So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

I have to tell someone, but I don't think people realise how hard and scary that is. I feel like I'm not normal and I'm constantly 'pretending'. I come across fine, some people would never know.

Also I've been treated like that by men for the last fifteen years or so. It must be me.

Sat outside again, keep sensing someone is here, spying on me. Keep hearing stuff. Because I look so normal on the outside I don't think people believe me when I tell them my thoughts.

The GP and other HCP won't be mocking you. They just want you to get better. I

Your thinking is not quite right, but it's probably your low self-esteem that is attracting the wrong sort of person. I would focus on getting well and rebuilding your life without thinking about blokes for the time being.

Take care and I wish you a good night's sleep.

gracie, please don't think you are the only one feeling like you do. there are a lot of us who have pretended over the years and some who are still doing it. when you look at others you can't tell that they aren't hiding like you.
Also don't underestimate the amount of control that you ave over your actions. you are controlling them, even if you think you are delaying that is a control. you are doing brilliantly. try and recognise how much you are doing to move yourself to health. your gp and hv are believing what you say and also want the best for you and that means getting your support appropriate helpxxxxx

I know I'm in control of my actions, but it's when I really want to do something, I feel I'm in control and it feels right at the time, and I can't think rationally. I keep posting stuff then deleting it as it doesnt make sense. My minds racing with too many thoughts but I can't put it into words. I'm so tired but got to drive somewhere in a bit. So tired, on autopilot. This is a struggle today.

Is it like a "zone" that you go into?
Do you recognise that you are in that place when it happens?

hello gracie. how did drive go?sorry you are so tired and struggling.how was this afternoon?x

It is like a zone I go into, and it's hard to get out of. Then it becomes so unbearable there feels like only one option.

Been rushing around today doing things that needed to be done, appts (not mh for once) and dd's stuff.

I feel trapped at the moment. But don't feel like I'm really here. I really need more sleep tonight.

Yes, try and get some sleep

Glad you had busy day. Those feelings are crap when everything seem overwhelming, you are coping with them so well.hope you can get a long refreshing sleepxx

morning gracie, still here.x

I managed to get to sleep quite early last night but woke up early this morning, and feel like I haven't slept. If this exhaustion would lift then I would be able to cope better. Making me feel anxious about stupid things and I feel like crying. Things like I should have put washing on, and feel crap for not doing so, but then worrying about it raining if I hung washing out! I haven't even done the bloody washing to hang out, so I know I'm worrying over nothing!

I've written down what I need to do this week, and I keep checking my diary so I don't forget anything, but still got this horrible anxiety all the time. Didn't even manage to shower as it felt too much like hard work today, now feel gross as hair needs washing.

Feel like I haven't properly spoken to anyone in RL for ages and it's getting too much in my head, bottling it in. Seeing cpn on Friday but dreading it as don't want to feel worse.

I'm sorry but i laughed at the thought of you worrying about rain! I remember worrying about daft things and even being able to recognise it was daft was good. anxiety is horrid isn't it? fancy washing your hair now? what are you going to do today? I used to go to little local shop to buy something so I would have spoken to someone.x

I too had a chuckle! Partly a chuckle of recognition - I've had those kinds of thoughts, and also often sometimes I am well behind with washing, both of clothes and myself

Have you tried actually talking to yourself out loud - I find it surprisingly helpful, I do it round the house (there's just me and DCat), and when I am out walking on my own.

I've just spilt hot tea all down my leg I'm so jittery and not functioning too well. Been to job centre, still not sure whether I'm entitled to ESA or job seekers. Feel such a failure for being in this situation. I can't shift this headache. Want to ask someone to get dd but I can't. Just keep thinking if I can keep going until i'm on my own for a while..

Remember what I said about a backdated sick note? Did you get one?

I went to the GP all ready to ask him, but don't feel I'm justified to ask. Feel a bit of a fraud actually. Seeing him again Monday so will try to talk about it, and what would be best. Part of me knows it'll keep me busy but then I've had a couple of jobs that I've left/been signed off from, after basically having a breakdown, as recent events prove.

But the other part of me feels like a fake to try to prove to employers I'm suitable for a job, i would be lying! I feel so fragile emotionally, I need time to have treatment etc, but that could fit around work. I don't know! I don't even want to think about next week let alone the next couple of months, I can't do simple things without it being a bit stress. And I keep having thoughts that aren't good, so why plan for the future?

good idea to plan for the future because you never know you may be well again then. I think that it seems to be strong women who go down with such a bump and feel unworthy of everything. why don't you have a chat with gp and he'll decide whether or not you meet the criteria for a backdate sick note.? you won't have lost anything if he says yes.

You're not a fraud, only fraud's are frauds, if that makes sense - you're not asking for a sick note because you can't be bothered to work, you're asking because you don't think you could cope with work right now. Your GP will listen to you and has your best interests at heart.

If you are entitled to any benefits and therefore don't have immediate financial pressure to work, you could still set future plans for yourself in other ways. For example, you could see if there are any evening classes you could join, or do some volunteering. That way you can be working towards something but without the pressure of actually having to work. I think you need to do what's best for you and what will make you better, that's the main priority.

How's it going Gracie?

Hello gracie, long time no hear?

Still here, just don't know what to say. Everything feels too much, felt ill the last few days. Seeing cpn this morning and I'm really nervous, don't want to go. Fed up with all the appts and promises and getting nothing. SS said they'll provide the support we need, but have just arranged monthly meetings and that's it. They haven't even contacted dd's nursery or dad, after panicking me about doing so. I've turned to the children's centre instead and they are so much better, I can phone them, drop in to chat, they are going to book me onto parenting courses and maybe a single parent group. SS can do one, all they do is worry people, don't get to know the families at all and make judgements that aren't true. I'm not anti-ss but do feel let down by them.

Really not wanting to see cpn, so tempting to cancel but I'm not allowed. I need to get dressed, get dd ready, same old story... struggling as usual. Last night the temptation of od'ing was there. Start visualising doing it, sleeping is the only distraction.

gracie you may not think it yourself but your post gives me great hope for you. Especially the fact that you have linked up with the children's centre and are thinking SS can do one! (I expect SS are sadly overworked btw)

I really hope it goes well with the cpn, sending hugs.

hope you get the support you need from childrens centre, they seem to have taken over what we should expect for ss these days don't they?
I am really hoping that there is some sort of breakthrough for you with cpn today. remember if you post when you get back it may help you see it more clearly like when you went to gp.
If best wishes could make it go well it would be a lovely meetingxxx

Hi SS are indeed very overworked, but do not think they are not helping- even if behind the scenes. It will be because of SS involvement that you have got more joined up care, that may have helped you get 2 sessions a week with a Cpn ( which is not the usual amount), also they have spoken with your dm so hopefully got more support there. They also work with children's centres - in fact much of SS provision is usually done through children's centres things as that is where the government money is. For instance they run PEEPS classes and courses that not every parent can access, so the fact you are under SS etc will open up doors for you. Most parents are not able to use children's centres in the way you are ( mine is hardly ever open it seems!!) so you are getting lovely support from them. A single parent group sounds helpful.

SS are basically in charge of a budget but do not have the people themselves to provide the actual work I think.

Were SS not providing funding for a support worker for you? Why not ask your Cpn to find out what is happening with that? Also do you want dd's dad to know, if you do then you can ask the SW to contact him. I guess they will only contact him themselves if they think that you are struggling too much and he may need to have dd more often etc? Just thinking aloud.

How did it go with your Cpn?

Ay nice plans for the weekend.

Have you got your gp to check your blood levels etc just in case the tiredness is physical illness etc?