Ok, one example was today in the meeting with cpn, hv and sw. It was a looong meeting, so towards the end I started to open up a bit and ask questions, and talk about the recent od's and how I was feeling around that time. Cpn said it was important people knew so that I wasn't keeping secrets - fair enough. But I said family/friends knew a lot of what was going on, just not the private, bad thoughts/plans (obviously, most people don't go around shouting about it) but I had told my old cpn and then crisis team. I then said I had started telling people a bit more that particular week as I wanted to prepare them so that when I followed through with my plan, it wouldn't be a big shock to them.
She turned to the sw and said 'see?! this is how she is thinking, what she is saying!'. Then turned to me and said 'now that has made the risk factor higher now you've said that. What are you thinking now? This is the state of her mind, see...' and kept rambling on until I had to interupt as I could feel myself starting to panic, and said I didn't feel that bad now, I was trying to explain how bad I was. To be honest i'm feeling close to getting quite low again, and i'm scared but trying so hard to push those thoughts away. I'm scared of getting that bad and not being able to turn to the cpn, as she's who i'm supposed to tell, but I don't like the way she reacts. She panics me, and twists what I say.
Maybe i'm wrong in all this, and seeing things differently to others, and getting defensive. But I could sense the hv and sw weren't too comfortable sometimes with what she came out with. She kept interupting others too.
Sorry if that's rambly. Head feels a bit rambly tonight.