Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

Do you get hay fever as well ? Asthma in my family too, but I don't get it, do you live very far from Blackpool. ? When weren't years ago we were in a pub and a fight broke out. My sis in law stood on a chair to get put of the way and ended up with a pint of beer over her. On the other hand we sent to a restaurant for a meal and the owner said if I and my sis in aw ate all our dinner he would give us a present ! We didn't manage all the meal but he gave us both a lovely table lamp made out of some huge shell, it was really nice of him and made our weekend !
Glad you managed to bet over your initial shyness ! You will get more relaxed as time goes on , Marjorie ! X

Yeah I have hay fever too. And no I don't live far from Blackpool - about an hour away on the train. And the story about your sis in law is unfortunate, but good thing you got a present! Your sis in law must've been really annoyed though - getting beer thrown over her and all! You're lucky you don't have asthma. It sucks.

I wasnt going to say it but I will, we lost a sister to asthma when she was only 26 so I certainly know all about it. I think that a lot of people don't realise what a serious illness this can be.
No my sis in law was fine, in gat it looked so funny we all had a laugh about it. And still do !
A good tip for hay fever is to put Vaseline at the opening of your nose. It will help to trap the pollen.

Oh my god. I'm really sorry about your sister. That's terrible. So unfortunate.

And it's cool that you guys had a laugh about it. How's your day?

It's ok , was a long time ago now.
Yes sis in law was in stitches when she got doused with the beer. But she chose to stand on the chair for two reasons, one to get out of the way and two cause she wanted to see what was going on !
How are you feeling today ?
Lovely day here, not too hot and more comfortable to sit in. Do you have any more apts booked up ?

Doesn't matter that it was a long time ago. It's still really sad.

Your sis in law sounds like she has a cool sense of humour. And I'm okay today. Been thinking about my dad but I'm ok. And yeah I've got more apts booked up. At first it didn't feel like the sessions were going anywhere but now I think they are.

Could it be that you are now on the way to recovering ? I do hope so. You have such a lot of things to experience. You are sounding quite confident. X

Am I right in thinking that your depressive thought are diminishing or are you just pretending on here to keep us old ladies happy?

Mature not old

Oh my goodness me. What a long thread to read when I finally got back here to see you BengalTiger.

Your girlfriend (can I call her that) sounds lovely and very straight forward. My DH says there are very few times he understands me so don't worry about not being sure abut what she thinks. Be kind and honest and she sounds as if she'll tell you what she thinks. Fancy saying out loud that she's been waiting for you to ask her out ! That's the sort of thing I'd say now I'm more mature (by a couple of decades) but I would have been way too shy as a teenager.

I know is will not make much sense to you now. It doesn't matter what your racial background is. It doesn't matter what you look like. It doesn't matter which pigeon hole people want to put you in. It only matters who you are, what you choose to do, the cultural structures you choose to uphold and the freedom you give yourself and others to be the people you are.

Can you imagine saying to someone, 'I don't believe your dad is Finnish, bring me his birth certificate to prove it. I will make a judgement on you when I've seen the evidence about him.'

Wouldn't happen. Move on. The cousin, your girlfriend, sounds much more sensible.

sorry lin, repeat to self - I am not old, I am mature,I am not old, I am mature - That doesn't sound right I don't feel mature yet?

@ Lin - I think I am recovering. I mean I still go through patches of where I feel rubbish but I can handle those patches better than I could before.

@ Cjel - I think they're diminishing. Like I wrote to Lin - I still have spells when I don't feel so good and my mind thinks about a lot of things that get me down, but I can combat those thoughts better and when I'm happy, it doesn't feel like it's a spell. It feels real. Don't know if that makes sense or not.

@ Homebird - Good to hear from you. Hope you've been well.

Yeah you can call her that :) She's cool. You know she said something similar you've said. When her cousin was going on about it she who cares whether I look mixed or not. It doesn't make a difference. Yeah she's pretty straightforward. It can be pretty funny actually. The Finnish comment made me laugh. Now that you put it that way, it does sound even more ridiculous!

Her brother's 19 and loves basketball as much as I do. He plays for the local team and he asked me whether I wanted to join. I want to, but at the same time, the thought of joining a new team is even more scary than the thought of asking her out was to me at the beginning. I don't get that.

Take a deep breath BengalTiger and just say 'yes' to her brother. You will really enjoy it when you're playing and other basketball players will be good to get to know. Great to do something that's separate from school and home too.

Things are going great here but I'm shattered. After Christchurch last week I've been to Dunedin and Wellington this week and then I'll be in Rotorua next week. That's really cool actually. Lots of volcanic activity and hot water coming out of the ground with steam coming up through the pavements and the central heating pipes full of hot water from the ground rather than a boiler!

Glad you're having more good times. Your girlfriend sounds brilliant. A bit of straight talking is usually a good healthy thing and lots of fun.

And for all those of us who are mature old we should remember what my DM used to say - that we've reached 'years of discretion'

I've been playing a basketball videogame a lot and it's got me hungry to play the real thing. I miss hearing the net swish after a bucket :)

New Zealand sounds awesome. Steam coming through pavements? We don't get that here. Plain and boring lol. You sound really busy. But hey, you seem to love your job so you can handle it. Nothing worse than doing something you don't love a lot. Like GCSE history! I only took it cause I'm a bit of a Roman, Medieval and World War Two era geek. But we ended up learning about farming and turnpikes! God I'm glad I left that behind now!

Hello BT you really should join the team. You would not only have great excercise but it will build on your social life too. I am very happy to see that you feel things are finally getting better, remember Rome wasnt built in a day ! Just take each day as it comes, you sure doing fine, we at the end of our screens can see the change happening in front of our eyes. X

Yeah I'm taking it astep at a time. Sometimes I think too far ahead and it makes things worse. Now that I'm taking things day by day it's not so bad. I think I am gonna join. Though I'm really unfit. Haven't played basketball consistently for a while.

Well now you have a chance to get fit and enjoy yourself at the same time. You see just this week you have new doors opening for you ! You will be fine bt I'm sure you will still have off days for a while but these will decrease with time and with the help from the medical side of things, you have a great future in front of you. Very pleased for you

That's so funny about the history and turnpikes . I dropped history at the end of what is your year 9 because all we were learning about was 'four crop rotation' and strip farming - again.

Well done on contemplating joining the basketball team. Don't let yourself worry about fitness and not having played recently. You'll be fine and it's only your negative internal voice trying to persuade you to let it have a say. Being around a group of other guys with a similar interest will be fun.

You're right about work. It's pretty full on at the moment and then when I'm home I spend time catching up with the family. DS1 has just got up with no voice and a temperature of 38.8 so I think today will be a DVD on the sofa day. Probably the break we all need although he's sad because he was supposed to be performing this weekend in Noye's Fludde with the New Zealand Opera. He just loves to sing.

BT I think it's today you are going to Blackpool. I hope you will have a fab time, relax and just go with the flow, no stressing about anything x

Hope you had a good time in Blackpool BT .

@Homebird - You did that farming and four crop rotation too?! Oh my god. Why do they persist on having us learn that boring crap? I feel sorry for future generations. I can laugh about it now that I've left it behind.

Wow your son sings in the opera? Jealous. I wish I could sing or play an instrument. Really unfortunate that his illness got in the way. When there's something I'm always really looking forward to, I always fear that I'll get sick and have to miss it. And that's exactly what's happened to him! Shame. How long has he been singing?

@ Lin and Cats - I had a great time thanks. Was a lot of fun. Even the little stuff like missing the train back home. Usually something like that would be annoying but it was actually fun. I can't explain it really.

I take it that you had a really enjoyable time then ? Never mind about missing the train, it's another memory of a really good time for you. It's something that in the future you will be able to have a chuckle about.when you think about your day out !
So I hope you have made another date ?
I would imagine that your spirits have had an enormous boost this past week, whichis great and I hope you are feeling more positive now.
You certainly seem a lot happier x

Yeah I had a great time. I actually feel a bit of relief cause I was thinking if I'd never asked her out, I wouldn't have had the fun I've had in the last few days. And we haven't made another date yet but she's coming round in a bit. Just gonna hang at my house or go for a walk. Nothing big. I am happier. I feel really good actually.

Hope you're having a good weekend :)

What a way you've come BT

Thanks. I feel like I'm making progress too :)