Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

It might be worth a try. I don't know if it will help, but it might

@ HelsBels - The more I think about telling my mum how I feel via written words, the more it does sound like a good idea. Like you, others have mentioned trying to go for the written way. How did you deal with your depressive episodes when you were a teen?

@Puds - It might. I've never tried it before but I guess there's a first time for everything. I might give it a go in the future :)

I'm going out with my mum soon so I have to log off. I just want to say thanks to everyone once more. You've been very wonderful and helpful.

Good luck Bengal, I hope you and your mum have a lovely evening

I had medication & counselling as a teen. Sadly I also tried to escape via drink & drug experimentation which I wouldn't recommend. Hope you manage to tell your mum somehow how you're feeling. Good luck & let us know how you're getting on

Good luck. Hope the words find you. Your posts on here - from the very first post - are clear, painful, honest and powerful. They have communicated your pain and feelings clearly to strangers. I am sure you could just write your first post to your mum. That would be enough.

Please keep writing.
The world needs writers like you.
You have a gift and I have a feeling one day your writing will touch other people and make a difference.

I can imagine reading your writing in a newspaper or book: it is very clear and you have a strong voice. Please do not silence it.

Have you considers contacting the bereavement charity cruise?
You are so young and have had a major life changing event.
It would be strange almost if you didn't feel like something was very wrong.
I am so glad you called the Samaritans.
They are there 24/7.
You could also see our gp and perhaps think about taking some form of AD for a while to see if it helps our mood?
I have suffered from depression in the past and it is an insidious and cruel illness.
It sucks all the joy out of life and leaves you feeling less than what you are.
Good luck

How did your meal out with your Mum go, BengalTiger?

You have shown a lot of courage BengalTiger and if I took the tone of what you were saying up thread right you have every intention of sharing your feelings with your mum. You even have two plans to do it. I hope you've managed to tell her this evening over your meal but, if not, your writing skills give you another option.

Of course one phone call to the Samaritans, although it was helpful, on its own isn't enough to stop all the down feelings. But it is a positive step, and its best to think of it that way....taking small but positive steps. You have done well in doing that so far.

A lot of wisdom in that Selks. One step at a time is the way to get through anything. There is a way through and if the Samaritans can be there, even when others are sleeping, then that is what they are there for.

You speak with fondness of your time playing basketball. Is there any way you could join a sport team now? I know it's exam time, but a bit of finding out now with the promise of a reward for yourself afterwards might help. I always find it easier to tackle the hardest things if I can build in a reward for myself.

And as for the exams, you have big dreams which sound eminently achievable. Don't panic about this first GCSE step to them though. The first thing to concentrate on is you. Exams can be fitted in another time if necessary, and I expect you only need to get enough passes to get onto your A level courses. Shining can come when you're loop the looping in the air!

So hoping you've a managed to tell your mum. Let her love you.

And if you didn't manage to tell her this evening that's ok too.....you have tomorrow. One step at a time.....just keep stepping.

Hey everyone. I just wanted to let you know that I told my mum. It was really hard to do at first. When we were having the meal she seemed so happy and upbeat and I couldn't bring myself to do it. But on the drive hope I told her to pull her and she did. That's when I told her. She cried. I cried. But it felt nice to get the weight off my shoulders and to hear her tell me that everything is going to be okay. I'm going to the gp with her on Monday and she's also suggested therapy.

When we got home we talked for hours not just about me, but about us and my dad. It felt really good in a way. I just wanna say thanks for the people here. Without you I wouldn't have had the courage to tell her, and perhaps even worse. You're all wonderful people and your families are lucky to have you.

I'm really tired now (a bit overwhelmed) so I'm gonna go to sleep. I'll respond properly to individual posts tomorrow. Thanks once again.

That is awesome.
Well done.
Massive cheer from me.
I wish you hope and healing and a deep peaceful sleep.

Oh WELL DONE you! That's fantastic. Really glad to hear it.

Things will gradually improve from now on for you, I really believe that. It may not always feel like that - you're bound to have ups and downs, that's only natural - but the main thing is that you've done a massive thing in sharing this burden and you can now get the support that will help things gradually change for the better.

Sleep well. x

Oh BengalTiger! Your mum and you are such a team! I'm betting you'd done such a good job of 'situation normal' she hadn't got a clue. She must be so proud of you for facing your thoughts square on and finding the help you need. Going to the GP together is a wonderful idea and that may be a great way of accessing some therapy or other understanding support.

Sharing together memories and feelings does feel good even when the subjects are painful. I'm so glad you shared with us and that conversation with your mum shows that you're definitely not alone with your thoughts and emotions in real life. She loves and you, and you love her. You can comunicate and work out the future together. Yippee for you and well done.

Sleep well BengalTiger!

I'm so pleased you told your mum. Well done you

I am middle aged now with a teenage son and my life was like your mum left, dad took over, mum came back then died. When I was 18 my dad kicked me out as he wanted his life back had looked after 3 of us on his own for years. Life was at times unbearable and yes I like you I did not like myself I spoilt several relationships as I did not believe any man would stay with me, but let me tell you I have been with his dh for 30 years have an annoying teenage son have a great job with great friends and live is good I still feel sad about my past sometimes but have so much to look forward to. My des friend committed suicide 2 years ago June and you cannot believe the sadness left behind, nothing I mean nothing is worth taking your own life there is always someone to help. Take a deep breath and talk to someone, try your mum I mean it she is there for you but please think about what you would miss if you were not around

Sorry did not read last post as desperate to reply, but thank god you have started talking

Good morning brave lad :)
I've been reading your thread and your last post made me a bit teary - I am so happy you talked to your mum.
You are indeed a very talented person. You write beautifully, it's a great gift, please do believe it and please try to be kind to yourself.
You have a lot to give, to your family and to the world.

Please keep talking to us on here. I was very much like you when I was younger and thought I could not go on. But I did and although I would never want to go through it all again, I am so much stronger.

Group sessions helped me. I didn't talk but just listened to the others and it got me through. It was my step mum who organised it all. I just said I needed help and she didn't ask any questions, just organised it.

Sometimes people can help without you necessarily needing to tell then everything

I've been following your thread, Bengal & I am so happy to hear that you have talked to your Mum. She sounds lovely & I'm sure she's going to be a huge support to you.

You've taken the first big step now - that's brilliant.

I'd also like to say that you write beautifully - am sure there's a future career there for you.

Just read your last post Well done

Well done Bengal you've been amazing!

@ Homebird - Regarding joining a sports team . . . well most sports teams are at the end of the season, which actually, is a good time to join. But what I find daunting about the prospect is the fact that these teams have been together for a while, so I always think of myself as an outsider. It was different when I played b-ball in Year 7 - we all just graduated from primary school so it was a clean slate. We were basically starting all over again together. Whereas now, most players in teams have been together for a while and they have their own chemistry. I don't know . . . it sounds silly but that aspect always makes me a little apprehensive.

Thank you for all the wonderful messages by the way. It's very much appreciated :)

@Whatalotpiffle and Mrs Mobbs - Thanks for sharing your own personal experiences on the subject of teenage depression. It sounds silly but I always felt like I was alone with my feelings. And the fact that you guys are older now and you got over your hurdles gives me hope for the future.