Feel like I am drowning again, can't see which way to go

[SneakyHateSpiral]

I'm in a high pressure, stressful situation at the moment. I can't see it lasting for longer than six to eight weeks but I had a breakdown last year and whilst my mental health has been improving it is still very fragile. I don't have anyone to talk about this, DH is sympathetic but frustrated that it can't be fixed easily. I lost all my acquaintances after my breakdown and have no real friends as we have moved around so much for his job.

I don't feel as low as I did last year, but I'm sitting here alone in floods of tears and I'm really unhappy and can't think how to fix it. I feel like such a burden, I'm not really being a good parent right now and I just want to run away as fast as I can. I had counselling last year which helped, but I'm not entitled to anymore, can't afford any more and didn't really gel with the counsellor at my local surgery which is who I would be assigned to.

I really thought I was doing so well. I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me its all going to be OK, but I'm so introverted and aloof no-one would ever think of doing this in real life. Please someone, tell me what to do.

Why is learning to drive so important right now? Will you need to drive yourself to the university? Don't get me wrong, I think driving is a fantastic skill and incredibly useful, but it sounds as though it's become a real burden for you at the moment.

Thank you everyone else who has posted.

Bluestocking, they are in another department thats the embarrassing bit! They have jokingly suggested they will come in and kidnap me .

Some community support projects will come out and visit you at home, Spiral, so childcare might not be a barrier. Homestart might be an option, too. I know it's hard to accept help (I could write a book on that subject!) but it could be that there is a fantastic, supportive group very near you who could make a difference.

You might also want to look into recovery groups in your area (they often advocate solution-focussed work, which might give you a smile!)

Learning to drive would be easier and cheaper to get to university. Plus this is the first time in years where I have felt well enough to contemplate it, I had a major period of intrusive thoughts where I obsessively read and looked at pictures of road accidents and victims in an attempt to 'keep us safe'. Its also holding back my DCs from parties, activities and its really really hard to keep them occupied in the summer holidays.

DH is concerned about juggling phd and driving, he says it will be hard work and I will need to focus on it. I agree and I think it will be at least a year before I can face doing it again.

Plus if I don't persevere I think the guilt of the expense, wasted time and the feelings of being a failure would make everything ten times worse. I need to persevere in my head until at least september.

I had a Homestart volunteer with my first DC. She spent the whole time telling me that if I didn't get her baptised then she would go to hell. I didn't open the door when she brought her vicar to visit and they were so overstretched they couldnt find me another volunteer. Kind of put me off!

I haven't read that book, Devon, I'll have a look on Amazon for it now. My concentration span is shot to shit though.

True, I have certainly seen my fair share of idiots and numpties on the road.

I just need to avoid silly things in the test which is obviously harder than I expected!

Thank you all for your help, I'm feeling better, not as low as I was. I'm falling asleep so I am going to bed and will hope things look better in the morning.

Hope you've had a better day today, Spiral?

Thank you for asking Devon.

I had a bad nights sleep and was weepy all day (including in the local library which was embarrassing), but I have managed to keep it away from the kids.

By about 6pm I had regained a bit of equilibrium and when DH came home I sucked up my courage and told him I had had a wobble but was feeling a bit better. I think he was relieved that he wasn't here for it, but we discussed my worries and he reassured me that he was happy to throw as much time and money at learning to drive as I needed (I have a big problem spending money on myself and was beating myself up about how much money I had 'wasted' since failing the first time). He also made it clear that he didn't blame me at all. Then he phoned my mum and got her to come up at the weekend (I would never have asked as I have a problem asking people to do things for me) and she is happily coming up to look after the DC so I can practice manoevres etc in our car for several hours. He was happy because he fixed it all for me.

I think because I bottled it up and bottled it up, it needed to come out. Unloading really helped me put it in perspective and then I could talk about it a bit more calmly with DH, so now I have a plan for the future if this happens again. I'm trying to think positively and see this as a learning experience. When this happened in the past i used to self medicate with food and binge ate junk food and then i went the other way- punishing my body and mind with starvation, but I have managed to stop at one small bag of crisps and not go any further. Other than two spoons of peanut butter from the jar which i will regret tomorrow I have eaten well and healthily today.

I'm really grateful that you were all there last night, thank you all, you have no idea how much it meant to me that there was someone listening to me when i felt like I was going completely out of my mind. All these words and thoughts were circling in my head, spinning around and bouncing off each other and I didn't know what was real and what wasn't.