So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

Feeling anxious today, scared to see anyone. This nice weather should help, but it actually makes things worse as I should be enjoying it but I just want to go to bed. I'm not though, going out for lunch. To those who say I'm not trying to help myself, I am! It's just fucking hard and I hate who I've become. Missing dd this weekend too.

It can help if you set yourself small tasks, maybe starting with 'be nice to yourself' goals, or distraction. How about a nice 15-30 minute walk somewhere after lunch? Lunch is a good start.

I've just read this whole thread, and I've never talked to you, but I don't think you are selfish or stubborn...as an outsider point of view, I think you're doing the best you can right now, and that's all anyone can ask.. You're still here, despite everything, and still fighting. I think a lot of people in your situation would hate asking for help etc, so I think that's normal (certainly is for me, and I don't feel as bad as you). You're not a bad person. You are doing everything you can and you will make it through this. I'm immensely proud of you, and like I said, I've only just read all this! Every day you're here is a victory, and a sign you can do this - each time you wake up (no matter how crap you feel) is a mark of your strength. Sorry if this all sounds so cheesy, but had to say it.. One day you'll be able to look back on this time and feel pride that you managed to fight through it, despite everything. So please keep going, it's such a cliche but things WILL get better

I too am not happy with the word 'carer' which somehow manages to imply that one cannot look after oneself at all! Helper, or caring supporter, might be better.

And to care for someone can mean just the emotion of caring about them, which further confuses the issue. You are surrounded by caring people, and we on the thread care about you.

This is your thread to say what you like, including talking about your feelings in whatever way you want. Many understand the ambivalence and, dare I say it, shame, of receiving help, but actually it is nothing to be ashamed of, and is, I would say, something to accept in the spirit in which it is offered. Sometime in the future, I dare say you yourself will in turn be supporting others who need it.

Take it easy, take it slow. Hope you had a nice lunch :)

Hope your day is going ok, been thinking of you Gracie

Just thinking what is the point? Feel completely fed up and stressed. Hate, hate, hate bank holidays.

And thank you for the reassurance that I don't always come across as selfish and ungrateful, I'm aware sometimes I probably am, but don't want to be. Got lots of appts this week so hoping things will be put in place, will ask about some of the things suggested to me, where dd will go if things get worse, when psychology will start, what others groups can happen in the meantime and help with finances.

I hope your appointments all help you work out what you need to.

gracie feelings are complex and not cut and dried, aren't they. I'm remembering that I have felt simultaneously thankful and resentful at having to accept help.

As I am retired, Bank Holidays mean little to me. And am having a little life glitch, nothing serious, so spent most of today in bed anyway!

Hi, if you can try and ignore the labels... They have to use something so everyone in the NHS knows what they are referring to and avoiding confusion. Not ideal word though.

Great you have lots of appointments, hope not too stressful and you can say what you want. Would taking a pen and notebook help you, even if it is to make a few bullet point notes before hand if you need to refer to them or for writing down afterwards what's was agreed or is happening next, to avoid confusion? Sorry for a badly worded sentence!!

Oh if it helps all people under a Cpn should have a career identified and they should be offered a carer's info pack and a carer's assessment if they request one. It is not unusual and should be done as good practice so perhaps the fact you just changed Cpn has made the Cpn realise this not done for you? Often the person is a partner or husband or nearest relative.

I was in hospital recently for physical ill health and one of the first questions they asked me was who was my named next of kin, who should they contact.

Waiting to see psych, feeling tearful today but not been able to cry. Scared, the bad feelings have been coming back but I'm too worried to say anything now as it will be shared with family and that makes me uncomfortable. Plus those feelings make me feel so guilty as dd is being clingy, so I've got all these conflicting thoughts in my head and I don't know what to do.

Doesn't help, the clinic is opposite a train station so I always think about it, iykwim. I don't know what it would be like to have nice thoughts and have a normal day, maybe it is my fault I'm not like my friends.

Be thinking of you, Gracie. I hope your appointment goes well, when you're feeling a bit better you can always draw back a little on what your family know.

Depression is not your fault.
The depression is what makes thoughts go wonky.

So you know that the real you does not want to do anything, but the depression makes your brain sometimes think you do.

It becomes a matter of stepping back from your depressive thoughts iykwim. Disowning them.

The appt felt like a waste of time, the psychiatrist heard the sandwich van so rushed to finish it after 20 mins! Cpn then asked if I wanted to say anything else to her but I just felt stupid and in the way so I said I just wanted to go home and cry, and I am. Sobbing in my bed and I don't know why. Miss my old cpn, I could have been more honest with her, so annoyed with myself I can't open up to new people.

Anyway, the meds were increased, she asked if I wanted psychology, she was told I'm on waiting list (doesn't she read notes!). Felt all the decisions and suggestions cpn had were dismissed by the psych so that's left me a bit confused and less confident about the cpn.

Feel I've got backwards again. So angry with myself. Want to speak to someone but even with all the support, haven't a clue who to ring who I feel comfortable with. HV is coming round, but to see dd so can't talk infront of dd. Not in a good frame of mind now.

I cant quite make out from this whether you have told the cpn and the psych everything. Whether you hold back information?

And please forgive my ignorance, but is pshchology the same as psychotherapy?
And have you had either of them before at all?

They know everything, there's nothing more I can tell them now. The only thing I don't say is I miss my old cpn and can't open up to the new one as I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Has psychology before, waiting for it again. Not sure if it's the same as psychotherapy actually? My minds all muddled at the moment, think I used to know the difference.

Want to ask my mum to keep dd for the afternoon and ask HV to postpone, but this will worry them more.

Can you have a sleep before your DD arrives?
A couple of times you have said on here that you want to sleep for a week.
Sleep is important and helpful.

Hi a 20min appointment is actually how much time here psychiatrists allocate per appointment, so you did have your whole appointment. A psych diagnoses and does medication, they do not do talking therapy so sounds like an ok appointment even though you may have hoped for more. The CMHT are the ones that can suggest another things, but all things often have waiting lists.

Your HV may have some suggestions for you for day to day help, so hope you can ask.

Can you ask HV for a follow up appointment for just you and her to talk?

Maybe I did expect too much from the appt, probably because it's been booked for a couple of months, and I kept getting told, 'wait until your psych appt' or 'at least you've got that appt to talk things through and things can get sorted'. There seemed to be a lot expected from it (especially from family, they want quick fix and answers and I'm not finding it helpful at all), so I feel a bit disappointed.

Haven't got long enough for a sleep now, but I better stop moaning and sounding ungrateful now.

I have done the same Gracie, waited 4 months for an appointment to be told what medication do you want then, it is up to you?! You are not being ungrateful at all you are just finding out how useless psych appointments can be, or rather they cannot be a quick cure. I now never see a psych as the psych said once diagnosed they do not tend to do much, which is what I learnt too. Medication increase may help and they can change meds if not working or add things in etc.

I think as psych is in overall charge of care purely as dr it is good for them to see you but does not mean a magic wand can be waved.

I think you will get more practical help in day to day activities through HV and social care. My consultant referred me to social care as she said they Were the only ones with budget, resources or ability to refer for funding for things like support workers etc.

Yy to the coming out of psych appt and feeling frustrated after getting hopes up somewhat. But as Hoop says, there's a team of people all dealing with different aspects.

How long do your CPN home visits tend to be? Mine were an hour each time, I felt my CPN knew scads more about me and my situation than the psych. Of course it's hard with a new person, I say again, give her a chance, and actually you were v honest with her after the psych appt.

Well done for going ahead with your afternoon as planned, it also sounds like you understand more than your family does, of course they long for a quick fix, they love you :)

Good luck with the HV, hopefully they'll talk about support for you and DD. psych appointments can be anti-climactic.