GL
I've been having therapy, keeping a mood diary and had my ad's changed and am now in a much better place than I was a couple of months ago.
I thought about suicide all the time, as I had just had enough and didn't see a future for myself. But tbh I am scared of death and dying.
Exh committed suicide 12 years ago when ds1 was 5. The ripples of repercussions are still having an effect all these years later. Ds1 has had 2 lots of counselling with Cruise. Ds1 seems to be a bad place too atm. He doesn't answer his mobile or texts, doesn't come home at night sometimes. I sometimes think he blames me for leaving his dad and the resulting suicide. I don't blame myself at all. He was sectioned, and was very good at manipulating people into thinking he was ok, when he clearly wasn't.
You have the self awareness to know that your thinking and behaviour is skewed, and that you have the capacity to ask for help.
It will get better. I know it's difficult, and that sometimes what feels like the easiest option for you is just so final and will affect your dd in years to come. I am not trying to guilt trip you, but you need to find the resources within yourself to take a step back, to talk to your friends and family, to be honest with them. Let them help you. You deserve it, and your dd needs you.
The problem with depression is that it affects how you interpret other people's reactions, what they say, how they say it etc, putting a negative spin on everything.
You need to carry on communicating with the ct, with your cpn, and with the hospital. It isn't easy, but if you believe that this is just a phase, and that in a week, or 2 weeks, or a month you will feel differently, then that will give you the strength to carry on and not just give up.
I hope this helps, and just take it hour by hour, day by day. I actually found swimming really helps me, as I have to concentrate to swim the correct strokes which takes my mind off things, and also makes me tired enough to sleep. 