So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

Unexpectedly, it is sunny here atm. Hope it is where you are. Park sounds good - perhaps thinking about it is worse than actually doing it? Don't worry about crying in front of CPN, she'll have seen it all, and it is part of her job after all. Sending strength and love.

Hope you've had a good day Gracie

Horrible day, really struggling and getting really scared about social services being involved. Feel I have to be careful about everything I say, and I can't open up to the new cpn, i've tried and I can't, then I come out of the appt and cry for ages as feel I can't talk to anyone and it's horrible. I did phone HV but there's only so much she can do, also opened up to a friend but she started crying so that made me feel awful.

I can't do this and really want to SH this weekend, but if I end up in a&e again then dd will probably be taken away from me, so that makes me feel I have to do it properly so I don't stay here. But I don't think I can go that far, i'm just in so much pain emotionally and see no way out, but I don't want to mess up dd's life. God i'm not making sense to myself, I don't know what to do. Feel very torn and terrified.

Holding out a hand to you gracie. Does it help to breathe slowly into the stomach? I always think it isn't going to work, but it usually does for me.

No point thinking about SS till after the weekend, as for the CPN, could you write something to show her? instead of trying to say stuff.

I keep going to write stuff down but then my mind goes blank. I keep crying now, nothing makes sense anymore.

I told cpn I felt irritable about things, especially about people being involved even though I know it's for the best. She said if I say that then it will be assumed I'm being irritable at dd too and she'll be a 'child in danger' instead of a 'child in need' and drastic measures will happen. She also said it's damaging her to see me crying, even after me saying I never cry infront of dd. She seemed shocked that I've taken dd places this week. I feel people are making assumptions and judging me and they don't know me! Dd is happier, brighter and healthier than most kids I know, and I never meant for this to happen, I don't want her labelled as a child in need, with a team of people around her. She's fine, and I think I'm doing the best for her even if I'm thinking bad thoughts about myself, her happiness is always in my thoughts, even if they are ill thoughts at the moment. She's always safe and with people who love her, I wouldn't leave her with no one to care for her. I didn't mean for it to end up like this, I've messed up big time.

You are a great mum. I am glad that you can see that too.
And you havent messed up. It is just that silly brain of yours!
[tries some humour to help cheer Gracie up. Not much good at humour, so you are honoured].

The blank mind often happens when people go to write. The trick is to start writing anything, even if it's just swearing invective, or even writing 'I don't know what to write' can start you off. You can always edit later.

No wonder you aren't getting on with CPN as she seems to a) not believe what you say b) expect you to lie, or at least minimise. All we can hope is that SS are a bit more understanding.

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job with DD. Both my DC saw me in tears, I just explained that I felt v sad and didn't know why, and would get better. Mine was depression though, and it did vary quite a bit even over the same day, so was able to have some 'better' time after the 'sad' time. You are managing to have some 'better' time with DD, despite all.

Sending you big, safe hugs Gracie.

Try if you can to just focus on each day, getting through it. Because you have had a bad month or so does not mean that this episode will last forever. I really believe that, things can lift and change. Different medication doses can make all the difference, you being more open with people shows you are reaching out etc.

It is good you are doing nice things with your dd, hope they help you too. Sometimes life can be just about doing things, even if cannot fully enjoy them. Keep going Gracie, this time will past( I say that having been there and now the other side), just keep being honest and open and use the support and your mum etc.

Can you plan some nice things for next week, to aim towards. Do not have to be big things. For me next week I want to go to the park and try and take some photos of my dc for example to use for thank you cards etc!!

Xx

You're a fantastic mum Gracie, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You care for her, you make sure she's happy, and you make sure she has her basic needs met. That is all you need to be a good mother. As you say, your daughter smiles and is happy - that tells you/ss all you/they need to know. There are so many children going through real hardship with parents who abuse them, ignore them, etc etc...those are the bad parents. As long as a child feels loved and cared for, that's all they need. And she needs you to be around, not disappear. I bet she'll be so strong when she's older, just like you. SS just need to see that you will always put her first and make sure above everything that she is safe and loved. You are doing that now. Children really are so resilient...she will be ok.

As Hoophopes said, planning some little things to do for next week would be a really good idea. Nothing big, just normal things. Have you got a calendar you could write things on? It might help to see it in front of you. Can you take photos of her happily playing with you and keep them around for when you're feeling desperate? Images like that don't lie - you'd see yourself what you'd be giving up and what your daughter would lose.

Had quite a productive day, not seen anyone but my choice. Made a list of what to do, didn't put too much on the list, left some jobs for tomorrow. Got housework done, and fridge is full. Social worker is coming on monday and i'm worried she's going to inspect the house, so wanted to make sure there's nothing she can fault.

Feeling paranoid and anxious though, and don't like it! Been locking gates and doors incase anyone comes round, feeling very self-concious like everyone talking about me - stupid! That's why i'm hiding away. Want to drink and sh do badly but don't want to do anything else to go against me. Still getting urges and images in my head of what I want to do, it's so hard. I feel so screwed up. Just about coping, just.

Feel so restless, not tired at all but want to sleep to block it all out. Got no wine as trying to be good, but feel I need it tonight to help me sleep.

This is what I hate, when I've spent a day trying so hard to carry on, but it's not worth it as my mind won't give me a break. Thinking about horrible things I want to do so badly, and all the things happening next week. Worrying about dd as well which is stupid as I'm used to her being at her dads.

Personally I always think you struggle more when you have plenty of time on your hands.

Glad you got some things done and found a list helpful.

If it helps you I find social workers do want to look around and if you have nothing to hide then it is good to offer to show them round perhaps as a strategy!

I hope you can see the social worker as another strand of support for you. Remember they hold the keys to a budget that can provide support. Gp's and CMHT's do not have access to that budget, which is why they refer to SC. it is called social care for a reason, providing assessment and care for people. If you clam up and do not tell them what you are struggling with then if you get no support then things will remain how they are. They have to use forms and terms which you may not like but if you can see it as a means of getting what you need it may help. For instance if you cannot work and need financial support from the government then you may claim benefits. This is just another form if support for you and not one you will need forever. It can feel threatening and even business like as SW's sadly are very busy people and we live in a world of beaurocracy. Try if you can to not see it as a threat but as a chance for people to work together to help you right now.

Can you think about what extra help and support you would like before Monday?

Hope you get through your list of jobs on Sunday.

I haven't really had plenty of time on my hands, I've hardly stopped this wkend, got loads done. Made a list of things I want to mention to the social worker. Really hard to know what help I want when I don't know what they offer?

Anyway, been on the go, bit obsessive with the cleaning actually, done it all then want to do it again as feel I've missed bits. Was sorting out paperwork and have thrown away mood diary I kept for previous cpn, the new one hasn't made any indication she wants to carry on any work started, and I can't talk about it without crying so thought best to get rid of it. I then broke down in tears and retreated to my bed. Feel so lonely but my doing I know. Wish I didn't get attached, can't stop thinking I'll never see her again, and previous support I've had that moved on. Makes me so anxious and tearful (and pathetic).

So just going to stay here til I get dd. Appetites gone again, not a good sign, plus feeling confused about days/times, worried I'll forget to get dd, or I'll forget appts tomorrow. Memory keeps failing me and I don't like it.

It is hard when you do not know what is on offer so why not just be really honest with them, about what you struggle with and how it affects you. Let them know what MH workers you have been involved with you recently ( day hospital, crisis, a&e, Cpn) and what treatments you are waiting for. Tell them what you struggle doing at home, what you would like to help you do things with your dd. if they know what is really going on then they can assess your needs and see what they can offer.

Each area will have different resources so if you know something that would help then do say.

Scared, can't sleep. Getting detached again but making myself 'feel' so I can try to realise how serious this is. Worried I'm going to say the wrong thing and make everything worse, or won't say enough and be back to square one! If I'm completely honest they'll probably admit me and put dd in care of family! But I'm trying to struggle on, going to be a tough week, not sure if it's the right thing to do but I want to pretend things are normal - I didn't take od's in the past weeks, I'm not still getting thoughts and urges, I don't feel detached and numb, social services aren't involved, family are oblivious, I still have a job and no one thinks I'm a crap mum! But all that is real and I can't change what's happened

Hi gracie OK you are feeling somewhat detached, however, as you say, you are struggling on, and that is good. What meds are you on, and how long have you been on them for? (sorry, you've prob already said). The thing is to keep things together and give the meds a chance to work, and you seem to be doing that. If 'pretending things are normal' works for you, then that's not a bad strategy, provided you are still upfront with the help as it arrives.

Don't feel too great after the meeting, they're getting involved and things will happen that I'm uncomfortable with. She left and I just cried, I don't feel I know what's happening. It's like i'm in a dream, actually, a nightmare. I feel I've got something to prove and already putting myself under pressure and feeling exhausted.

All I understand so far is there will be visits from sw, meetings with all the professionals, and I've got to make progress! Different kinds of therapy may happen, although was told I'm not stable enough, yet it's getting pushed for soon. Everyone suddenly knows which is hard to deal with. I've met/talked to a few new people and had to tell them difficult stuff. I know it's all in dd and my best interest but a couple of weeks ago I could hardly cope with making a cup of tea, now all this!

I feel completely lost if I'm honest, I know it's all my fault, but I don't have a good feeling about what's going to happen. I feel invaded, but I've brought it on myself, and I feel so guilty about bringing dd into this situation. Going to cry again now, but can't as it'll 'damage' dd. Wanted it to stop, wish I had succeeded at one of my attempts but I know it's not fair for others. Want to scream, run away, anything but deal with the mess I've caused.

Sorry you feeling like this after your meeting. The professionals have to meet up to share information and to make sure the help you are getting is not contradicting or unhelpful.

Great theory are talking about different types of therapy. Hard to get on nhs and being involved with SC is a good way of getting it quicker.Though you may have to wait till you are more stable for therapy there may be other things they are putting in place before then.

The whole point about support and therapy is about making progress. So try not to take it critically.

I think you need to cry. Heck, we all need to cry from time to time.

What happens if you do? Will they make you report it to them?

[I dont know what others on here think about this].

I think crying is therapeutic it releases endorphins doe it not ? Ridiculous to make you feel guilty about that, if it helps you it won't damage DD.

I really don't like my cpn! She's the first professional I've not got on with, and I feel awful about it as she means well, but I really don't gel with her! Right now I am missing my previous cpn's desperately, in this situation I'm in they would be a big help. But there's nothing that can be done so I need to be grateful and work with the support I've got. It's so hard though when I don't totally trust her and i have to be so careful at the moment. Just want someone at these meetings I trust.

I dont like the sound of your cpn either. You get on with lots of people.
Can you say why you dont trust her ? [not saying that you should, just that I wonder what it is about her that you dont gel with]

You can ask for a different cpn - I know a couple of people who have done just that because they too couldn't 'gel'. Perhaps talk to Soc Services - I presume you'll be assigned a social worker, hopefully she'll be better than the cpn.

Glad you wrote that, TheSilveryPussycat. I have been wanting to post that, but didnt know how easy it would be to change a cpn.