Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

[BengalTiger]

@ Badvoc - I'm going to the GP with my mum tomorrow. I'm not too comfortable with the thought of taking anti-depressants, but my mum told me she was on them before and they did her a world of good. So I guess I'll take the chance.

[Badvoc]

I took them for 4 months for late onset pnd (which is a very specific type of depression) and they really really helped me.
I know what you mean about being uncomfortable taking them - I was too and delayed going to the gp for far too long- but there is nothing to be ashamed of.
1 put of 3 people will experience MH issues during their life.
Take care x

[Selks]

BengalTiger, it may be the case that your GP will recommend that they refer you to your local CAMHS service, which is the service that supports young people who feel depressed (or who might be experiencing other emotional / mental health problems). I work for CAMHS, although probably in a different area to where you live.
Here is some information on CAMHS - here
CAMHS workers aim to be helpful and supportive and support the young person in finding ways to move forwards and feel better. There can be a wait to be seen unfortunately (we're part of the NHS and as overstretched as any other bit of the NHS) but if someone needs to be seen quickly e.g if they are feeling suicidal then they are seen as a matter of urgency, often the same day or very soon. CAMHS provides therapy and support in other areas if needed (e.g. family or school issues).
CAMHS would understand that you have been struggling because of life events and would help you in a non judgemental way. There's nothing to be scared of in having some support from CAMHS, it wouldn't mean anything bad about you, just that you've been through a tough time and (understandably) it's left you feeling bad and shaky.
However your GP will talk with you and together you can decide what is the best source of support for you. There may be other things local to you such as counselling services.

Let us know how you go on at your GP and what you decide is the best thing for you. Best wishes. x

[BengalTiger]

@ Selks - Thank you so much for the link. Currently reading it now. A lot of great stuff on there . I have been pulling towards therapy as I think that would help. My mum has been looking online for therapy sources so that link helps. I'll keep you and everyone informed about what happens tomorrow at the doctors. Thanks for your concern.

[Homebird8]

See, there you go BengalTiger. You even know when would be a good time to join a sports team! Not something I think is ever in my stars. Not my thing. Hope you didn't mind the suggestion though. Might there be an opportunity at the start of 6th form? There definitely will be when you go to uni if that is what you decide. Anyway, I'm prattling now. Just live what you're dealt today. Enough steps like that and all sorts of opportunities come.

I smile as I think of you researching therapy and all your other options. I can see you're going to blow the GPs socks off. Is your mum coming in to see the doctor with you. The backup might be useful. You seem very resourceful and as we've all commented, very articulate. I'm sure you can explain yourself well but I'm concerned that the doctor understands how you have been / are feeling. You just come over as so capable the difficulty and desperation of your thoughts might not be so apparent.

Sleep well again BengalTiger. Let us know how you get on if we're helpful to you. Thinking of you.

[LibertineLover]

Hey Bengal have been away this weekend, and have just caught up with your thread.

I'm over the moon to see how you're handling this now, you're being so amazingly brave and strong, well done.

Bet your Mum is actually relieved to have had that conversation, as she probably knew something was wrong, now you are in it together and that's great.

Hope the GP goes well today, how are you feeling about things now? Bit more hopeful? I hope so, you seem a lovely lad.

[Selks]

Hi BengalTiger, how has today gone? OK I hope.

[BengalTiger]

@ Homebird - There's no sixth form basketball team unfortunately. There's a football team though. Yeah my mum came with me today. Was a bit scary in a way but we got through it. Doctor prescribed some anti-depressants (Zoloft). My mum asked about therapy, and he said that's available but there's a waiting list.

My mum then asked him if he knew any private therapists in the area. He gave us a shortlist. So we're gonna go private I guess. We're gonna go look at a couple tomorrow. I kinda feel bad about it though. One of the quotes for a session is 60 quid an hour. I always knew therapy was expensive but blimey . . .

P.S. I write much better than I speak! I am a northerner, after all :)

[BengalTiger]

@LibertineLover - Thanks for the kind words. And the GP went well today. Was a bit nervous in the beginning but things went well in the end. I've now on the AD "Zoloft" and since my mum didn't fancy being on the waiting list for therapy, I'm gonna get a private therapist.

[Selks]

Did the GP mention CAMHS at all?

[BengalTiger]

@ Selk - Hey. I'm okay today. Even managed to do a little studying today. Not much but before I couldn't even do anything. So that's good I guess. I'm on Zoloft like I mentioned to others and I'm going to get private therapy in order to bypass the NHS Waiting list.

Overall I'm good. I had a couple of bad patches where the dark thoughts consume me, but I'm okay. My mum has been really great.

[Selks]

That's great. Really pleased that you're doing so much better now. I'm so glad that you told your Mum and she is being supportive and you're getting help from your GP. Well done!
Things can only get better from now on. Remember though even when someone is in recovery from being in a dark place they still might have some tricky times from time to time but that doesn't mean they are not recovering. But you know now that you can ask for help and get it if you need it. I have a belief that life is really going to improve for you. I think the therapy is a good idea too.
I really wish you well for the future. You're a great lad, and one day soon you will believe that for yourself. xx

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

Bengal tiger, I have just read this and am so glad that you told your mum and she has responded in such a positive way!

I was going to suggest to go and see a doctor, not just for counselling and anti-depressants, but to see if there might be a physical reason causing your depression, such as vitamin deficiencies or anything relating to your family history that the doctor could find out.

I say this because I have been having some nasty bouts of depression lately and occasionally thoughts of suicide and went for some tests and have found that I do have something which causes depression which can be treated easily. it is more common than you might think. Even taking a general good multi vitamin could help.

Another thing is, do not keep ropes, or whatever you might use! This is what we must tell ourselves: Do not look up ways of committing suicide ever again, and if you ever think of such things, dispose of anything in your possession which you could decide to kill yourself with. Do not seek out others who are suicidal. That is what I do, I get rid of the things which I would choose to do myself harm with. Also, tell someone, as you have done with your mum, so they are there to help you through it and not put you in harm's way by accident.

You're on the road to recovery.

By the way, your writing is really great, you should keep a journal!

[BengalTiger]

@ Selks - Yes you're certainly right about the dark patches. My mum told me that she also went through deep depression before and sometimes she would experience mood swings. She'd be really happy one moment and sad the next. I guess through those dark spells I just have to stay strong or seek help. Thank you for everything you've done for me and for your concern. It's been amazing.

[BengalTiger]

@Fishes - Wow that's an amazing revelation. Vitamins? Could never see that as being a source of depression. The doctor asked about depression and suicide in the family. No one has ever committed suicide but my mum and her mum have tackled depression before during spells. Though I'll remember your input for the future if I need more medical attention.

On the subject of suicide methods - you're completely right. My mum has disposed of the rope (I told her about it) and she's being extra careful with items. She's taken a week off work but obviously she can't be around me all the time, so she's being extra cautious.

Retrospectively, looking up suicide methods was a pretty chilling experience. It actually scared me a lot. It made it kind of real and I think in a way it deterred me because I only started looking at the methods 2 days before registering on this site.

Thanks for the response. About the journal . . . my mum said the very same thing :)

By the way how are you dealing with your depression now?

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

I know, who would think vitamins would make such a difference, but when you look up what things like iron, magnesium, B vitamins, vitamin c and fish oils can do for us, it does make sense. Healthy eating is important for our minds and emotions as well as growth/fitness.

Keeping a journal is a good way of releasing emotion, or processing it so that you can visualise more positive outcomes, be creative and think of good things about your day. also, one day you could publish it and make money from it, as not many people will stick at it. If you take a photo (of yourself, or a view from your house, say) every day to go with it, it would have an extra interesting element.

What do I do?
I try to do something creative every day (e.g make something; or cook a cake do some crochet or painting, photography or writing)
I get some exercise
I make plans and have them in the diary to look forward to.
I try and spend time with friends (this one is hard for me as my friends are miles away, but I have facebook, skype, and a few forums where people are encouraging).
I smile
hug my kids
ask them about their day, help them with homework, share some time together, and have a few laughs (love my kids)
show up to work on time and do my best (love my job)
I thank people when thanks are due, whenever I can, and feel gratitude - let it sink into me like it's a watering my soul.
I try and find ways to be kind...give a few pence towards buying a homeless person a coffee at a coffee shop/take my old things to a charity shop/let someone else go before me in a queue/hold open a door/ make things to give to people/ and chat to random strangers about stuff like this!

Oh, and thank you, it has helped me to think about what helps me and write it down!

It's late. Sleep well!

[BengalTiger]

@ Fishes - Wow, you certainly have a lot of avenues in order to fight depression. Really cool. I can see how it can work for you in a sense because a lot of the things you've listed make you active. I find that depression is more powerful when you're idle in comparison to when you're active.

You sound like a lovely person. Sleep well and have a great night.

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

Yes, activity/exercise can help. To be honest, my problem is not just to do with vitamins, there is a bit more to it than that...'wimmens problems' so I'll say no more! I am on the road to getting it sorted out though.

Other things that help:
humour/comedyhaving a good laugh.

spiritual stuff. I won't share what works for me exactly, but lots of people find their own path to improved inner strength through various religious/spiritual ways. I have found believing in a loving God has got me through many dark times.

pets. I have a cat, she is great.

Hope you get to the bottom of what has caused your depression, you seem to have good sense and have made good choices to tell your mum and ask the right questions on here.
take care.

[Selks]

Depressive thoughts can certainly fester and increase if we spend too much time on our own over-thinking things.
There are some basic things that anyone can do which are helpful for feeling good and reducing depression, many are mentioned by the poster below. Certain things have been proven to increase mood -

• Get enough sleep - get to sleep early enough at night and dont sleep in too late
• enjoy the company of others - make time to interact with people
• do something creative / stimulating / absorbing
• eat a healthy balanced diet (research shows that people who eat a bad diet often have worse mental health)
• get some physical exercise, every day if you can. Join a gym, cycle, walk the dog, dance, skateboard, whatever. Exercise produces endorphins which are the body's own 'happy chemical'
• share your worries or problems with someone you trust
• plan some treats or enjoyable activities
• help other people; helping others makes us feel good
• find ways to increase our self esteem and make us feel good about ourselves eg things we are good at or that other people appreciate
• keep away from street drugs and excess alcohol use (street drugs - including legal highs - can contribute to mental health problems and alcohol is a depressant)

These are all good things to build life around to help with mental health. Sometimes it's not easy being motivated to make positive changes particularly if it feels like a huge effort, which things often can when you are depressed. In that case it's best to break things down into small, achievable steps and give yourself big praise when you achieve a step. Remember, you can't eat an elephant in one bite!!

[BengalTiger]

@ Selks - cheers for the list. I'll copy and paste it for future reference. A lot of helpful stuff on that. You're certainly right - today I was just doing some kick-ups with a football in the backyard and although it's nothing spectacular, I felt good about it. A lof of times I spend time on my own, cooped up in my room. Also I do find that when I interact with people, even though I prefer being alone, a lot of the times I find pleasure in it.

I need to heed the advice of one of the things on the list - sleep :) I'm gonna hit the hay now. Thanks for taking the time to give out all that info. Have a nice night, Selks. Sleep well.

[BengalTiger]

@ Fishes - I also have a cat actually. She's 7 months old. She always sleeps in my bed and on nights she's out roaming in the house, I find it hard to sleep without her. She always wanders in and sleeps at some point though, so I always leave the door partially open.

I hope you overcome your problems. It's been nice to meet you.

[Selks]

.....and above all else, BengalTiger, you will learn about what works for you - what you can do that helps your low mood and what makes it worse, then you can do more / less of those things accordingly!
It's about you getting to know you and making friends with yourself. Might seem like a tall order but we can all gradually learn to 'be our own best friends' and learn to like and be kind to ourselves. This can get easier as we get a bit older. But it is also a skill too, a thing we have to learn and practice.
Wow I'm waffling now, sorry, ha ha!
Anyway, sleep well.

[Homebird8]

And now you see the true power of MumsNet BengalTiger! There are always people here with good suggestions and the support is quite extraordinary.

I'm so glad the appointment with the doctor went well. I think the opportunity to get therapy is a great one and you shouldn't think about the cost, think about the value.

I'm a little bit jealous of you with your little cat. I really miss mine. We're in a rental at the moment and can't have one here so she went to live with my inlaws. It's only a matter of time though before we buy again and then it'll be a different matter. Give your little one a scratch between the ears for me and listen for the purr.

[magimedi]

I'm also glad things went well, BengalTiger.

Please don't worry about the cost of the therapy - speaking as a Mum I know there is nothing else your Mum would rather spend her money on than getting you better again.

Am sure the Dr told you, but the anti-d's may take a couple of weeks to kick in properly.

Good Luck!

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Bengal - have only just caught up with this thread but wanted to say well done for talking to your mum and seeing your gp.

You sound like a lovely lad, onwards and upwards hey.