Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

[SnowyMouse]

I hope you can tell your mum

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Hello, well done for calling Samaritans.
A suggestion - you are very good at writing clearly about how you feel. Very good indeed. It looks like you have a special talent for writing.
How about writing it down for your mum?

[BengalTiger]

@ KitKatShoes - Thank you for the link.

@Sapphire Star - Thanks for the response. Like I wrote before I called the Samaritans this morning. I felt good for a lil while after doing so but now that wave of darkness has come over me.

I'm about to take my GCSEs and all throughout my time at school, I've always gotten really good grades. But with the way I feel right now I'm honestly not even caring about my exams. I haven't been revising as hard as I usually do.

And I know I need good grades because I've always wanted to be a fighter pilot (commercial pilot if I don't make the military grade) cause I need to go to sixth form and then uni, but at the moment none of that is even mattering to me. I guess it's part of my mind just giving up.

I'm going out for a meal tonight. Just me and my mum. I've been thinking maybe telling her then but in the end I know I won't have the courage to.

[BengalTiger]

@LibertineLover - Thanks for the response. Like I wrote to another poster I called the Samaritans today and it felt good to let things out, but now I feel bad again. I'm thinking of telling my mother tonight though as we're going out for meal. Thank you for welcoming here. It's been very heartwarming.

[Selks]

Hi BengalTiger, I'm glad that you phoned the Samaritans. It sounds like it was helpful in that it has helped you feel that you might be able to talk to your Mum.
Of course one phone call to the Samaritans, although it was helpful, on its own isn't enough to stop all the down feelings. But it is a positive step, and its best to think of it that way....taking small but positive steps. You have done well in doing that so far.
Could you write things down to share with your Mum to let her know? You can keep it simple. Is she around today? How about just writing down briefly how you've been feeling and take it to her when she is not distracted with something else.
I know it's hard to do, nobody likes risking upsetting or worrying a parent - but here is the important thing - she loves you and would want to know if you were unhappy or sad so that she can support you. You may feel a little better once you have spoken to her and she can then support you - maybe help you access the GP or whatever.
These feelings are a huge weight to carry around on your shoulders. Nobody should do that on their own. If you are depressed you need help, please let your Mum help you. Just take that next step - it will be ok.

[BengalTiger]

@ Trucks and Dinosaurs - Thanks for the compliment. Made me smile :) Yeah I've been writing regularly since I was 10 years-old. I write short stories, novels and screenplays. I'm a really introverted person so I spend time alone. Like I said before, I've always suffered from self-loathing and writing has always been something of an escape. When I'm writing and I'm immersed in fictional worlds, my life doesn't exist - it's all about the world and the characters that I'm creating. So writing and reading has always been my cathartic friend.

[BengalTiger]

@Trucks and Dinosaurs - Hmm writing it I guess could be easier than telling her. I've also been contemplating of telling her tonight as we're going out for a meal. I guess I managed to reach out to you nice people with writing so maybe I could give that a try. I'll see after tonight. I'm really leaning towards telling her tonight but I'm not certain that I will.

[Selks]

Just spotted where you said that you're going for a meal with your Mum tonight. Yes tell her then if that feels like a good time. You can keep it simple but just let her know. Good luck.

[BengalTiger]

@ Selks - A few posters have suggested writing to my mum. And I think it's a good idea as this is the method I used to reach out to the people here and I've found a lot of help. I'm going out for a meal with my mum tonight and I've been thinking of telling her when we're alone. If I don't find the courage to then I think I'll write.

You know you're really right about me not wanting to upset or worry my mum. Beyond the fact that I find it really hard to talk about personal stuff to anyone but my dad, I don't want her to know just how messed up I am because I know it'll hurt her. But I guess the irony is me killing myself would hurt her a million times more.

[BengalTiger]

I must say thank you to everyone who has responded. I appreciate it a lot as it has been very helpful. The people who made this website should be proud cause they have created an amazing and unique community.

[Hellohippo]

I was going to suggest writing/emailing your mum. I was a suicidal teenager many years ago! I'm glad I'm still here now but I do remember how tough things were. Take care of yourself, you sound very mature and too valuable to lose.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Hi Bengal, you do sound like a lovely guy

Do you think you would be able to show your mum what you have written here? Or maybe use what you have written here to construct a letter to her?

Suicidal thoughts can be extremely consuming and tiring. I sincerely hope you can find a way to move past this, it would be a tragic loss of life.

Do you visit your dads grave at all? Perhaps going and talking to him would help?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Writing can be good because the person can read it again once the shock has passed (shock sometimes means they don't/can't hear you peppery at first or can try to deny/minimise or talk without listening properly) and understand more each time they read it. You can let the words flow and come out as they want. You can even write several drafts or just write something simple and hand it over as and when you choose. Just writing it can be helpful even if it isn't sent.
You could also write to your dad.
Good luck with whatever you choose.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Peppery = properly. Autocorrect problem, sorry

[BengalTiger]

@HelloHippo- How did you move past your suicidal tendencies when you were a teen? And yes, I've been thinking of writing to my mum.

@ Puds - Thanks :) Like I wrote to others, yes I have been thinking of writing to my mum. Writing on this site has helped so maybe it will with my mum. And I visit my dad's grave all the time. But I don't talk. Sometimes I'll sit there for an hour or two but I never talk.

[BengalTiger]

@ Trucks and Dinosaurs - There's a lot of logic in that post. Do you think showing her what I've written in my first post could do?

[Meev]

Hi BengalTiger. Although I'm in a different situation to you I also lost my dad in January. It was completely unexpected. If you want to chat please message me. I've got a 17 year old brother who is doing his exams at the moment and also finding it hard to concentrate on them. You are not alone, there's lots of lovely people on here who are happy to listen and try help you through

[Wishiwasanheiress]

Bengal, I'm unsure what to say really. Would an experience of the other side be useful? i dont know. I was 18 when a friend chose to die. He was lovely. Tall, dark, handsome. He would have laughed though at that, he thought his nose was massive and his ears stuck out. He said he was lucky his mates were attractive, that it rubbed off on him and then he would cuff me on the shoulder and run off laughing. We all used to go clubbing locally. I always remember him with his head thrown back, eyes shut roaring at some joke or other. One day I was round his flat and out of nowhere he said his head hurt. I remember being in the kitchen. I think boiling a kettle. I remember looking at him, his head hanging down and knowing. Or that bit might be hindsight, I'm not sure tbh. He said it again but didn't look at me. I know I shrugged, jokily said well visit the doctor then! I actually said that if his foot hurt he would visit a doctor, so why wouldn't you visit one if your head hurt? I knew it was bigger than that, but thought keeping it simple might work might get through. I don't remember how the moment stopped, it just did, passed on and he never mentioned it again.

Two weeks later he gassed himself using a family members car. I got called the day my a level results came out. Mum and dad were taking me out for dinner to say congrats. I couldn't stop crying. My dad was furious this overshadowed all that. I just sat there. Stunned. I walked about in a fog for days. None of could believe it. People don't just disappear. Not at that age. It's not fair. It's so bloody not fair that had he walked in the room I would have killed him myself. Rung his neck, hit him, anything to feel something other than what he had left me with.

His funeral was awful. People filled every corner. There were people we didn't know, his dad was asking who people were. He was so touched that so many came. It was wonderful but also a joke some sick joke that he hadn't noticed all this. Seriously, people like the man who sold us ice creams at school came. I didn't know most of them. He had no idea how his life interacted. How important it was that he was there. I cannot describe how selfish that felt. That he had gotten out but left us with all of this.

Now, I'm twice the age I was. I look back fondly at him. But as you probably tell its still present. I wish he had voiced more. I wish he had grabbed me by the shoulders and shaken me til I realised. I am still cross now that there were all these people there and he didn't talk to anyone. Did he really believe he was alone? If so he must have been bloody shocked if he saw that. Or maybe that's just me projecting, it's very hard to know.

I also know that maybe we couldn't have changed anything. It taught me though. We have no idea how important we are, how our lives interact with others. The ripples in a pool that we cause by existing. His note said he was doing us a favour, that we were better off without him. I cannot tell you how wrong he was. Truthfully maybe we wouldn't have been friends past school. He would maybe have ended up someone I keep on Facebook but not see in RL at all. (It didnt exist then but you get my drift) But nothing in my life has been made better by his death.

Keep talking, keep writing. Depression is an illness and it sadly can be a killer. I had no idea. I wish it had given me magic answers for you though.

[ophelia275]

Bengal Tiger - Several things. Firstly, the fact that you are seeking advice makes me think there is a part of you that doesn't really want to die but wants help?

I think it is totally understandable and reasonable that you feel the way you do. Firstly, you are a teenager and teenage years can be awful without having recently lost your father and being rejected and then reconnected with your mother. You must have a lot of different conflicting emotions right now.

If I were you I would make an appointment with your GP and see if they can prescribe you some anti-depressants (to get you to a place where you at least feel more stable) but also ask if you can speak to someone, a counsellor/therapist about everything you are feeling and all the things that have happened in your young life. I think therapy would be particularly helpful because you would be able to talk and not bottle everything up but you also develop a relationship with your therapist that allows you to say things that you cannot necessarily say to a relative or a friend.

You also sound incredibly articulate and sincere and I think unfortunately that people who tend to think more and analyse life situations, tend to be more down and depressive. I think you could put your intelligence to better use when you are not feeling so depressed. You really do sound extremely bright (not trying to sound patronising) but I was surprised you are just 16 from your original post, you sound much more mature.

Good luck and please do phone the Samaritans, they can be really helpful!

[BengalTiger]

@Meev - I'm sorry about your father. I really am. I know exactly what it feels like and regarding exams, I can also empathize with your bro. I just can't concentrate at all. Not even for 20 minutes. Thank you for the offer to talk.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Do you think it would help to talk whilst you where there Bengal?

[BengalTiger]

Wishiwasanheirress - That story really touched me. Left a sore lump in my throat. I'm really sorry about your friend. He sounded like really nice person and it's a tragedy that his life came to an end. Thank you for sharing it with me. It was really helpful, particularly on what you wrote about someone having an effect on someone when you don't even know it. I don't know if that really applies for me but it's got me thinking.

[BengalTiger]

@ ophelia - I wrote to another poster that I don't really want to die, but I also don't want to live, either. I guess we all have a self-preservation instinct inside us and that aspect of me is plugging for me to live. It's probably one of the things that made me post here.

Thanks for the compliment. Yeah, a lot of people tell me that I'm more mature than my age. My mum always says it, too. She's actually a bit confused by it, cause her husband's niece is a year younger than me and we couldn't be more different. I guess he's the standard image of a 15-year-old guy; he's really outgoing and likes to play sports, go out to parties on Friday nights and all that stuff. I don't do any of that.

Though I do wish I was a little more outgoing. A lot of adults say that being a kid is unique and it's best to enjoy it while you can. I used to play basketball in Year 7 and that's one of the fondest memories of my life. I was much more sociable than I am now cause playing with a group of guys who are all striving for the same thing, you form a relationship. We even won the county championship which was awesome. But I stopped playing in Year 8. These days, I just read and write a lot and spend more time on my own. Like I wrote before, my mum can't figure it out when it comes to that.

[BengalTiger]

@ Puds - I don't know. I've never tried it in all honesty.

[MrsHelsBels74]

Could you just send a link to this thread to your mum? You've spelt out your emotions on here, or just take what you've written & send it to her as it is on here. Sometimes writing it is easier than saying it out loud, like saying it out loud makes it more 'real' & somehow bigger (it did for me anyway).

I started getting depressive/suicidal thoughts when I was about 15/16. I still suffer from depressive episodes but it's manageable for the most part. Asking for help from those closest to you is one of the hardest things to do, but it is the best way to get through this, it's not something you can do alone.