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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
CatsAndTheirPizza · 02/07/2013 16:41

Ages ago you said this 'He overworked himself because of me. He had two jobs, 6 days a week just so he could support me' - but it sounds like he had a really strong work ethic and would have worked hard with or without you. Sir Alan would be proud!

What games did you buy?

cjel · 02/07/2013 17:39

cats, that struck me as well, he was working his socks off years before you were born and he loved it. glad you went out and had a good day with mum and even laughedSmile These good times are all helping to keep the darkness away. every minute you have that isn't dark is a bonus at the moment and allowing your tired mind to restore itself.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 02/07/2013 20:00

@lin - Apparently my dad's nickname used to be delboy - he had a lot of money making schemes when he was a teen. Hope you have a lovely night.

@ Cats - Yes, you're right, he did have a strong work ethic. Don't know how he could summon the energy all the time though. Sometimes I'm so lazy the thought of going downstairs is daunting.

And I bought Tomb Raider and LA Noire. Played Tomb Raider earlier and it's cool. Yet to play LA Noire though it looks good - it's a detective game.

@ Cjel - Today was really good. Not just the laughs with my mum but to be out somewhere. It's amazing what fresh air can do.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 02/07/2013 20:57

That is very strange, my dh was called that on a market in Gran Canaria when he was bartering on a market stall !! Yes had a nice couple of hours with my family. We have been doing this weekly meet. Up for about the last five years now.
On another topic I also have some new games that my dh got for me. I .like doing the hidden object games. Well I have just completed one and looked at one of the others. It's the same game with a different title ! So I feel cheated now.
What games did you get today ?

mummylin2495 · 02/07/2013 21:01

Oh I've just seen what games you bought. !

Original poster
BengalTiger · 02/07/2013 22:03

That's awesome about your DH :) Good to hear you had a nice time with your family. You all sound really close and tightly-knit. That's good.

Anyway I'm pretty tired now. Actually dozed off for a moment then. I think I'm gonna sleep. It's been nice chatting with you. Hope you and everyone else have a nice night :)

OP posts:
cjel · 02/07/2013 22:08

having a good night here. have a good night thereSmile

mummylin2495 · 04/07/2013 12:51

Hello BT. Just checking to see how you are today. Hope it's a good day for you.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 04/07/2013 16:12

Not having the greatest day to be honest. But i'm remaining optimistic.

OP posts:
cjel · 04/07/2013 16:20

just checking in before rushing out. Glad to hear you are trying to be optimistic, sorry to hear today isn't good. What have you been doing?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 04/07/2013 16:26

Just been watching a TV series and eating Walkers and Dairy Milk. I've had a really lazy day.

OP posts:
cjel · 04/07/2013 16:42

just ate walkers(light as i can spread now I'm in middle age!!Smile) and choc chip cookies. Had to have something to keep me going as \i won't have tea till 8. I bet you can eat whatever you want and not gain a pound can't you?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 04/07/2013 16:49

It's well hard for me to put on weight, no matter how much I eat. I actually want to put on weight, cause I'm tall and the height makes me look too skinny in my book. Just don't know how.

OP posts:
CatsAndTheirPizza · 04/07/2013 16:58

Sorry you're having a bad day BT. Walkers and Dairy Milk sounds wonderful though - perfect comfort food (cheese and onion, I hope).

How were the games?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 04/07/2013 17:03

Cheese and onion all the way! Can't get enough of that. My mum's favourite is salt and vinegar. I think she's an alien. No human being can have salt and vinegar as their favourite. The games have been good. Though I'm taking a break from them at the moment. In the guidebook of every game, it says you should take a 15 minute break after every hour of playing. I've never done that before, but I've been playing the games so much, looking at the screen made me feel a bit dizzy and sick. So I've stopped. I think I'll pay more attention to that warning in future.

OP posts:
CatsAndTheirPizza · 04/07/2013 17:14

I think it's probably the dairy milk and walkers making you feel sick! I know what you mean, salt and vinegar doesn't hit the spot. Thanks BT - you've now given me a massive craving for cheese and onion crisps Wink.

I didn't realise you were meant to take a 15 minute break every hour either.

cjel · 04/07/2013 20:42

Yuk can't stand cheese and onion !! I'm salt and vinegar like your mum, I do like quality sea salt and balsamic crisps though!! Stress will keep you thin, My ds always thinks hes too skinny and works out loads and takes those vile protein shake things. Hes 29 and always been sports mad and just done his first 3 triathlons. The only time he really bulked up was when he was in the royal marines on hideous training and eating programme!!

mummylin2495 · 04/07/2013 21:20

Hi BTsorry it's not such a good day today, tomorrow hopefully will be better. Yes they do say to have a break from the screen after a while from playing games.
I am stuck on my game. I have to get some paint from the greenhouse. Which I would if only I could find the damn greenhouse !
Have you anything planned for the coming hot weekend ? I think I won't be doing too much cause I don't like it too hot. Never satisfied , that's me ! Well my gs is nearly at the end of his weeks holiday. He will be home tomorrow night, so I will relax then.
I have a funny story to tell him when he gets back about what his dad ( my ds) did. He called me up to his new decking area and said he had something to show me. I went up there and couldn't see anything , then my ds shone his torch onto the floor and there was the fattest toad I have ever seen. I could of won the fastest mile. I ran away so quickly ! My ds and dh thought it was hilarious. Not so me. I mean I could of had a splodge land on my foot .! Here I go again. Just rambling away, sorryBlush

cjel · 04/07/2013 22:11

thats funny mummy! I have a frog in my pond who just pokes his head out and watches us!!!

mummylin2495 · 04/07/2013 23:53

We have frogs in our own garden as we have a pond, but they are not as fat or ugly as that toad Grin

Original poster
BengalTiger · 05/07/2013 09:14

Hey everyone. Sorry for just disappearing. Turns out the sickness was cause I have a stomach bug. I started throwing up like every 20 mins yesterday evening. Went to the hospital and they said I have a stomach bug. I suspect the takeaway I had the night before. I'm not throwing up as much anymore (once every 2 hours atm) but I feel like garbage.

OP posts:
cjel · 05/07/2013 09:32

Sounds gross Mummylin.
BTSounds like thats no funSad At least you know it isn't all the depression. take a rest day - no choc and crisps today.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 05/07/2013 09:35

@lin - Regarding the plans for the weekend - I was gonna to Manchester on Saturday with a mate of mine to go shopping (she not me - I hate shopping with a passion lol) and maybe watch a film, but now with the way I'm feeling, we'll have to go another time.

The toad story made me laugh. Don't blame ya about the fright! I love animals but reptiles and amphibians aren't exactly my favourite. I love my mammal family :)

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 05/07/2013 09:39

@cjel - It's cool that your son was in the Marines. And sports mad, too - so am I :) I love sports. Used to play a lot of it. These days not so much.I remember competing in a national 100m race for my school and getting humbled by people belonging to the schools down South a year ago. In primary school I always finished 1st in 100m and in secondary, top 3, but my God, competing in the nationals really did bruise my ego lol.

OP posts:
cjel · 05/07/2013 09:44

My son ws the same age as Mo farrah and we used to watch him in the national cross countries, We say that he was in the same races but really even at 14 Mo was finished and showered probably before the rest came in!!! the difference is amazing isn't it?