roll up for the village fete! move to our village if your 'fete' is to be happy!

[ThatVikRinA22]

6th thread folks....

keep talking/posting.

Well done vicar

That must have been well annoying snowy but at least you got them. I've found this a useful site for information, it's been accurate about sertraline anyway.

crazymeds.us/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HomePage

and quite funny.

((( Lem )))

Much love to Juggling and Filee, Kay and Never Day at a time.

Feel a bit low, but the film was funny. Alan Partridge, all dh's family are from Norwich so we just fell about laughing, which did me good..

Thanks for the website, looks interesting hoochy
I'm verging on a 1-2 for mood, can't do much as CPN is ill, and psychiatrist is on leave.

I'm glad the film was good hoochy.

How's everyone else doing?

Hugs to all. Vicar, hope that reflux gets sorted soon now. Horrible tests. Hope the medication settles in well Snowy.

We went camping as a family for the first time. It was so good to be outside hearing the wind in the trees and just immersing myself into a place where there was little distraction apart from enjoying the being there if that makes sense. There was one beautiful evening sky.... the stars seemed to be floating pinpoints of light bobbing in a sea of darkness. It has made me realise how much being outside makes me feel better. Now I have to work on kicking myself out of the front door!

A few treacly days but I do find once start doing things my mood lifts incredibly. How do people best motivate themselves?

Vicar - that is good news re the surgery and bloody well done for getting through it.

I feel really guilty i seem to be losing track of the thread, its not deliberate, i have been so erratic over the past few weeks - i made a cup of tea this morning, its still on the side in the kitchen with the teabag in it I do this when im anxious, start one thing, get distracted with something i absoultely HAVE to do right this minute, strt that, get distracted,,,,,,,,,,,,,,achieve bugger all. Although i did manage to mow and strim the lawn (after doing poo patrol) and then DP came home early (wahoo) and we managed to get to broadstairs folk week which was fun, if not a little weird! I will try and read back over the thread, but wanted to say hi to all the new faces and returning residents.

Hugs to hoochy, neverknowingly, CiQ, Ed, Vicar, Snowy, SPC, Filee and anyone else who i have missed.

My washing is still on the line

mama - the camping sounds fab, my DP is desperate for a caravan, we would also like to camp but DD wont have it!

the camping does indeed sound wonderful, i have been woeful at getting out and about lately - not even been to stables for over a month but text yesterday to try and explain why....not had a reply yet though so hoping my lovely riding instructor isnt cross with me....

i went out to try and watch for the meteors the other night - the sky at night is truly amazing.

i am being crap at keeping up with folk on here too - was wallowing a bit in my own misery lately....the tests and all that.

ive just been out to my food recycling bin to find it literally crawling with maggots - the path is moving with them.

im itching and im so glad this didnt happen yesterday while the tube was in.....

LEM, when anxiety overtook me I would sometimes mentally slow myself down or make myself return to something. An ordered list helps me keep on track and gives me the double satisfaction of crossing it out. Although on a treacle day like today the fact that motivating myself to start anything is nigh on impossible. The list sits there and then I feel guilty so I try to balance list using and interpreting my progress (part of the being gentle with myself). Glad your DH came home early and you went out to have a nice time. Camping - for many years DH would not go so this meant a lot to me. Brownie points for him :)

Vicar, that's true we haven't heard much stable chat lately. Could you drop by for a chat rather than a text?

On the plus side - did laundry and all of the camping stuff is aired and tidied away, I cleaned up the kitchen and finished a book. I need to motivate myself to get out more though. Bit of a recluse (I like quiet on the best of days) but getting out does help me feel happier :)

Nighty night to all. Good wishes and hugs for tomorrow xxx

PS night sky is amazing and one of my regrets of large town life. I love to sit back and just feel immersed in it. I can relax by feeling suspended in the whole of the universe. I know sounds a bit odd but it is the best I can write it as at the mo.

I hope your riding instructor friend is understanding, vicar. Yuck re: maggots Sounds like you got a lot done, mamakoukla

I'm having a really low patch, a 1 or 2 out of 10 CPN is ill and psychiatrist is on leave.

Yeah, we had maggots in the bin last week - two weeks before it was due for emptying and collecting for a clean. Grim.

Today I am mostly pleased I had help to put the shopping away. I moan about them, but my kids really do have their moments.

I'm mithering about my medication reduction. I'm worried that if I don't get 'permission' from the consultant and carry on, they'll take my kids from me. It's just such an irrational fear really, but it's keeping me awake at night.

Can you challenge your fears? Evidence for and against, etc?

I think we all have a basic right to choose whether or not to accept any prescription or treatment don't we Kay ? Perhaps you could talk it over with your consultant or GP for reassurance - I expect they'd be pleased for you that you're doing so well ?

Snowy sending you a hug and hang on there. Are they due back soon? Is there any other useful service you can access as a stop gap?

Kay are there any different medications that could be tried? I honestly don't know much about medication etc so just a suggestion. Can the consultant come up with any ideas on how to help you with the side effects, or any nurses? Snowy's suggestion of rationalising your arguments to help you address your fears and also understand them sounds good.

Vicar is there a local dump you could take the waste to e.g. rebag and clean the bin out? Two weeks is grim. Ours is done a weekly basis; the dry recyclables and non-rescyclables on an alternating two week rota.

Thanks mamakoukla I'm not sure when CPN is back, there isn't really anyone else (can't get in contact with crisis team unless you've been referred, and I don't generally find them helpful).

Here's some village made

offers in return

Evening.

I'm here for a whinge and 'release'. To verbalise my day in safe surroundings.

Feeling a bit......something...tonight.

Wemt to sleep 3.30am last night with pounding headache.
Up at 9am.
90min drive. Crap roads. Obviously very tired.
Pleasant day out, but finished with...
-A drive past the house where I was abused on a weekly basis. I have been there since (I grew up there) and have visited loads of times. But my mum moved out of that house several years ago and I haven't been back since and just seemed to touch a nerve more than it ever has before.
-We were looking at old photos. Some included my ex and us having a good time when we were younger. Many also included photos of my abuser. I don't keep photos of him in my house. I have about 2 photos with him in the background. This also lead to lots of Qs from DC. Who is he etc. They have met him a handful of times as a baby but don't remember him. He is dead now and as far as DCs are concerned I don't acknowledge that he ever existed and he was certainly never part of their lives.

Another crap 90min drive home.
My head is pounding (waiting for ibuprofen to kick in). My shoulders are agony from so much driving, walking round most of the day, and tension.
I am so tired but don't think I can shut off. Need to do somd reading for a bit to put some distance between my bad day and sleep.

Just needed a vent. Hugs to all.

Oh and the dc spent the whole time arguing in the car

ed that is hard going - and i can relate to so much too. Sometimes my past abuse still creeps up and grabs me. Similarly my abuser is dead too, and i have made a point of not going backwards in any way shape or form - and that includes going anywhere near the places it happened.

i found counselling enormously helpful regarding my past, but only because i found the right counsellor.

weirdly i also felt tempted backwards a bit the other night - i have not had any contact with my mother for 14 years now, nor my brother who i tried contact with 18 months ago now but it went horribly wrong - in no small part due to him being a drug addict (he was on heroin for 10 years) yet i felt compelled to go back and read the messages they sent me just 18 months ago.....for one moment i was tempted to unblock them from facebook and have a nosey....then common sense prevailed.

my abuser is unfortunately a blight on my wedding photos, but similarly i do not have any other pictures with him on them.

i can relate to such a lot of what you are feeling. And to make matters just a bit worse the house where i grew up for the first few year and was very happy has been renovated and is on the rental market....part of me wants to go and view it, but part of me holds those memories of being there very dear and im not sure i want to see the same house as its been hugely altered - it was in my family for 3 generations. and i was desperate to buy it but practicalities meant it just wasnt sensible. (plus after renovation it was well out of my price range....)

ed i think we need to allow ourselves a bit of a - wallow?? every now and then....as long as its temporary and as long as we maintain perspective and keep one eye on how very different our lives are now - that we are adults that have survived and made a choice to live our lives very differently - and i think thats a triumph. I find i spend less and less time thinking about the past - i put that down to having "rewind" therapy which is fantastic - cant recommend it highly enough. One 20 min session really helped me - it enables you to remember the past but without the emotional response you associated with it. I can now recall the abuse i suffered but not get upset about it. I found it a huge release to be able to recall things, but view them in a much more detached way. Its healing. Is rewind something you feel could benefit you? My counsellor sees private patients although i found her through occy health at work.....i dont think she is based a million miles from you either. I had about 8 sessions but just one session of the "rewind"....

Had a really weird dream last night about aliens and stuff, also had a dream about contacting the boy friend of my old best friend and telling him we were going to this party in a couple of weekends and him being a bit surprised at that. It's actually really put me off going, I don't think I can handle the pressure of it all, I don't know if I want to see anyone but I think that is such a shame for the kids and for DH because they would have a ball. It's just my illness throwing a spanner in the works again, I have made it impossible for us to go.

So a bit sad today but firm in my understanding that I will never have friends again, they just hurt me and if I had not have had such a close friendship with that person, we could still have gone and enjoyed the event.

Thanks vicar

It's wierd because as a child and at the time I didn't see ir feel what happened was wrong or bad. I knew it was 'naughty' and a secret but I wasn't at the time hurt physically or emotionally. It is only as a growing teen and adult that I feel hurt and only because I have since learnt how bafd it was. I think that seeing my feelings about it at the time as neutral at worst kind of hurts me more if that makes sense. And it is almost as if the only reason I feel so 'bitter' about it now is because culture tells me to feel bitter.

Anyway. It is something I don't think about day to day. I have no need to go back there ordinarily. My mum just needed a lift to an old neighbours. I was surprised at how it hit me. I think that it is just because the gaps between me having to face it are getting more spaced out. When my mum still lived with him I knew I would have to see him whenever I visited. Even when they seperated I knew I woukd have to visit once a year at Christmas. But now he is dead. Now my mum has moved. Now I have no links to ex's family I have no need to go within 15miles of the place. Everything has been locked away in my head and the key thrown away. I don't even flinch at tv storylines any more.

I think the fact that dcs were involved yesterday and that they were asking questions I wasn't able to answer honestly (ie I had to smile sweetly and explain that he was related to them when they were blissfully ignorant of his existance).

I feel absolutely ok day to day. One of my big fears though isthat I will have to face I again in my capacity as a teacher and child protection. That scares me. In the sense that I have no idea how I won't get to emotionally involved. I guess the chances of that happening are low.

I've never had counselling for it and apart from yesterday I would say I don't need it as I'm over it. Unfortunately I can't afford it either.

Anyways. Sorry for the rant and the vent. I actually slept ok with no repercussions.

filee I don't know your back story, but it zounds to me yhat you are punishing yourself heavily for something that has happened previously? Stay strong.

Sounds like challenging days for people (((( All ))))

Feeling bad feel like a fraud on this thread. Just want to sleep forever sorry guys

Hugs LEM Sounds like you're having a rough time Can anything distract you from the thoughts?

Lem why do you feel like a fraud on this thread?

I recall saying the same and we agreed that EVERYONE was welcome to post their challenges, anxieties and frustrations no matter how big or small.

So if not being able to find the tv remote has left you in a crumbling heap. That is a huge thing for you. Feel free to vent about it.

All of our challenges are personal to us. Do not compare the percieved magnitude of your issues to others. Vent away :)