So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

Hi. Sounds really hard with all the necessary appointments for you right now. However they are part of your support so hopefully all the necessary admin helps. Can you get your dm to have dd next time ip with sw and HV if that helps?

It took me months to be able to talk to my last Cpn and I guess if you can remember that you gained this one at a very difficult time for you, then it may be hard to be able to feel more open with her. Why not tell her that you are feeling overwhelmed right now and perhaps tell her what worked for you with last worker and what you want from her?

I found when I had MH meeting after MH meeting it made me feel worse and I needed to balance that with more everyday activities to ground myself. A walk to shop, a magazine, a recorded tv program, trip to the park etc.

You can talk more to your HV if I remember. Why not talk more with her? Or be honest with Cpn. It takes time to work with someone new and although you may not like her it sounds like she is at least giving you lots of time which is important.

Does dd's dad know about your od's? Perhaps if he knew how ill you were or how you are struggling that may help. Hard when someone not know much, guess its normal to ask questions, sounds supportive at least if interested. Could you talk to Cpn about how best to let dd's dad know what is going on, or would you prefer a professional to talk to him. Just thinking about what is easiest and less stressful for you.

Once again sat in car crying after appt with cpn. I haven't been able to cry for a while and now I can't stop. I don't really know why, but going to the same place brings back memories of last cpn and that's all I can think about. Sounds so obsessive and pathetic I know.

I said to her about the mood diary I used to do, I explained it's easier to write it down rather than try to remember my mood over the last week. She said we can carry on, but I'm so scared of being honest with her. Think it's the way she words things, has a way of making me feel guilty. She asked about my financial situation, I said I'm ok but need to phone job centre and it's on my list of things to do. She started going on about the negative impact on dd if she starts going without things she's used to. None of that is applicable.

She kept asking about if I've gone out and if I do it shows I've moved on. I said that's never really been an issue, apart from the odd day. Even at my lowest I've continued going out etc, it's just bloody hard.

I felt she wasn't getting what I was saying and who I really am. It's like she has a checklist and asks the same stuff each time, then spends ages writing everything j say down. I started crying and said I was finding it really hard with the change of cpn. She finished by saying if I continue being this tearful psychology won't take me on, and may have to be re-assessed. I now feel I can't cry. I need psychology, understand I need to be stable and not od'ing but surely they expect people to get tearful.

Feel worse than ever, had planned to go food shopping after but just want to go home and hide under my duvet. Look too much of a mess to go anywhere now anyway.

she sounds like a nightmare for you gracie, although crying is ok and can be healing. a cpn asking about your financial situation and wanting you to get a job is weird. what was her reasoning for tearfulness meaning you are not suitable for psychology? can you record your sessions so that you can listen to them away from her incase she is saying helpful things but because she isn't your old cpn you don't pick them up? also on the other side if she really is that unhelpful you will be able to show your gp what you mean? I also go re,blotchy and swollen when cry and want to hide for ages after!! How do you feel now?

Everytime I see her she asks about my financial situation, have I been out, am I having suicidal thoughts, and she asked me twice if had thoughts of harming myself or had any tablets. I get this is her approach and is different from what I'm used to, but such direct questions can be difficult to answer truthfully, especially when she doesn't listen properly.

She said if I get so upset and keep crying, I will not be seen as stable enough for therapy. She looks so disappointed when I start crying, I try so hard not to. I cry out of frustration and I miss the care I used to receive. I feel so desperate. God I'm just going round in circles and so grateful to those following my boring and repetitive thread!

I came home and filled out an online form for job seekers. For the last month I've been asking people for advice on what to do and not got anywhere, so I thought I'd do it as wasn't sure what else to do.

I think I'm scared of the cpn and the consequences of each appt. She also mentions how dd is at risk and about her safety. Makes me feel like the worse mum ever.

In bed now, feel anxious, tense and really upset.

Also haven't told dd's dad about od's, not sure it's necessary at the moment. Maybe I'm wrong but doing what I'm comfortable with at the moment.

Right. I think you need to box clever with her.
Cant remember if you ended up asking for a new one, as she is not good for you [not sure how many she would suit tbh].
Carry on with the crying. If you need it, do it. Just downplay about it to her.

I think you will get the psychology.

Didnt see your last post before I posted mine. But I think it is all still relevant.

Wouldnt dds dad have already found out about the od from someone?

No he has only spoken to me. The sw agreed it would be too much to tell him everything at once. I'll just see how it goes and if he finds out or has to know I'll deal with it then. I didn't do anything when dd was here so I don't feel he has to know every detail. I don't know everything that goes on in his life, some of which may affect dd. As long as she's ok, we'll take each day as it comes.

Hope that makes sense and doesn't make me look bad.

Normally I am all for important people knowing things. But on this occasion, so many people know, including ss, that I am not sure he necessarily needs to know that.
Though I hesitiate to write that a bit, as really, that issue is between you and him, not someone on the internet.

The CPN seems to be thinking aloud when there is no need to. I think she may think she is giving you factual information (e.g. you can't have psychology if you are tearful ((btw, surely this cannot be true??)), when what she says is, not surprisingly, merely upsetting you further.

Saying that about the crying seems not that far from telling you to pull yourself together

If you were in my area, I'd suggest mentioning it to our local service user and carer group, who would follow it up anonymously (though at the moment with all the changes they are not being v effective tbh)

Maybe grit your teeth (I don't mean pull yourself together ) for 2 weeks, and keep taking the meds.

I don't know of any groups like that around here, but I don't want to get her into trouble, I just don't want to come away from appts crying and feeling more anxious and down.

I've started writing it all down, logging certain things that have upset me. Then maybe at some point I can get another perspective.

I feel i'm in the wrong and to be blamed. Got so much going on, starting to feel all too much.

Nobody wants to get their CPN into trouble. That's why we do it anonymously. It's v difficult to get feedback into the system because we all know they are trying to do their best.

Writing it down sounds like a good idea, I find it shuts my head up a bit if I do that. You are not in the wrong, and are not to be blamed, I am certain she did not mean you to end up feeling like that.

There are measures in the latest guidance, No Health without Mental Health, which have, imho, led to MH Trusts having to use employment as one of the things they evaluate. This is crap imho - if I had to go back to full time work, or maybe even p/t, I would be depressed and have lost control of the rest of my life in a few weeks. I do want to contribute tho, so volunteer - and in the olden days you wouldn't have had to seek work in your circs, and could focus on dd, yourself, and keeping things together, as looking after dc was viewed as making a contribution (of course, it still is, but no longer viewed as such so much).

I didn't know that silver, surely if you are signed off sick by a gp you are not fit for work?
Gracie I know i keep saying it, but i would put yourself before an ineffective cpn. If it isn't working for you it isn't working.
I cried in my counselling and think she is negligent in telling you not to cry, its like it makes her uncomfortable and you are helping her.
I also never came out of a session with my counsellor or cpn feeling worse. they always left the session in a positive place.
Your treatment my feel worse because she is not your 1st choice cpn, but from what you say she isn't helping you at the moment.
Don't feel guilt for her feelings and don't blame yourself that you are not doing what she wants.
She is to be used by you to get better, you are not there for her benefit.

Thing is my sick note ran out about ten days ago, I have been made to feel bad for handing my notice in, but I'm glad I did. I feel I have no choice but to look for work now.

I did feel more positive when I had seen my last cpn, and the one before that. Also when I've seen HV, and even sw as I feel they are doing something to improve things, or are just there to listen. I feel awful this afternoon, hiding away from dd whenever possible, luckily she's happily playing by herself, then I'll read her stories then bed. Had another cry this afternoon, and want a glass of wine tonight, all of which are signs I'm not feeling great.

I don't know who to talk to. I could phone HV but it's not really her field, could see GP again but it's such an arse to get an appt. I'm scared and don't know where to turn to anymore. I don't ever want to ring out of hours or 111 again as I'm scared ss will get more involved and I don't want it becoming a child protection case.

Hi sorry you are struggling with the CPN. Encouraging you feel supported by hv and sw. Did you talk to sw and hv about struggling with the cpn and what she says? It may be true what she says, but you are not well enough to deal with it and perhaps she doesn't realise that. Can you tell the cpn what doesn't help?

Could the sw or hv help more, with the practical things?

You can always talk to the Samaritans in total confidence.

Gracie, I think you may have a good case for claiming Employment and Support Allowance, the support group for those whose mh would worsen if they had to seek work. You will need written support from your psych. Seek professional help for this - CAB or Welfare Rights, if poss. Or join Benefits and Work for about £20 and get someone to help go through how to do it yourself, if all else fails. (Did I pay a virtual visit, or was that someone else)

cjel it is not so long since single parents could claim Income Support, HB and CTB without having to sign on or seek work. They could do this till youngest was 16. And got Home Responsibility Protection, ie their years of childcare counted as years towards their State Retirement Pension.

I claimed ESA for the month I was signed off work as I wasn't eligible for sick pay. Then my sick note ran out and I thought I wasn't allowed ESA if unemployed (as handed my notice in also). I got a letter from ESA saying it would stop as sick note ran out, I didn't know what to do. Didn't think I could carry on getting ESA and feel people think i'm being lazy not working. I don't know, i'm so confused.

I have tried to say I am finding it hard with the cpn to hv and sw, but feel they are on her side. I feel like i'm making things difficult.

Get another sicknote, backdated to the end of your last one, and claim ESA with it. (I think this is right, no time to double check atm, sorry)

I have no idea about all this as i was married and worked for own own company. If you don't know who to talk to ring the samaritans, they are there and would welcome your call even if you only wanted to waffle!!! I wonder if citizens advice bureau could advice on finances? sounds harsh when you are trying to be good to your employer and admit you are not able to carry on working for them.

How's it going Gracie?

I feel like I can't think straight, so much going on and a lot to take in. Have been to children's centre and they are going to start an outreach program with me, an outreach worker will come round next week and I'll be able to talk about the issues I'm having with dd at the moment without being judged or reported. As that's how I feel now, that I can't tell anyone anything, even if it's a minor thing, or normal children's behaviour, it'll all be reported and if my cpn finds out, taken out of context. She's scared me so much about ss and risk.

I don't know if I can do this.

One of the main roles of a cpn is to risk assess. That is what I was told when under crisis team and a cpn - they bluntly told me that when children are involved and a parents behaviour has caused concern their first responsibility is to risk assess. Try not to take it personally, it is the way of the government and sadly shows that your cpn is doing her job. I imagine all cpn's do that, it is just yours is more open about it.

Great you got an outreach worker, that is the first real practical and extra support you have got. And the fact you know you will not be reported or judged should help you to get some support with you and your dd, and hopefully some reassurance you are doing a good enough job!!

You said you needed some extra support to help you and that is what the services are providing. Sadly it has to come through risk assessment, form filling in etc - as they have to ensure the resources go to those who need it. It doesn't mean it is forever, but for now hopefully you will have a bigger support network.

You can do it, you are doing it Gracie xx

Starting to feel like nothing matters anymore, if I'm struggling and making everyone's lives miserable and stressful it would better if I wasn't here. I don't want to be around anyone, don't see the point in it all. The outreach support is all my doing, I approached them, nothing to do with ss or cpn, I don't actually know what support they have put in place? I think I'm oblivious to it, maybe i've got loads of support, but I don't know what's going on or what the plan is.

I'm feeling muddled and just 'nothing'. Emotionless. Waiting for them to all get off my case, I'll make sure dd is safe and settled, then I can do what they're preventing me doing at the moment. Don't know why I'm bothering to pretend everything is going well, when I'm doing more harm being here. I don't need to explain again why I know it's for the best, and I know no ones interested. Just wanted to get it all out somewhere. It's helped, I think. Sorry.

I cant answer your post porperly, as I dont know about this sort of thing.
But others like Hoophopes seem to know and understand what is happening.
So I will just hand hold for now.

Your depression seems to be worse today, so what you are saying is coming because of the depression.
Are you remembering to take the pills you are supposed to be taking?