First baby 8 days old and I'm blue

[WinkyGirl]

My first baby is 8 days old. I am feeling very down, very weepy and unable to cope.

I had a long labour (33 hours) and spent a few days in hospital owng to a post-partum haemorrage and DD1 being in the special care unit because of meconium. Not sure if this is contributing to the problem.

All I seem to do is eat, sleep, breastfeed, comfort crying baby, change nappies and deal with chores. Am having to use breastshield as getting searing pain in nipples. DH is being wonderful. So is Mum. But I need some positive words from anyone who has got through this...
Please help.

Winky, As the others have said, what you are feeling is entirely normal. My DS is 9 days old (so I think the same age as yours) and all I seem to do is spend time feeding him or doing washing! I haven't done any other chores - the carpet has not been hoovered since before he was born (I must get round to it today!)

I also wanted to say that when my DD was born I used nipple shields to feed her at the beginning. She was quite small (5lbs 15oz) and had difficulties latching on. She also spent 24 hrs in SCBU and was on antibiotics for an eye infection which I think affected her appetite. I managed to wean her off the nipple sheilds when she was about 6 weeks old. I found that some of the midwives and health visitors were very anti nipple shields while others were quite positive (it's better to use them than to give up breastfeeding etc). My DD is now a healthly (and very active) 3 yr old so it did her no harm at all!

It does get better and your baby will soon settle into some sort of routine. Lack of sleep really makes me feel down so try and sleep when your baby sleeps and leave the chores to someone else.

Hi Everyone

I've looked up the number of a breastfeeding counselling service and I will ring them today.

Thanks to your messages I just managed to stay ok enough to eat my breakfast. I've noticed that I feel really miserable at mealtimes (like BlackDuck says - tears rolling into dinner!) and especially first thing in the mornng.

I am trying to think to the future and in about 2 months everything will feel much better...

winkygirl, stop the chores. Give yourself a set time just to be nice to yourself in, say 6 weeks (I think shelia kitzinger calls this the babymoon?) Get to know your baby. Take her for walks, show her the trees, buy yourself flowers, eat lots of very good quality chocolate (for the magnesium and iron, obviously). Screw the chores. Use paper plates and eat outside a lot. Make life very very easy for yourself.

Spend the time creating a wonderful first month with your baby.

Honestly, you will never get this opporunity again, unless you wait 20 years to have your next baby!

And don't watch the news. I always remember turning on the news the day after I got back with dd-it was 7/7/05! Something light and funny and easy. Treat yourself to a dvd.

Just be nice to yourself. Don't rush. If everyone else won't help you, screw 'em.

Fillyjonk - funny what you said about the news. After ds3 was born it was the Iraq war and I spent many an hour lying on the bed, breastfeeding and watching News 24. I have to admit though, it just washed over me.

WinkyGirl, whereabouts in the country are you? Perhaps you are near a lovely Mumsnetter who could cook you a meal or do a bit of hoovering for you. I would if you were near me.

Hey winkygirl - hope you're feeling a little better today. Just wanted to add that I also found b'feeding v painful to begin with, and after seeing a lovely bf counsellor it got a lot better. It was still uncomfortable for a little while, as my breasts healed, but soon it was like falling off a log and I went on to feed for 8 months which was great as I so nearly gave up. Good luck, and well done on getting out and about - I'm sure I stayed huddled on the sofa with ds1 for weeks after he was born!

winkygirl - motherhood is an enormous shock to the system, so your feelings are pretty normal sounding. do you like to talk to people over the phone? try crysis (even if yr baby is just a normal crier) or even the Samaritans. they can help you off load and provide a constantly sympathetic ear. you can also talk to them in a way which is sometimes difficult with those close to you. will try and find their numbers.

Winkygirl, there is a pro-shields article in this month's issue of Junior pregnancy and baby. If you have a Waitrose nearby they usually stock it there.

I have no idea what the pros and cons of them are, but if it works for you go for it!!! I suspect you will do much better with some good advice from a counsellor, but if your nipples are really sore, until then I think its a bit of a no brainer.

Shifts, that's how we managed it. If you can express enough for a couple of feeds, go sleep while your partner takes the strain, rest is important for you to make milk and recover. And for Gods sake, forget about the bloody housework! It's not as important as your sanity!

I had a 37 hour labour and I really think that didn't help me cope with the first few days. I also had a hell of a time breastfeeding ended up back in the postnatal ward while my DD had jaundice and I was building up my milk supply under supervision feeling utterly shattered and useless, crying the whole time. Phone the NCT's breastfeeding support line, I wish I had.

As far as silly TV goes, I was watching the second series of the Mighty Boosh and the first series of Lost to keep me sane in the evenings. I also insisted on taking the 5am onwards shift on Sundays so I could watch the fabulously cheesy "Hour of Power"- Sky TV's religious programming. Kitsch at it's best!

Just remember that "This too shall pass".

Oh and I used shield briefly too, just to give one boob a break. They were helpful but probably best just short term.

if of any use: Crysis 08451 228 669 (run by parents)
Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90

Winky my DS is now 12 weeks. My second child and it was still so hard! What got me through was thinking about the future! I remember with DD feeling really guilty about this, thinking to myself "I should be enjoying this time...everybody says this is such a special time" but the truth is that the first few days/weeks can be SOOOOOOO hard. Of course they are 'special', but that doesn't make them fun or easy!

Go into your DDs room and look at her 3-6 or 6-9 month clothes and imagine the lovely litte girl you DD will become. I love doing that! That time will be here soon so hang in there.

Blimey sounds like your describing the way i felt with my 1st & 2nd after 8 days.

It's still very earely days, all your hormones are still all over the place & you will feel very unbalanced, i think 90% of women are if not more. Its an emotional ride but you will get there in the end & you will think it was all well worth it< i can be very tuff with the !st its all new you life has just changed dramatically but please dont worry you will get over the feeling down emotional stage it just takes time

CONGRATULATIONS

I have just spent DS's nap time reading replies on this thread, wish I could have read similar on return home with DS now aged 6mths.

Agree with everything that's been said. I stayed awake until the early hours watching DVD's, big packet of favourite popcorn and nibbles to hand and b/f on demand. DH and I would take turns at sleeping with baby as he has never taken to his cot and we co-sleep. Would drape him over my chest and sleep that way on sofa/bed/wherever, feed him, take him for walks during the day and avoid housework like the plague.
I burst into tears on Day 10 when my dad pushed me to do the 3 mile walk to local town (you need exercise, get rid of fat etc..) It got a bit much, felt like It was me who had just left the womb & was subject to noise, smoke, busy streets etc. C-sec scar started to ache too and jumped on bus home. I then resorted to small 10 minute walks everyday just to feel alive. DS would fall asleep when out which was another bonus.
My dad was around, sometimes more of a hinderance than a help but he took baby for a couple of hours in the morning so I could go back to bed. I started doing housework soon after as I had missed pottering around, being ill during pregnancy and too big to do anything towards the end I really enjoyed it.

Hope this hasn't been too much of a mammoth post but it really brought back memories of those first few weeks and no matter how I'm made to feel about giving up b/f or my c-sec I think I have done the the best thing ever in my whole life!

I had a baby :o

Congratulations! Treat yourself, take baby for walks (was winter when DS was small, make most of lovely weather), watch a fav movie, I specifically remember 'Spanglish' it made me weep. All the best x

i had this at 10 days too

it is hormones and it will pass if you let it - ie rest rest rest and spoil yourself

I watched loads of telly, did nothing except bfeed and laze around

bliss

I think pretty much everyone has felt like you, i totaly fell apart after dd was born, but i can't echo enough what other people have said, it will get better.
I remember i felt basicaly like a cow covered in sick and other bodily fluids for the first 10 weeks or so!
I'm so glad you have a supportive DH and mum, don't be afraid to lean on them. Take it easy and spend loads of time glued to the sofa in front of some nice comfy films (this saved my sanity!) Don't run around trying to fit in loads of chores, this is an important time for you to relax as much as you can.
Take care honey xx

Winkygirl I can completely relate to how you are feeling - you could be describing me and my experience with DS. Had PPH and blood transfusion and then the relentless cycle of looking after a new born to contend with while being very aneamic. I remember sitting in the bathroom at home in tears trying to work out who I could give Ds to so that I could get back on my feet. I'd had so many experiences during DS's birth that on their own would have been a shock and then finding that you have a baby to care for just made the whole thing much harder to recover from I felt.

It does get easier

I suddenly found about 6 or 7 weeks that something felt easier - couldn't tell you what - but it definately did.

Stuff the chores
Sleep when the baby sleeps or prefer the idea of sleeping while someone else takes the baby out for a walk you can totally relax then.

See if you can get some help from a breast feeding support - and talk to the fab ladies on the feeding threads they are mine of information,

I had horrendous problems with feeding - used nipple sheilds briefly too again that did get easier probably about the same sort of time 4 - 5 weeks ish.

You need time and space to heal you too

Are you on iron supp's? I found they made me feel very sick so switched to a liquid brand which helped - but ask your HV/MW.

Take care and hope today is a better day.

h x

hi,

firstly, yes i (and a gazzillion others) do know how you feel and the first thing to to is forgive yourself for feeling this way... you are doing a fabulous job, im positive, and it will all get better, easier, happier. hang in there kid!

what you need, is one of these: \link{http://www.kiddicare.com/invt/bbsgfsprcakalnopentpsge\baby swing}
i have had 3 babies in as many years and the third is the first one i had one of these for... believe me it made all the difference. you feed them, thenput them down in here and, depending on your child and their mood etc, you get between 20 minutes and 4 hours of precious luxurious time to yourself to do whatever you want with. like having a nice hot bath and a glass of wine at 10oclock in the morning when youve been up all night.

i would send you mine, but we're still getting a bit of use out of it (ds3 is 4 months now)

Same message as everyone else...the first 3 months are the VERY hard. Even though people say it's partly a chemical reaction, you forget that your body may just be all over the place and put your feelings down to not being able to cope.

Expecting baby No2 now so I guarantee you it gets a whole lot better.

Winky girl you've had lots of fab advice ! I won't repeat it except to say

NO CHORES

Except maybe just throw washing in machine (dh + mum can unload, sort, iron etc)

If you don't have enough help with cooking, buy lots of top quality ingredients that you can just assemble rather than cook, eg farmhouse cheddar, good parma ham, deli salads. Will be healthier than ready meals.

And SLEEP IN THE DAY. Getting outside is great for morale, but sleep comes first. In a week or two you'll feel so much better.

Trust me. After ds1 was born (failed induction , nightmare contractions, 2 days in hospital without sleep before he arrived, failed epidural, huge episiotomy etc etc) I felt utterly low and hopeless. Cried loads...Developed some kind of post pregnancy stress based hive type itching over my whole body. Even got mastitis twice in the early days. in short, it was all really shitty !

But really soon I felt transformed. Not because he slept well or anything, but your hormones will subside and soon even the hard bits seem manageable.

BUT YOU NEED TO REST TO SPEED THIS PROCESS UP.

I now have 3 other children too, inc 2 home births. I got better at pacing myself in terms of chores etc and felt great sooner and sooner after each one.

Last time dh (who is in a demanding "long hours" profession) had an unbreakable work commitment starting 3 weeks after my due date. Ds3 was a week late...for a fortnight i was utterly pampered - no cooking, no chores (maybe just a bit of laundry) and definitely no food shopping ! I almost got bored just seeing to the newborn, but I knew I'd have to cope with 4 kids and all that entails, just 2 weeks after the birth. Well I'm here to tell the tale. I was doing everything a fortnight after the birth; the trick was I'd had almost total rest leading up to that.

Good luck.

Oh and the breastfeeding gets better and better...hang on in there ! I bf all my 4 until they self weaned, any time from 9m to 20m.

can i add something that might seeem dumb but drink water. you will need loads, you are bf but might not realise you are dehyrdrated cos you're also losing lots of water after the birth (you need new water in there now). if you want buy fruit juices and sparkling water, just remember to drink!

Being dehydrated will make you tired and grumpy, IME.

um - havnt read other posts (sorry! time at a premium!), but have you heard of tongue tie?
try to see if you can get a midwife or doc who actually knows what theyre doing to check if your LO has one, because if they do then they cant latch on properly, no matter how much you follow proper latching-on instructions. and if theyre not latched on properly it hurts like mad! as you well know.

ds3 had a very mild one, was missed at 10 day check, but thankfully picked up by my own midwife who referred me to somewhere to get it snipped (sounds awful but is basically painless and bloodless) and lo and behold, he could get on properly and breastfeeding was once again a happy experience.

i am pretty sure, in retrospect, that ds1 had the same prob, but no-one ever mentioned it then and i just struggled through. ds2 was fine.

anyway, sorry to go on - there are threads on here which tell you much more and in more readable detail im sure. feel free to CAT me if you want me to elaborate or answer any questions.

sorry to bang on at you, but here is the actual model of swing we have \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0002VZ200/ref=cm_rv_thx_view/202-4153487-6643069?%5Fencoding=UTF8\swing seat sanity saver} .

let me know if you cant afford it and i'll send you mine. xxx

Thanks NappiesGalore I have just ordered one from Amazon.

Still feeling really glum. Midwife is coming this afternoon. And my friend and her partner who is in mental health nursing. I know Im not that bad but thought it would be useful to have a chat.

Thanks to you Mumsnetters I know it will get better I just need to try things to keep my spirits up.

WinkyGirl, remember we are all here for you in the May group too. Feel free to come on and get things off your chest. Glad you have ordered a baby swing. I have one for my ds and it is a godsend to actually be able to sit down and eat, or when I need to get dd up and ready for nursery school.

Things do get better, have a good chat with the midwife this afternoon and make sure you relax a lot. All the chores can wait till your dh gets home. I used to just hand him the baby as he walked in and then gladly get off the sofa and get on with the chores while I had some time to myself without the baby. At other times, I wanted to still cuddle the baby so I'd give him the list of things to get done. Let things slide for a while. No one will come to any harm if the cleaning and washing up isnt done for a few weeks. If you have no time to cook then eat salads and sandwiches and drink lots of juice and water in this weather if you are feeding.

Thinking of you hugs