Bipolar support thread?

[Crawling]

Ive noticed there are quite a few of us and thought maybe a thread for us would be good. All are welcome those diagnosed and those awaiting diagnosis.

Ill start with Ive been depressed so long now I dont remember how I used to feel, yet id still prefer this to mania as the havoc I reaked last time was very painful to clean up after my episode. If I had to chart my mood today between 1-10 1 being I cant think how to make a cup of tea and 5 being good 10 being the tv is talking to me and I must go out now im about a 3 today what about you guys?

[Crawling]

Ask for a low dose of quitapine and a gradual start.

[Bunfags]

Psychs seem to have a huge workload TheDeathOfMirage. Can you get a taxi if it's one off?

thanks Crawling. I'll make dr's appointment and ask him about it.

[TheDeathOfMirage]

With a baby and a toddler it is difficult. Toddler gets tantrums and is very difficult. Unfortunately it is half trem and toddler is at home. With only baby it would have been doable. I don't want to travel without safety seats, and toddlers seat is huge and very hard to transfer. If only they would have sent me the letter earlier.

[Crawling]

TheDeathOfMirage thats a pain will getting a new appointment take long? If you ask taxis will often fetch car seats meaning you wont need to lug heavy car seats around and in the past my cpns have looked after dc so I can go to appointments in peace is any of this possible?

[TheResurrectionOfMirage]

The toddler seat is rearward and to put in place is very difficult and takes ages. I just don't have patience to do it atm. cpn would have given a lift as well. I don't know when I will get a new appointment but I was told that it will take time. Anyway, I am not on meds so no need to meet psych.

[nenevomito]

It takes ages to get a psych appt here. Usually have to wait at least a couple of months for one, which is fine when I'm high, but feels like an eternity when I'm not.

[TheResurrectionOfMirage]

Today morning my oh figured a way how I can get there relatively easy :). Hopefully they have not given it away. They should have stated on the letter that if you can't make to the appointment you will end up at end of the waiting list... It was written that you can reschedule it.

I am so upset about this thing. I woke up at four and just wanted to die. The feeling was so overhelming. I ended up sh a little. It did not help at all. Still feeling bad but can bear it somehow.

[Crawling]

Theresurrection of mirage glad you found a way to get there.

I have decided to appeal my dla decision I could really do without this added stress on top of everything else.

[TheResurrectionOfMirage]

I just hope they have not given the appointment away. I think I really need it now. My moods has changed. I feel really restless and not at all tired like you feel when depressed. My thoughts go from thinking I can fly to I want to die. Sometimes I feel really happy but at the same time bad, if this makes sense. I hope I can sleep tonight.

[Crawling]

It sounds a bit like a mixed episode which are not fun I hope im wrong though. I really hope you get the appointment.

[nenevomito]

Were you turned down for DLA crawling? I sent my forms off this week and could really do with the financial help.

Mixed episodes suck don't they.

[TheResurrectionOfMirage]

I have had a looong mixed episode in my past. It was (partly) treatment resistant :(. Luckily I don't feel so bad now. I am feeling sleepy, which is good.

[Crawling]

Babyheave I got low rate care and low mobility but I think I should get middle rate at least.

[nenevomito]

I'd like middle rate, so I your appeal is successful. I'm already nervous about the outcome. I really really need the help.

[domesticgodless]

HI all may I join. I am really feeling the 'not alone' thing reading all this!

I'm diagnosed with bipolar II, few hypomanic episodes in life (last one wrecked my life and marriage as I became hypersexual, lost all guilt and sense of consequence... and god yes I cringe to think of the wankers I slept with and my idiotic behaviour).

Ex h never forgave me for this and all the crazy lying I did. He thinks i am just a shit person now, and often so do I.

He is very controlling and I have 50/50 custody of my kids imposed on me with a 3 day handover so I can never get away from him and his contempt. It's a horrible life atm although I am materially ok unlike many on here.

I am struggling to keep hold of my job in academia, people do'nt understand my symptoms and atm I'm in a typical agitated depression. Wake up panicking every morning and trying to write a book but keep feeling it is shit, what's the point, I should be dead. Nothing will ever go right again, the future is black. Etc.

I can hardly believe now that I used to be a life and soul of the party type :D

If any of you are in London or nearby it would be great to meet with some people who 'get it'. I'm really isolated atm. Have come out to a lot of people and work about my illness, but I do think people don't understand and see you as sick or tainted.

xxall

[GoddessofSuburbia]

Oh my word Godless- you could be me, including our usernames! Even down to ex-husbands. I've got 50:50 access with my children, and he's forever trying to use my illness against me. Luckily the kids (mostly) tell him what he's saying is a load of bollocks. Just this morning dd2 told me that he'd said mental health nurses get paid more because of the risks they take at work because all mentally ill people are violent and try to kill them...

To everyone who's applying for dla; I applied for ESA last time I was really ill, and was awarded the highest rate. My cpn told me that as bipolar can vary so much from day to day, I needed to answer the questions from the point of view of being the most ill I could be, even if I wasn't that bad at the time I was filling the form in. I don't know if things have changed since universal credit though.

[GoddessofSuburbia]

Oh, forgot to say I'm totally up for meeting, if anyone else is. I'm in the N. North West though, so not sure if anyone is nearby.

[TheResurrectionOfMirage]

I fell flat on my face again. Very depressed in the morning. Now more energy but feeling crap. I slept really badly, kept waking up all the time. I really go through "50 shades of suicidal thoughts". This time I just want to die, because there is no solution my situatuation. Yetserday because It just felt so romantic. I felt I could fly. I was thinking climbing a high building and jumping. I f I was not able to fly I would die. win-win situation, so to say. Tomorrow calling cpn about the appointment. Not even sure if I can make it to Friday.

[domesticgodless]

oh Goddess I'm sorry to hear it. Isn't it awful.

H doesn't go so far as to call me violent etc (to my face) but has openly called me a shit mother, told me his nanny is a better mum to the children than me, etc. I was told 4 years ago that he had only 'given' me 50/50 custody because 'that was fair' although I don't 'deserve' it. Etc.

A weird thing is that lately (since I came off my SSRIs which were making me WORSE!) I have been a lot more with it, been washing kids games kits, engaging better with the school etc. He HATES that and has been ramping up the 'competition' massively.

I can't go to parents evenings etc with hiim any more as he spends the whole time trying to prove how amazing he is. He is obsessed with being the perfect dad.The mummy and the daddy.

I know some of this is because I have been at times a bad mother due to illness BUT he doesn't see that his behaviour over the last 4 years (I still don't have a divorce as he won't settle financially, for instance) have contributed to my illness a lot. I live in rented small house atm, he is sitting in massive 5 bed in expensive area, but says he cannot 'afford' to divorce me. Boys are at very expensive school and he requires nanny and other domestic staff to look after them as he works long hours!! etc. So altogether their mad mum is being pushed out of their lives so that he can carry on as if I didn't exist).

God I am so sad and anxious and just want to die. I have to fight him for the next 10 years and I am finding it so hard to hold down my job let alone do the very hard work i need to do to stay afloat. I've got 2 books to write!!! aaaaargh.

Anyway enough moaning.

Resurrection I keep thinking about suicide too and wondering why it's so hard to do it a nice gentle way. At my worst I was obsessing about jumping off buildings etc and I still think about it every day... .I can't bear the thought of the pain. Then I start to think I'm a coward!! etc
I know i must stay alive for the boys better a shit mad mum than a dead one eh :D and I know i have things to live for, I am intelligent and can write etc but I feel like the living dead. :(

[domesticgodless]

sorry guys for blurting out my shitty problems all over the thread. I'd like to be supportive to others rather than just splurging. I just feel out of control and I have been alone apart from the kids for about 10 days now (and xH at handover), haven't seen a soul apart from the neighbour to talk about a water leak :D so am probably going more than usually nuts :D

[TheResurrectionOfMirage]

Thank God I did not have kids with my violent and controlling ex-husband when reading your posts. He was a psychopath.

[Crawling]

Thanks Babyheave hears hoping yours goes smoothly and you get the middle rate.

Welcome to domesticgoddess dont worry about splurging thats what the threads for The situation with your husband sounds hard and stressful. Its sad that he cant look past the illness and realise even though youve split up you still need support.

He sounds a bit of a ass if you dont mind me saying.

[domesticgodless]

Hi Crawling. Yeah I really think he is an ass. A narcissist rather than a psychopath. It's very worrying, the control he wants over the boys and the fact he is happy to see me shoved out of their lives just so he can keep his delusions of grandeur going.

He even said to me recently that he was happy for me to go live nearer my work (in another county) and become the non resident parent. Nothing at all about whether the boys would actually want that. It is just all about him him him and the fact that that would save him money as a house for me outside London is cheaper. He can't afford two houses and the upper middle class lifestyle he has established for the boys. If I ask him to sell the house and settle with me that way, I am being 'disruptive to the boys'. Etc.

But apparently it won't be disruptive for me to go and live 1.5 hours away and see them every other weekend :S

in the past I always thought he was a better person than me- cos he was not 'crazy'- but since my manic episode I've had to reconsider that. He's shown himself to be a superior, unempathic c*nt and my bad behaviour doens't justify it, as I was clearly off my head and have changed entirely since. But I guess it's too easy to dismiss me as being a 'bad person' (his family do the exact same and back him up).

I wonder if in fact people with bipolar and other mental health problems are more likely to end up with controlling/abusive people because of our self esteem issues etc. And that controlling people can smell what they think of as 'weakness'....

I think sometimes our manic episodes are trying to tell us that something (other than being ill) is wrong with our lives. But I wish to god they'd do it in a more manageable way.

My depression's easing off toward the evening/afternoon, do others find that happens too? I heard it is a common bipolar thing as is oversleep which I do all the time :/

I still feel shit but I can live with it now :D

[TheResurrectionOfMirage]

My depression gets better, mainly the tiredness eases off. Otherwise I feel crap.

[Crawling]

I get worse as the day draws on personally. Your situation sounds like a nightmare. Re abusive partners I had a few of those when I was younger before I was diagnosed in my case I didnt go out with nice people because I knew something happened to me which made me hurt those I loved and I didnt want to hurt someone nice IYSWIM.