First baby 8 days old and I'm blue

[WinkyGirl]

My first baby is 8 days old. I am feeling very down, very weepy and unable to cope.

I had a long labour (33 hours) and spent a few days in hospital owng to a post-partum haemorrage and DD1 being in the special care unit because of meconium. Not sure if this is contributing to the problem.

All I seem to do is eat, sleep, breastfeed, comfort crying baby, change nappies and deal with chores. Am having to use breastshield as getting searing pain in nipples. DH is being wonderful. So is Mum. But I need some positive words from anyone who has got through this...
Please help.

Oh, god, the first 6 weeks suck. But they do pass. It's such a shock, and so wearying.

I got nasty weepyness a few days in with my first, too. Thankfully, it passed quick.

(Shields aren't a good idea. Searing pain in nipples - is it on latching on? Or on let down? If the former, please get yourself to a BFC?)

Are you managing to eat well? Are you managing to goof off a bit? (Read book, watch telly?) Why on earth are you doing chores?

oh bless you, Its all pretty normal the eat,sleep, breastfeed, hurt some more, nappies blah blah. Why dont you give an electrical breast pump a go so that you can make a couple of feeds up and give the boobies and you a rest.

oh winky girl - you are describing me after my first born - almost exactly - i thought my nipples were actually going to fall off they were so cracked

yes, there is life after birth - and it WILL get better - and you WILL feel better - my son is now 2 and i even went back again and have a 6 month old daughter

what you are feeling is very very natural and you are not at all alone or different

try to get out of the house is you can - i know that can seem incredibly hard, but it made an immense difference to me - even just going to the park, or over to a good friends house or an hour

also, do you have any friends nearby who have young children or babies? i found the support of other mothers INVALUABLE - if not, i highly recommend joining a few mother/baby groups to meet other mums - it seems hard at first but it really truly does help - we went to a music class which was a lot of fun and my son really did seem to enjoy it

I can remember all that socialising Koala, its really hard when you are feeling down to make the effort. I found that going to a good baby toddler group was good because you werent on a one to one with anyone. If you wanted the company but not the chat you could either participate or sit back and people watch. your HV could give you names or get someone to contact you who is in the same position.

WG - I could and did, cry at the drop of a hat in the first couple of months.....remember howling on my mum's shoulder and not being able to stop..trying to eat tea with tears running down my face....it passes, but, yes its hard. My neighbour had her first back in Feb and said its the hardest thing whe has ever done!

If you're managing to fit chores in you're doing (far) better than I did 8 days after ds was born!

Some people seem to sail through the first few months - thank god for Mumsnet and the realisation that all sane women feel like utter crap at first!

Try and make sure when you're breastfeeding that you have some crappy but humorous telly to watch, you need some laughs to cheer you up. Make sure someone (dh, mum, milkman - anyone!) takes the baby out for a walk in the afternoon so you can get some sleep - this was the best I ever slept because I knew I didn't have to listen out for the baby crying.

I am one of life's copers, and I just completely fell apart when ds was born - not just in the first 6 weeks but for months, on and off. I completely relied on my dh - for me at least, having a baby is a team sport, not a solo event. Don't feel you have to be Ellen Macarthur! (I think my analogy is getting away from me now).

Take it one day at a time. You are very far from being alone in finding it appallingly hard work. Take care of yourself.

Hi WinkyGirl. I promise it does get better - promise promise promise, but the beginning bit is just plain shitty. There are hundreds of others with 8 day old babies feeling exactly the same as you, which is not to negate how isolating it makes you feel.

The key I think is to get a little space for yourself and to give a little control up. You say your DH and your mum are great. Let them take dd for a walk and you have a kip or go for a walk yourself and get some fresh air. Feed her then run! She can survive without food for at least 2 hours so enjoy those 2 hours.

If you can afford it, how about getting a maternity nurse or a doula to do a few hours a week for you - you may feel more comfortable leaving dd with someone more experienced with babies than dh and mum???

i am due my 3rd child in a couple of weeks and am cacking it for these early sleepless relentless days and have refused to be a martyr. have been saving up since found out i was pregnant and have hired a maternity nurse for a few weeks to help out (i also have no family nearby). halos are very overrated so get all the help you can!

And please believe me and all the others who have posted - it does get better!!!!

Thanks everyone for such a quick response, your messages have made my day much more bearable. Its so comforting to know this will pass...

I have been out of the house with DH and Mum, going on walks and getting out in the car. At least once a day to "normalise." Every bit helps.

NotQuiteCockney - the pain is all through the feed. I did try without the shields yesterday and was in agony. I suppose I am being wimpy but I cannot really face not using them and worry that I would give up completely without them...

Winkygirl, be nice to yourself, your body has just done an incredible thing which was awesomely hard work and your hormones are all over the place atm. Let other people do things for you, ask for help if you need it, the first while with a newborn is hard. Welcome to mumsnet.

You're not being wimpy! Don't put yourself down, you're doing really well :)

Good advice about getting a BFC (I wish I'd done that!) and I'd just echo what everyone else has said - yep, it sucks at first but it DOES pass.

Nobody told me it would be horrible at first, it was all "oh, it'll all come naturally" (it didn't!), "its the best time of your life" (it wasn't!)

Again, I did it again and now have 2 beautiful children, hang on in there, come on here for moral support and bugger the chores! If your Mum/DH offer to do it, let them :) :) :)

winkygirl I stood in the kitchen when my dd1 was about 2 weeks old and wept as I said to dh "I've ruined our lives". I meant it too. But it DOES get better and I think the shock of long labour (dd1 was 52hours then emergency c/s under GA) has a huge effect for some of us let alone your dd being in SCBU. Really feel for you. I gave up b/f dd1 after 3 weeks too - not sure how much that was a relief or just added to my sense of failure. I worried too much about other people judging me - its a difficult time winkygirl so do try to find little oasis of peace/soemthing nice during the day albeit a cup of tea in a favourite mug or a walk down the garden (if you have one). Agree about the getting out of the house - you need fresh air and to be reminded that there is a world out there! (well, I did )

I know they aren't a good idea but I used nipple sheilds for the whole time I b/f dd2 (turned out to be for a year). Midwife said I mustn't, but one Health Visitor said after 3 or 4 weeks that if it was working for me and baby was "holding her own" regarding weight then proceed day by day - or even feed by feed. I think dd2 must've compensated with extra hard sucking!

Would definitely try a breast feeding councellor though - got excellent advice on positioning (this was with dd3 - I've never found b/f comes naturally for me). Watch out for that searing pain if it doesn't get better - thrush in nipples and the milk ducts can produce hideous pain. But don't listen to me, phone one of those nice breast feeding councellors - its what they're there for.
Big hugs xxx

Definitely get help with breastfeeding Winky - it should not be sore throughout a whole feed. Also don't be trying to do too much. Are you getting a sleep in the afternoon? You would be better sleeping while your mum and DH are out with baby for a walk. No need to be normalisisng as such just now - especially since you are still recovering from a traumatic experience.
I always cried my eyes out on day 8. It will get better but you need to ensure you get enough rest. Has your midwife seen your baby latched on?

Yes the midwife said the latch and positioning was fine. And that dd1 was feeding well. She hasnt lost too much weight.

Really pleased to hear that EmmyLou used shields for so long. My dd1 seems to get lots of milk out. (You should hear the swallowing!)

The midwife is coming tomorrow so I will talk through the b/feeding and blues with her.

In the meantime thanks for the continued support!

Good Luck and keep us posted WinkyGirl

If your midwife can't get your baby feeding without pain, please try to find a local breastfeeding group or BFC who can help you. You absolutely shouldn't be putting up with pain while feeding, but you ideally shouldn't be using shields either. They're not great for supply, and are a faff, too.

Agree with NQC - shields are a faff and make feeding more 'revealing' when out and about later on. I didn't contact a bfc with first two dds as had stupid idea about not wanting to bother people. You won't be bothering them - I even had a home visit from a bfc to check I was doing everything right!

stillnot sure what you eman about the pain. if it is cracked nipples etc then lansinoh is good. definitely find a breastfeeding counsellor/support group. i found i met a lot of people, usulaly with similar problems and you get a support group for more than just feeding.

Oh WinkyGirl, your description sounds pretty much par for the course, I have to say. Especially after a hard labour and a stressful time post delivery. Go easy on yourself. Stop trying to do chores. They really don't need doing, or if they do, get your dh or mum to do them. Just rest, eat well, drink plenty and sleep whenever you can. That and tend to your baby is all you need to do right now. It can be hard to let go and just go with the flow, but honestly, this time doesn't last for long!

Oh and congratulations on your dd!

Winky, Can I add that even when I had problems with the breastfeeding and all that discomfort, I did go to the breast feeding clinic for some help but still never really mastered the art. So what I am trying to say is if it still doesnt work even after all the advice then dont worry about it. I gave up and popped him on the bottle and do you know what I got my life back.

Haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to say hold on tight, it's all normal stuff. It will get better, you're in the middle of the worst bit right now. It's ok to feel down and cry, it's probably good to let it all out. Chocolate helped me, only problem is I'm now an addict and last baby is now 3 1/2. Oh and do not feel guilty - it's not allowed.

We've all been there. You'll just keep falling through the days and things will sort themself out on their own. Just accept that its a huge change and allot to learn and get used to. Don't be hard on yourself, try not to worry to much. I look on those days with great nostalgia now, although I know I found it very hard at the start.

The only advise I'll give is try and stick with the breastfeeding. For most people it's a nightmare at the start but hold out against adversity and you and your baby will reap the benefits for a long time. I remember I could just grab my baby, leave the house with some spare nappies and go where I wanted for as long as I wanted. That kind of freedom is invaluable. He didn't have a cold until his was 7 months old too!

Keep smiling. They grow up so fast.

All sounds pretty normal -- although doing chores ?!?!? No way was I doing that 8 days pp.

I agree your mw is not necessarily (indeed, is probably not) a bf expert. See someone who is and you may find it improves no end. There are some women who find bf painful throughtout a feed even when umpteen experienced bf counsellors have examined their latch and can find nothing wrong, but they are very rare and it's unlikely that you are one of them. Seek a second opinion from a specialist. And if that doesn't work, seek a third opinion. I didn't have a discomfort problem with bf but didn't really appreciate (even after courses etc.) quite how semi-permanently he was going to be latched on to begin with. After the first 8 weeks it was great though and I was so glad I'd stuck with it even through all the weepy hormonal can't-take-any-more bits.

Stop doing chores, your dh and your mum have plenty of time to do those for you. They haven't had a PPH (or a 33 hour labour).

Cut your list right down to breastfeed, eat and sleep. Other people can do all the other stuff.

But I do think going out is a good idea, just for a little while each day. Even just having 10 minutes sitting outside in the sun was blissful for me.