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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

So desperate

728 replies

GracieLoo · 03/05/2013 23:54

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

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GracieLoo · 09/05/2013 23:29

Tried distraction but nothing is really working. I want to sleep, but I cry. I think I've got real problems right now, I'm not good at all. I can't do this anymore.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 10/05/2013 00:12

Gracie lie down and get some physical rest, even if you can't sleep. Please don't worry about crying - it is a healthy reaction to the way you are feeling, rather like on vicar's thread, where we all understand about needing to hide under the duvet during the day.

kerstina · 10/05/2013 07:53

Have you got any self help books in the house you could reread? These type of books really help me see a different way of thinking and reading would be a good distraction for you. Have you read the power of now ? Self help for your nerves? I also like don't sweat the small stuff.They make me feel a bit more positive and a bit more hopeful. Thinking of you Gracie I keep checking this thread to see how you are.

cjel · 10/05/2013 08:24

Morning gracie. It seems as though you will never improve doesn't it? BUT you will my lovely, you will. Being sad about dds new family is normal, I expect it was the dream you had for her when she was born so it will be hard to think of her getting somewhere else. She isn't leaving you though and you are not losing her, her dads family is an extra to the love and life she has with you.I wish i could tell you that this time in your life isn't forever and that it is very possible to recover completely. When my cpn left it helped me to recognise how much I was able to do myself. You can still keep doing the things you planned together because it is you that is doing them, she was only an aide. I want to give you a big hug and say hhow fantastic you really are doing. I dont want to tell you too much of what I've been like in the past but getting up and going out, posting here,caring for dd ( even underselling yourself with the soup!!) are signs of living!!one thing I will say I moved once and dcs stayed somewhere else for a few days I only found out years later , I hadn't even noticed they weren't there!! We all have stories like that and the frustration of not doing and being what we think we should be is heartbreaking, you WILL get there youWILL feel better and your life WILL be better than it is today.
What time are you going to the hospitall today?x

GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 09:40

I really want a big hug, can't remember the last time I got a hug not including dd, but that's my fault for not letting people get close.

Just about to go to day hospital, but sat in car crying. I don't want to walk in there crying. I want to stop all this. I'm taking the meds every day but not feeling any improvement, and it's really difficult.

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GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 09:42

And no I haven't tried self help books, been given lots of print outs etc in the past, I find it hard to put into practice when I'm already that low.

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kerstina · 10/05/2013 09:49

Gracie how long have you been taking meds? They can take a while to kick in ? You are going through a tough time with the birth of dds half sister and your change of support worker. I think I would feel the same but you will get through it and have happier times.
Is there any pattern to your mood diary? Certain times of the month I can feel completely flat and hopeless but then things pick up.
Sending you a big virtual hug xx

kerstina · 10/05/2013 09:52

Yes I understand that completely.Keep talking on here you know yourself you are not alone there are other people who feel as low. I have noticed you have offered support to other people in the past which is lovely of you.

GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 10:17

Before I came in here I phoned to speak to the new cpn, I can't connect to her, I can just tell, and that panics me. I was talking about how I felt on Monday, and I was sorry I was in a state and didn't get to say thanks and proper goodbye. She cut me off and said she'll see me next week. And go in to talk to staff here. They are short staffed today, with only 1 qualified, annoying support staff and students.

Fed up with putting negative stuff so sorry. Will try post something good if it happens.

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Ilikethebreeze · 10/05/2013 10:43

Can you ask for a different cpn?
That would not mean you are difficult. People all react differently to different people.

TheSilveryPussycat · 10/05/2013 10:44

Gracie give your new cpn a chance at least. Sadly she is probably dealing with too many clients, and had to prioritise her time today - it doesn't mean you won't be able to connect, it just means that knowing you were going to the hospital today, she had to make the difficult decision to prioritise her other clients this morning. Hope you have been able to talk to staff at hosp today - that is what they are for, and that is the place where they should be prioritising you and the others who attend.

Sending my biggest virtual hug.

cjel · 10/05/2013 12:36

we can take negative gracie - no worries!! have you manged to get out of the car and go in yet?

GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 15:17

I talked to a doctor, now a bit worried as they've just said I'm going to talk to two more staff, and they've said they'll see if there's a space in their carpark for my car Feeling a bit disorientated and shaky, kind of scared but feel a weird sense of calm. Don't know what's going on, want to be in my bed.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 10/05/2013 16:33

You are getting help, Gracie love. Don't fight it if you can help it, that weird sense of calm is good.

GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 16:59

They started talking to me about admission over the weekend. I was trying to concentrate, it was such an effort to talk and focus. They said it was either that, or could I be with people and stay safe and promise to ring ct if I needed to. They said hospital isn't a nice place to be, with panic alarms going off etc, but they need to know I'm going to be safe. I said I'd text a friend to come over and had plans with dd over the weekend. They gave me three sleeping tablets and I've come home and got in bed. I feel disconnected from everything.

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Hoophopes · 10/05/2013 17:16

Hi, sorry so shaky but good you been able to ask for help and do ask friends and family to be around you this weekend. Much better to be at home than in hospital. Do not worry about asking people to be with you and dd, if you were in hospital people would have to have dd so much better they can support you right now. Well done for being honest with them.

Do not worry too much about new Cpn -as others said if lots of people nededing help she would not prioritise you as you have day hospital and others have only her right now. Hard to accept that, but Cpn support is limited and if they have lots of people struggling they have to make tough decisions. Does not mean new Cpn not helpful to you.

GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 17:33

I'm in a strange place right now. Torn between taking an od or fighting through this weekend. Don't want to say which thought is winning. Think this week has taken it out of me. Just remembered something the doctor said earlier, he asked 'don't you care about your daughter?'. I do but I can't cope with what's going on in my head.

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Ilikethebreeze · 10/05/2013 17:41

That was a silly thing for your doctor to say.
We know you care about your DD very much indeed.

Have you texted a friend to come over?

GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 17:50

No I'm too tired and I don't want to see anyone.

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Ilikethebreeze · 10/05/2013 17:52

Gracie, do you think you should admit yourself back to day hospital?
Is your DD with you all weekend now?

GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 17:59

Day hospital ends at 3, just got crisis team for the weekend. Got dd tomorrow and Sunday. Feel like today didn't really happen, was the strangest, longest day ever. Got a headache but if I start taking tablets I might not stop. And if I get out of bed I might end up buying booze and pills. Do u know what they gave me to distract, word searches?! Are they having a laugh, I can barely write my name right now!

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SnowyMouse · 10/05/2013 18:14

Sounds like a good time to ring the crisis team.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 10/05/2013 18:33

Gracie please text a friend to come over. You don't need to talk to them, just let them be there. Keep posting.

nenevomito · 10/05/2013 19:04

Maybe a weekend in hospital would have been OK, as you would have had on-tap support there. At the very least call a friend xx

GracieLoo · 10/05/2013 20:11

Actually wishing I was in hospital now. Not making good decisions.

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