Bipolar support thread?

[Crawling]

Ive noticed there are quite a few of us and thought maybe a thread for us would be good. All are welcome those diagnosed and those awaiting diagnosis.

Ill start with Ive been depressed so long now I dont remember how I used to feel, yet id still prefer this to mania as the havoc I reaked last time was very painful to clean up after my episode. If I had to chart my mood today between 1-10 1 being I cant think how to make a cup of tea and 5 being good 10 being the tv is talking to me and I must go out now im about a 3 today what about you guys?

Funny Resurrection I feel sort of more tired but the anxiety fades offf.

I start imagining a future maybe 10 years time when I am free of all this shit, and I know it can happen, the problem is living until then.

Oh gosh Crawling what you say about hurting those you love is so true :( makes it hard to be a mum.

Btw although I keep it confidential as am labelled a bad mother by all and sundry for even contemplating becoming a non resident parent- I have a plan which keeps me sane, to move out of london in about 7 years or so and live in a smaller town in a house I can call my own. I think I can only stand it here so long under ex's constant vigilance. The boys will be teenagers then and may have other plans for me (!) but the dream keeps me (relatively) sane.

Godless, your X sounds like an utter penis. It is no consolation to you, but DS's dad is such a waste of space not even DS wants to speak to him. DS is 14 and used to idolise his dad, so the truth will out!

My Bunfags is the ony non-abusive partner I've had btw. Things aren't great between us at the moment tbh. He asked me if I'd been taking my lamotrigine earlier. For some reason I lied and said yes. I have no idea why. He thought I've been a bit manic. To be fair, I have been on a weird domestic goddess trip and the kitchen is full of freshly baked goods and I've been frantic in the garden. It's a relief to feel like I've got a bit of get up and go.

Can I ask other people if you are all under the care of MH professionals? I was discharged from the recovery team to my GP. I am just about to start group art therapy and I was told to use the crisis team. Apparently I'm "cured"?

I've had some shitty relationships and slept with some unsavoury characters. I really cringe when I think about it.

Lots of love to you all on this Sunday.

god yes the unsavoury characters.. in my case all right-wing tossers including one total Eurosceptic... and me the epitome of a ranty public sector left winger :) that's how I knew I'd really gone mad :S

I bumped into one of them on the train a few weeks ago... I really could not understand how I could ever have borne to spend the evening with him let alone have an affair with him :/

ooh a domestic goddess trip sounds good Bunfags. I have got a bit more energy myself since I can see Spring coming and am laundering a lot in a slightly manic way. But I can get v agitated and angry about housework. Baked goods? Not a chance :D

As I have been suicidal on and off (more on) for about 5 years now I finally got 6-9 months therapy. Before that it was just shit. Nothing but 6 weeks CBT (and that only when I was pregnant- I think it was more about the baby's welfare than mine). I think some of it is a postcode lottery. And will only get worse with cuts to funding. Ah what a great country we live in!!!

Also I've found private therapists to be bloody useless as well, tbh.

One of the reason's DS doesn't speak to his dad anymore is that DS is basically gay. He is only 14, but he has never been into typical 'boys' stuff - I think you can tell with some people from quite a young age. He sort of came out a few months ago. His dad is a homophobis tosser and was taking this piss out of DS on Facebook. DS likes some really girly stuff, so his dad was ripping him for being a "gaylord" - only DS actually is gay it turns out.

Opposites attract though domesticgodless!

I can bake in a very scarey fashion, so it's not exactly picnic baskets and Cath Kidston! Possibly more like Delia Smith on crystal meth.?

Bunfags your poor ds it must be hard enough coming out without a homophobic dad to boot

We relocated a few years ago. I separated from his dad when DS was 18 months old and his dad has always been unreliable. He also has a drink problem and thinks I took DS away from him, to the other side of the country and then turned him against him. The irony is that his dad couldn't really be arsed much before we moved and he has done a spectacular job of turning DS against him, himself.

God Bunfags what a vile thing to do to his son. Luckily xH is a liberal type although I think he will be 'disappointed' in that gentle liberal way if either of the boys are gay. Or do not grow up just like daddy in any way and become loony lefty dropouts like their mum :D

Lol your image of Delia on meth is truly terrifying!! hehehe.

When domestically active I am a bit of a dragon chasing people around with the hoover and lamenting over recyclable items in the bin. My kids and boyfriend can't stand it and usually run away. If I started baking though, they'd really freak out and think the world had come to an end :D

Bunfags being a bit of an Ab Fab type mum (without the glamour or money :D) and long term I would be delighted if one or both of my boys were gay and just cannot understand people to whom it would be a disappointment.

Gay friends of mine have suffered terribly from parental disapproval. Thank heavens for your ds that you are his main parent.

should have said 'long term fag hag' LOL

domesticgodless. I feel so guilty, because he has seen me both mentally and physically very ill. Luckily my folks were very supportive when they still lived in the UK and they have helped me out when I've been too unwell to manage.

I feel terrible saying that.

The thing is, that DS is a really nice lad. Everyone always tells me he's a credit to me, they don't know about my bipolar. The way he is has nothing to do with me, he's just a really good lad. I love him, but I also like him and think he is a really cool person as well. I feel like I've let him down, being bipolar does not make for consistency and I've never been all pushy. I retrospect I wish I had been more of a helicopter parent and forced him to do more activities. Mind you, I'm a bit of a new agey lentil weaver and we did do a Reiki attunement together.

His dad always used to tell me I was turning him gay! I got all worried recently and though "wgat if I did turn him gay?". Then I thought "Don't be so stupid Bunfag, also, so what if I did, it's ok to be gay!".

Btw godless, for some reason the description of your XH being 'disappointed' in a gentle liberal way has really tickled me!

Yeah my boys have also seen me unwell and in pieces. It's awful eh :(

I reckon the way your DS is definitely has something to do with you!!!

I used to feel the same but my dad said 'your boys are lovely and your ex can't take all the credit for that'! :D

Yeah I really really get the thing about letting your kids down. There have been weekends I wasn't able to leave the house much and we all just stayed in staring at screens etc. My cooking is erratic, I have occasional rages and sometimes just collapse in tears. I always apologise to them when I fall short and I tell them that it is nothing to do with them, I have an illness and I am working on getting better all the time, but it's part of my life and something I have to deal with. There is no hiding it unless I leave their lives altogether and they don't want me to do that.

No I'm not pushy either. xH is pushy enough and I was pushed terribly too. I noe have a PhD.. an academic job earning nothing much and a dreadful mental ilness!! So I am proof pushing kids is counterproductive!!! hehe

If you did turn him gay congratulate yourself woman! :D Gay men are the best. Alright some are wankers like any other group of people... but somehow I've always found that many gay men are openminded and empathic, because of what they have to go through themselves.

Hehehe you can just visualise that liberal disappointment right? 'You know I'm happy for him as long as he's happy... it's just that,well, you know, he's not like me'.... heheh

The worst moment of my life is after a bad mixed episode (I would of been sectioned but as the episode was over by the time crisis saw me the let me go after alot of debate) my eldest was so scared by my constant mood swings that he was nervous of me it broke my heart since that moment I vowed to take whatever meds I need, regardless of side effects.

My poor boy didnt know if I would be crying or laughing

crawling i know so much what you mean :/

think I might be in a bit of a mixed state atm. Agitated and constantly afraid with the odd moment of 'drifting off' into weird fantasies and stuff. Very very scared and feeling a bit psychotic cos I don't know exactly what the fear is aimed at, if you know what I mean...

I understand mixed episodes are the worst IMO Id rather manic or depressed personally (not that any are much fun) you have my sympathy I hope you stabilise soon.

I have a weird sort of cycling atm. Can't seem to predict the cycle though. Sometimes it's that leaden type of depression and today it's the anxiety and a feeling of pent up tension. Gah.

I'm never hypomanic any more although I think I must have been when I made the proposal for these bloody books...

argh. I haven't written much today but I guess it was Sunday :(

I have been cycling for months. It just gets worse. I have different levels of depressions. If I happen to feel normal I start to get odd thoughts. This week I actully got little bit high for couple of days but then after 2 days of mixed it is back to depression. I am not sure if I am rapid cycling or if this is mixed state. For me the most difficult part is the overall bad feeling. That is one thing which makes me suicidal. And nothing has previously helped. I have tried over 40 meds and none of them reduced that. Alcohol does not work either. Luckily in this episode the bad feeling comes and goes.

Domesticgodless, are you on meds?

Domesticgoddess - I feel exactly the same as you at the moment. That agitation and fear...

I keep having horrid nightmares about people breaking in with machetes and guns and cricket bats...I sat awake for four hours last night to try and stop myself from having more.

I'd call someone but we moved house on Saturday as I was very much struggling to get through the door into our old house, I was crippled with fear. I'm not registered around here yet...

I think I just needed to get this down somewhere where people would understand. My other half is trying, but he's never experienced anything like this so I think he's struggling.

I got my appointment :). This morning I woke up feeling fine and energetic. Loads of energy. I just can't understand how my mood can change overnight from very depressed to ok. Unfortunately I am starting to feel bad again.

Mirage - I'm glad you've got your appointment, and I hope it's not too far away. I'm also very jealous of all your energy!

I called my psychiatrist and left an urgent message asking for her to get in touch. Explained to the receptionist that we've had a break in and I feel very unsteady and really need help, and she sounded sympathetic. No call back yet though, and it's hours later now. I need to call her but I can't do it.

The agitation hasn't gone away yet, either...

the app. in on friday. i baked a cake :). yesterday i could not do anything. oh took care of kids and cooked etc. he was very happy i got the appoinment back. he is getting increasingly worried about my mood swings. also, he can't really handle my depressive state.

CajaDeLaMemoria: do you have benzos etc to calm you down?

Someone mentioned a meet up which I would love but im miles away in South Wales.

Caja I hope he gets back to you soon.
Mirage I always find I feel better when going to docs its like the dc they can be dying in the house get to the gp/primecare/a and e and they look the picture of health. Glad you got to your appointment though.

Ugh hi everyone. Sorry to hear so many are feeling bad.

God this disease is so weird eh? I am scared and agitated all day with that tight feeling in the chest but I can still sleep 11 hours :S with loads of weird dreams.

I'm only on lamogitrine atm. Nothing else works and it doesn't seem like the lamogitrine does either.

SSRIs made me more agitated and by the end were giving me the weirdest symptoms, some of which were hormonal I think. Crying spells of several hours, acute suicidal urges, intense anger (that symptom has really faded since I came off them although I still feel suicidal a lot).

I feel so bloody awful and slightly agoraphobic. Being stuck at home writing (ie surfing net repetitively as unable to concentrate) really doesn't help.

I'm so very scared atm of the future. If I can't write that's my career gone (yeah catastrophising again I know :/)

Also crying a lot all the time. Small weeps every hour or so. Gah what a life...