Just been diagnosed with bipolar. Feel utterly grim about it all

[LeGavrOrf]

Bipolar and elements of PTSD apparently.

Have been off work for 8 weeks and initially diagnosed by the GP as depressed, am on 225mg of venlafaxine which hasn't worked at all. Last week saw CPN and now have been given quietapine to take as well, 25mg.

I feel so low and have had suicidal thoughts mixed with feeling very down, and then other days where I am dashing about feeling as if I have had 20 double espressos.

I am just so down at having bipolar and worried about work and what this all means, I have also looked on the Internet and seen that 25mg of quietapine is a very small dose and should have a higher dose, I haven't been told to increase this at all. Plus I haven't seen a psychiatrist at all. Is it normal just to see a psychiatric nurse? I am seeing her again tomorrow, she is coming to my house as when I spoke to her yesterday I was so low and worried.

It's just a bloody horrible thing to come to terms with.

Can you imagine?

Dd on manoeuvres in the Brecon Beacons, up I pop 'hiya' from behind a bush like something out of a terrible 80s sitcom.

I am at home a lot at the moment, there is nothing on the telly. I need something terrible to watch like Quincy or the House of Eliott. I have to make do with watching Alan Partridge repeats and the Apartment for the millionth time.

Have you got Netflix? You get a month free, and can cancel whenever you want. I haven't looked for HoE, but there are loads of tv shows on there.

I have just discovered Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. its awesomely shite!

Pity Judge Judy's never on anymore

lissie, those Real housewives are hideous!

I LOVE judge Judy,

I will have a look at Netflix but dd will have to show me how to access it on the play station or the laptop and how to plug it into the telly.

Oh my good sweet Jesus I have so, so much to say I don't even know where to start.

GetOrf I clicked on this thread because I tend to read anything with bipolar in the title and did the most massive double take when I saw you were the OP. I'm so sorry. It does kind of suck.

First of all I am glad to see and think it's fab that you have not lost your wonderful sense of humour.

I'm bipolar too and it nearly meant the end of my life at one stage. More about that later, but I was diagnosed in 2008.

I'm on 500mg of quetiapine and 1200mg sodium valproate daily. It did take a while to get my meds right. I take most of my quetiapine at night because it does knock me out. The tiredness and impact on blood pressure (already have low blood pressure and it lowered it even more to the point where I fainted once or twice) have lessened.

Here's the important part: I have been completely, 100% myself since 2009. That is four years of gorgeous stability, going through life's normal ups and downs, no depression, no anxiety and no mania. It's awesome. I came so close to losing everything and now I have it all. I went back to work in Jan 2010 and have not had one single day off because of my illness since then. Well, apart from keeping appointments with my CPN or psychiatrist. My therapist and our marriage counsellor we saw outside working hours.

Advantages of the meds apart from keeping you stable: you gain weight (advantage for you, not for me. I'm almost as tall as you but I weigh, um, 17 stone), you sleep really, really well and I swear my hair and nails are nicer

I keep careful track of sleep, I take my meds religiously, I only drink to excess sometimes, I'm careful with jet lag, I talk to people about stressors.

Ok enough of an epic post. I'm going to PM you.

Darling, I'm not surprised you feel a bit startled by this interim diagnosis! I've nothing better to offer than everyone else already has, but do have some more (how fab is that cake?!) and remember the bad days always pass.

Actually, please do eat . You can't possibly be fat, you're just looking wrong at yourself. Being undernourished ain't too good for your health, physical or mental.

xxx

four years of gorgeous stability, going through life's normal ups and downs, no depression, no anxiety and no mania - - - !
I'm really tired of having to manage my mood all the time - it literally does exhaust me, and then of course I feel depressed. Getting to where you are now is my holy grail. You've motivated me (an achievement in itself, heh) to push harder for a meds review :)

If china is too far, you are always welcome in Belgium.

Sending copious amounts of chocolate.

Also re eating - both DS and I have been on ready meals in the last few weeks. I find I'm more likely to eat if I don't have to think about it. Maximum of 20 minutes if you oven cook them. Means I'm eating at least.

Here are the things i find / have found hardest:

I struggled at first with what was me, and what was my bipolar? I've mostly sorted that one out now - my diagnosis does not define who I am.

Why did I get bipolar at age 38?? What on earth happened that it all of a sudden reared its ugly head in almost-middle-age? I have a few ideas, several years of PND and anxiety disorder, and I think I was undiagnosed for a couple of years.

Depressive episodes are harder and more dangerous for me (suicidal thoughts etc). My manic episodes are hugely, massively fun and amazing for me, but more dangerous for everyone else. And dangerous for me being able to keep my "normal" life - as in, if my husband had pressed charges against me, and decided to divorce me, I probably would have lost my DDs, my marriage and life as I know it. I met so many women in hospital who only had like an hour supervised access to their kids once every two weeks. That was so close to being me. That scared the living daylights out of me. As a result, health professionals tend to worry more about keeping you from being manic rather than being depressed I think. This is not a scientific thing, just my observation!!

Jesus hearts that sounds so frightening. I am so glad that you have your husband and dd s supporting you. I don't want to be defined by this either.

I have no idea how I will go back to work, the thought of doing what I normally do makes me panic. I can't imagine being that strong enough to do that again. And yet I was omly doing it two months ago.

And two months ago dd took me to Le Gavroche, I look at that photo (which is on my profile incidentally) and it is like a different world. I was so happy that day. And yet I am thinking back and doubting myself, I went on a massive shopping Spree that day, really quite reckless and mindless spending. Was that me, or was that my behaving as a bipolar?

Portofino I spent new year in Brussels ages ago, strange sight was the Christmas tree in the Grande Place which had pink elephants all over it. I swear to god that's true and I wasn't pissed (much). Had a LOT of warm wijn or whatever they called it. The strongest memory is having a terrible row with my XP and storming off and trying to find Avenue Louise whilst plastered at 3am on New Year's Day.

You love Judge Judy too? I love that show. Judge Judy via CBS Reality and me were tight while I was ill.

Don't worry about going back to work right now. That will fall into place when you are better.

Love the photo :)

Aww, gorgeous pic of you and your DD.

Hope you get a decent night's rest.

Cor, you are gorgeous, the both of you.

I don't know anything about bipolar, but I can't see that worrying about whether or not a shopping spree was in character is helpful to you. It sounds as if you had a great day, and for goodness' sake, going to a restaurant that posh is surely not everyday behaviour either ... so I would just file it away in your memory as a lovely treat and not keep second-guessing (ok, I am assuming here you're not on the verge of admitting hand-to-mouth penury of the direst kind and debt collectors knocking on the door, but ...).

I am sure the medics will be able to tell you more about how to understand what you are doing in terms of a diagnosis, but it shouldn't take away from your good memories of what sounds to me like a one-off spree which was for a special day.

Oh bloody hell LeGav, that is just crap.

I can't believe it. Not you, surely? You always seem so consistent and so together. You are certainly the least mad mad person I know.

I completely agree with what BOF said - they do say that people who have to be really strong to get through stuff can hold up the world single handedly when they have to, but the minute the weight is taken off them they go into wobble mode and can't cope. I think it's a normal pattern - not that knowing that helps you much, I'm sure.

I wish you'd go back to gets some proper therapy/counselling. Honestly, it's so helpful for exorcising all your demons. Have you got people around you (apart from DD) you can talk to? ex-MIL for example?

Although if you are anything like me (and I think you are in many ways) you'd probably rather put a brave face on it and keep it all to yourself in RL because you hate being seen as vulnerable.

PMing you.

Thanks LeGavrOrf. DH has been amazing. A lesser man would have run for the hills. I am very lucky in so many ways!! As are you with your gorgeous DD. Le Gavroche is amazing.

garlic again it can be exhausting, I know. I don't know exactly what it is I'm doing right to keep this stability but a lot is to do with support systems and monitoring how you feel.

I think I said upthread that I had not had a day off work since 2010 related to my bipolar, well that is not strictly true... every once in a while, if I feel myself getting stressed or feeling overwhelmed, I will treat myself to a "mental health day" and spend the day in my jammies eating chocolate and watching crap TV in between naps.

DH and I also have a written crisis plan in place that spells out what we do if I start to go off the deep end again. It's comforting to know it's there.

But I do think the most important is getting your meds right and taking them religiously at the exact same time every day.

Un MN-hugs, to you and everyone on this thread.

Perhaps it was the start of a manic phase. Or perhaps you were just feeling frivolous because you were having such a lovely day. Who knows, would it really make a huge difference either way now? You cant go back and change it. Don't tar the memory, you had a fabulous time that's all that matters.

I can totally see why seeing your daughter become an adult is bring all these feelings to the fire. BoF's post summed it up perfectly. You were a single parent, and so young, you've been a mother your entire adult life, and a bloody good one! Of course her joining the flipping army is hard for you.

But

Look at the relationship you have with your DD. Look at the success you've made of your life. You did that. You. On your own. That's pretty blimmin impressive stuff.

Fire? Fore.

I give up.

Oh you are all being so nice. It is making me feel very ashamed and think that you don't know the real me, I have met quite a few of you and chatted to lots of you on here for years, I feel the real me is someone wicked. I can't look at myself in the mirror. And yet you are all being so bloody lovely.

TSC you are in Wiltshire next week aren't you? I read on a thread a comment about Wiltshire entertainment this week, someon got really arsey with you haha.

Sitting in bed now waiting for Valium to kick in and quietapine, it can't come too soon, the sound of the rain is driving me mad and I saw sme beetles in the laundry hij just a minute ago, they weren't there really. Spots of light in the air. Perhaps I am Yvette fuxking Fielding.

Dd is an angel but she was born in a good mood, she had that personality from birth, I am very lucky.