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Original poster

So desperate

728 replies

GracieLoo · 03/05/2013 23:54

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/06/2013 11:25

Morning, I'm doing my usual stupid thing of sitting frozen in my car not wanting to get out and meet my friend. It's just a coffee sonewhere I've been millions of times before!

I'm knackered as only slept for 6 hours last night, so I feel drained and on edge. Also my head is really sore as over the last week or so I keep picking at patches on my scalp, making it bleed, then picking the scabs. There are quite a lot and it hurts and I can't stop doing it. Sounds gross I know. Why am I so screwed up? Anyway need to put on my 'normal' mask now, then will go home to bed or get drunk later to numb this shitty illness (yes I know it'll make things worse but not sure I care anymore, of course about dd but not myself).

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/06/2013 11:28

Oh I don't want to sound irresponsible but it's just what I feel like doing even though I know it's wrong Sad . Feeling like everyone around me is watching me, getting anxious and want to hide. They know everything about me, it's like they know what's in my mind.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 15/06/2013 15:10

gracie I have picked at my scalp for much of my life - think with me it is an Aspie trait. luckily I had a lot of dandruff so tended not to make it bleed One thing I used to do when I was about 10 was put a pinch of sugar in my hair, and then spend hours picking it out again. Yes I know it's weird, but wondered if it might be a way of doing this activity without hurting your head. Whatever gets you through the night! as John Lennon sang.

hugs and Brew

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/06/2013 18:34

Didn't last long, think I talked too much and too fast in an effort to hide what I feel like. Sometimes I feel like talking, today I didn't. Tried to have a nap but paranoia was keeping me awake. Need to go back out as have no milk or dinner, but I don't know if I can face it. I can't think straight.

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cjel · 15/06/2013 18:37

Glad you went. if you can't think straight can you think wobbly?xxx

cjel · 15/06/2013 20:15

Hi gracie, did you go out? have you got food?x

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/06/2013 20:22

No and no. Been stupid and typically bpd too and contacted a my first care co ordinator. I know she won't/can't reply, don't know why I do these things. Only make me feel worse. Getting stupid urges again, when will I get a break from this. The thought of not being here is such a relief.

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cjel · 15/06/2013 20:31

you are not stupid. don't worry about contacting care co ordinator , if she can't reply you won't have caused her a problem. Urges will stop, they will pass they are stupid you are right. I say again, what you want is to live happy life without feeling bad - not the false hope of the belief you have of not being here. try and get yourself some food - can you distract with tv or music for a bit?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/06/2013 21:21

Been watching tv but it's not distracting me much. Just started doing something, not sure how much detail I can post, and don't want to look attention seeking. But suddenle realised what the hell I was doing, yet it felt so right and normal. Might have a cigarette as a distraction, and I don't even smoke, just in emergencies.

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/06/2013 21:22

Keep making mistakes on here, and the ocd in me is making me pissed off about it! Hate mistakes.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 15/06/2013 21:55

I know those urges gracie and have followed them up (usually to do with unrequited love in my case). It is good that you recognise them as part of the pattern of bpd - I used to work with someone with that diagnosis, and I could see the distress she often felt. OTOH I know someone with a dual diagnosis of bdp and bipolar, who found Dialectical (?) Behaviour Therapy to be useful to her, for the bpd.

You are doing well noticing what you are doing. That is actually v good progress. More hugs and Brews.

cjel · 15/06/2013 22:03

cigarettes sound better thatn what you started gracie? would you take care of gracie for me tonight? I can't be there to do it for you and she is special to me?x

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/06/2013 22:11

I don't want to, I don't think I deserve it after everything I've put everyone through. Mind feels muddled and don't know if what I'm saying makes sense. Think usually I would have called someone but my cpn and sw are making me not want to do that. Don't feel I'm bad enough anyway and would be totally wasting their time. Should go to bed but I can't, this isn't going to go away.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 15/06/2013 22:20

I meant the urges to contact someone, not the other ones, in case that wasn't clear.

Deserving does not come into it. Or to put it a slightly different way, everybody deserves to live, imho.

TheSilveryPussycat · 15/06/2013 22:22

We could talk about something totally unrelated.

Are you a cook or a baker by nature?
Do you do a craft?

I love to bake and eat the results
and I can knit, but cannot sew or crochet

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/06/2013 22:30

Sorry I meant the other urges, I know i'm coming being clear either.

I am quite artistic, and used to like cooking, but see no point in any of it anymore. Sorry to sound so negative. I am trying to think to think of something I enjoy.. sorry Sad Am looking forward to taking dd out somewhere special and planned soon, but I keep thinking I bet she'll end up crying and grumpy and i'll be impatient, so maybe someone else should take her.

Feel dizzy and spaced out, think i'm losing it again, I don't want to, I don't want this

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/06/2013 22:30

God my posts make no sense, not drunk I promise!

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TheSilveryPussycat · 15/06/2013 22:52

Blimey, I'm looking for something to talk about, I know it all feels pointless for you atm, and I remember what it was like. A friend came and stayed with me, all she did was put music on, I remained severely depressed (but not suicidal) and continued doing nothing but drink tea, smoke cigs, and try, not very successfully, to talk with her.

It didn't feel like it was helping. But looking back, I think it did.

Artistic? painter, musician, ??

I can draw reasonably well, but that's about it. Making diagrams using spreadsheets is my forte [geek] Blush I do wish I could play a musical instrument though. The nearest skill I've got to that is touch typing!

cjel · 15/06/2013 23:06

Gracie would you change the 'i feel no point in any of it any more' to i feel no point in it 'AT THE MOMENT' I do feel that you have a tough core that feels you would like a future. Where are you thinking you would like to take dd? how old is she?

cjel · 15/06/2013 23:15

gracie feeling spaced out could be the tiredness catching up with you again. try going to bed and let the sleep helpx tomorrow is another day nearer being well.Smile

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/06/2013 23:24

I'm tired. I need to plan this properly, get everything sorted. Tonight kind of snuck up on me, I was pretending I was fine, so wasn't prepared. If I can sleep then get through a day at a time until the time is right. No point telling anyone or they'll stop me. I've been like this too long, I know it's right. It's what is meant for me. I can get this thread deleted too, don't want to upset/offend anyone. Sorry

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TheSilveryPussycat · 15/06/2013 23:55

Well, I'm with you on getting some sleep (even horizontal rest in bed with your eyes closed is restorative), and getting through a day at a time. Take care, petal (as they would call you round here (NE))

cjel · 16/06/2013 07:11

gracie. had to go to bed myself before your last post. how are you t his morning?di you get any rest?

cjel · 16/06/2013 10:49

was just thinking about what might have led you to think that attention seeking is a bad thing Gracie? If you what attention why shouldn't you have it?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 16/06/2013 14:06

I got to sleep eventually, then woke up early but managed to doze as felt like I physically couldn't move. When I did I felt dizzy and ill. Had to go out for a couple of hours but back in bed now, feel I could sleep forever. Got to get dd and I don't want to. How awful does that sound? I just have no energy.

I don't like attention, feel I'm not worthy of it and I get embarrassed by it.

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