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Original poster

So desperate

728 replies

GracieLoo · 03/05/2013 23:54

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

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cjel · 13/05/2013 12:52

Sory I haven't been back before Did you manage to get up and get to the hospital lovely?x

SnowyMouse · 13/05/2013 13:31

I hope you got to the day hospital - they can check you out physically too.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 13/05/2013 14:13

Been to day hospital, left the day hospital. Feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. Spoke to a nurse, got asked again what I think would help. I don't know! Admission was mentioned again. Tired, fed up.

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 13/05/2013 14:37

Don't know if that's the correct expression, but basically feel no ones listening to me. I said I didn't find ct helpful, they said to call them. Wonder if that bloke has had other complaints.

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ColouringInQueen · 13/05/2013 15:12

Hi gracie well done for getting up and out this morning. So does this mean you can call the day hospital now if you need support? Am hoping so. I hope you can put your feet up this pm, maybe watch some tv? Thinking of you, take care x

kerstina · 13/05/2013 17:30

Yes well done for getting there. Have you got chatting with any of the other patients wondered if you could offer support to each other. Not sure how these places work.
That bloke sounds useless its better that you can call the hospital now.

Hoophopes · 13/05/2013 17:42

Hi - do call the crisis team, if you feel you are in crisis before next can go to day hospital. The same guy will not be on repeatedly at nights, they do have shifts.

soaccidentprone · 13/05/2013 17:59

I phoned the cut when I was at my lowest. OK didn't find them at all helpful, and when I went to see my go 2 days later for more dad's there weren't any notes on the system to say I'd phoned them! utter pantsConfused

I phoned Samaritans and they were much easier to talk too.

Gracie, it does get easier, but you need to keep on communicating, through whatever helps you the most. maybe reading would help as a distraction? have you got anyone in rl who can give you a hug? you can borrow one of my cats if that would help. I have 2 fluffy cats who are both soppy and mad as a box of frogsGrin

soaccidentprone · 13/05/2013 18:01

stupid bloody autocorrectBlush

crisis team not cut, and antidepressants not dad!

Original poster
GracieLoo · 13/05/2013 19:50

Sorry i'm not making much sense in my posts, and this is my third attempt at this one! They said i've still got to call the ct, said it won't be the same person. I'm still put off calling them though. Was told to take the extra meds and other stuff to the hospital tomorrow so I feel safer, but i'm not sure, in my messed up head, if I feel safer with those things here.

Admission was mentioned again.

I do talk to some of the other patients, but no one seems on my level. It's quiet there atm, not many to relate to.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 13/05/2013 20:03

Just try to keep working with them, that's all you have to do,

cjel · 13/05/2013 20:11

Well done gracie for getting out and keep on asking. I get the feeling that you feel not listened to and wonder are you getting any one to one counselling sessions wit a counsellor? What sort of things are they doing for you at the hospital. Could you say what you do from the time you get there?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 13/05/2013 20:50

It is so hard to get across how desperate I feel, but I don't hold back and say what I think and do, plans etc. I suppose when they mention admission I panic, and find myself agreeing to their suggestions even though I have no intention of doing them.

I don't get counselling there, they don't want to stir stuff up, but I have a different key worker every day, and can ask to speak to them if I need to. Or if i'm sat there bawling, someone will ask if I want to talk.

There's a bit of sitting around, there's a tv room, have teas/coffees, read paper etc. Then today was a session talking about recognising signs of becoming ill, and what we're like when we're well. Then relaxation/walks (I haven't done these yet), or pottery, baking and all that crap. We have lunch that they provide, then I kind of sit around and leave! Today I left the building, walked about, sat on a wall for about 10/15 minutes and don't think anyone noticed. I feel like just walking out sometimes, don't know what they would do.

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cjel · 13/05/2013 21:02

It sounds a bit mixed?some helpful for you some not?It can be hard when someone hasn't be there for then to understand. have you anyone that you do speak to for counselling? I have the impression you have felt that you are not being listened to and even just now you posted you didnt think they would notice if you left. Wondering if you would benefit from one hour a week of one to one counselling? has anyone suggested it to you?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 13/05/2013 21:10

I'm on the waiting list for psychology. Was seeing cpn weekly, so i'm not without support, it just feels like that sometimes.

It is mixed, and sometimes I just sit there thinking what is this about? How is it helping? But I should be grateful i'm there. Can tell they worry about some of the stuff I say, which has become normal thinking for me, but seeing their reaction scares me a bit, and brings it home that I do need serious help!

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Hoophopes · 13/05/2013 21:27

Hi, has DBT group therapy been suggested as that is meant to be the best treatment for bpd? Can take a while to get space on the course as it is not a short course but meant to be good. Might be worth asking about. Have to be stable to do it though, but with waiting lists worth getting on one. Forgot to mention it in my last post.

I found lots of waiting around in day hospital too. Because people are there who need gentle activities for, I struggled with it. I was told being frustrated with the day hospital was good sign, showed I was we'll enough not to be there and for me that was the case.

cjel · 13/05/2013 21:27

if you get option try and see if you could get person centred counselling,gentle at your own pace and keep yourself safe at all times.I suppose if they are not qulified to listenat the day hospital they may find some of your things not normal but I haven't heard anything from you that has scared me. I can see that it may be of benefit if only as a way to fill your days, but feel that once you have counsellor and cpn the stuff they offer at day hospital will be of more benefit. It may be not what you need this week but you may find some of the doing things better as you improve. how long is the waiting list for counsellor

Original poster
GracieLoo · 14/05/2013 08:44

Fighting against these really strong urges this morning. This is not letting up. I don't know how to deal with anymore. Everyone must be getting fed up with me, I'm getting fed up with me. Hate urges that make you feel like it's the only way.

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cjel · 14/05/2013 09:20

Promise I am not getting fed up with you, only fed up that you still have to struggle. Hate urges on your behalf!! Have you got day hospital today? could you take offer of talking to someone there? and don't worry about upsetting them, they have probably heard it before.xx

TheSilveryPussycat · 14/05/2013 09:27

No-one is getting fed up with you! There is a part of you that is trying to find peace, however it is going about it the wrong way. It sounds off the wall, but that peace might be found through baking, pottery or walking, when you are up to it, certainly I find baking v soothing.

cjel · 14/05/2013 09:31

I'm know what you mean silver, but When i have been so down its been hard to get joy from anything,and even getting up and dressed can take all the energy i had so had to go back for a rest after my shower!! only after other help has got me quite 'up' again have i been able to concentrate on anything else.

TheSilveryPussycat · 14/05/2013 09:39

yes, I know cjel that's why I put 'when you are up to it.' When I was really depressed (though not suicidal) I just sat, drank tea and smoked cigs. For six months Sad

Even now I sometimes find it hard to get going (think it might be inattentive ADD) - and have to take baking step by little step, starting with getting out the ingredients, so when a baking moment comes, I am ready...

cjel · 14/05/2013 09:42

love the idea of having 'a baking moment' turn up!!

ColouringInQueen · 14/05/2013 09:55

Hi Gracie, those urges are horrible - I do sympathise. I had them for a while and know how wearing it is. But keep posting here. We sympathise and we're here for you. I hope there's someone at the day hospital you can talk to today. I end up reverting to the tv when have no motivation for anything else... so it's Matthew Wright this morning. Take care x

Original poster
GracieLoo · 14/05/2013 10:18

Really don't want to be here today. There's none of the staff here that I like. Getting used to coming here too which for me isn't a good thing, what with me having 'attachment' and 'abandonment' issues! As when it gets near the end my mood dips again. I get told I have too much insight so that makes it harder to understand why I do these things. Rambling again, sorry

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