So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

HV came round, was fine, don't think she went away with any more concerns, just said she has to keep an eye on when maybe i'm not well enough to care for dd. That scares me a bit, but understand why it has to be done.

She also mentioned again about dd not being my carer and people have to be aware of that. I don't get what she means by this, as dd doesn't do anything different from other children. The only thing is she is my protective factor, but she doesn't know this, and that the thought of her is enough to stop me ending it, most of the time anyway Other times, the thought that she's be better without me takes over.

Hi - sounds like you have a lovely hv there, who is prepared to see you and look out for you. Hope that reassures you, that right now she thinks you are well enough to care for your dd.

Why not ask the hv what she meant next time you see her? totally agree that having a child for me is a protective factor also.

Can feel myself slipping and I don't like it but can't control it. Been sleeping, eating and keeping busy but can feel i'm going to the same place again, and I don't know what to do!

Do you think you have triggers?

Not that I can think of, and that's what hard, I don't know why. I've seen people, haven't stayed in bed, been thinking about jobs, but it all feels fake and I know really I don't want to be here anymore. It feels normal to me to have these thoughts, even though it's horrible and I know it's wrong, especially where dd's concerned.

Do you know what helps you when you are like this? Or what can help you not get to acting in what your brain is saying?

For me keeping busy and active helps, for others resting may help. I find having the tv on helps, even if I cannot focus on it. Having a structure for the day helps. So tonight I have just written out what foods my dc is going to eat tomorrow, what I am roughly doing every 2hr slot (breakfast and play, play group, lunch, shops and library) to help me. I do not need to be seeing mental health professionals but just seeing people at playgroupmto say hello to, changing library books and saying hello to librarian will help me get through tomorrow and feel more grounded.

Sorry just thought would share what I have learnt can help. Everyone is different.

Hope you can sleep well and that tomorrow is better than you expected.

Morning gracie. Hope you are feeling a bit better.

Have taken dd to childrens centre then the cinema, but i've got this feeling like i'm about to lose it. Not so much getting irritated (although getting there!) but more like i'm not coping very well. I feel so muddled, and hate having to really think about what i've got to do next.

Keep finding myself planning to be on my own this weekend again, as it's getting too difficult again. I'm scared seeing cpn on friday but i'm worried i'm not going to be able to say what I need to say.

Realised a trigger today, seeing stories in the news about suicides.

That sounds like a good day with DD, Gracie. Do keep talking with people.

Keep going Gracie, stay active and plan your days so you have things to keep you going. You are coping, and you're still here. Those thoughts don't have to be actions. Keep going and keep posting here..we're all here to help you

Feel yuck, slept loads last night but kept waking up and have a headache. Got plans to keep dd amused today, and feeling less detached which is a good sign. But I feel I'm not doing her any good staying here and I'm worried loads about her-overly anxious now!

And have made plans to be alone sat, know it's not a good decision but get an overwhelming urge to be alone, maybe I just need to rest, but the urges to not be here are strong. I actually feel more selfish staying here and causing all this stress and hurt for everyone.

Really glad you've got plans with dd, and that you're feeling less detached. It's not true to say you're not doing her any good. You're there for her and she knows you love her - that security will be the most important thing for her and nothing can replace it. Don't be anxious about her...children really don't need a lot - some food, attention, love....she's fine I promise. It's natural to worry.

I think you have to really fight those urges to be alone. You don't have to give into them - you can fight them. You might want something, but that does not mean you have to do it. Put some safeguards in place - maybe plan something to do on the Saturday. You can change that decision and make it a positive one.

I think sometimes you have to realise that those feelings you're having that it 's selfish to be here are not real. You're feeling them because you're so low, and you'd know they weren't really true if you felt better. Look at your daughter smiling - she needs her mum to be around and not leave her. In that dark place I know you think it's best for her, but she would grow up not understanding why her mother didn't stay for her. I'm not trying to guilt trip you here, I'm just trying to be truthful. She needs you to be around when she comes home from school, when she has her first job, when she marries, when she has her own children.. She needs you to support her through all that. If you're not there, who knows where her life might go.

I also have a friend who's mother committed suicide when she was 8. Her mother undoubtedly felt a lot of the things you did - a feeling that her daughter would be better off without her, that she was too much of a burden. All my friend feels is grief and confusion, and I don't think she's ever understood how her mother could leave her. I went to university with her, and whilst both my parents were there at graduation, she only had one. Please please don't let this be your daughter.

The stress and hurt for other people is nothing compared to what it would feel like if you kill yourself. You wouldn't feel anything, but everyone else would be in terrible pain, no matter what you think. People are trying to help because they care about you - the only thing you can do to help them is to keep on going, day by day, staying alive.

Sorry this is so ridiculously long - hope you manage to get through it. But if it helps even a tiny bit, it's worth it.

It does help thank you. I understand what you're saying, it just doesn't seem true to me that it's better to stay. It's so much harder to keep fighting, would be the easy way out to end it. I know people would be hurt, but I think it'll be forgotten in a couple of years and they'll move on. I want to be forgotten.

So, so tired, wanted to go to bed this afternoon but got dragged out, now feel so tired to deal with tea and bedtime, I feel like crying. Hate the fact I find everything hard work when others have so much more to deal with.

I know...fighting is a hell of a lot harder than just giving up, but the results are so so worth it. I think you just have to have faith that things will get better. Easier said than done, and I'm rubbish at following my own advice, but keep saying it to yourself - 'things will get better and I will continue to fight this'.
Your daughter wouldn't forget you - and it's her you have to live for.

I am very familiar with the frustration/anger that everyone else can do things so much more easily and those who have bigger problems. Again, I'm so bad at believing this myself, but each person has their own struggles, and to you this is significant. That's all that matters. You don't need to compare your difficulties with others, it's just yours. Hope that makes sense.

Do you write mini lists of a few things you want to accomplish each day? Even really simple things. And make a list of what coping mechanisms you can turn to when things get bad. I can give you some m

I know...fighting is a hell of a lot harder than just giving up, but the results are so so worth it. I think you just have to have faith that things will get better. Easier said than done, and I'm rubbish at following my own advice, but keep saying it to yourself - 'things will get better and I will continue to fight this'.
Your daughter wouldn't forget you - and it's her you have to live for.

I am very familiar with the frustration/anger that everyone else can do things so much more easily and those who have bigger problems have way more to deal with. Again, I'm so bad at believing this myself, but each person has their own struggles, and to you this is significant. That's all that matters. You don't need to compare your difficulties with others, it's just yours. Hope that makes sense.

Do you write mini lists of a few things you want to accomplish each day? Even really simple things. And make a list of what coping mechanisms you can turn to when things get bad. I can give you some more ideas if you'd find them helpful.

You're not alone in this and you are important. Wish I could make you realise that. Just keep going for now... It sounds as though you've been out today, which is really good, even if you're exhausted now.. Have you been able to think of any things you could do/people you could see on Saturday?

Sorry must have accidentally sent the first message without finishing!

I do make lists when I have a few things that need doing, and I have to use a diary or I'd forget everything. Coping mechanisms are hard to think of when feeling so negative, but I do have a list of things to try.

I haven't plans at all this weekend now, as just had another blow. Have been seeing someone for a couple of months, we didn't meet at a good time for me and so I've taken things really slow but we've had evenings together and I've been able to forget about things slightly whilst I was with him. He was keen and could feel my confidence starting to grow and we talked about doing stuff in the future. At the back of my mind I thought how am I doing this dating stuff one eve, then in a&e the next, but I was hoping it would make me feel better as things progressed and I got well again. Anyway, we had plans for Friday or Sunday but he's just texted saying we've both got issues at the moment and he needs some time etc.

I had only told him I was on ad's and wasn't feeling that great when we met but was feeling better, kept it as light and vague as possible. But maybe I just give off this vibe. No one wants me. I don't know what I do wrong. So I was feeling on the edge when things were going ok for me relationship wise, so imagine how I feel now

Sorry for self indulgent post, mind you they all are!

gracie accept his need for time, who knows how he has been minimising his own condition. Don't overthink this!

sugar has said all the other stuff I wanted to say, I think. You are loved and needed here in this world. Keep strong, you are doing well one day at a time, that is all that is required for the time being.

Was this the man who was a drug dealer?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1767849-What-is-counselling-supposed-to-do-for-you-Had-a-few-sessions-and-cant-see-how-it-helps

thought I would limk this thread in case it is of any use to you

No I saw the drug dealer for two dates until I found out what he was like, that was a few months ago. Anyway, obviously painting a worse picture of myself so will leave this now.

Hope your new man comes back on the scene for you.
Glad the other one is no longer in the picture.

Gracie you're not painting a worse picture of yourself..we're not here to judge you or to tell you off, we're here to support you when you need us. You're safe to say whatever you need to say here.

I'm really sorry things have been rocky with new man recently. He might be struggling as much as you are, as Pussycat said, and minimising what's going on with him. You said you'd felt better when you were with him, but maybe it might be safer for you to focus on you for now. I think trying to develop a new relationship, with all the challenges that that brings on its own, may be too much. Does that make sense? I'm only saying this from personal experience - managing myself is enough without trying to build a relationship which might cause insecurities. I'm not saying he doesn't want you, it might just be too hard for both of you right now. Does that make sense? That's not to say I'd judge you for trying to make it work with him..the support of a partner can be critical..but just personally for me I think it may be added stress right now.

You're not a bad person Gracie..you're a good mum and a good person. Please don't think the opposite. Just keep on, day at a time, or hour by hour if you need to.

By the way, I've come across this website before and I think it's really good for when you're feeling at your worst. www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Hope that link works. It's worth a read I think. It's a passage of writing, easy to read, and really helpful.

I had a look at that link, will save it to refer back to when I need to, as it is very insightful.

Had a restless night as a lot on my mind. Getting more anxious about going out again, taking dd to park with a friend but would do anything not to. Want to cry but can't, I know when I do I won't stop. Bit worried that will be when I see my cpn later then I'll have the weekend to try to get through. Scared and low.

Still not heard from ss, might chase them up myself today. Never thought I'd be saying that!