First baby 8 days old and I'm blue

[WinkyGirl]

My first baby is 8 days old. I am feeling very down, very weepy and unable to cope.

I had a long labour (33 hours) and spent a few days in hospital owng to a post-partum haemorrage and DD1 being in the special care unit because of meconium. Not sure if this is contributing to the problem.

All I seem to do is eat, sleep, breastfeed, comfort crying baby, change nappies and deal with chores. Am having to use breastshield as getting searing pain in nipples. DH is being wonderful. So is Mum. But I need some positive words from anyone who has got through this...
Please help.

Good for you! You have to do what you think is best and follow your gut instinct, which I know is very difficult in the early days, but you will learn to trust it!

It is easy for others to judge, but you must do what feels right for you. As long as you are and your baby are safe and happy, that is all that matters.

Winkygirl,

IGNORE ALL THE STUFF ON THE NET ABOUT SHIELDS AND FEEDING. Do whatever works for you and your child. You are doing fantastically well, and who cares if you are using shields? Your baby certainly doesn't! If the shields work for you, then use them.

Take care x

Know how you are feeling. I felt just the same a year ago. For me breastfeeding was a nightmare and it was a very traumatic experience. As much as I wanted to breastfeed, to be honest, the day I decided to switch to formula and bottles, it felt that a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders and for the first time I started to begin to cope and get to know my daughter. Although most breastfeeding advocates will shoot me down in flames, if the BF is a nightmare and you have really tried your best, don't feel guilty about changing to formula. If it means a happier mum and baby then I would do what you have to. Breast feeding IS best, but it's not the end of the world.
And, like everyone says, things do get better - you just have to take one day at a time, try and get out a bit. Don't spend all day at home - you will go mad.

I can't remember where but isn't there some society where new mothers have to stay in bed with the baby for 40 days and do nothing but BF and be brought meals, and the entire village comes round and looks after the house and whatever. That's what we should be aiming for...!

Winkygirl I'm another who went through exactly what you describe, and it was fine by about 6 weeks. Just let yourself cry as much as you want, look after yourself and let everyone look after you.

"The only reason the 'professionals' don't like them is because they aren't perceived as 'natural', and HVs these days aren't allowed to recommend anything incase they get sued. (Mine couldn't even recommend anything for colic or nappy rash fgs).
"

sorry not true

shields can seriously diminish your supply and don't help at all with a poor latch (which is the problem here I would say).obviously some people manage with them but everyone I know who has used them has ended up giving up bfeeding soon after...sorry.

Yes but a lot of people on this thread have used them successfully for ages

agree with jambot - do whatever feels best winkiegirl.
I had real problems bfing with dd2 and had to give up totally at around 5 or 6 weeks and I have never looked back.
Good luck. BTW there is a good homeopathic remedy called phytolacca which I used for mastitis ( which I had 3 times - nice) and floradix liquid iron supplement is also very good although expensive.
you honestly will feel better - it's just so f***g hard at first, but you have lots of sympathy and empathy here anyway!
and use the shields if they help!

Big hugs Winkygirl.

Just take each day - each feed, each meal for you as it comes. It can be so hard to re-adjust your timescales when you've had a baby. We are so used to thinking and planning days, weeks, months ahead and this constant looking forward helps keep the driving force of life going. Reducing days to miciscule chunks like having a tiny baby does make things feel very slow and introspective - like wading through dark treacle.

Are your anxiety attacks be linked to the labour and birth? You have been through a lot. Do try to get outside - the daylight on your (and baby's) skin is important (I think i was told 20 mins a day for your body to make Vitamin D) and I found it helped quell those "I'm being smothered/drowning" feelings.

Agree with Emmylou to take each day as it comes. I couldn't look too far forward.

Another morning of feeling very low. DH is trying to be supportive but I think he is getting a bit fed up with me. (Hope you guys arent!) He told me this morning that I just dont want the responsibility of DD. Not true - all I want in the world is to feel happy.

Still on the sepia and hoping it will start kicking in very soon. Health visitor coming for the first time today.

DD is 12 days old, this low feeling/anxiety has been here for 4 days now. Surely it will end soon?????

WinkyGirl - i've already replied to you on the Postnatal thread but thought i would do one here too!

I suffered quite badly with the whole anxiety thing with DD. Kept thinking back to my life before i had her and almost felt a sense of loss for that child-free life. I really do believe that i grieved the freedom and easy life i had before.

All of a sudden i had this little person to take care of and be responsible for and it really scared me tbh.

I became anxious about things that never bothered me before and sometimes couldnt even eat due to nerves. Taking her to a baby group was terrifying, i worried about everything and generally wasnt much fun. BUT it did pass.

I cried alot, found it difficult o switch off and sleep when i was physically shattered and then felt guilty for feeling that way as she was everything i had ever wanted. I felt that i was odd for having these feelings.

I must admit, i havent read the rest of this thread yet so dont know what other replies you've had but all i can say is that what you're feeling right now is so so so normal and please dont beat yourself up over it. You could be me 3 and a half years ago

I will post again once i've had the chance to read the other posts - hope you have a good day today and please remember this will not last XXXX

Winkygirl, it could go on for a few weeks (sorry just being honest!) but talk to your HV about it and you will get help if you need it. As for your DH, he needs to understand that what you are going through is completely normal - show him this thread (or parts of it!) if he doesn't realise how many people have felt exactly the same as you. Tell him it is your hormones, not you and feeling anxious and low does not mean you don't want responsibility, just that it's a big adjustment (as it is for him!).

Remember you can keep talking to us on here when you feel down.

WG, what you're feeling is pretty common. But please do not think you have to put up with it, that life is bound to stretch on in this miserable fashion for ages.

Personally I don't think that anxiety attacks are 'just one of those things': they are NOT a routine part of new motherhood. Set yourself a deadline, maybe 3 days, a week if you can stand it (I know time crawls when you're low, so maybe a week is an unbearable prospect), and see if you feel any better. If not maybe you need to go back to your GP/HV and ask for some more help. But do tell the HV today everything you have told us.

I had those awful ups and downs as well, it's exhausting beyond words. I can't tell if you have PND (though I'm glad it's on your radar) I did. Recognised it in week 3, felt hugely relieved that there was a reason why I was feeling like this, took a very mild AD and fairly quickly life looked totally different lovely, in fact. I feel so thankful I got the chance to enjoy DS's babyhood, instead of dragging myself through the months, as I did when DD was tiny.

I hope you get out of this hateful bit soon.

Hows the feeding (baby and yourself) going Winkygirl?

Wise words from Bakedpotato - I soldiered on for months with dd1 feeling v. low. Could behave fine enough in company but fell apart when on my own with dd1. Really affected bonding with dd1. Still feel some guilt about this and wonder about the repercussions on our relationship today. Didn't realise just how blighted those first months with my first baby were until I had DD2 and basked in the glow of successful bonding, breast feeding (OK, with shields but who cares!) and feeling generally that all was well.

Sorry - got distracted by dd3 - meant to go on to say that if you don't feel right, you probably aren't right. Do as Bakedpotato says and get help if you don't feel an improvement soon.

We (me, the Health Visitor and the Midwife) have set a target of Monday. If I am not significantly better by then I will go on to antidepressents. I am not happy about it but have finally accepted it is not good for me to go on feeling like this.

Having said that I am feeling more encouraged by the sepia. Today I felt very low 6am - 9.15am, then happy until 1pm (managed to give DD her first bath!) and then low until 3pm. Just started feeling low again now but nowhere near as bad. I am able to keep things in perspective:-

1. I will not feel like this forever
2. This low patch will pass
3. I will return to normal soon
4. I have a team of health professionals and loved ones and mumsnetters who are looking out for me and who are determined to get me better asap.

I have also spoken to Sheila Kitzinger who believes that I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder owing to the trauma of the labour and hospital stay. I can see her point of view because I first posted this thread on the day after I spent hours pouring out my feelings about the birth into my diary...So EmmyLou I think you are right that this has been triggered by the birth...

The good news is that I asked the Health Visitor to explain to DH what causes these ups and downs. He is now being much more supportive...AND he has said he will do the nightfeed tonight so I can sleep through!

Sorry for the long thread. Heres hoping that every low patch will get shorter and less intense. I promise to be a faithful mumsnetter and repay all your kindness.

WinkyGirl, that seems very sensible. You sound like you have a good team looking out for you. Brilliant that your DH has got his head around it. It's all a bit baffling to outsiders, esp people who are panicked by someone they love falling apart, so all credit to him for grasping what he can do to help you feel better.
If it comes to ADs, well, someone on MN when I was diagnosed with PND and very fearful of going on meds said that ADs were like stabilisers on a bike, you only need them to steady you for a bit. I was on them for 9 mths, no probs with stopping.
Thinking of you and wishing you some peace.

Winkygirl - well done.

Wow! - you actually spoke to Sheila Kitzinger??? I've heard so much about her and read bits of her books that have been passed to me but am massively impressed that you spoke to her - I read a book called The Ceasarian Experience with a forward by SK some months after dd1 was born and I remember it being like a light going on in my head - to read that of course I would feel the way I did after such a long labour followed by C/S under general anaesthetic. Thinking about it - I had forgotton about the book until you mentioned SK - just that acknowledgement of what you have been through helps enormously doesn't it.

Winkygirl I really hope you are beginning to get things sorted and I can really relate to the fact that she thinks it could be post traumatic stress. Well done for talking about it and getting help. That takes courage and resilience at a time like this too.

Well done WinkyGirl - your last post sounds so much more positive. All your four points are spot on. It sounds as though you have a v. sensible HV - make sure you keep talking to her whenever you need to.

Good for DH for taking on the late feed - I found that so important in the early weeks with DS, as it meant I could go to bed whenever I wanted, and maybe even get in 4 or 5 hours sleep before the middle of the night feeds. Once you're getting that amount of sleep in a stretch, it does make a difference.

I hope tomorrow goes well. Take it one day at a time. Or one hour at a time! Xxx

Thinking of you! Let us know how you feel on Monday - hope the sepia is having an effect.

Feeling more positive each day although still quite low to be honest. The good thing is that I am no longer suffering the really bad black anxiety that I had last week.

The Doctor has been today and is pleased with my progress. He says that I should continue to feel better and better but if I dont I should request ADs.

So Im going to try to keep busy and look forward to my DD's first smile and first sleep through the night...These things will make all this worthwhile.

Love to everyone that has helped me. I have been overwhelmed by the response and will be an active Mumsnetter to repay your kindness. xx

I'm glad you're feeling a little bit stronger WinkyGirl. Just take each day as it comes and take comfort in the small achievments.

pleased you are feeling a bit brighter.

Hi winky girl and all u other girls

1st of all BIG HUG 2 u - the first few weeks are so hard, tiring and stressful. We have been there. my wee baby is 7month and i also felt awful in first 6-7 week

to hell with the chores girl - you come first- bit of dust, pile of laundry, dirty dishes let 'em pile up and take care of yourself
so phone a pizza,
get ur groceries delivered(rememnber to include a wee bottle of wine!!)
can you express and ur DH feed the wee one?

watch some junk telly
lounge about in your PJ's
go get your hair done
ask ur HV for any meet new mums groups try take a wee short walk just to get out
do some internet shopping for perfume or cosmetics etc 2 cheer u up

i know it does not seem it yet but it does get better, it honestly does. Keep checking in with MN it does help to discuss it. Cos i had such high unrealistic expectations after my 1st baby i really did believe a few days and id be right again - 2 many hello type mags of all these celeb mums gleaming and gushing after birth

Best wishes