Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

Please, please speak to your doctor/childline/camhs/a trusted teacher or school nurse (preferably all of them) about these thoughts that you are having. My daughter is in a similar position and has attempted suicide twice. It has destroyed us all. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You sound like such a mature young man. You have had your dads death to cope with and sounds like to need to speak about this too. Please speak to someone in the real world. Life's so precious and you are worth every second of it

nugsy he has spoke to his Mum, and been to the GP, he's made massive leaps since starting this thread. So sorry to hear about your daughter, it's so difficult for young people to see any future when depressed.

@ Selks - Your post resonated with me on the subject of "liking ourselves." It's something that I've always struggled with.

@ Homebird - this place really is amazing. Honestly, and I'm just not saying that. The support I've gotten from people I've never even met has been wonderful. I hope you'll be reunited with your cat soon :)

@magimedi - Yeah, the doctor said that about the ADs. I was initially feeling uncomfortable about taking them but now I'm okay. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

@ Betty - Thank you.

@ nugsy - Thanks for taking the time to comment. I told my mum about it and we went to the GP yesterday. I'm on ADs and I'm gonna start therapy soon. I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. Really, I am, because not only do I know what it feels like to be in your daughter's shoes, but I also know how much it can hurt others. I hope she gets better.

I'm so sorry to read about your dad dying BT - yours is a terribly sad story, but you show such insight and strength for someone who is only 16. I'm glad you managed to tell your mum and that she was understanding. Take care.

BengalTiger - just don't want to leave you unanswered. It's bedtime duties for a lot of the Mums on here now, so you will have to wait a wee while to get some more replies.

You are such a lovely guy, so polite in all your responses & so articulate.

I so hope you get through this & come out the other side.

I am really looking forward to reading your published writing in years to come.

And the above sentence is not written to comfort you, it is written from my heart. I am an avid reader & I love good writing beyond anything.

You write SO well - honestly, you have a gift that I really envy & you should go forward with that.

Can you please let me know when your first piece of writing is published? Because it will be - for sure.

Good luck - I have a great deal of 'real life' to deal with in the next coupe of weeks (all happy stuff, weddings & parties) so I won't be around much, but I really wish you very all the best, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

And, as a Mum, don't forget that your Mum will always be there for you. My son is 32 (nearly) & has had mental health problems in the past & is (happily) out the other side of it. There is nothing else I would have rather done than been there to help him.

A very, very, un-mumsnetty hug from me to you. (((((((((xxx)))))

Yes BT, I agree with Magimedi - we are all doing bath time at this time of night - so don't take a lack of response as lack of interest. I'm actually writing this while listening to my son read at the same time.

You may not like yourself very much at the moment, but you have quite a following on your thread after only a few days. Hopefully in time you will see what others see. Un-mumsnetty hug from me too.

@Eliza - Thanks for the kind words. They brought a smile to my face :) Yeah, I understand that people here have a lot of family duties and are often occupied. I hope your son is enjoying the story he's reading :) Used to love to reading aloud when I was really young. I've always loved English I guess. Thank you yet again.

@Magi medi - Don't know how you all do it! The thought of being a parent (even in the future when I'm older and more mature) scares the hell out of me lol.

Thanks for the kind words. You, along with a lot of posters on this site, have really embodied the beauty of this place. And I'm glad you're a fellow literature fanatic . . . if you give me more praises my head won't be able to fit through the doors of an aircraft hangar.

And of course I'll let you know when (IF) I ever get published. I've actually read up on it and it's such a lengthy process that requires so much patience and dedication. But one thing writing constantly has taught me is practice. I always look back on stuff I wrote a year or two ago and I notice the big difference between the older works and the newer ones. Cause of practice, I've learned a lot in-between time periods. I guess you could translate that aspect of writing to almost any part of life (for the better) including the way I'm feeling right now.

Have fun with the things you've got coming up. And thanks for sharing your son's story. It always gives me hope when I hear stories of people who've managed to get through it all.

Have a great night. It's been nice to meet you.

Most of us have some family duties, but still plenty of time left over for posts like yours, so don't let that put you off posting. Yes he enjoyed his book but I was feeling a bit guilty as I was saying 'that's lovely darling' and writing to you - so not concentrating as much as usual!

@ Eliza - Lol bless him. How old is he?

He is 6, and bit of a character - big smile, very gorgeous and doesn't do a thing he is asked.

@ Eliza - Well he and I share something in common at that age - I remember to not listening to a lot of things when I was 6. Time really flies. When I look back it doesn't seem that long ago.

I think his brothers were the same at that age too - they are well trained now . Can you remember why you didn't listen then?

@ Eliza - How old are his brothers? I've always wanted siblings. And I don't know why I didn't listen . . . I was a bit naughty admittedly!

They are 9 and 11 - much more sensible!

I'd love to know why he doesn't listen - his hearing is very selective

Ah I'm sure he'll grow out of it. I did :) I bet it's a lot of work raising three boys.

I've just re-read your OP and realised that 6 is the age your mum left. That must have been so hard to comprehend at that age - my son wouldn't begin to know how to deal with it at 6. I'm not surprised you are struggling now - you have been through a lot.

@ Eliza - Yeah it was hard. For about 2 months I'd wait on the steps outside my house after school in case she came back. And it really hit my dad hard too. I always have the memory of hearing him crying in his room two days after she left. It was hard, but me and my dad got through it. He was an amazing person. The amount of great things he did for me are almost infinite.

I really missed my mum though. I used to be more sociable when I was younger and when I stayed a mate's place for tea, I'd really envy them for their mums. I always used to feel ashamed at the fact that my mum wasn't around though when I was younger, even up until she came back 2 years ago. Logically I know there was no reason for me to be ashamed, but I just was.

In a sense I blame myself for it. My family was pretty troubled from the start. My parents had me when they were 18 and their parents didn't approve of them being together in the beginning because my dad was black and my mum was white. When I was born things got a little better, but there was still tension, even though I don't recall it as obviously I was too young to comprehend it all. My dad's mum died when I was 3 due to cancer and my mum's parents died in a car accident when I was 5.

I guess my family never got off to the best start.

That's a heartbreaking story BT. There was nothing for you to be ashamed of, but I know from my limited psychological knowledge that children internalise things like their parents arguing/parents leaving - so, as you say, you were (wrongly) blaming yourself. It wouldn't have been your fault at all - I guess it would have been hard for them being in a biracial marriage if their parents didn't approve - and those deaths on top of the tension would have been really hard to deal with.

Lots of young people suffer from depression and have suicidal thoughts, so don't feel alone. You probably already know of www.thestudentroom.co.uk - I have had to go on there for work, and have noticed that. But of course all we old mums will have lots more wisdom to impart on here

@ Eliza - Thanks. I needed to hear that. When you say "internalise," when it comes to psychology, what do you mean?

Yeah I've heard of the student room prior you dropping the link. Just checked it out now. It looks good actually. I think I'm gonna make an account and see how it goes. Thanks for the link. Much appreciated.

It's hard to describe, but it kind of means to taking in to yourself. So although your parents' split up was nothing to do with you, you would have taken responsibility for it and made it part of you.

This is why you have done such a great thing in agreeing to see a counsellor, because a counsellor will explain how all this works. Children's brains and emotional workings are so different from adolescents' and adults'. You will probably feel abnormal because you are surrounded by happy teenagers, but what he/she will explain to you is that you had a very normal reaction to your circumstances and have nothing to feel ashamed of.

Anyhow, I have just remembered that you have GCSEs - shouldn't you be in bed young man . This is the downside of coming on mumsnet - lots of nagging mums all in one place!

typo, should have read 'kind of means taking in to yourself'