So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

It takes time to build up trust and rapport with someone, and for them to get to know your story. No wonder it is hard when they leave and then to have to start again with someone new. Crying can be good though. When you feel a bit better could you watch the film with DD? or is it something unbearably Shrek, in my case

[GracieLoo]

Yeah I keep messing up my posts, can tell my brains not working properly. And it's taking me ages to type.

I'm going to the day hospital for two weeks, for no longer because of my attachment issues. Calmed down enough to do her tea and bath/bed, then I can fall apart again. Had some other news today too, dd has a half sister born 11 weeks early, so have to try explain that to her. God I wish i'd never woken up today.

[Ilikethebreeze]

fwiw, I dont think your dd, at her age, will mind having a half sister.
But hard going for you today.

[GracieLoo]

She's excited, it's just i've got to explain to her the baby is tiny, poorly and will be in hospital.

Really, really struggling this evening. Finding it hard to feel positive about anything. Think it was just a shock about my CPN leaving, as she said she wouldn't be leaving for a long time. I'm still crying, can't stop and feel sick.

[cjel]

well done for doing bath and bed, that was amazing.I know how hard it can be to focus on dcs when you feel so crap. My cpn left in the middle of treatment but the replacement was very good and I managed to get well with their support. any chance that you can focus on this evening and try not to go through all the future possiblities when you are tired.?

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Are you up to silly telly? The Apprentice started yesterday, and 2nd prog is just about to be on. And this year the candidates are very silly.

warm wishes x

[GracieLoo]

Been on the phone to ct, just had to cry and talk to someone. Didn't think I could possibly feel worse. Thoughts aren't good, so, so low. Sorry to be so negative.

[ColouringInQueen]

How are you doing now Gracie?

[GracieLoo]

Like I don't want to be here, tired of feeling like this. Feel myself sinking into a dangerous place.

[ColouringInQueen]

//hugs I know it is so hard feeling like this for a long time, but please just keep going. It will get better and you will then realise how important you are to your DD. I know it doesn't feel like that now but it will come.

Are you off to bed soon? What can you do to distract your mind?

I'm sure you know but the Samaritans are really helpful in this situation. I know because I've called them when I was at my worst and they were kind. 08457 90 90 90. I have to go to bed now as I'm wiped by my day, but you have a lot of friends here and we'll be here for you tomorrow x

[GracieLoo]

Tried reading a magazine last night to distract myself, found it hard to get to sleep then was awake at 2.30 crying. Feels like i'm getting all the support there is, I still feel crap and there's no hope now. I will engage in the activities at day hospital and talk to them, but worried about when I get discharged to new cpn, I'll have to get to know her and I don't see it working as the last one was so good. It's hard to admit, but I feel like giving up.

[GracieLoo]

Tried ringing my cpn as think it would help to talk to her one last time. Don't know if it was the right thing to do, or if she'll call back. Crying already, at the day hospital. Feel like I've really lost it now.

[violetsrblue]

Hang in there Gracie, I think the day hospital will help, it did me when I used to go, it's good to not be on your own too much when you feel so bad, (hugs).

[cjel]

I'd like to say that it is alright to feel as you do now and that your mood will change. No low mood lasts forever. You sound as if you are frightened to go to the dark places.do you know what frightens you about going there or even giving up? can you go with the flow and see where it leads you? accept your low mood and accept that it will always lift. don't be too hard on yourself for where you are now.It takes time. it is a process that you may have a small step forward then a step back.but you will be slowly moving in the right direction all the time. CPN will hopefully be knowledgable enough to be of help, could you take the risk of trusting her from the start to save time?

[GracieLoo]

Back from day hospital, cried lots. It's a strange atmosphere but at least I know what to expect as 2nd time there.

Old cpn hasn't rung, so I'm guessing she didn't think it was a good idea. Might phone cmht to speak to new cpn, might be good for me to speak to her. Feel drained, such an emotional wreck.

[cjel]

if you are drained , rest and then make calls whe you feel bit more refreshed. Sounds like it may be a good idea to phone CPN and then you may not worry so much about relationship once you've started it.xx

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Gracie it is OK to keep on without hope for now. Just so long as you do keep on. You've done well: talking to CT, going to day hosp, doing lots of crying. And of course posting on MN!

warm wishes and

[cjel]

have you got dd with you? how have you managed bath and bedtime today?

[GracieLoo]

I am terrified of going to the 'dark place' as each time it gets worse, lasts for longer and I get very impulsive. Hope day hospital does help, it's quiet there right now, and what i'm finding hard, is I seem to be struggling the most, where as last time there were others obviously in a worse place. I know it's not a competition and everyone's illness is different, but I actually feel I belong there, and I don't really want to feel at home in a mental hospital

I rang cmht, the receptionist said once a CPN has signed over then that's it. The new CPN wasn't available. I hung up and burst into tears. Have got dd, didn't do bath, she had soup for tea (not great I know), then bed. Haven't got her tomorrow until saturday, and so I have not so good plans in place, although at day hospital all day so will try to talk to someone.

[cjel]

Soups a lovely tea!! do you always get out of dark place? You do belong at the hospital at the moment and its ok that you feel safe there. Remember if you had cancer and felt at home on the cancer ward you wouldn't feel a failure would you? try not to beat yourself up because you are not well at the moment. I have been as low as you and now hardly remember the despair and fear. I'm sure you can get well it sounds as if you have impatience with how long your recovery is taking? thats quite a positive sign as well because it means that somewhere in you there is the desire to be well?

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Bless you, one summer my DC had fish fingers, ham, bits of cheese, cucumber and bread and butter for tea most days, twas all I could manage to get together, and I wasn't much good at thinking or decding as I was in a down phase, so it took the pressure off a little. Soup is good. Be gentle on yourself [hug]

They are lovely young adults now, btw.

[cjel]

My kids call that a pick and mix tea and they think its a treat!! They are 30 and 28 now and also lovely parents themselves who also give their dcs pick and mix and they aren't ill!!!

[Hoophopes]

Soup sounds very nutritious!

Sorry you struggling with Cpn situation. Here if under day hospital they are in charge of your care (as referred as need more support than Cpn level for short time) so perhaps that is similar where you are which is why no Cpn involvement readily right now? Hope you get what you need from day hospital tomorrow.

[GracieLoo]

I am struggling with it and i'm so frustrated with how upset I've been. I'm so gutted, feel like i've been left in the lurch, she was going to help me with job stuff and we'd started a mood diary and a list of stuff we were working through. I don't know what will happen when I get discharged back to the new CPN.

Crying again. Dd was so excited today talking about her new sister. I just felt this empty feeling that she's part of that family, and i'm not. I should be giving her a proper family and i'm not.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Gracie these days you should have a proper written care plan, so that you and the CPNs can provide as seamless care as is possible. You have some responsiblities too, in managing your condition. Calling for help is one, you've done that, complying with treatments is another, you're doing that. So carry on keeping your mood diary, and make sure you've got the list you made with the old CPN to show the new one.

One step at a time. For me, the next step is often a and a mindless chillout - just listening, and letting the thoughts, if any, flit through you mind like butterflies...