So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

embarrassement is one thing but worthiness is something else. You have learned from somewhere/someone that you are not valuable.YOU ARE VALUABLE.
I was supposed to go somewhere today , but didn't feel like it, because i have learned to value myself i didn't go. I am not a failure i made a positive choice to look after me.
I know that with childcare there isn't always a choice but just want to try to let you see that it isn't always because you are bad that you make choices to put yourself 1st, its because now you are a grown up you can look after gracie because you know what she needs.

Pick up dd and if she is not being happy to be back with you will be the same as any time any of us have to face work, school routine again, it won't mean you are horrid, a bad person or less able to look after her.
Just do what you are able at the moment.x

I don't want to post as I am feeling paranoid, even on here, but I have no one to turn to this evening and I need to let it out. But please don't judge as feeling shit and vulnerable, and have actually been crying this evening. Felt like crying for so long but not been able to, trouble is, it makes me want to sh, don''t know why.

Collected dd, and straight away I knew i'm not feeling great, as I felt nothing. Could have easily left her with her dad for the week. Anyway, went through the motions, and she went to bed ok, although constant remarks about how she misses daddy and his dp, and she wants to be there, even her bed there is better! etc, eetc. Made me feel crap but just makes me realise that me not being here wouldn't be such a bad thing.

I don't know why I am so up and down, not been exactly 'happy' but kind of coping with day to day stuff, then it all comes crashing down again. No reason. i hate this, hate everything, especially myself and not being able to cope.

Hi - oh bless you, how horrible for you. I have no experience of shared parenting, but I would guess that the parent who has them the bulk of the time has to do all the normal things needed and the one who has them rarely gets to do all the treats etc so of course when they are there it seems exciting, as that parent does not have to do the shopping, organising, school runs, routines, reading homework, spellings, boundaries for behaviour etc etc. I think it would be really helpful if other parents who are single parents could share their experiences as I think it would really help if you could see what your dd is like as normal and not a reflection on you.

Can you talk to your support worker about this - as that might be really helpful for you, to know it is normal when them come back from daddy and are treated like a princess for one day or so a week/whatever.

I have been crying lots today and can empathise, life is not always easy - hugs xxx

I dont have any experience of shared parenting either.
I think there is a thread on here called lone parents?
I think they may very much understand that part, and be able to help you.

My guess, fwiw, is that probably it is very normal for a child to go through this, especially when there is a new baby on the scene?
It sooooo does not make you a bad parent.

gracie, so glad you are still posting and a huge well done for going through the motions. have you heard of disney dads? they swan in every now and again and spoil dcs rotten then its up to mum to bring them back to normality? It reall is the life that thousands of other mums are living as well.
I'm sorry you feel you are a bit low again at the moment, mine is very cyclical, do you get worse around your period? mine was worst the week or so afte, i can remember crying to my health visitor and the number of times she would say 'is your period due?' and i'd cry 'no that was last week'!!
itsn't always necessary to find a reason for being low just hang on to the thought that it always always improves.
go and have a lie down, you have made it through another weekend, you are another day nearer wellness.xxxx

She's wanting to be with others because of me, the way I am. Although on the outside, I look like i'm doing a good job, obviously i'm not. Scared by how low I feel, how off the rails i've suddenly gone. I don't even care i've got through the weekend, every day feels the same right now. Going to arrange childcare for this week if I can, it's not fair for dd to be around me. I keep having dark thoughts.

I'm sat outside and suddenly got this urge to start walking, to get away. I can't do this. What is the point in it all? I sound selfish, but I'm losing control of how I feel. I know I should say something to someone but I'm scared.

Only just read your latest messages tonight..I hope you've managed to get some sleep. The point is that you have a horrible illness, one of the cruelest ones in existence, imo, because it convinces us we're not good people. It's not true. You're a good mother and a good person and things will get better. It's not selfish to feel how you do, it's not something you can help.. Asking for help is so incredibly brave and doing the best for you and your daughter. Things will get better.

morning Gracie, just checked in. Your wonky thinking is making you think dd doesn't want to be with you. You have no way of knowing that she doesn't get into bed at dads and wish she was at home with you. I hope yo did find someone to talk to last night or got some sleep and it has passed a bit. I know it is exhausting but you really can get better. you are doing it and now \i would urge you to reach out and get all the help that is available. start with gp and health visitor this morning. explain how bad you feel and how you feel you can't cope. keep saying it until you get t he support you want.xx

I got some sleep but woke up feeling dizzy and disorientated. Made a GP appt for midday but not sure I want to go now. I know I should but then I was having a cuddle with dd and for some reason that makes it harder to go and open up. The more I need help the harder it is to ask for it, also doubting whether I need to or not?!

Morning gracie, I think you may need a bit of help, well done on GP appt, go and keep them in the loop. Cuddle with DD sounds lovely.

I hope your appointment is going ok.

just got in , hope you did go to GP.x

Well I think I messed that one up. Never found it that easy talking to gp, but at the moment feels more comfortable than cpn. But I don't think I said much, can't remember what I rambled on about. Basically said I felt I was going downhill and doing things I was doing before, and i can't control my feelings. H said he thought about the cpn situation after the last appt and thought maybe the cpn is pushing me and trying another approach, and maybe it's what I need.

I told him what she said about the crying and he has arranged for me and her to see him next week so he can see her with me. Got a feeling this will not end well. I feel like i'm being treated like a stupid little girl. I don't know what to do now. So confused, do I feel suicidal, shall i risk not saying anything and trying to get on with it? But then i've got so bad before, and the urges to take an od or other stuff are getting stronger again. Actually, maybe I should have told him that. Too late now, messed up again.

Wow gracie, i read your first sentence and was looking for disaster, but then read on and felt wow! I think your gp is on your side and is really listening to what you are saying. It sound like your cpn will be assessed on how she is treating you, i think he believes you and has to go through the process of cpn before he can get you further help that he thinks you should have. I think it was a huge step you made and i think you have been amazing and i think you told him everything he needed to know. well done.

It sounds like you managed to explain yourself, and the GP is being understanding and helpful, that's so good he has arranged joint meeting.

I'm glad your gp seems on board

A joint meeting arranged my gp sounds a great step forward, so hope you can be honest with them together, but also be able to listen to what the cpn has to say. He is right, the cpn may have a certain way of working that you find hard, but doesn't mean it cannot ultimately help you. It is very hard when workers change and I think you got a new cpn at such a hard time for you.

The fact you went to gp shows that you are trying to keep going. Can you ask the gp to only prescribe you one week's drugs at a time to reduce risk of OD. I had that, basically I emailed a repeat prescription every week and went to chemist to get it every week, so didn't have to have a gp appointment etc.

I realise I'm seeing things differently to others. I came away from that appt crying, and now feel they'll be talking about me and mocking me.

Got such urges to SH but I know I can't. Was thinking about when I'll be on my own to deal with these urges and emotions. Been looking at YouTube at bpd videos, maybe not a great idea but I watched them and was able to relate to these strangers emotions and behaviors so much!

Keep thinking I've got to keep going this week as got things planned with dd, don't want to let her down. But I know when I get the chance I'm going to crash and allow everything to get to me, and it will be such a relief.

Was contacted this eve by the lad who I was seeing, basically asking to meet up for sex. This is how I'm seen by others, they can just use me when they want then desert me.

Don't know how to get through the next few days.

Meant to say I get weekly scripts, but have a few extra.

Tell the lad no sex. That sort of things happen to others as well.
They cannot use you if you say no.And dont think you could have seen that coming, I dont think anyone definitely can.

You dont know how the week will pan out.So see how things go

That is how makes are, not a reflection on you.

You can hand in any extra meds to a pharmacy, any pharmacy saying they are no longer needed.

I found that when I was not busy, not having a baby or a job and lots of mental health meetings etc I got bogged down by my illness, it became me as I had nothing else. Do you think that is happening to you? Can you put some things into your week that are for you and not health related to try and find a balance? You sound like you doing lots of lovely things with dd, but could you find an activity for you when she is at nursery ... Whether meet with a friend, a book club, a gym class at council gym, a short college course for beginners in something ( some are free and just a few weeks long), whatever you fancy, just to meet with people where the focus is not your health etc?

would echo don't meet him. also your thought can be changed to how you can get through this week well and give dd good week. gp etc may be talking about you but do you mean that they will be discussing you in a bad way> they may well think we wan to get gracie well she is worth it and is suffering , how can we best do that. I'm not sure you think any different from millions of other people except your thoughts are all about the negative you think of yourself, over ananlysis if you like. what will be different in a few days that you can give in to urges? You are able to control them for so long so why not forever>

I thought he was nice and liked me, but now I feel used and worthless. Just sums up my life really.

I do think all these appts are taking over, and the illness becomes everything, but even when I was working or if i'm out with friends it still takes over. It's with me all the time and I can't escape it no matter how hard I try.

I can't fight the urges but I wait until the right time when no one is at risk or can know what's going on.

You are taking me back to my dating days. A right pain some of it was.
Seriously, it happens to just about everyone.

Can I say that you sound like you are building up to something.
Have you been told what to do when that happens?