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Original poster

So desperate

728 replies

GracieLoo · 03/05/2013 23:54

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 10/05/2013 20:31

Then please ring Crisis Team.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 21:02

Ok, had a bath with lavender - still don't feel good. This is not good. Might phone ct but scared of what they'll say, and don't want to mess up everyone's weekend.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 10/05/2013 21:08

Better to ring now.

cjel · 10/05/2013 22:18

oh my lovely. please ring for support. they have asked you to phone them tey are working, you are not a burden to them ,, you are the person they have come into work to help. Please can you just give them a quick call to see what they suggest?xx

Hoophopes · 10/05/2013 23:07

Hope you can phone for help. They can talk to you, visit you whatever you need for support. Do you have any prn medication for times like this?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 23:07

Phoned ct, waste of time. I should try to sleep.

OP posts:
Hoophopes · 10/05/2013 23:11

On a lighter note, yep day hospitals seem to specialise in puzzles, word searches etc!!!! Think theory is looking at things can help(hence why tv on all day in hospitals) even if cannot do it!

cjel · 10/05/2013 23:29

thinking of you tonight gracie, wishing you a long sleepxx

cjel · 11/05/2013 08:56

morning gracie, how did the night go?

kerstina · 11/05/2013 13:31

Hi Gracie hope you managed to sleep ? How are you today ?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 11/05/2013 14:37

I slept but not as well as I thought with a sleeping tablet, felt awful this morning, and really tired and out of it today. Finding it really hard trying to get on with it, finding this living business really hard.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 11/05/2013 14:40

I'm glad you slept some Gracie Just take it one small step at a time.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 11/05/2013 17:28

Just want to cry. Thought I'd try to have a normal day but I can't, everything feels slow and distant. Being with dd is making me sad as I don't feel like a proper mum.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 11/05/2013 17:32

You are a good mum to your daughter.

SnowyMouse · 11/05/2013 17:33

Have you seen/had contact with the crisis team today?

cjel · 11/05/2013 17:48

you are being hard and impatient with yourself again gracie> your dd loves you very much and you are a lovely mum to her , one who just isn't doing what she wants AT THE MOMENT. the change will come and you will be the mother you want to be, but for now accept that what you are for her is more than enough.xxx

Original poster
GracieLoo · 11/05/2013 18:44

Dd has just said something that has made me feel utterly crap. Driving around crying. I don't want to carry on, I can't, tried this week and hoped things would improve slightly but it hasn't and I can't see it happening. I'm taking the meds but what's the point if they're not working, I miss my cpn too much to carry on without her support, and I've been told I really need psychotherapy to get better but still on waiting list and what if it doesn't even work. Got dd but was thinking of getting someone to have her soon so I can do what I want to do. Do what is swarming around in my head making everything else impossible.

OP posts:
cjel · 11/05/2013 18:45

what has upset you so much gracie?

Hoophopes · 11/05/2013 18:49

Why not tell CT that you are with your dd and struggling? They may come and see you or at least talk with you.

It is sad when lose a good mental health worker, but ultimately a good mental health worker will help you to manage without their help, rather than want to have contact with them. So I am sure the new person will just be as skilled and may be able to help you in ways the other cpn didn't or couldn't. It is good you know what treatments you need to recover, although waiting is sadly part of the course as so many people need therapy there isn't enough resources (I know, I had 9 sessions last year, then therapist moved jobs and I didn't get any more help... the worse I got the more they said I wasn't stable enough to access help and as it was a scarce resource I had to wait until would make most use of it! Frustrating at the time, got given crisis team etc as that was what was best at that time too, even if I couldn't see it).

Can you phone crisis team and tell them honestly what you are thinking of? About needing to keep dd safe? they can help you and are very quick at reacting when children are involved, as long as you tell them everything,

Ilikethebreeze · 11/05/2013 18:54

I think that psychotherapy will help you Gracie. I really do.
Is there any way that you could be put further up the waiting list.
Is there someone you can ask about that do you think?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 11/05/2013 18:55

Just something children say, but it hurt and confirms my fears about my depression affecting her. Last time I had psychotherapy I wasn't stable enough, it doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense. Want to hurt myself so badly. I feel dead inside, I might ring ct later but if it's the same bloke as last night I'm hanging up.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 11/05/2013 19:01

Ringing ct later is a good idea.
I think psychotherapy will work this time.

Children are not really mature enough to know what they are saying at her age. x

cjel · 11/05/2013 19:02

could you see that if its 'just something children say' it may not be related to your depression? will hurting yourself help in some way? have you a friend in RL that you can call?xx

SnowyMouse · 11/05/2013 19:07

It will probably be someone different tonight.

cjel · 11/05/2013 19:12

You also managed very well last night with person you didi't like on the phone, I know its really draining and you feel as if you have nothing else to go on with but you will - every day you will have bad times and not so bad times - whatever happens you may feel like hell but you will get through it whether you find someone helpful on the phone or not. You have more reserves than you think and although you can't see it today you also have the strength to heal yourself with quite limited support. How are you now?