How do I get out of this hole?

[clareabouts]

I'm newly separated from my husband and struggling. I'm on Sertraline which I think is helping, but I'm also drinking too much and getting myself into silly scrapes, and trying to boost my ego by meeting up with exes and never-weres, which is temporarily soothing but leaves me feeling flat and more miserable. I have always had low self-esteem and it gets worse when I get drunk and seek reassurance. It's also potentially threatening to my career, because I don't work as well when I'm tired and hung over, and I really love my job and want to do well in it.

I've been to several therapists over the years and I think I've got as far as understanding how I got to where I am, but never managed to actually change it.

I don't have children - we tried, but it didn't happen. I'm living alone and my friends mostly have busy lives. I don't know how to tackle the drinking and I don't know how to stop feeling so lonely and sad. I've been sad all my life, but now it's becoming all I am, instead of just an aspect of me.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Stop drinking, pour all the alcohol in the place down the drain, take all the empties to the bin and never accept another bottle into the house. And go to AA.

Try out some new sports or other activities instead of new/old men! Find something you feel you could get reasonably good at with a bit of practice and get involved with a local sports club (or craft club, or whatever type of activity it is) and make some friends, help support the club and community and become a part of the support network. Be reliable and help others.

I do some of those things - I go to Pilates and I go out running. And I recently contacted the local old people's home to ask about volunteering, but I haven't heard back.

The idea of never drinking again terrifies me. It's all bound up with this need to have my arms wrapped around a man, because I've never had a relationship that didn't start with booze. And the need for physical closeness goes back to some childhood experiences which have left me quite permanently damaged. So for me, not drinking means writing off the possibility of love. I KNOW that isn't true, but it's what it feels like.

There is an AA meeting up the road in an hour, though. Maybe I should go along. It's not like I have anything better to do.

I want to add that I don't drink every day, and never when I'm alone and almost never at home. But when I do drink, I drink too much.

I'm not meaning to be hard on you, but I do have an alcoholic friend who has broken many hearts, and is busy killing himself by fast destroying his liver and saying he isn't an alcoholic, and doesn't drink (but always brings a box of wine bottles when he comes to stay.)

If you have low self esteem that gets worse when you're drunk and you're seeking reassurance, ask yourself what kind of man you are going to attract. Users and abusers is who, so don't do it. That is not love, it is them taking advantage of you, and showing a lack of commitment and respect for you before things have even begun. Move on.

You could join a running club, and help with coaching.

It's nice that you've volunteered at the local old people's home, I hope that works out for you. It isn't quite what I meant though (I had in mind somewhere with more people your own age) but maybe it is what would suit you best in your circumstances (I don't know).

You don't have to be drinking every day to be dependant on alcohol. I have (an imaginary) different dependency on the stuff and currently there is none of the hard stuff in my house until the black dog has left me.

Did you go to the AA meeting?

Come on clareabouts face your terrors and count your blessings. At least you don't have a man who doesn't love you with his arms wrapped around you! Feck 'em!

If you do want a relationship with a man, it's far more likely to start if you are happy with yourself and your life, happy doing something other than getting drunk or looking for... a man to cling to.

Yes, I went to the meeting. It was good, although I'm not sure about the god stuff. I will go to another one, though.

And yes, I do know I won't get relationships right until I feel better about myself. But knowing it is different from being able to live with it and make a change. The alcohol isn't the root of the problem - it just creates new problems to go alongside the old one. So I guess I can stop drinking, but how do I stop being sad? If pills, therapy, exercise and having a job I love don't help, what's left to try?

Sorry for sounding so whiney. I just need to find a way to imagine that I won't always feel like this.

I meant to say thank you for making me go; I wouldn't have thought of it if you hadn't suggested it. And thanks for "face your terrors and count your blessings", too - it's a mantra to remember.

I also can't sleep for more than ninety minutes at a time, and haven't for weeks. This is probably affecting my mental state too, because I am permanently exhausted. Can the doctor give me something to help me sleep, do you think?

Well done going to the meeting! (I'd forgotten about the god aspect to it, but I've heard of a lot of non believers who have made that kind of thing work for them without changing their beliefs).

'The alcohol isn't the root of the problem - it just creates new problems to go alongside the old one. So I guess I can stop drinking, but how do I stop being sad? If pills, therapy, exercise and having a job I love don't help, what's left to try?'

Well, feeling sad is one emotion, and a good one which has an important part to play in life. To not feel sad ever again would be to be a bit unhinged and disconnected from the rest of humanity. To only feel sad though (or fear, shame, or anger, or a rotation of those) is horrible, in my experience. In my experience counselling helps, also getting checks/tests to see if there is anything causing depression/sleep disturbance and getting treated for it. Survival is always a good ploy! And to make the most of every tiny bit of good/fun/happy in healthy and creative ways, leaving reminders around too, like photos and souvenirs.

Making the terrors come out of hiding, naming them, and getting them into perspective is hard work (hard thinking) but well worth it. Counselling helped me do that and I've signed up for another lot for a new load of terrors which have crept in and made themselves at home with me and suddenly made themselves apparent when I least need them!

I'm sorry to hear that, and thanks for your advice. I guess the immediate cause of the depression and sleeplessness is the breakup of my marriage, which only happened six weeks ago, but I also know that the underlying sadness goes back much further.

I am going to ask the GP for advice on sleeping. I had a good Sunday and went for a long run and I hoped I'd get a clear night's sleep, but no.

Thanks again for replying, it really does help.

Hang in there - sertraline can take up to 3 months to start working properly- and alcohol dampens down the effect too - so you might need a while longer to properly see the results.
Sertraline can also affect your sleep patterns - add that in to a huge life change (relationship break up) and you choosing to confront the alcohol stuff is all pretty massive. I guess what I'm saying is small baby steps and be very kind to yourself - you are doing amazingly well x

Thank you, it's good to hear that. I'm very up and down but this thread has already been really helpful.

You are doing amazingly well, that is worth saying again, and worth repeating to yourself.

Only six weeks ago? SIX WEEKS??? well then, you are doing really well, and no wonder it is hard right now. Also worth repeating is to be very kind to yourself (also pile on the healthy choices, in the kindest ways possible).

There might be another, physical cause of the sleeplessness, it can be a symptom of a number of things. However I know myself that unnecessary guilt can keep me awake at night, and that can be sorted out by talking it out with a counsellor too.

Hi just read your posts,I feel relieved to have read your post
l have been, drinking too much, anxiety, work stress since jan,l teach and have been observed watched by line managers since then,l finally caved in last week,stupidly just before my last observation.
I have worked there 24yrs.seen my doctor and finally asked to be signed off 2 weeks.
Took my first sertraline 2 nights ago woke up panicky and spaced out,so didnt take one last night,thought i take half to night as need to try to get out of this black hole l have been refered for CTB,due next week, dont like the thought of AD especially mixing with alcohol,l was honest with my doctor,it took a lot of courage,and l glad after so long lm taking steps to help myself,but what are the effects if l want a few glasses of wine on friday?

Hi Twinky. Great that you've got a CBT referral already - I might ask for the same when I see my GP. On the antidepressants only you can decide, but I think it's worth sticking with them if you can bear to. Whatever you do DON'T take them some days and not others - that will give you the worst of both worlds.

I'm going to rephrase your question back to you - what would happen if you didn't drink on Friday? How does the prospect make you feel?

(I am asking myself the same questions! Hopefully we can help each other...)

Well, right now i need a beer! lm so indecisive.I'M too neurotic to take antidepressents.....

I will get bored and restless it's company for me and relaxing a(shield) but also emphasizes the mood l'm in which over the last six months/a year not good. l will go to AA meeting l went a few years ago when l was drinking too much.l do pick my mood up by cycling to work, but have stumbled over that hurdle, for the time being,cant really think straight right now.Have 2 children to support single parent last 11yrs and worried will loose my job,need some realistic perspective.
Sorry to moan and swimming is a good tonic for me.Thanks for the advise

Swimming and cycling are definitely good. I really think you should persevere with the ADs if you can.

Do you drink alone? And do you have anyone you can invite over on Friday for company, without drinking with them?

I'm still in two minds about AA, but you can take small steps, I think. I'm just concentrating on each day at a time for now.

I've just realised that the insomnia and night sweats are side-effects of the Sertraline, rather than anxiety symptoms. I don't know why it's taken me this long, both are very common. I just hadn't done the reading.

Does that mean they'll fade over time as my body gets used to the drugs?

I can't answer your question about whether Sertraline will continue to affect your sleep patterns, clareabouts but wanted to bring this back to the active threads in case anyone else can answer.

Well done on the swimming and cycling, Twinky, and for working so hard to bring your drinking under control. All you can do to curb excessive drinking will help you do better in your job and if giving up (or cutting down) on alcohol is what it takes to keep your job, isn't it a no-brainer to cut down on the Friday night glasses of wine, and your weekly intake? Exercise can be a great alternative to a drink, but sounds like you need another distraction at home. Reading, TV, films, a new hobby?

Thanks yegods. I am feeling less fraught about it having realised it's probably the drugs, so even if that's just a psychosomatic effect I hope it helps with the sleeping. I've had bouts of insomnia before but never so relentlessly, and never for such an extended period. I do worry that it's affecting my work, because I'm distracted and can't focus on things properly. That said, I have an A1 boss who knows what's going on at home and has told me to take whatever time I need away from the office, so that shouldn't be a cause for anxiety either.

I guess just having lots of medium-sized things to worry about (job, finances, alcohol, never mind separation and the heartbreak that goes with that) is adding up to what feels like something too big to deal with. But I hope the pills will help.

Hi spoke to a close friend who happens to be a psychiatric nurse she said knock the wine on the head and take the AD avoid the kitchen! cooking dinner is when l want a wine,weak part of the day.time to take action, other wise job,home could be lost,she's right.I already feel much better being out of the stress of school,though its only been four days.acknowledging some key factors takes time its easy to go on auto pilot,free fall,and as you say crash.other people can see them but you get so lost in worries.Hope your all well

Glad you're feeling better Twinky. I didn't sleep any better last night, but I did have a (lovely) dream just before I woke for the last time, which made me realise I haven't dreamed for weeks - probably because I haven't managed to reach that stage of sleep. So fingers crossed I'm starting to adjust to the meds.

Still feels like a long way to go, but I'm less desperate today than I was at the weekend.

Well done, Twinky, your psychiatric nurse friend talks a lot of sense. Pouring the lot away (or giving it away) keeps it well out of reach. I just keep that cupboard looking dull and boring now, with a few storage boxes (which have my DH's beer inside, but I don't drink beer).

I know what you mean, clareabouts, knowing the cause of something like sleeplessness is half the battle; you know what's causing it, and so you become less desperate. But then you know to expect it as well, so you notice it more and it seems worse because you know it will carry on for a while longer, until the meds start to work. I suppose it is a bit like dealing with a baby who doesn't sleep, having a routine and making oneself feel loved and safe enough each night. Hopefully it won't be too much longer for you. At least your boss has said you can take time off, which you might need to if you're not sleeping enough.

Feeling like it is a long way to go isn't a bad thing, as it's realistic. There's a process of adjustment to drugs, to new circumstances, to checking to see if there's any other underlying health concerns until you feel you can manage and cope with what life throws at you. It isn't unmanageable though. You can do it, and you can do it (much better) without alcohol.

Well, I slept for two lots of three hours last night, which is the first time I've managed more than about 90 minutes without being boozed-up. Fingers crossed. I've also downloaded the Overcoming Low Self-Esteem book recommended elsewhere in this section, and I'm hopeful I can glean some useful stuff from there. It's a slog, but it feels possible, at least.

How are you doing, Twinky?

Hi clareabouts,how are you?
I'm still struggling.
Haven't started to take ADS Need to go back to doc for more time off work, 2 weeks doesn't feel enough; think will feel better once l have created some more space the other side is that being at home allows me to dwell too much,not good either.Though have painted our front room which is good, with my daughter's help, she has had her friend round this weekend,good distraction.
She got a bus to the Penninies today to start a citizens youth challenge.She is 17, only 50 quid for the course. my son is out on a bike ride .
.x glade your sleep is increasing self refer to CBT its called CAMS look it up on your local council website