that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

I'm not feeling good :( i am sat here with DP and DD but i may as well be in the middle of the dessert, i feel so isolated. I hve a sense that DP has come to the end of his patience with me today. I have been trying hard, we have actually had a really nice day, some time on our own, then took dd to get a new outfit and i looked in the spider shop and spoke to the man about feeding. So why do i feel so alone? I just get a "feeling" from DP, a sort of distance - its subtle but its there. I tried to talk to him today about things, tell him about he counseller and the exercise referral im waiting for, he just didn't seem interested and i felt pathetic. We haven't had sex all week (its usually every day). Somethings wrong.

I asked him to go and see my mum after her performance on thursday as I was worried that she may be unwell or worse! She told him she doesn't want to talk to me,, that i keep putting the phone down on her - i don't. All i can think is that my phone cut out when i thought she put the phone down on me, but she told DP that i keep doing it - absolutely untrue. DP told her ive not been well, she said "oh well, she'll get over it". The sad thing is, i think, thank fuck for that, I can disengage without feeling guilty. I know i have done nothing wrong - i have only ever tried to help her sort things out, but she will have to do it herself. I just said to DP about it, i said i need to sort my own head out, he replied really sarcastically,, "yeah, you do that lem" I don't know whats wrong with him. I have tried to show him affection all day but he just seemed to shrug it off - not in a nasty way but it wasn't reciprocated. Maybe he has just had enough. I can't say i blame him.

feeling very alone.

It's a horrible feeling and situation to be in, (((( LEM ))))

I hope tomorrow is less stressful for all concerned.

Do take care.

Hugs lem.

Don't underestimate the effect of our ill health on our loved ones. vicar will tell you the same. She had a major wobble with her dh a few weeks ago (hope she doesn't mind me mentioning it. Think she alluded to it on the thread recently).

I came to bed early and got dragged into a couple of sciency threads.

Feeling very achy. I didn't really do anything. But my throat is sore. My chest is tight. I don't want to go again tomorrow but the dcs had such a fab timr and it cost nothing.

Enough of my whinging. Night all. Hugs to all

Len - I'm on phone so this will be brief (on nights - just got in and lappy is off!)
My dh has been so patient with me but as ed says - I had a major wobble a few weeks back - we had a row ( rare) and I ran off in the car. Hadn't a clue where I was off, and it was snowing. He just didn't get how I was feeling and during a row he told me to go. - so I did. Had him frantic. He was out looking for me and I was miles away sobbing in a lay by - I'd packed the car with duvet and pillow, all my essentials ( ha! Funny what u think u need when sleeping in a car! ) but my friend called him and told him how fragile I was.... I don't think he had understood before that. I just had a huge panic about going back to work and he got the brunt .... He just didn't know it.
I have a confession. I had 2 cigarettes and a pie. Bloody hell. I've not smoked for over 10 years. Feel crap about it. Am just about to go to bed. Days off almost in sight.... 1 more night to go. Hopefully back later today - gnite all , hope u all have a peaceful Sunday x

UA - you are doing really well, i know what you mean about being hyper the week before the funeral, its a coping strategy i think. Be gentle with yourself next week, get some rest if you can xx

Hope you're feeling better Ed I hope your last night was trouble free vicar Thinking of you and yours, (((( UA )))) .

I hope today goes well for everyone.

Hi all

ED so hope you are feeling better . Sounds like the girls are having a lovely time . You are such a good mum . I love your scientific mind input here on this thread . Your lively mind . xxxxxx

LEM same as I said to ED . Your post last night resonated with me re feeling so isolated and alone ......partner being aloof. feels awful.
Guess they need reassuring also that they are not doing the wrong thing ? My DH found it hard to cope with me .

Snowy the weekend is nearly over . So hope you are feeling ok .

UA found your post profoundly moving . So loving to put the things that have the essence of your father with him on his journey.

Lavender soap .. pen and paper .........your memories and the dad he was . I felt honoured to read that . You are being amazing in your focus . Sending cyber boost for you tomorrow and a cyber hug an arm around you .

Warm wishes to all . xx

I'm sort of ok, don't really want to get into discussions with cmht tomo.rrow

Evening everyone

Hugs to UA, take care of yourself this week and get as much rest as you can. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

LEM ((hugs)) it is hard for the other person (that was me last year) and sometimes they do loose their patience. It's inevitable and it's actually healthy for them to let off steam a bit. Try your best not to take it personally. Ideally he'd let of steam with someone else - does he have anyone he can talk to about his situation - my DH finds that v helpful.

Very agitated this pm/eve but am putting it to good use ploughing through my To Do list... some of which are vvvv late...

snowy you've done great getting through the weekend. Take care.

Ed hope you're feeling better soon.

UA I hope that tomorrow will be a fitting tribute to your father. I will be praying for you and yours.

Bit upset as I have just found out that my brother -who I thought of as being a friend as well - did not let me know that his wife was in hospital all weekend. Clearly he does not think of me as someone he can turn to and rely on.

Hi everyone. ua hugs for tomorrow, I know what you mean too about the hyper thing it must be the adrenaline that keeps you going.

snowy how are you now, you have done so well getting through the weekend.

ed sounds like a fun but tiring weekend :)

lem the last time I went through this was 8 years ago, it was tough on everyone, we were new parents and dh was fantastic through it all, we did speak about it a few years ago and I asked him what he thought, he said it was one of the hardest things he has been through, to watch his wife go from such a confident, funny outgoing people to a quivering person who was scared to bath her baby incase she had a panic attack and dropped her :(. I don't tell him everything when he is away, I don't feel it's fair there's nothing he can do, and when he is home I often feel he must be fed up of me and me worries, but I think that will be my negative thoughts feeling this way. That thing vicar spoke about the other night with the negative filter is very true.

ciq good luck with your to do list.

helles :( hope she is ok

Thank you for your advice re the sertraline, it's very helpful and I have been reading the earlier threads too, I think I will wait on dh coming home from work then start them. I had an awful morning, I woke up with awful pains inmy stomach and went to the toilet after which I came out in a hot sweat and felt like I was going to pass out :( was so scary as it was n just me and dd2 in the house, it passed within about 5 mins but has left me on edge. Period starting today didn't help either. Sorry if tmi. Dd1 and I have got a sore throat bug thing too so she has slept all afternoon, am hoping she is better for tomorrow, hate seeing the dc ill .

Thanks notso. Sounds like you've got a lot on with bad stomach and you and dd poorly. Site throats here have been horrid. Sometimes I can feel really rough the day my period starts so hopefully tomorrow will be better.

helles I completely get why your feeling . Your brother was carrying for you by not wanting to worry you I guess. Can you tell him you'd like to be in the loop re family stuff - even tough stuff -else you feel left out or something?

Might all x

that was alot of sad faces, on a lighter note dd2 (4) asked me today very earnestly why shit is a bad word and what did it mean I just replied that its note a nice word to say, she has never said it before today, so she accepted my answer and then asked me if she really had to go to pre school tomorrow, she makes me smile so much.

Notsoblonde are you a nurse ? Seem to remember you are x
So empathise with the feeling hot and faint feeling . It spooks you for ages after . We seem to have a high response to these things and it leaves us so drained and watchful . Hope you and DD are feeling better tonight .

Helles so good to see you back here . Family and their motives are hard to decipher sometimes . I would feel hurt also . Guess they have their reasons that our negative filters single out as ignoring? I wish I knew and send empathy .

Dont have anyone to tell so going to bore you lot

I love birds . For 12 years I have had House Martins [swallow family] return to my nest under the eaves of my house. Once there was a colony of them nearby but people took the nests down as they poop everywhere when nesting. Only my nest remained in the estate where I live . The original nest was destroyed by roofers so I bought a fake one .
These wee birds fly to Africa for the winter and return in the spring to their old nest sites . Thousands of miles and lots of danger .

I have been watching for them and listening [they chirrup high in the sky] .....nothing and felt very sad . Felt it may be a sign [my Dh is ill ].

Today I saw a pair repairing the nest with mud and chittering to each other in the sky . My birds are back .

Their visiting my home as summer tenants gives me a message of hope ,tenacity and courage . All we need here on this thread as we get better .
thanks for getting this far reading without your nose on keyboard . xx

Evening all.

Still feeling grotty. I would probably describe it as man flu. Heavy cold which is causing me to moan and whinge and prevent me doing stuff more than it ordinarily should. I do feel rubbish from my ribs upwards tho. I have gone to bed with a cup of tea. Anyone that knows me knows that I only drink tea if a) I am ill or b) I am pregnant...and unless I have a longer gestation than an elephant it isn't the latter :o

I am exhausted through combination of the cold. The depression. The long weekend. The sun. I just couldn't stay awake earlier. I have come to bed early. If I still feel rubbish tomorrow I will have good reason not to do brownies. But the dcs had a great day yesterday. Fab day. Dd3 has been a monster today. Mostly because she has wanted attention and I've not been up to it properly.

Will be thinking of you ua. Your love and warm memories for your father are obvious from your posts. Someone left my stepdads favourite sweets amongst the floral tributes. I kicked myself that 'we' (the family) hadn't thought of that but I guess we were just too close to the formalities if that makes sense. Be kind to you self. I expect the next 2-3 weeks to be jyst as hard but in a different way.

Thinking of you all. I had loads more to say but my head is pounding, tea is gone and I can't keep my eyes open. Sorry. Back tomorrow.

Hi basset, yes I am a nurse, and if you heard me at work you would not think I struggle like this myself, I said to my gp, I need to learn to take my own advice. Now funny you should say about the birds, I noticed some house martins up in my Eve's today, bonny wee birds, wonder if they are building a nest!

ed cross posted with you last night hope you feel better this morning, I felt grotty yesterday and dd2 was a wee monkey, she was bored, so can sympathise with you, enjoy your tea.

basset I hope it isn't serious with your dh.

Urggh....

Snotty. Chesty. Headachy. Feverish. Guess where I am...

Sending you all warm thoughts...I would offer a group hug but don't want to give you the lurgy.

Morning all. Ed tuck yourself up in bed and keep taking the lemsip etc. If it's anything like what dh and I had its a horrid bug.

Mon morning diary session now and reading depression book again. Been reading all about negative thoughts etc. I've been very aware that these make up 95% of my thoughts at the moment. I know I need to start tackling them, but it seems like an overwhelmingly big task. Looking at diary though the last 2 weeks have been better than the two before. I have a simple rating scale with smileys and there are fewer sad faces. ..

Daily I need to try and

• record some positive things that happened/things I'm grateful for /things I've learned
• do 2 things that give me a sense of personal accomplishment.
• get more organised - try not to let depression rule the day. Last night I did get to grips with what needs to happen this week and it has helped.

Feeling pretty overwhelmed and weighed down after just looking at three situations cbt wise today. Clearly this is going to take time

I hope you feel better soon Ed.
That sounds a good plan for recordng how you are, CiQ I hope you get through the homework without too much bother.

Just checking in - feel not brilliant, but hey ho.

Hope everyone is doing ok xx

Hope things pick up soon, (((( LEM ))))
I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow.

Hi lem sorry to hear you're not feeling brilliant. Have you got anything nice to look forward to?

snowy hope you're feeling ok about your cpn meeting. Feel free to vent if you're not / need any help clarifying your thoughts.

Hope everyone else is ok. I am about to get in shower. Delayed cos of cleaning. Honest .

Ps Thanks snowy I think it will be a challenge keeping it up as altho I can see long term it will be helpful? Short term I feel worse... might have to think up an incentive scheme...