So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

I must admit I was worried when you said you yesterday wanted DD to be elsewhere and you wanted to write letters. Definitely phone crisis team if you are thinking that way Gracie.
What do you think would make you happier in the short and long term? I know that you are unhappy at the mo because of birth of DD's half sibling and change of your support worker but can you tell us more about what has led you to feel low in the past? No problem if you do not want to talk about it I just wanted to see if we could suggest things.

As dd with grandma why not have take that sleeping tablet you were given and have a nice early night so hopefully you can have energy for day hospital tomorrow. Perhaps have a nice snack before bed, so have energy. Even put something nice on tv/film to help you relax before the sleeping tablet kicks in.

gracie - well done you did what you wanted to, I think that is brilliant news. I am not being condescending, i genuinely understand the effort you have put into today. How are you doing now did you let fogginess drift or are you still trying to struggle? have you got tv you can put on and then you may have a break from thinking?xxx

Got tv on, will take sleeping tablet later but it didn't seem to have much effect. Nothing helps anymore. I can't get over this feeling of abandonment, I can't cope with not seeing people again, I can't do this. Think I really need help or something but scared of not getting it if I ask, and getting told I'm just like this because I've got bpd, and don't cope with stuff. Can't live like this.

You are right that you can't live like this and you won't have to long term. Nothing helps at the moment, that doesn't mean it never will. Is it your X you feel abandoned by? or a non specific sense of being left?

Ok, i'm going to ramble on as it helps until I build up the courage to phone ct. DD isn't here, as I arranged for her to be somewhere, I know what I do/am doing is wrong and soesn't make sense to people. It doesn't make sense to me. I am troubled by stuff that happened in my childhood, not abuse or anything, but it's recently dawned on me that i've always found things hard, and things have been getting harder.

I know children need their mums, I know right now it's not sensible to be drinking, buying tablets to have in the house, lying to people so I can be on my own, giving up work, not accepting help. I know all this, but my head is not letting me behave rationally. I want to get drunk, I want to be on my own, and I want to get to that point when I can take an od. Because I feel like i'm going crazy, I want to be 'normal'.

I do enjoy seeing dd do funny things, but the negative stuff takes over. I feel alone, even when i'm with others. I feel like someones died re cpn leaving, which is ridiculous as I only knew her a few months. Think this has tipped me over the edge, but I have written her a note to tell her no one is to blame but myself.

Sorry this is long, should have written it down for new cpn, but what's the point. She doesn't know me. I don't even know me anymore. Sorry this doesn't make sense

You have written it for your CPN. I hope you ring CT.

YOu are not going crazy. It will not always be like this and you will be able to live alife that you feel is 'normal', I think writing it all down for new cpn is good idea, she may not know you yet but if you take the trouble to 'waffle' it all out as you say she may get to know the real you quicker. have you phoned the ct?

No I don't know what to say. I've got bpd, it's my personality, I'm not ill. They can't do anything.

First and foremost, they can help you manage it in the here and now. I once managed someone with BPD, who lived alone, we talked a lot and she had some troubled times, so I have an inkling of an understanding. (BTW I have been v seriously depressed, to the point where I could hardly bear another day, but I know I felt differently from her, and probably from you. - sorry, now I'm rambling.

What I'm partly saying is that service users stick together, I'll be checking the thread regularly for the next hour or two. [hug]

Gracie please hang in there. Try not to think about the past or the future so much of you possibly can. It's like you're running a marathon at the moment but one day you will get to the finish line and feel better. Hope you've managed to watch some tv and take your sleeping tab. I can only imagine how tough things are for you at the moment but believe me there are many people on mumsnet like me who are thinking of you and routing for you. Really hope you get some sleep tonight, take care x

Ok i've got the sleeping tablet infront of me, but also have packets of other pills. Poured myself a large vodka, sat with my head in my hands, watched a bit of tv, got dd's teddy, then thought I need to take these. I phoned CT and this is how the conversation went
me - 'i'm really struggling tonight'
him (nobhead) 'sorry?!'
mw - 'i'm finding it hard, tried distraction stuff but got the tablets in front of me, and I don't know..' didn't really know what to say
him 'I don't really understand, why have you got tablets out?' not in a nice manner.
I didn't feel I could continue, he spoke to me like I was stupid so I said 'guess i'll just speak to the staff at day hospital tomorrow then?'
him - 'yeah ok'
So, that's why I don't like phoning anyone, but now I feel I need to

Maybe I am in the wrong and took it the wrong way. I hate talking to men.

He doesn't sound remotely helpful gracie. It might be a bit clichéd but would you ring the samaritans? I found them v helpful when I was sat with a pile of pills in front of me... listened and helped me clear my head a bit. Worth a try?

I thought about the samaritans but to be honest i get more support here, and I think they would ask questions that might trigger things, I don't know. Put off ringing anyone now, think i'll take a load iykwim and see if I wake up in the morning. I feel too bad posting here like this so will stop now. My head is a mess

For some reason it seems we are obliged to spell it out at a time when we are afraid to say the words, before CT (or other care profs) get it. Not everyone by any means, but some of them don't seem to be able to take the hint -they don't understand that you are keeping yourself together and need support.

PM'd you gracie

Gracie pick up the pills, put them in a high up cupboard and shut the door. The get into bed. Teeth brushing is optional. Stay with us and your dd for another day x

Hi Gracie
I was out last night.
Sorry to see that you had a very bad evening.
Glad you find us helpful to talk to.
Are you going to day hospital today?

I know you find people leaving you very hard to take. That is understandable.
Please pm me when or if you want or need to x

Hi Gracie Hope you are ok ? Was thinking about you in the night and worrying.

Please don't worry. Woke about 6ish and still lying in bed. Don't want to move. It's too much effort and feeling quite dizzy and shaky. Got to be at hospital soon.

Morning, gracie. Do you think meds are having physical side effects?

I think so, I feel really sick. I don't expect sympathy though.

Well, the question is, are you physically well enough to go to day hosp? If not, perhaps ring in sick(!) to the day hospital.

Go to the day hospital. Its obvious you need the support. Don't turn your back on it Gracie.