about it all.

I cried down the phone to my interim manager at some point and said that this was a bloody stupid and reckless thing to do and I felt I had been set up to fail. Still do actually.

Some time in June I just cracked up in the office, I had completed the outsourcing with no legal challenge (thank fuck) and this was the first day after the challenge deadline. A nice colleague came and sat on my desk and said 'hello sunshine' and I just started crying like a KNOB in the office. He took me down for coffee and was lovely. I then had a meeting with my interim manager and just cried and cried. I NEVER cry at work ( well I used to when I was young and got shouted at by fat men in factories but I used to go to the loo and cry). Couldn't stop crying. Manager gave me a week of lieu time and said to chill out. And that was that. Haven't been back since.

Fuck that was long.

And for a few weeks before I finished was when I had the stupid thoughts about just jumping in front of the bakerloo line train as it hurtled out the tunnel, people would think that I had just tripped over and not jumped iykwim. This seemed like a really good idea at the time.

Not the circle line, that would go too slowly to kill anyone.

Christ that's a macabre thought just made me laugh though, sick minded twat that I am.

Erm well if you DIDN'T have a total breakdown after that, you would be a total abnormal FREAK.

Sounds like you had a fairly normal reaction to totally abnormal levels of stress.

Dont fret too much about a label. We all react in different ways. I'm not sure that labels tell us much more than that. X

Not the circle line, that would go too slowly to kill anyone.

Well you still have your wicked sense of humour in spite of everything.

Bloody hell, that all sounds grim. Sometimes people are off work with 'stress' and you think 'WTF have you got to be stressed about - you're a postman' or whatever. And other times you think 'Christ on a bike, no wonder.'

You are in the second category, obviously.

Jeez, no wonder you're stressed

Jesus.

Yeah, what kate said.

Seriously, that's a stupid amount of work and stress. Your managers fucked up.